#anyway. it’s been literal years since i’ve had sex im going fucking apeshit over here

[lycan-subscribe]

you knowwwww i’m getting desperate when i start to even vaguely reconsider downloading tinder again

[fatgirlsguidetodating]

Blog: The one that got away part 1.

Everyone has their story of “the one that got away.” I’m not sure it’s entirely possible but I’ve got two “ones that got away.” One was my fault, the other less so. Ironically they both had the same name too- just spelt differently, one with a ph in the middle, one with a v.

S with a V was the first. I was 22-23 when I met him at work. My experience with men up until then had been terrible. My first love, the first man I had slept with, had pretty much fucked me up for a few years and I was still feeling those effects. At the time I had feelings for a guy C, I’d worked with before S, but it was never going to go anywhere. He hated the idea of marriage and kids and even thought me wanting a new car was materialistic. But he and I had many intellectual debates and ended up at the same uni. I stayed at his place a few times but nothing ever happened. In hindsight this is a good thing! (Irony: J, C and S all worked for the same company along with me just in different stores. Talk about keeping it in the pizza family.)

S, however, was in a relationship. It was his first, and only, girlfriend from when they were about 15ish. (He ended up marrying her.) And it was, to put it mildly, a pretty turbulent relationship. They fought all the time and he confided in me quickly as we clicked instantly when working together. We both had the same wacky sense of humour and in between deliveries we would sit and chat. On slow nights I might go out with him on a close delivery or vice versa to chat more. He confided in me about his girlfriend. Some of the things he told me made me look at him askance; how the fuck was he still with a girl who got jealous if he even made a female friend yet she went to a party where they played spin the bottle and she pashed a few guys and when he got shitty about it she turned it back on him and somehow he became the one in trouble? She was forever cracking the shits at him for no reason whatsoever. When she would ring him he wouldn’t know if she was going to be nice or she was going to abuse him for some imagined problem. She was forever out partying, drinking and doing drugs. He was at uni, she worked as a waitress and I think was doing a TAFE course. Because we got along so well we would often chat after work and then he’d head home and if she was there she would go nuts because she thought we were shagging. I remember something he said once- “at least if we were I’d know you were sane and I’d not be in the shits all the time with a schizo girlfriend.” I just sort of laughed it off but that night, back home, I realised I had a bit of a crush on him.

To counter that I’d spend more time with C, the guy I had feelings for. My friends often joked that maybe C was gay when he’d had me in his bed a few times with no reaction. We often went out for drinks. Even though C was a couple of years older than me he was on his P’s because of a drink-driving incident. In his past he had been a bit of a bad boy- alcohol and drugs. But before we met he’d pulled himself together, gone back and finished school, done a tafe course (I can’t remember if it was a certificate or diploma) and had started at my uni. Occasionally he would do things that gave me hints that maybe he liked me- such as putting an arm around me, or rubbing my arm and asking if I was cold, once grabbing my hand when I had cracked the shits with him and saying come stay at mine. But, ultimately, nothing happened. We ended up losing contact maybe three or four years later when he cracked the shits with me for not wanting to go drinking that night even though I explained because of my back surgery sometimes I couldn’t just be so spontaneous. After that he refused to reply to another email. (The days before FB or early days of it but he wouldn’t have had it anyway and I have looked his name up occasionally but not found him.)

But back to the one who got away. He would sometimes kind of flirt with me and I let him because harmless flirting seemed okay. We wanted to have a drinking night one night, as mates, but his girlfriend went apeshit so that got nixxed. Then one morning he rang me at home. We were both working that night (Saturday), me until 9:30, him until 10 or 10:30. I hadn’t seen him since the weekend before and he told me he and the girlfriend had broken up last Sunday. I was like are you okay? He said yeah, it was the right thing to do. And the fact was he had been talking about breaking up for awhile, before he started sometimes flirting with me even. Anyways he was like so wanna have that beer night since she can’t say no. I was off my P’s by then so could have a few without a major issue driving but he’s like you can crash here. (He was in the caravan at his dad’s house.) I was like oh okay, why not. (There were probably plenty of reasons why not truth be told!) The topic of the girlfriend came up again- I can’t remember how or why- but I *do* remember him saying something like but that’s okay you can give me a hug tonight right? I was like sure.

So I finished work but I went on S’s deliveries with him and we chatted and when finished I followed him home. We had a beer and then went to his brother’s house for a bit (with my hash cookies) and then back to his. We were just sitting around chatting and drinking beer. There may have been a little flirting but not a lot. When suddenly the girlfriend turns up. She’s here for “her stuff” after the concert she had been to that night (it was one of those slightly psychedelic rock bands from the late 1990’s, a band I remember I liked back in high school like three odd years before). Seeing me she said “replaced me already?” I was quick to say “no!” S was just watching while she grabbed a few things and then she went out the van and he followed her. He was out there awhile, I was sitting drinking my beer thinking okay I haven’t drank too much it may be better to go home. So when he came back in as she left I said “maybe I should go.” “Please don’t.” Was his reply. So I didn’t.

We kept sitting on the bed drinking beer, listening to music or watching tv and chatting. At some point in this he said to me, “so where’s my hug?” Hence we ended up half lying half sitting for awhile with our arms around each other, only moving when I finished the end of my beer. (One should never ever leave beer in the bottle, this is a philosophy I live by to this day!) After that he lay down and was like come on, so I did too. I was on the inside (next to the wall of the caravan), facing the wall and he was lying behind me, facing me, his arms around me. We lay like that for awhile. Then at some point I became aware of him moving his body closer to mine. And I would then reciprocate and do the same. Anyway next thing you know he’d rolled us over and he was lying on top of me kissing me. We made out for awhile, he spent some quality time with my boobs and another part of my body. For some insane reason I said to him I didn’t want to have actual sex. He’s like that’s okay, can we still fool around? I said yes. So we continued. Whilst this was happening we had a shock thinking his ex was back so my clothes were quickly fixed. It wasn’t, it wasn’t anyone. By then I had to go the toilet and we went inside and went the toilet and came back out.

We had another beer and then he started kissing me again. He said how much I turned him on and how gorgeous I was. I said dude you haven’t even had that much beer or hash cookies! He laughed and said no, you are, let me show you how much and placed my hand on his work pants covered erection. Im not big on talking too much about sexual details- even with mates to a degree unless I’ve had a few lol- but I will say he got a BJ.

Then we got ready for bed. I turned my back to him to put my pjs on (. my yellow flannelette ones with I believe teddies or dogs on them). Whilst doing this he asked me “The Question.” The one I regret answering how I did to this very day! He asked it casually but I think kind of hopefully, “but you don’t want a relationship do you?” “Nope.” I said. “Damn.” He said. ‘Damn!’ I thought. Why the fuck had I just lied and told the guy I had a major crush on that I didn’t want to be with him when I did? I have analysed that lie a few times over the years. One theory I came up with was I lied because he may have ended up back with his ex and I would have looked like an idiot but my prevailing theory is that I lied because I didn’t know what he was going to say and I may have looked like a total fuckwit! If I had known he would say that I would have told the truth. But I couldn’t take it back.

He slept on the floor that night rather than in the bed with me because he thought it would make the girlfriend feel better if that was the case and they got back together though he did say he wouldn’t take her back because what she had done was fucked. (He did tell me what she had done and how the breakup had gone down but I can’t remember the details now.)

In the morning we went inside to get breakfast (I just had a coffee cos of my whole not eating in front of people especially those I have crushes on policy), and I met his Dad, his Dad’s new (younger) wife and the one or two kids. I remember chatting with the kids for awhile and them wanting to show me toys. When I left he gave me a hug, said he’d see me at work Weds but we would email before then.

We did email. He told me his brother told him he really liked me, like better than he did his ex. He said he spoke to the ex once but nothing came of it. That weds I was nervous going to work. It was the firs time i would see him after what had happened. Would it be be awkward? But when we first saw each other- maybe twenty odd minutes into my shift- he acted like he always did. We were pretty busy so it was awhile before we got a chance to talk when we both got back from deliveries at the same time. And he mentioned “the girlfriend.” My heart literally dropped but I managed to keep a straight face as he told me he went over there the night before; he gave her a bunch of flowers, she gave him a ten second blow job. (10 seconds- either dude has no stamina or she has pornstar skills?!) I was like oh, cool. But the first chance I got alone I sat in my car with my head on the steering wheel and had a little cry. And then told myself well it was my own fucking fault for lying!

After that we went back to being friends and while he seemed the same I pulled back a little, talked about C more, not wanting to seem at all pathetic to him, not wanting him to think I was pining away for him, or to know I had shed more than a few tears on his behalf. We worked together for awhile longer before I left. He was sad when I left and said he’d miss working with me, I said you can email me? And we were Facebook friends on and off for a few years. I saw him one day, the year after I’d left, at the train station in the city. His Uni was near there and I’d started going to Melbourne Uni. I could have said hi. I didn’t. I slowly melted back into the crowd and was glad his train came next.

Like I said he married the girlfriend, they’ve got a few kids together. She clearly grew up and stopped being the partying slut she was (but hey isn’t that what our late teens/early twenties are for??).

If I’d said yes to The Question would life have been different? Would we have had a relationship? Would we have lasted? Would he have ended up with her? I’ll never know…..

Fatgirl.

P.S This turned out a lot longer than I’d expected which is why I’m going to do S with a PH next as a separate entry.