#anyway ghe show was nice before igot in my own head
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#finishes a happy show abt love by uncontrollably sobbing because imso fundamentally broken and past the point of being fixed that i cannot#love and receive love and dont feel at all deserving of even doing so#i cant trust fhat people love me itll always be in the back of my mind that its fake that its all a lie i cant accept that anybody could#believing that the only way someone could love me is if they were manipulated into doing so and imholding someone captive with the brutality#of who i am. i wish love made me sweet ans gentle and kind#its like ive locked away all thelove i have in a box but its rotting away and irs making that box heavy ans idk if i can carry it anymore#nevermind someone else. i dont want to crush ppl and suffocate them and yet its all ive ever been able to do#one day iwill find acceptance in being undeserving of it all but for now ill just continue to want and long and yearn#i hate desiring what i cannot have. i wish i was being hyperbolic. i wish i could just say its an episodebut i cant#ivelocked myself so far away out of reach that i dont think i coukd bring it back even if i desperately wanted to#it would be better if i had no love to give but its not true. i have so much love to give but no one id want to subject to carrying it#ishould sleep#anyway ghe show was nice before igot in my own head
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