#anyone else not in the club rn mourning missed opportunities and connections? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

narutomaki · 5 months

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I'm sick (again) with who knows what (again) and it fucking sucks (again) because this is the second time I've been Sick sick with something other than 1) 1 days bugs cause by food/allergies(?) or 2) anxiety and pain flare ups

and the first time I was sick I tested after getting over the worst of it and tested positive for covid 2 times, my roommate got sick with who knows what either covid from me or a unknown cold from their friends in the building

but what this all essentially means is I'm spending New Years alone while also having spending Christmas also alone (my friend celebrates and i was supposed to go over to celebrate with them and their family but SICK) and usually me and that same friend in the brackets send New Years together but we haven't for two years in a row now

and idk i'm just jealous and bitter bcus my roommate is hanging out with mutual friends that don't care that they're sick bcus they didn't test positive for covid but I wasn't even asked if I wanted to try and come along somehow which like. ow?

and idk. i don't like being alone. especially because I do put a lot of stock in New Years day and being with my friend(s) but I'm alone and my dog's sick and...

I got sick because I had to take my mask off for an ENT appointment, where in the end nothing was visibly wrong, where she didn't think the lump on my head was an issue and I was too anxious to tell her that YES the lump does and has repeatedly changed in size and-

I'm getting a scan of some sort done on my head next month (i think) where I won't be able to wear a mask bcus all of mine have metal in them so I guess I should get a fabric mask and see if my n95 inserts fit in them? better than nothing and that has to count bcus I don't want to get sick AGAIN (AGAIN)

so i'm just. sitting alone in my freezing apartment eating a chocolate bar i don't like smoking and working on art and trying to ... idk. just trying.

#just kinda hurts that even if i would have said no that despite what my RM is sick with likely being covid from me/their friend in town they #smoke weed with that i wasn't even hit up at all to see if hanging out would be smthn i wanted to do #like i know they're all just going to be smoking weed and drinking and i hate being around both of those things #(migraine trigger and past drinking problems)#but i could have hung out in the bathroom with the dogs or something while they hot boxed #idk im the boring normicore loser of the friend group and despite wanting to be around them when they're already high/drunk #i wasn't like even messaged myself to be like 'hey i invited (RM) and other friend who you know and like did you want to try and figure out #a way to join us?'#sits here. man. just sitting here.#and like i want to tell them but if i do they both have intense RSD and it will ruin their night rn or in hindsight #and it dosen't bother me that much that i would risk them suffering bcus im kind of upset #abt not being invited to someting that would have been full of triggers and anxiety #bcus im not rlly upset about all that im just upset about being alone and feeling left out #sighs......#anyone else not in the club rn mourning missed opportunities and connections?

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