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ratsntophats · 7 years

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Personal

I doubt anyone will read this. I doubt anyone will care. But at this point, i need to get this out of my system. Im not looking for pity points. Im not looking for someone to give me anything at all. I just wish things were easier.

This year fucking blows. I know i know, i always try to be the optimist. Open minded, life is what you make it, yadda yadda. But honestly, there is a darkness in me too, and sometimes i just have to embrace the inevitable. I can't always be bright. I cant always feel hope. Right now i feel buried in the ground with no understanding or motivation to get back up.

Lets piece this one thing at a time.

January. January was pretty cool. I was in love with a girl and a boy, taboo I know. But i thought i was happy. I thought WE were happy. But i guess i was wrong. I was naive. I only saw what i wanted to, i guess? Anyway. In January we all went to Colorado on vacation. It was relaxing, it was fun. We eat, we got high, we saw new places. We even scouted out where we might want to move in a few years, a school we might want to attend. At the time I wasn't totally sole on this plan. Moving halfway across the country is a big deal. But no means did i think this event would bring about an end to my false happiness, the love i thought was reciprocated, from the girl i dumbly wanted to marry.

February comes around. The break up. Out of the blue i get a text. "We need to talk". I was at work when this happened. My heart sunk. Without any warning, or prior talks, i knew. I knew she had given up, somehow. I tried to convince myself that i was overreacting. Of course this wasnt what she wanted to talk about. But i retreated into the office, haunted by fear, anxiety, doubt, and confusion. I cried my eyes out. My voice came hoarse on the walkie system when my coworker tried to find me. He tried ro console me, but i couldn't explain. How could i tell him that i was dating her? She didn't want anyone to know. The entire relationship it killed me inside. I wanted the world to know that this beautiful girl was my girlfriend but she wanted to hide. She was ashamed of me, i guess. Of us. How could i explain that i thought my "roommate", who worked at the same company nonetheleas, was breaking up with me?

After a long, painful shift i returned home. We waited. She wasnt home. We waited. It wae last midnight when she returned to "talk". She explained that she had to talk to someone else first. Someone else she had just met and barely knew. She made us wait, in utmost confusion, until the middle of the night, for HER to explain what this"talk" was about.

"I think we should break up." I couldn't handle it. In one of my weakest moments, heartbroken, I ran outside the apartment sobbing, wandering the streets alone, in my PJs. I don't know how long i wae gone. Eventually we came back. More things werw discussed. I wasn't fully there, not for a while. Even after, i wasnt myself for some time. I don't know how i let it hurt me this bad. But i truly loved her. My dumb self loved her and watched her hook up with the random guy i was never supposed to worry about. It was over. She was never proud of me, of us. For all i know it could have meant nothing to her. And now here i am, almost a year later, still thinking of that beautiful girl.

The awkward month continued. I, luckily, started a new job which kept me busy. I was so excited to make a difference. I felt so proud of my first salaried job.

I was proud. Until, fast forward to months, shit hits the fan. On April Fools day of all days I get on the wrong end of a dispute with one of my clients and am shoved head first into a god damned TV stand. I have never seen so much blood in my life. I was rushed off to the ER, and found that i had broken multiple bones in my nose and cheek, plus a huge gash where i landed. I spend the night in the hospital. The next day, i am cleared to rest at home.

2 weeks of recovery go by slowly. I get a lot of messages of concern and well wishes. I return to work briefly, only allowed to do light office work. Then, i take a month long hiatus to recover from a surgery that fixes my mess of a face and protects against potential future damage with titanium plates. I am now a cyborg.

The next few months flew by, filled with stress and me trying to overcome my trauma, having to see the client that hurt me every day, having to walk into the room where i was hurt. I saw a therapist for the break up and post accident combo. I was a mess. I felt true fear for the first time. I didnt understand it and i didn't know who i was or who i had become. I felt ugly and unwanted. But i pushed myself to go to work, i pushed myself to face my fears. My work life improved so much that i no longer had a home life. I even went to work in my dreams.

Months went on like this, saying goodbye to old coworkers and hello to new ones. I strived to become better, but the job was eating me alive. I no longer felt that overwhelming fear i once had. Instead, i started to feel less and less. I wasn't myself. In fact, i hadn't been myself for quite some time. My passion for the job faded, though my love for my clients will always remain.

November. The kicker. I continued to search for jobs to free myself and make my life my own again. I had several mediocre interviews. None of them felt right. Then, i happened upon a job i truly wanted. A guidance counseling gig. My field. I spoke alone with the school principal and actually enjoyed an interview. Honestly, this was the best interview I've ever encountered. I left the school in such a good mood, excited for my future, buying my colleague donuts and coffee on my way back to the office. Though i had to work late that night, it was one night i didnt mind.

Two days later, i received a voicemail early in the morning. "I'd like to extend an offer of employment to you." I returned the call immediately after my shift, an excitedly accepted my first school counseling job! One that i had been fighting for for 5 years! Trying to be respectful, i spoke to my supervisor shortly after and gave my two weeks notice. I thought i was doing the right thing. I felt terrible for making things difficult on my colleagues, but i wasn't about to turn down this opportunity. This was my time to shine.

November 13th. I was supposed to start November 13th. The principal had informed me that i would hear back from the charter school HR in a few days, that they would be sending me over paperwork with salary information and so on. A few days passed. Nothing. I called the school, the principal was unavailable. I was told they would have him return my call. I gave them some more time. Nothing. I called again, but this time i was met with confusion. "Mr. P no longer works here." Completely baffled, i asked for more information and was told the new administrator would contact me as soon as possible. What had happened? What the heck was going on? I tried to stay optimistic and gave them more time. Still nothing. Eventually i was able to get a hold of the new principal who explained his hands were tied. He was fully aware of my situation and haf passed along my information to HR multiple times. I just had to wait for them.

I waited. And waited. Spoke to the original recruiter that contacted me about the job several times. He didnt know anything. His boss would contact me, he said. So i waited. Finally i received a vague email of some HR personnel asking for a good time to speak over the phone. I was able to clarify that this was one of the people I had been waiting for! We set up a time to talk and i anxiously waited for her to call me with my new salary and details on my start date.

She called, but not about that. This was an interview. A what? A interview. I had to continue to interview for the position i had thought i had already accepted. There was some weird ass miscommunication going on. But i went with it. Once the call was over, i just cried. I had been waiting and waiting for someone to give me more information, and now they had left me with even more questions?

Later that week, i think, my timeline is fuzzy, i received another phone call for ANOTHER interview. I had to interview once again for the job i thought was mine. I went, hoping for the best, but my stomach in knots. Once there, i was told to fill out an application. ARE YOU SERIOUS??? i filled out thw stupid paper and was eventually ushered into the woman's office for the worst interview of my life. I'm not kidding. I had the best and worst interviews in my life within one month FOR THE SAME FLIPPING JOB. The lady stonewalled me for over an hour. Seriously. Question after question after question. I lost myself. I couldn't answer so many of her specifics and the silence of my not knowung was killing me. I wanted to die. To top it all off, she asked me why i left my previous job. Are you serious? I was honest. I told her that i had accepted ths job from the principal and was due to start. No comment, no apologies for communication. She didn't even bat an eye.

And then it was over. I left and returned home, a wreck, on November 13th, the same day i was supposed to start working at my "dream job". Two days later i saw the job posted again on indeed. It still haunts me to this day. I never heard from the stonewall lady, or any of HR, again. Who knows where Mr. P went.

And here i am, nearly a month later, jobless, essentially a hermit, drinking a bottle of wine in the shower before crawling into bed and sobbing. Okay, it was like a 1/4 of a bottle. But still. I'm a mess.

Ironically? I was offered another job. Im going to fill out paperwork tomorrow. But i dont want it. I don't trust it. I actually didn't officially accept it but i think theyre trying to get me by all means possible. A marketing job. The people feel nice, but it feels sketchy. How sad that the idea of a new job makes me break down into tears. How do i know its mine? Do i even want it? What do i want? I dont know anymore.

This became far longer than expected. Perhaps I'm overdue. I wonder what the future holds for me.

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generouslyteenagealpaca-blog · 6 years

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Longstreet Louisiana Cheap car insurance quotes zip 71050

"Longstreet Louisiana Cheap car insurance quotes zip 71050

Longstreet Louisiana Cheap car insurance quotes zip 71050

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HIV testing is now covered under the affordable care act. I went to my ob/gyn for my pregnancy and he ordered hiv testing but I got a bill from the lab for the full cost of the test. ...show more

Do I have to have auto insurance when driving a uhaul?

Ok so My boyfriend and I are planning on renting a uhaul in a few months for our move from Florida to California. We currently do not have auto insurance. If we get pulled over will they ask for proof of insurance? Do we need insurance to drive a rented vehicle? Also does uhaul offer insurance? What does it cover and how pricey is it? I told my bf that you probably dont need insurance to drive a rented vehicle but he disagrees with me. So if you can help me prove him wrong I'd greatly appreciate it.

How much is Liability insurance on a 16 year old's car?

How much would it be if i wanted to get Liability insurance on a car?

K what insurance is the best?

car insurance. ?

I am looking for my auto insurance statement so I can see if my husband paid our insurance?

where do i go on the net so that I can view our previous payments on our insurance

What R some other ways I can to lower my insurance rate?

What is the cheapest car insurance in New York?

""Primary Mortgage Insurance, California?""

I live in southern California. I recently called my bank about refinancing my mortgage. I was advised if I refinance, the PMI insurance I pay will go from $168 to about $340 or something. In other words, by lowering my rate, my PMI goes up. Is this true? I would assume the PMI would lower or stay the same since its now easier to make payments. Please advise...""

What is the best insurance to start off on?

I'm 20, and thinking bout after college and trying to get ready to be on my own. So I was wondering of what is the best insurance company to have at the moment, and any advice I would love to have.""

How much would it typically cost to replace basically an entire front end of a car?

I was hit by a car shooting out of a drive way and it totaled my buick le sabre. I want to know so that i dont get jipped by his insurance.

How much do you pay for health insurance and who do you have?

People keep saying that Romney care made insurance affordable in MA. If health insurance in MA is cheap compared to other states I'm wondering how much you pay and where do you live? I live in MA and I pay $14K a year for Tufts. BCBS of MA wanted nearly $20K.

Longstreet Louisiana Cheap car insurance quotes zip 71050

Motorcycle insurance prices in uk at 17-19?

Hello, I really want to get a motorcycle at the age of between 17 to 20 (preferably 17-18) but I was wondering how much it would cost for the insurance of a brand new Yamaha r125 and a Kawasaki Ninja 300 at each age between 17 to 20, thanks guys and it would clear some thoughts on how much it would be, what age seems good. I really want to get a bike before uni.""

Cheap car insurance? But also good?

My brother recently gave me his car. I'm trying to find a good-cheap insurance. One way / Full coverage. Car type: 1994 Lexus ES 300. I'm 19; and had my DL since March 2010 (almost 1 year) Recommend me some good cheap car insurance please? >.< & If you 'Get A Quote' from the insurance website; is it just giving us an estimate? And not signing up for it just yet??

Can i have insurance in virginia and register my car in nyc?

im getting my car insurance in virginia and i was wondering since my car is in New York may i be able to register the car in new york city?

Car accident insurance wont pay?

Its been about 1 month since the car accident happen a police cruiser tea boned another group of serial killers into a group of cars one car total and others with heavy damage.one of the passengers died two were injured in the crash.we have tried getting a layer but the only thing they say is that they cant really be anything done cause there was a death.we called the insurance but they said that they could not do anything they need it a police report and police wont release the report there because of one death and the case is still under investigation.one month passed we called again and they told us that all of the owners of the cars that were hit had not reported and did not know how to spit what the insurance money covers. now my parents are worried they might not be able to fix there car and not get anything at all we have no idea what to do except keep calling the car insurance.my parents were going to get together with the other drivers to see what they can do. but so far only time has passed and they have not done anything or have gotten anything from the insurance.

""Dose the bank charge insurance for car under 3,000 dollars?

I'm needed a newer car used/wholesale something to fix up. I can't afford full coverage on any vehicle and I heard they don't charge full coverage insurance for cars under 3 grand.

What is the average Motorcycle insurance cost?

Not sure if these are necessary but 16 YO Female Probably Suzuki or Honda 2009 CRF Just estimate please. Don't tell me to call Progressive. If you have owned a motorcycle tell me what your price was. A good straight FWD answer. Thanks. Your source would be helpful too for Example- Motorcycle of 4 years Have a Harley

Home and contents insurance?

which company has the best home and contents insurance and contents inside sheds

Can I get really cheap insurance for my bike if I only use it for a couple of weeks per year?

I live in Argentina, and only go back to the U.S. for a few weeks out of the year. What's the cheapest way to insure my motorcycle while I'm there?""

I am buying my first car and am looking for cheap car insurance. I found a site that is $500 less then Geico.?

Geico was the lowest quote at $1400 but www.usalifeinsurancesite.info quoted me at $900 (which is very cheap for a 16 year old). Can anyone tell me if they are a reliable insurance company? Or has anyone dealt with them and has feedback? Thanks :)

""What exact is whole life insurance, and how do life insurance companies profit from selling it?""

Agents are always extremely keen about selling my family whole life insurance instead of term. According to the agents, whole life is preferable to term since it does not expire and as a result the beneficiary is guaranteed some payment upon the death of the insured. However, why would the insurance company profit from such a setup if they are bound to pay back an amount that is at least equal to the total amount paid? I have tried to do some research on my own, but I still can't seem to fully understand this matter. Any help will be greatly appreciated!""

""Would you buy a health insurance policy if it was not required of you, yet affordable?

a. I'll wait until I'm required to b. No way c. Absolutely e. I want one for free because I don't have a job and I live in my mom's basement

INSURANCE on a BMW 318i 2.0L coupe for a 17 year old? UK?

how much will insurance cost if my dad were to add me to his policy as an additional driver? i'm not fronting, its his car and he will use it most of the time... -- 17 year old just passed test -- 2004 BMW 318i COUPE 2.0L AUTOMATIC -- dad is 50 with 20 years UK driving exp all answers appreciated :)""

Contact information for the knights life insurance company of america?

address

Are there any good arguments for requiring health insurance. Ive only heard arguments against it?

Ive heard the car insurance one, not very solid. I also have heard there will be hardship exemptions and certain levels of income earned that will determine how much help will be given in purchasing insurance. Just looking for somethings to note when someone brings up this part of the bill""

Is it worth it buying a salvage motorcycle from insurance auction?

Do anyone have an idea about how the insurance of 1992 mistubishi expo cost for 19 years old male?

Someone who knows California car insurance?

So my parents are out of town for the weekend and my aunt is watching us. My brother has his permit and he was driving my aunt & I around. My aunt was in the passenger seat. So my mom called saying that my brother can't drive until she gets back because he is not under her insurance. Is this true ? Or is she just saying that ?

Average cost of auto insurance for a truck per month?

Had a minor accident (my fault)... how much should I expect my insurance go up as a new driver?

I bought a brand new car and had an accident 3 hours after... I was parked and trying to leave, and while backing up I turn too early and my front bumper hit the rear side end of the other vehicle (damage of the other vehicle was 12x5 scrape and no dent)... I was asked for 1k for repairs so I decided to have our insurance work with it. I have insurance under Geico so I was wondering how much will my insurance go up as a new driver?""

Has anyone had to reimburse your employer for health insurance?

my job comes with insurance i recently had to have surgery and was off work for a few weeks and now i have to repay them because i am not there to work and they want me to pay them back . i went with out pay as well is this normal??

""Affordable dentistry in Dallas, TX?""

I am currently looking for an affordable orthodontist this will most likely not be covered by insurance, so if you can please recommend me to an affordable dentist in the Dallas area, yes I have tried searching but sometimes its easier from hear abouts. Thank you""

Insurance cost for Corvette?

Hey I'm 16 and have quite a bit of money saved for a car so im gonna get a decent one nd i was thinking a corvette. I was wondering about (I know no one knows exactly) how much the insurance is going to be on like a 00 or 01 model. Also if you know insurance cost of a 350z too that would be great. Thanks for the help

""Hit and run accident, should insurance pay for my auto damage?

Here is my situation that I'm confused about. About a week ago I went to church and parked my car. Next thing I know is that someone was driving stolen (Yukon) car and has hit the ...show more

Looking for cheap car insurance.?

have a dodge avenger. and need suggestions for in expensive insurance

Best Apartment insurance?

Hey I need apartment insurance. What are the top five best apartment insurance places? Thank you!!

Longstreet Louisiana Cheap car insurance quotes zip 71050

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/online-quote-car-insurance-dubai-simon-flatcher/"

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