#and the staples of the experience being like. tomboyish. baggy hoodies. ect. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

moe-broey · 1 year

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Thank you transwomen (in general but also) for the term "boymode" bc using that terminology for myself as a transguy (so, "girlmode") has been the only way I've been able to aptly and succinctly describe whatever the hell was going on *vaguely gestering to my adolescence from ages 15 to 19* there.

#hope i'm not overstepping or saying some dumb shit LMFAO #but like. speaking v generally. esp in the beginning of unpacking 'oh fuck i. i don't think i'm a girl.'#i found i related a lot more to transfemme experiences of living one way for so long all your life playing A Role #and in some cases leaning heavily into masculinity to 'prove' you couldn't possibly be a woman #than like. so many transmasc experiences i'd see online of like 'oh i always knew.'#and the staples of the experience being like. tomboyish. baggy hoodies. ect.#and like i'm not saying any of that in a derogatory or dismissive way. it's just so much of what i saw as a teen #'researching' being trans so i can be a better 'ally' to my friends and classmates LMFAOO #also this is why the narrative of transmen being 'lost girls' and 'just tomboys' is SOOOO stupid it's funny to me like.#there was a very short stint in middle school where i was more 'tomboyish' in appearance #very quickly it was corrected out of me by the influence of loved ones and myself. that wasn't Really Me #let me tell you. the combination of people pleaser/autistic masking is INSANE esppp when you're in an Evil Setting for it LMFAO #<- evil setting being my specific brand of christianity i was brought up w #but case and point i don't think i was ever actually a tomboy. i was HIGHLY feminine actually.#and i found a lot of delights in feminity too! esppp a love of fashion and cute aesthetics #so like. describing my experience w gender/presentation has always been really difficult language-wise #saying 'when i was a girl' doesn't feel right cause i never was one. just played A Role. i didn't always know though.#i didn't even realize i WAS playing a role. also there were things i genuinely loved and enjoyed associated w feminity.#and saying 'post transition' is weird to me too bc. i'm not? there yet? i'm not done yet.#and any which way of trying to describe 'when i came out' is clunky bc i was always outed/forced out #like. multiple times. even before i had the time to explore it/make sense of it myself.#def rambling but. girlmode and autistic masking are synonyms to me now. it captures everything.#i swear to god the parallels between autism/being trans drive me INSANE to me they are always informing one another.#like i feel like i could write an entire fucking essay about it. if i was an academic i would fucking KILL it

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