#and then spent all my free time monday sketching stuff and going like wow this all. is not good. art block baby 😎 or something approximate

[birbgalaxy]

i lost my stride lol 💪

[stlfaceless]

California was amazing, so much so that I didn’t really sit down and journal like I thought I would. I flew into San Diego two weeks ago at this point and I’m just getting to this entry. So much has been happening. 

When I got into San Diego I picked up my own rental and took it straight to the dispensary and then to In-N-Out. It was actually liberating to do those things by myself. I felt like I was manifesting my own destiny in those tiny little actions. Finally taking control and responsibility of my own time for once. Small things for everyone else can be so monumental for me to do on my own because of my anxiety. It’s alienating sometimes. Anyhow, I stayed with Kino at my childhood house which is always relaxing. A little less so with his father there, and Kino can be a bit of a controlling toddler at times but overall it was great being there. I stayed the weekend with Sean and Kimchi in LA, which was probably the best part of the trip. I rode the train up and we went to BitchCraft (a witch craft festival pop up), and ate Japanese BBQ the first night I was there. Of course we went to Porto’s bakery early in the day because that place FLOODS MY BASEMENT UGH IT’S SO DAMN GOOD. Anyways. The next day we went to Necromancy Hollywood and Little Tokyo, both amazing as always. The next day got even better because we all went to Disneyland. 

When I got back to San Diego I spent an entire day at Moonlight beach by myself. I brought a backpack complete with graphic novels, a couple jackets for laying around in the sand, a sketch book, and of course a few pre-rolls. I sat on the beach and made friends with a dark brown seagull, stared at the ocean untul I cried, drew a little, read a little, listened to some music. Then I packed up my stuff and walked about the rich neighborhoods by the ocean, and found a spot Lee and I stumbled upon a couple years ago. It’s the street closest to moonlight beach, up the hill, and down the first left turn you can make. It dead ends at a cliff that overlooks the beach. A fence use to block it off but it’s been partially torn down so you can stand on the cliff. I think the cliff itself is neutral property between the houses, but either way I don’t care because I sat the eff down and lit up. It was so relaxing. I walked around some more, found some food, walked back to the beach to watch the sunset, and split the time between watching it from the rocks on the beach and up on the cliff. I don’t know if I’ve ever just watched a sunset like that. Literally staring at it until it disappeared from the horizon. 

Needless to say it was a fantastic trip. I saw my loved ones, and spent time by myself recharging and doing whatever I felt like doing. The week I was gone flew by, maybe faster than any trip I’ve taken in a long time. Of course I was happy to return home to my animals and friends, but it was especially nice since I came home to a cute boy as well.

Things have been going very well with Alex. He is one of the sweetest and most passionate people I have ever met. He truly is a catch, it’s just too bad that we’re both not ready for another serious relationship right now. Sometimes I worry about catching legitimate feelings for him and I’ll be upset if we don’t date, like I was preparing for myself with Lee. But also, I can’t imagine myself in a relationship right now. I love not having any emotional responsibility to anyone but myself right now. And he just ended a six year relationship, so he definitely needs time. 

I ran into Al on Friday when I went to Whiskey Ring for Elle’s birthday party, he joined and we went back to his place after and totally banged and it was a little awkward but very sweet. It’s always awkward the first time with someone, I’m so self conscious I can’t just enjoy myself. It’s getting easier now. He’s kind of throwing me through a loop sexually.  He does things that I’ve never experienced and it’s been the blast of intimacy that I’ve been craving. He’s so touchy-feely, and basically a hopeless romantic. It’s hard to not want a relationship with him. On Saturday we went to wrestling at Fubar and a hardcore show afterwards. He got into the mosh pit and even though he got knocked on his ass it was still cute. We hung out basically all day Sunday in bed until I went to a family dinner later.

 We said we weren’t going to hang on Monday to give us space but when he found out I was longboarding he grabbed his board and joined me. That was pretty hot. Afterwards we went to dinner with Christin and Kaylie at Sushi Station then hit up a couple dive bars. We went to Friendly’s and played some games, and went to grey fox where they had a free drag king / queen show. He stayed over at my place that night and we had a shit ton of great sex, and the next morning we had sex twice again. So he’s a...talker..hah. It’s like actually really hot, he also is very dramatic when he...completes...*wow I’m so awkward*...anyways he covers his mouth and basically has a seizure. So that’s fun. He also described what he wanted to do to me yesterday morning and WOW I WAS LIKE OK TAKE ME NOWWW. 

I like exploring new things with new people. It may make me want to vomit from anxiety but like it’s fun too. I’m trying to stay open to new experiences. I’m trying to take certain things less seriously while making other things much more of a priority, like my career for example. I really need to get on making my resume and sending it out. I need to change my environment. I need to challenge myself. I need to grow as a person. And I’m scared. But that’s ok.