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#and the part of me thats empty hopeless and constantly passively suicidal scores a goal!
mainfaggot
·
4 months
Text
oh also shes straight
#and the part of me thats empty hopeless and constantly passively suicidal scores a goal!
#a win for the agony within!
#a loss for whimsy hope and serenity and the part of the me that is trying to heal and move forward without the weight of it all defining me.
#it's like. im not surprised. why did i have expectations
#why did i hope. i shouldnt hope. im so stupid. i shouldnt hope i should know better than that. im scarily lacking substance. im a shell
#im a puppet. i cant form lasting relationships im an actor im a liar it would've never worked anyway
#-> me going insane in real time
#-> i sound so dramatic like go watch txt to do and chill out maybe ⁉️
#idk lol 😐
#im not giving up bc she said we should hang out again and friendship is always an option and she already
#knows too much about me at this point so it's too late to back out
#here is to befriending her for the sake of allowing myself to exist imperfectly and for the sake of hanging out with someone every week for
#funsies and nothing else. we dont need to have some grand connection. she doesn't need to have a crush on me. we can just be
#on campus buddies
#we can meet during the summer at some points too maybe
#idk. idk i want to disappear i think bc i really feel like i embarrassed myself by being so open about my insecurities
#i should've put on the mask i usually wear
#but i didnt
#and everything thats pathetic about me was on full display
#i don't know. god. i dont know
#what matters is i made her smile a few times. my unnecessary commentary got a laugh out of her a few times too
#the world is still spinning
#the air was refreshingly chilly on my way home today
#i got rained on and came to class looking beautiful despite my carefully slicked back hair falling into my eyes
#my spanish professor agreed with my thoughts on the text we were analysing
#z.post
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