#anyway. u know that reductress headline that’s like Sorry For Being So Crazy While You Were Busy Treating Me Like Absolute Shit

[neurotic-prayer]

sorry ill edit in a read more when im on my computer again but i just had a panic attack in my car and needed to vent :) :) :)

cw abusive ex shit and general mental collapse relating to an ex / a breakup

okay i thought wednesday and thursday were bad after finding out that ***** moved back but im straight up having a fucking breakdown about my ex moving back to portland without warning! like logically yes i worked through all of it a million times and was like “this sucks but i’m fine” but i think it finally Truly hit my emotional side and now i cant feel my body and am. thinking some Bad Thoughts and there’s literally NOTHING i can do about it

and i feel so fucking insane so fucking awful i can’t handle this and i know im being stupid but also im not!?!? it’s literally Not unreasonable for me to be upset that this person made a series of calculated and intentional decisions to move back here (where i am stuck and cannot get away) with absolutely no warning let alone any amount of courtesy for the fact that this shit is actively going to fuck me up because he doesn’t think his actions have effects on me unless he Wants to hurt me like newsflash asshole! i know you think that a year without contact is your choice to be the Mature Healthy Adult (despite you literally disrepecting Every Single Time in the last TWO YEARS i tried to do that) but you fucking reappearing in the small ass city you know i’m stuck in with absolutely zero fucking notice is going to fucking have an effect on me, whether or not you talk to me about it!!!! that’s still something that is a conscious (and in this context kinda shitty!!!) move on your part that is an actively harmful action towards me and the LEAST you could’ve done is fucking warned me that i wouldn’t get to have a single. year. without you looming over me like this!! fuck!

like don’t get it twisted im not claiming that im the only one of us allowed here or that i have some exclusive Right to live in portland (like honestly he can have it i have been actively counting down the days until i can go back to chicago since i got on the train in january) i’m just really fucked up about apparently being the last person to find out about this and having all of my friends tell me that they assumed i knew about it and just wasn’t wanting to talk about it! like they all are SO aware of how fucked up that whole situation had (and has!!) me that they didn’t say ANYTHING about him being here because they assumed that i wasn’t bringing it up for a reason! and the fact that he just. shows up again with absolutely No Fucks Given about what happened (and what is continuing to happen Because of things he did) and gets to be the Fun Carefree Playboy while i c o n t i n u e to have this shit just destroyyyyy me is so incredibly unfair and it makes me hate having to wake up and live my life literally every single fucking day!!! i have so much on my plate as is!!! but he never lets the wound heal before its reopened and gets shit rubbed in it again, but i’m the only one who has to deal with it and that’s so fucking insane to me. i have not yet gotten to have a life without this shit hanging over my head and he just refuses to see that and see the damage that’s done to me! but the minute he decides he wants to fuck other people again he just... gets to do that! no consequences! no repercussions! it’s not fair! i feel like a selfish toddler throwing a tantrum saying that but it’s literally not! fair! that he refuses to acknowledge any of it, let alone take ANY responsibility for it! and that was hard enough when he was across the country but now he’s living less than two fucking blocks from me and my friends are running into him everywhere and now i’m finding myself fucking paranoid and scared to go to the grocery store or the park or anywhere or even DRIVE because i know that seeing him out of the blue will fucking! break me right now! how is that fair! how is that healthy! how is that helping US move on when he’s the only one that ever benefits from his decisions! why is he the only one that gets to make decisions ever! why were my decisions consistently disrespected and straight up violated at times when i’m supposed to understand and respect his! why does he respect me less than /literally/ every other person in his life? and how am i supposed to move on from the fact that someone i loved so deeply and intensely doesn’t even treat me like a human being? when the entire situation i’m trying to “move on from” follows me everywhere and doesn’t let me breathe? how is this fair! how the fuck am i supposed to live like this! how the fuck am i supposed to live like this how the fuck am i supposed to live like this