#and then he compared me to his 14 year old daughter cause haha funny! look at woman being annoyed at my immature behavior so i have to

[xxlelaxx]

I hate how women enforcing boundaries will make you a bitch, but men insulting you is funny.

[aworldbeyondthelookingglass]

Agonda, Goa.

So it's been four days since I got to Agonda, so I thought it was about time to give a proper update. Agonda is beautiful. Just like all the Goan beaches. I've had a lovely time so far and apart from New Year's Eve it's been pretty mellow, just how I like it. I've been having breakfast out, then lazing on the beach most days and swimming in the sea. The sea is so nice, and it's pretty wavy and the current is strong so it's quite fun! There's a mini surf school so it's fun to watch the surfers when the waves are big. Today, the 2nd, I checked out of Duck 'n' Chill which were the huts I was staying at, and got a taxi to Aiethein Healing massage school. It's just one long street but walking it takes about 25 minutes and with my heavy bags and the heat I didn't really fancy it! Duck 'n' Chill was great. It's right at the other end of Agonda so it's super chilled and quiet, but it did make walking home a bit scary after I'd had dinner and if I'd gone elsewhere, so I'm kind of glad to be more in the thick of it now. Saying that though, the beach is so nice up that end because it's not busy, and I really loved all the staff there. As soon as I checked in they were so welcoming, and even though it was just four days I'm going to miss the staff there so I hope to go back for dinner or drinks some evenings- they do a bomb lemon ginger honey tea 👌🏾 Me and Joao met a group of Indian guys on New Years eve day and spent most of the day with them, and then on New Year's Day I spent most of the day with a guy called Guatama (same name as Buddha!). I have never laughed so much in such a long time. Maybe it was sleep deprivation but he had me in fits all day up until he left. He was on a road trip with a group of 6 so was leaving that afternoon to go back to work. He's originally from Delhi, from a well educated family, but works in Hyrdabhad, and was telling me all sorts of stories. His sense of humour was brilliant and there was never a moment of silence. We had a lot in common and it was the perfect way to start the new year, full of laughter. When I met him on New Year's Eve he actually came up to me to compliment me on my tattoo and asked what it was, then I told him about mandalas, the reason behind it and he opened up the book he was reading and it had tons of beautiful mandalas in it too! That day I didn't speak to him again, and his other friends were entertaining Joao and I, but it wasn't until the day after that we properly spoke and I'm glad we did! I'm a sucker for signs and believe there's tons of little signs which appear everywhere in your life without you even looking 🙏🏾✨ I had dinner on my own at a little restaurant that offers really cheap thalis and was going to go straight home as I had about four hours sleep the night before, but I decided to wander and ended up in a ladies shop. Some beautiful bags caught my eye, but then I saw a little baby with the biggest eyes rolling around on the floor. He was adorable and had the most amazing curly natural highlights in his hair! She showed me videos of her daughter who wasn't there and said she was the naughty one and they were really funny, lots of attitude! Her boy was the most smiley little thing ever. We chatted for a while, she obviously wanted to sell me something but I like to make conversation with them and hear their stories. She had an arranged marriage when she was 18, her daughter is 3 years old and her baby boy is 6 months. Her husband lives in Bombay and works as a taxi driver and her family are from Palolem, a beach about half an hour from Agonda. She is just 21 now and only sees her husband twice a week. She was very sweet, we compared our lives and the traditions of our countries, and after I told her about my massage course she told me that she also does henna and went to henna school in Bombay for four months! I never knew there were schools for it and thought they just learnt from each other, but she told me there are lots of different kinds of henna- for engagements, weddings and more, they're very detailed and particular.For weddings they get almost all their skin covered in henna and it can take a whole day! They have a five day lead up to the wedding with different traditions and parties, and one of those days is the mehndi ceremony which is the henna. So, naturally, I got her to do some henna on me. She desperately wanted to sell me something as she said New Years has been quiet and she promised a good price as it would bring her good luck etc etc (I'm sure they all say it, well I know they do!) but she was so sweet and has two babies to take care of (and soon another one as her family want her to have another boy! There's a lot of pressure to please the parents in Indian marriages), so I ended up buying a bag and the henna from her for 'good price, not anyone's price, special price for you for good luck." That's my indulgent spending done for the month! It was only £14 but I'm trying to be careful with my money now. Which leads me onto the cash crunch!!! It's a full on nightmare. They said it would get better after new year and we could take out more per transaction but it's only gone up to 4,500 which is just £60 and that was a maybe not a definite. I am going later to try so will find out. I've been getting too many charges taking three transactions out a day and the whole thing has been quite stressful. I came just with enough for the course and my living expenses with a little extra, but because I didn't just bring cash with me to exchange the fees are building up. The remainder of the course was meant to be paid in cash but I've spoken to my teacher and she's making an allowance for me, but I have to pay the PayPal fees which equal to just under £50. It's annoying and I've lost a lot of money with this whole situation. I had a tab at Duck 'n' chill and had a couple of drinks, teas, water bottles, two breakfasts and one dinner there and it came to 970 rupees in total so that's £9.70. So as you can see £50 would have gone a long way here, but there's nothing I can do about it now! I met Gagori the teacher and Nikhil her husband who is also the co-owner of the school. Gagori is lovely, she's exactly how imagined, so softly spoken and calm, and just as kind hearted and warm as how she came across over emails. It feels quite special meeting her now as I started speaking to her two years ago when I originally wanted to do the course, but pulled out due to being sick, so she knows what I had been going through, and it just feels so wonderful to finally meet her and be here at last. I also spoke to Nikhil who is equally lovely and actually asked him about my mosquito bites because they are driving me wild- I counted and have 57!!! No joke. He had a look at them and said they were definitely not mozzy bites and were bed bug bites! Ahhhhh!! He said it would be from the bed at Duck 'n' Chill. So I feel a bit gross now! But he said he would get Gagori to find something Ayurvedic that I can rub into them to stop them from itching and hopefully they will start going. What a nightmare! I was sad to leave the other place as it was nice, but now I'm a little relieved as I'm literally going out of my mind with the itchiness! All day and all night, now it's no wonder! So I'm all moved into my new home for the next month. It's lovely. Basic but big enough and everything I need. I've unpacked all my clothes into a cupboard which is a nice feeling, and I have a kettle so I can make tea (I thought ahead and brought a billion different kinds of tea bags, as well as oats and toppings to make porridge for breakfast when I want to be cheap!) although I am assuming the people on my course will have breakfast and lunch together so we'll see. Don't want to be too much of an unsociable stingy person haha. I have a confession to make as well. I've been a terrible vegan and have had a fish thali and an Israeli breakfast which came with shakshuka aka eggs. I know I know... biggest hypocrite going. I'm so passionate about veganism, I know it's the healthiest diet there is and I feel amazing for it. Mind and body. And I am really passionate about animal rights and the cruelty of it all and I don't want to participate in that. It's annoying because I feel torn. It's in my mind a lot, the guilt is there, but I also want to feel more free. But I still feel torn some days. I disagree with the meat, dairy and factory farming industry so therefore don't want to support it with my dollar. I also don't want to kill another being and take another's life just for purely selfish reasons. In India it's so different. The cows are seen as sacred. They believe their milk is a gift to them and also very healthy in Ayurveda (ghee, curd etc). I disagree with consuming dairy as it's meant for a baby cow, and I'm allergic which I think shows something in itself as how we shouldn't be digesting it and it's not natural. But I can see how in their culture it works for them. In Jainism they are pure vegetarians- basically vegetarian and no eggs but they say that if the cow lets you milk them then you should drink it. So they do consume dairy. Eggs; I hate the factory farming, I hate that baby male chicks get grinded alive because there's no purpose for them as they don't produce eggs. It's awful. I read in the Guardian a month back which had an article about a sanctuary in Horsham (of all places!) that rescue hens and chickens from being slaughtered and if they lay an egg then they sell them and all the eggs they sell are mostly to vegans! Vegans that eat eggs... Veggans 🍳. The logic is that the money you are giving to buy the eggs helps keep these places going, saving lots of hens and chickens from being slaughtered. They never force the chickens to lay an egg, they wander the grounds and feed off the land and if they lay an egg it gets collected and sold. That's a pretty great cause. Here in India it's also different. There is no such thing as these factory farms and everything seems more sustainable, taking what you need and no mass production. Keeping it small and simple. For some reason fish has always been something I felt a bit differently about. One side of me doesn't think they are the same as mammals, which is ridiculous I know. I know that no being wants to die. I also know that farmed fish is horrible and will never buy fish from a supermarket. But seeing how some places and countries live, making the most from the land and what they have, I see things a bit differently. When I lived in the Andaman Islands and now here, I see the fisherman go out on their little boats. One part of me believes that I am supporting them by eating fish because otherwise they wouldn't have a job as there would be no need for fish (I know that's ridiculous as me not eating fish isn't going to stop them fishing as there's about a billion and one people who will still be eating the fish) but you kind of see where I'm coming from. It's sustainable, it's locally caught and the small boats that go out are not killing all the sea life and ruining the flora and fauna of the sea in the process, unlike other fishing practices. The other part of me believes in what I've read from Buddhism, and that if you truly loved another then you couldn't kill. I believe that so much which is where I feel a lot of guilt. That there is no space for killing when leading a good life with good karma. I also believe all of that. So much. I want to be as good a person as I can be. No one is perfect but I want to know that I've done the best I can on this planet. With all of this, maybe you think I'm making up excuses. And maybe I am. But I see it in different ways now. I have been a strict vegan for almost three years now, but in this last year (well, actually literally last year!) I have had fish three times and eggs three times on different occasions. That's tiny in the scheme of 365 days of the year. I do feel like a hypocrite, because sometimes I can be a bit preachy because I do feel passionate about it and it makes me cry when I see anything about the meat and dairy industry. My feelings a true and honest. But no one is perfect. I am doing my best to make this world a good place and not support the big horrible money making industries or animal cruelty, and lead as peaceful and kind life as I can while I'm here. I will never ever consume meat again, it doesn't even cross my mind as a food group. I've made the connection there. But there are a few things that I might have on holiday or once in a blue moon if I know it's been wild caught, well looked after and treated well. And after I eat it I am grateful, appreciate it fully and don't take it for granted. I don't think animal products are all that healthy. I read mixed reviews on eggs and fish all the time. But at least I'm educated on that. It's never going to be a thing that I have all the time now, but I want to be a little more relaxed with myself, and hopefully one day I won't feel so torn or hard on myself for having eggs or fish if or when I do have it. I believe in the vegan diet 100% and will still be 98% vegan/plant based, but sometimes that 2% is going to happen and I'm trying to accept that it's ok. So all in all and to conclude, I know I'm a hypocrite, but I'm trying to be the kindest educated hypocrite I can be. I want to try and make 2017 a year where I stick to local foods and produce, live off the land that I'm in as much as possible. It's all very well being vegan or plant-based,but if you're paying for avocados or mangoes that have been imported from god knows where with all those air miles, that seems crazy in itself and kind of goes against sustainable living again. So I don't do resolutions but I'm definitely going to try and incorporate and be conscious of that from this year more. Tonight will be another quiet night. I'm going to try and go on a run early morning before it gets too hot and then at 4:30pm we meet at the school to sort of register and meet the other students which I'm looking forward to! I'm the biggest beach bum going and fully accept it and hold my hands high 🙌🏾and a part of me thought I'll be a bit sad being right by the beach all day until 5pm and not being able to swim and sunbathe. Which is exactly why I thought it was best to get a few days in before I start as I'm leaving the morning after the course ends so won't have time then. But anyway, I'm super excited about learning everything now and getting started. I'll admit there is only so much lazing you can do and I like to think of myself as a productive person that likes to be kept busy and active. I can't wait to learn everything there is to know about Ayurveda, the doshas, the history behind all the processes and a different way of thinking. Opening my mind. It's going to be intense, six days a week and homework on Sundays, but I'm so ready for a new challenge, new skills to add to my repertoire, and to feel even more connected to India in my heart than I already do. I feel emotional being back here. I've had an emotional year. 2016 had some real highs but a lot of real lows. Illness, depression and in turn creating/encouraging that illness myself because I was stuck in this circular all encompassing 'thing' was tough, and hard to see any way out of. To think about how miserable I was then to where I am now is really weird. I didn't even think I was going to write about this until here I am doing it, but I guess the emotions have poured it all out of me and come to the surface and now I'm crying on the beach. Life is weird, but everyday is a new start which is pretty magical, and everyday you have the opportunity to learn something new. I feel like I've really created a life I love, staying true to myself and the person I've become, and I'm proud of myself even if at times it seemed useless, hard or frustrating. I'm finally doing a job I love, I found yoga, I found plant-based living, I exercise out of love and enjoyment and not from a place of self-hate, I found balance, and I found love again and feel so very loved in return. It's a beautiful feeling to look back on how much your life can change in the space of just a year!! 2017 is going to be full of positivity, happiness, love and new adventures, and I can't wait for what's around the corner. I'm really living in the present again and it feels good to be back in this place/space. Sometimes it feels selfish to feel this happy. After being miserable and depressed for so long it feels foreign and like I'm not worthy of this feeling. After spending time with Francesco, which has obviously been a big part of my recent happiness, I felt that life was being too good to me, and that something bad was going to happen because I couldn't be and wasn't allowed to be this happy. I know that's totally irrational, but it's a true feeling and it shows to me that I haven't felt this happy inside in a long time. My fear of flying has always been bad, but it got very bad after leaving Francesco at the airport, and I know a huge part of that was because I was worried that my life/our life is just starting and my irrational thoughts make me believe that I can't be this happy, so something bad is going to happen and then I attach that to my fear of flying and think of worst case scenarios. But I know I'm allowed to be happy, and I'm allowed to create the life I love and want to live. We are all in control of our own lives and only you are the one that can change it if you aren't happy or something isn't right. It's in our hands, our heads, our mindset and our hearts. I hope that this next year is a great year for everyone I know and love. Even though I don't do as much Vipassana meditation as I used to, I still hear Goenka in my ear chanting 'may all beings be happy' and I wish that for all, now and everyday. I'll post again soon once I've started my course in two days time, and have many more exciting tales to tell. But for now, Namaste 🙏🏾 Ali x