#and then in 5.18 being in that same place of wanting better for bobby but this time having let himself seek that out too

[buttercupbuck]

4.04 what’s your grievance || 5.18 starting over

[image description: 4 gifs of eddie diaz and evan buckley from 9-1-1. the first two gifs depict a scene from season 4 episode 4 and the second two gifs depict a scene from season 5 episode 18.

gif 1: buck and eddie are in the firehouse gym. buck swings at the punching bag as he says, “yeah, i don’t need any more therapy. i just wanna hit things.” at that, eddie shoots his hand across the punching bag to stop buck.

gif 2: eddie looks at buck and tilts his head as he says, “i’ve been down that road. i don’t recommend it.”

gif 3: working on one of the holes in eddie’s bedroom wall, buck says about bobby, “he takes responsibility for everything. that’s his way.”

gif 4: eddie braces a hand against the wall and looks up at it as he says, “taking responsibility for something he didn’t do wrong? it’s a bad road to go down.”

/end ID]

[mittensmorgul]

With regard to Sam’s actions toward Dean in the final scenes of 14.12, please have this reminder from 4.04:

SAM: What, are you, are you leaving? DEAN: You don't need me. You and Ruby go fight demons. DEAN grabs his bag and starts for the door. SAM stands in the way so DEAN has to go around him. SAM: Hold on. Dean, come on, man. DEAN turns around and punches him in the face with his right hand. SAM whirles around by the force. DEAN just watches him as he turns back around to DEAN. SAM: You satisfied? DEAN hits him again, and then throws his bag on the floor. SAM touches his lip, which is bleeding. SAM: I guess not. DEAN: Do you even know how far off the reservation you've gone? How far from normal? From human? SAM: I'm just exorcising demons. DEAN (yelling): With your mind! (calmer) What else can you do? SAM: I can send them back to hell. It only works with demons, and that's it. DEAN grabs hold of him and pushes him backwards, walking with the force. DEAN: What else can you do?! SAM: I told you! SAM pushes his hand away, and they stop. DEAN: And I have every reason in the world to believe that. He begins to walk away from SAM. SAM: Look, I should have said something. DEAN stops, his back still to SAM. SAM: I'm sorry, Dean. I am. But try to see the other side here. DEAN turns around and faces him. DEAN: The other side? SAM: I'm pulling demons out of innocent people. DEAN: Use the knife! SAM: The knife kills the victim! What I do, most of them survive! Look, I've saved more people in the last five months than we save in a year. DEAN: That what Ruby want you to think? Huh? Kind of like the way she tricked you into using your powers? He shakes his head, sad. DEAN: Slippery slope, brother. Just wait and see. Because it's gonna get darker and darker, and God knows where it ends. SAM: I'm not gonna let it go too far. DEAN smiles at that, walks over to the wall and hits the lamp on the side table, making it crash and fly. DEAN looks angry again. DEAN: It's already gone too far, Sam. If I didn't you know... I would wanna hunt you. SAM's eyes are tearful, and he nods at that, looking down. DEAN: And so would other hunters. SAM looks up at him. SAM: You were gone. I was here. I had to keep on fighting without you. And what I'm doing... It works. DEAN: Well, tell me. If it's so terrific... then why'd you lie about it to me?

Sam had something terrible inside him, and was trying to do something good with it. A supernatural being told him this was the only way to do something good with it. Sam trusted that because he had no reason not to, because the result seemed Objectively Good. And yet, he’d lied about it, hidden it from Dean and Bobby both, because deep down, he knew Dean would object. Not because Dean is a controlling jerk who was upset that Sam would do this Big Thing without him, but because he recognized the inherent wrongness of it, because Dean was not subjected internally to that wrongness and could actually see the situation objectively.

Now in 14.12, Dean has something terrible inside him, and was trying to do something good with it. A supernatural being told him this was the only way to do something good with it. Dean trusted that because he had no reason not to, because the result seemed Objectively Good. And yet, he’d lied about it, hidden it from Sam and Cas both, because deep down he knew they’d object. Not because Sam and Cas are controlling jerks who would be upset that Dean was doing this Big Thing without them, but because they would recognize the inherent wrongness of it, because they were not subjected internally to that wrongness and could actually see the situation objectively.

Every argument I’ve seen suggesting that Sam was Wrong™ to try to stop Dean from carrying out this plan has been predicated on the insistence that Dean was being 100% truthful about what Billie instructed him to do. It’s also predicated on the insistence that Dean is actually able to be rational in the face of this plan while Michael’s rattling around in his noggin.

Of course, Dean’s the only one who can decide for himself when he can’t take that rattling anymore, or know when Michael’s escape is imminent, but so far he hasn’t even MENTIONED Michael’s status to Sam or Cas. He’s keeping that information to himself. And we only have Dean’s word on what Billie’s book actually said, or what other instructions she may have provided him. And honestly? I don’t trust his objectivity on that right now, and thank fuck, neither does Sam.

Because Sam has been in this exact spot. And when he was? Dean kinda fucked it all up. For reference: please see all of s4. So yeah, Sam is not approaching Dean from some base clinginess or childishness here. And suggesting it is does Sam a HUGE disservice. He’s been cautiously approaching Dean in the way he probably wishes Dean had approached him when he was equally off the wagon back in s4. Oh, the trauma they could’ve prevented if they’d both only spent a little less time antagonistically mistrustful of each other and instead doing their best to be supportive like they’re all trying to do now in s14.

Because Sam has matured a hell of a lot in the last ten years. He’s been taking on the role of level-headed leader since long before Dean ever said yes to Michael. He worked (literally!) tirelessly to find a way to save Dean from Michael after the fact, and has consistently been portrayed as a rational, mature adult.

But Sam had even learned this particular lesson back in 5.18, i.e. the last time Dean pulled this sort of Farewell Tour, even with the textual comparison to suicide:

DEAN: How’d you find me? SAM: You’re going to kill yourself, right? It’s not too hard to figure out the stops on the Farewell Tour. How’s Lisa doing, anyways? DEAN: I’m not going to kill myself. SAM: No? So Michael’s not about to make you his Muppet? What the hell, man? This is how it ends? You just…walk out? DEAN: Yeah, I guess. SAM: How could you do that? DEAN: How could I? All you’ve ever done is run away. SAM: And I was wrong. Every single time I did. Just…please. Not now. Bobby is working on something. DEAN: Oh, really? What? SAM doesn’t answer. DEAN: You got nothing and you know it. SAM: You know I have to stop you. DEAN: Yeah, well, you can try. Just remember: You’re not all hopped up on demon blood this time. SAM: Yeah, I know. But I brought help. DEAN turns around to find CASTIEL standing behind him. CASTIEL touches his fingers to DEAN’s forehead, knocking him out.

So I gotta ask, if Dean’s plan is so terrific, why’d he lie about it? And if this is the One True Fate, why isn’t Dean fighting against it at all? What could make Dean abandon everything he ever believed-- outside of his darkest moments of hopeless despair like that one in 5.18-- and accept Fate?

Because Billie didn’t put that book in his hands and say, “This is what you must do to save the world.” In fact, she kinda said the opposite. So how badly does one have to read into her non-instruction over a prophecy we don’t even know the text of and insist that Dean’s interpretation is the One True Right Good Thing To Do Without Question and Everyone Else Is Abusive and Wrong to stop him?

What Billie ACTUALLY told him:

Billie: I warned you about the danger of jumping from world to world. But you ignored me, didn’t you? Dean: Rescuing mom and Jack, helping out those other folks, I’d say it was worth it. Billie: And just look at you now. Do you remember visiting my reading room? The shelves and shelves of notebooks describing the ways you might die? Dean: Yeah. Upbeat classics. Billie: Well, It’s the funniest thing. But they’ve all been rewritten. They all end the same way now-- With the archangel Michael escaping your mind and using you as his vessel to burn down this world. Dean: All of them? Billie: All of them. Except one. [she hands the book to Dean, and Dean opens it] Dean: What am I supposed to do with this? Billie: That’s up to you. [Dean looks down at the book again in horror, and when he looks up again, Billie is gone]

She started by reminding Dean, after he cavalierly insisted that Michael is contained, that it’s not a permanent solution. She began their entire conversation by deflecting from Dean’s reminder that she herself had broken a rule by interfering and zapping them all back to the bunker in the first place, but turning it all around on him. And yeah, he could’ve heeded her warning and stayed out of the AU, but we know that AU Michael had been long-planning to find a way to OUR world, even before Lucifer and Mary essentially landed in his lap. He’d had Kevin working on that spell to open the portal, and likely would’ve eventually succeeded anyway. The way he DID end up arriving here, without his angel armies, was likely the Less Terrible thing to have happen, in a twisted way. But all that’s beside the point, because Dean can’t disagree with her that it was his own meddling that landed him in this position in the first place.

He argues that it was still worth it to be able to save Mary (and Jack, but again, Jack only ended up there due to their own meddling), and the handful of AU Hunters who made it through the portal with them. But this was what Billie had cautioned about the cosmic house of cards Dean was playing with.

So she immediately gives him some more information to push him into feeling the horror and immediacy of his situation, which he had not felt was so pressing ten seconds earlier. She tells him ALL of his potential causes of death have been rewritten, and ALL of them end with Michael using his vessel to burn down the world.

Ten seconds earlier, Dean had been distressed by Mikey having a tantrum in his brain fridge, but he had not felt there was an imminent threat from Michael escaping. He’d been open to researching another solution, to investigating, to waiting and seeing and working with his loved ones to find a better way.

The MOMENT Billie put that book in Dean’s hands, she shattered his faith in himself, and in his family.

AND WE STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE BOOK ACTUALLY SAYS.

Do we really think it’s detailed plans for the Ma’lak box and a map of the Pacific Ocean with an X over where Dean needed to toss himself? I’m not that stupid, sorry. Because Dean found the plans for the box in a book he stole from the Bunker. Billie... did not give it to him. She didn’t even stick around after handing him his supposed Destiny.

In fact, she didn’t tell him he needed to do this to save the world. She told him THAT’S UP TO YOU. Not “follow these directions.” And instead of giving Dean hope, it snuffed out that one spark of hope he’d been holding on to up to that point.

So why are we trusting anything Dean has to say about this, when his words have contradicted the limited information we have been given so far?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

[mittensmorgul]

We’re Working on the Power of Love

(AN: There are several linked posts in this essay, and normally I’d just say “for further reading,” or “if you’re interested,” but honestly I linked them here because they provide the foundation of understanding the scope of these parallels, and I consider them Required Reading. Mostly they saved me the trouble of turning this essay into a 10k word dissertation, because all the connections essentially make themselves by comparing the posts, most especially this one and this one. Go read both of those now. I’ll wait.)

There have been many posts already discussing the parallels in 14.10 to other episodes-- 4.01, 2.20, 13.06, 10.23, and a number of others. But there’s one particular theme I want to explore in more depth, because it’s tied directly to Dean and Michael both. In 5.18, Dean came dangerously close to saying yes to Michael and engaging the Apocalypse script, but everything leading up to his rejection of that script by the end of the episode has now been turned on its head by Michael himself in 14.10.

At the beginning of 5.18, Dean has made his peace with his fate and is going about preparing to give himself over to Michael-- packing up everything that’s important to him in a box for Bobby. He’s at the end of his rope and thinks this is the only way, sacrificing himself to save everyone else. He intends to bargain for their safety in exchange for his own compliance.

This is, essentially, what Cain once did for Abel, as we learned eventually in 9.11, so this loop has repeated itself more than once now, on different levels of the narrative.

I think required reading for understanding the parallels I’m about to make is this post I made on April 20, 2017 during my s12 meta rewatch. It discusses Dean’s painful rejection of each member of his family in a similar fashion to the statements Michael makes to each member of TFW in 14.10. Not to mention the fact it touches on Dean’s thoughts on a White Picket Fence ending for himself, his own guilt and internal darkness, Fate vs Free Will, Dean’s internal strength of will, and the ghost of John Winchester and his long shadow still governing Dean’s choices and opinion of himself.

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159793521320/517-and-518-or-how-does-any-of-this-make-any (this was the first linked post from the author’s note above)

I read a couple of other posts while searching for the one linked above that also give some insight into the themes that we’re seeing again in s14 regarding all of the above-referenced themes that might prove useful reading, while we’re here:

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/177899727345/hot-take-13x23-is-5x18-point-of-no-return-but

And

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/165312952745/im-new-to-spn-and-a-friend-turned-me-onto-your

(more dealing with the Winchester Family Dynamics, the Ghost of John Winchester, and fate vs free will, but still incredibly relevant to the overarching themes of s14)

But what I’d like to specifically focus on are the things Michael weaponized against each of TFW 2.0, because those barbs were crafted much the same way that Dean’s barbs toward his family were crafted in 5.18.

I detailed all of them in this post from the other night:

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/182126697455/one-thing-that-stuck-out-to-me-about-last-nights (this was the second linked post from the author’s note above)

I only touched on Michael’s first conversation with Castiel in the War Room briefly in that post, focusing more on his “stalling tactics” inside Rocky’s Bar, and I barely skimmed over Jack’s chat with Michael. But they are thematically paired to the hurtful comments Dean flung at his family in 5.18. Only now, Dean can see all of these statements as the deceptions they are.

In 14.10:

Jack: Sam and Dean -- they're gonna beat you. Michael: Oh, please. Sam's in so far over his head, he's drowning. And Dean? Well, I've got Dean under control. Jack: No. Dean -- he's strong. Michael: He's a gnat. I'm a god. Who would you bet on? You don't know anything about Dean. I'm in his head literally. I know everything. Like, I know how sad he was when you died on the outside. On the inside, well, it's not that he was happy -- he just didn't care. 'Cause you're not Sam. You're not Cas. You're a new burden that he was handed. You're a weak, helpless thing. You think that they care about you, love you? You're a job, a job none of them wanted. And you --

In 5.18, this wasn’t Dean’s comment, but directly subverting who Adam was to who Jack is now:

BOBBY: You’re still John’s boy. ADAM: No, John Winchester was some guy who took me to a baseball game once a year. I don’t have a dad. So we may be blood, but we are not family. My mom is my family. And if I do my job, I get to see her again. So no offense, but she’s the one I give a rat’s ass about, not you.

Adam staked his ground, separated himself from the Winchesters (to his detriment in the end), but Jack has come full circle and understands his place in the Winchester family.

The barbs Dean lobs at Sam in 5.18 resonate directly to the ones Michael hurls in 14.10:

5.18:

SAM: No? So Michael’s not about to make you his Muppet? What the hell, man? This is how it ends? You just…walk out? DEAN: Yeah, I guess. SAM: How could you do that? DEAN: How could I? All you’ve ever done is run away. SAM: And I was wrong. Every single time I did.

And

DEAN: I just…I—I don’t believe. SAM: In what? DEAN: In you. I mean, I don’t. I don’t know whether it’s gonna be demon blood or some other demon chick or what, but…I do know they’re gonna find a way to turn you. SAM: So you’re saying I’m not strong enough. DEAN: You’re angry, you’re self-righteous. Lucifer’s gonna wear you to the prom, man. It’s just a matter of time. SAM: Don’t say that to me. Not you…of all people. DEAN: I don’t want to. But it’s the truth. And when Satan takes you over, there’s got to be somebody there to fight him, and it ain’t gonna be that kid. So, it’s got to be me.

And 14.10:

- And, Sam – oh, Sam You know, Dean was his happiest when you quit hunting, leaving him with your dad, just the two of them. See, deep down, he knows that you will always abandon him, again and again.

This is playing on the exact same fear, attempting to use this as a manipulation, when everything that’s happened in their lives between 5.18 and now has served to undercut this directly.

Let’s compare what he says to Cas, who in 5.18 had intervened to yell his own pain, the truth of what he’d sacrificed in support of Dean, and eventually the fracture of his own faith in Dean and everything he’d always thought Dean stood for:

CASTIEL: Maybe they’re desperate. Maybe they wrongly assumed Dean would be brave enough to withstand them. DEAN: Alright, you know what? Blow me, Cas.

And

CASTIEL: I rebelled for this?! So that you could surrender to them? DEAN: Cas! Please! CASTIEL: I gave everything for you. And this is what you give to me.

And

CASTIEL: Maybe it is. But then I won’t have to watch you fail. I’m sorry, Dean. I don’t have the same faith in you that Sam does.

Yet in 14.10, Cas is absolutely convinced that Dean is “more than strong.” His only fear is that Michael could be stronger still. And it’s Cas who sees through the deception, providing the light in the darkness to uncover and understand the truth, to see through the fear and the pain and find Dean, as well as to see through Michael’s lies for what they really are:

- You only tolerate the angel because you think you owe him, because he “gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition.” Or whatever. But since then, what has he done? Only made mistakes, one after the other.

Because over the years since 5.18 they have struggled through the depths of broken trust and forgiven each other everything. They’ve come to an understanding that everything they do, they’ve done out of love. They’re not a couple of dumbasses. They know they do the wrong things for the right reasons, and they understand their own failures and guilt. And most importantly, they know that all of this has been done out of love.

Finally, there’s what Michael says about Dean himself:

- You don’t need them. You don’t even like them. They’re not your family – they’re your responsibilities. They’re a weight around your neck. And deep down, you wanted – you were desperate to get away from them. And that is why you said yes

I compared this statement to what Demon Dean tried to hurt Sam with in 10.03, just before he was cured, but this also goes directly to 5.18, and Dean’s state of mind at that time:

DEAN: Just…let me say this. I don’t know if it’s being a big brother or what, but to me, you’ve always been this snot-nosed kid that I’ve had to keep on the straight and narrow. I think we both know that that’s not you anymore. I mean, hell, if you’re grown-up enough to find faith in me…the least I can do is return the favor. So screw destiny, right in the face. I say we take the fight to them, and do it our way.

We both know that’s not you anymore.

Because there it is, even by the end of 5.18, Dean has acknowledged this relationship with Sam is not just his burden. Like the angels in s5 who desperately needed to divide Sam and Dean, to set them up as adversaries willing to capitulate to fate, that’s exactly what Michael was doing in Rocky’s Bar. He needed to break the Winchesters’ trust and faith in one another, because Team Free Will united is an unstoppable force. The theme the show has been hammering home forever is that they’re better together, stronger together. It’s the power of Love, on every level.