#anyway uh everyone listen to ‘looking for something’ by CASTLEBEAT. that’ll heal you

[flowercrowngods]

Hi! This might not be too helpful but I thought I'd share anyway just in case. You wrote in an ask reply tag that you realized that you are not a person who is okay but that it is alright. That reminded me so much of some of my own realisations about myself. I've come to learn that I cannot handle as much as others. Cannot take on as many tasks, as many meet ups (even friendly), or fill my day with as many things as people around me. It always felt like that meant that I was somehow less or weaker. But runninng into the same phenomenon over and over again made me question things. Also I would never think this about anyone else, this painful way of thinking was only reserved for myself. But with time I figured that maybe it was absolutely okay to have a different capacity for things. This is FINE. I'm not wrong or weak for this. Don't get me wrong, its still a daily struggle to remind myself, but it does get easier to believe.

So when I read this tag of yours I was really hoping that you meant it in a similar way, where this knowledge can bring comfort. You deserve the comfort! Wish I could hug you tightly 🫂

i love that you sent me this ask. i love that you worked (and are working) towards acceptance and respect and gentleness. you deserve that and i’m proud of you 🤍

as for myself, it’s a bit like that too, yeah

“i’m not okay but it’s fine it’s fine we move on anyway”

some days it means “i’m not okay but what the hell am i gonna do about it now except watch cartoons and try not to think until not being okay is not as prevalent and choking anymore”

some days it means “i’m not okay but i’ll try anyway, who knows what good might come of it”

some days it means “i’m not okay but in 10 minutes or an hour or tomorrow might be so i’ll put myself out there”

some days it means “i’m not okay and i haven’t been and maybe never will be and i get to mourn that, i get to be angry for all the past versions of myself who were refused help, i get to do things for them, because we are not okay and we get to be angry but still we deserve nice things”

some days it means “i’m not okay and that’s fine because there are people who will help me”

some days it means “i’m not okay and i will take a break now, i will breathe and try again later, or accept that simply cannot do this right now”

sometimes we just live with that mental limp, and some days it’s worse than others. we can’t pretend like it’s not there — what good would that bring? no, we just live with it. it’s fine, it’s fine, we move on anyway. but still we get to decide how and at what pace and in which direction we move on. it’s just the moving on part that is non-negotiable, and i feel like we deserve more credit for that — mostly from ourselves.