lollytea · 6 months ago
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I am just as nitpicky as anybody else when it comes to characters I'm obsessed with. But I don't find people who mischaracterize them nearly as annoying as people who write condescending posts about others who mischaracterize them which seem more motivated by feeding their own superiority complex about Being The One Person to Understand Mr Blorbo rather than giving any constructive advice.
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gguksgalaxy · 5 years ago
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Unfortunately sex is what draws people in. It's the same with movies and TV-series and it's the reason why books like 50 shades of gray get so popular. And after putting out smut fics I guess it can make a person a bit greedy because of the knowledge of how well people can react. And it seems to crush a little piece of confidence each time it doesn't go as well as before. I don't think you should stop writing, there are still people who love you and your writing no matter what genre, I just>
> think that people, you and me and everyone else need to stop seeing other people’s opinions as the thing that decides our worth or how well we do things. If you love writing then who’s to say you shouldn’t. Sure, some fics might get better response than others but don’t let that affect you. You should write for yourself and for the group of people who actually do love your writing. And just because a smut fic that you feel is not as good as what you can do then that doesn’t mean it’s bad. I love reading smut, not even because I’m horny but because it just puts a little extra spice in the story but let me tell you, I cannot get through it if it’s written poorly or if I feel like there’s no effort put into it. I also love reading fics that has no smut in it what so ever. Some people might read it only for the smut but you should not care about them. Write for yourself the people who adore you and if you don’t want to write smut the that’s okay. But I think it would be a waste of great talent to stop writing altogether. And I can honestly say I would be a little disappointed if you were to exclude smut because it interesting and fun to read and it also needs to be done well but if that is what makes you happy then I’m happy. Like I said; you should write for you and if you want to include all types of stories or not it doesn’t matter as you are writing for you. But it would be a shame to let your talent go to waste just because of people who don’t stick around anyway.
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Note in no way is this supposed to be a personal attack towards this anon, this is about my interaction with my followes as a whole!
Hi, I understand that you were coming from a good place, and tried to explain to me that I should just write for me and not care about what anybody says. However, I feel like if I were writing just for me then I wouldn’t be posting it. I can read my own work on my laptop in private, but you guys cannot. I write things and post them because i want to share them with people and because I aim for people to enjoy it. Of course I don’t aim to please everyone, but I can to some extent say that most people write to share it to some certain extent otherwise we wouldn’t be out here posting it. If you think this is weird or makes me an attention seeker then so be it. 
However, your post was fine as it was. But you saying ‘hey you’re talented and should keep writing, but I’ll still be disappointed if you stop writing smut’ really kind of explains the problem Im dealing with. I know that I am to some extent okay at writing, and I know that there are people who like my writing. But I cannot stand the fact that people just omit my some of writing because it doesn’t have smut. 
By no means do I want to hate on smut writers, you can do whatever you want. But a lot of the time writers on here who don’t write smut are lead to believe that their writing is less because it’s pg, and that’s just toxic to some extent. I write smut for the skill, because the story asks for it, or because I feel like it. But most of the time I focus on other things, building relationships, showing characters, deep intertwined plot stories. And it just sucks for people to be out here praising my works depending on the nasty-value. It’s hard for a lot of us to gain value without writing smut. My blog has seen it, this is not me speculating. 
Am I aware that sex sells? Yes. But so do Young Adult novels and none of them have sex in it. So like the truth of the matter remains a mystery to me. 
All I’m asking if for people to show works, not just mine, appreciation for their hard work and skill a little more.
If you don’t agree with me that’s fine, I’m not out here to offend anyone on the matter, but I just wanted to voice my opinion since it’s affecting my own work and mental health
- Gwaen.
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ellerevelle · 5 years ago
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okay so im feeling crazy and detached again (as usual lately)
but instead of spiraling into absolute fucking panic, I’m deciding to take today to just ... not wholly subscribe to this manner of thinking BUT. JUST FOR NOW. I feel like taking some of the craziness flack off myself and blaming it on some shit outside of myself. Because feeling this weird and detached cant all just be me. So here’s a brainstorming of whats got me fucked up, in no particular order: 
Trump is our stupid President
That guy who told me he loved me daily and asked me to be his girlfriend after basically living with me immediately after meeting me and I fell for hard despite a ton of red flags CHEATED on me while I was away visiting home. 
And then blamed it on MY bad communication? fuck that guy. 
But now I see one of the girls he slept with (multiple times, three days in a row) I see her everywhere all the time in everyones instagrams, at everyones parties... ugh. 
Um. People are dying. Close to me. More importantly and spefcifically women I love are dead. 
I didnt get to see Inga before she died. I was too busy forging a relationship with CHEATER GUY. Didnt get home in time to see her. Talk to her. 
Grandma. This has been the whole first year without her, come November. Its subtle, but terrible and I hate it. She was my last matriarch. The last woman who’s blood is in me. 
because Mom’s dead too. And has been since August of 2015. 2015, right? God it feels like forever ago now, probably because I’ve pushed it away. She died unexpectedly and NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS SAID THE WORD SUICIDE OUT LOUD even though thats what happened. She OD’d on prescribed opiate painkillers to escape her depression. And we NEVER talk about it. 
So I kindof feel insane. Not talking about things that are clearly there. Like, are they not clearly there for anybody else? Now all my women are gone. My brother literally avoids talking about feelings. My dad is a little more receptive but is more the comforting type than the forthcoming, express onesself type. Getting sentimentality out of my brother is like pulling teeth sometimes. But yet if his son does something cute, its God’s Work and he cant help but cry and get that beautiful lovie squishy look on his face. 
I’m jealous of my own nephew. I see the way my Mom loved me, in the way my Brother loves his son. And I miss being that perfect to somebody. My Dad loves me forever and always and there isnt a word for how grateful I feel for our relationship. I dont take that for granted at all. It actually kindof scares me because... hah, well what if Dad dies? Like, before I’m ready? I’ll be even MORE fucked! 
Anyways. Austins been pissing me off. I’m sorry but although Polyamory is possible and cool and im sure quite beautiful for many, 
The Austin poly scene is fucked and tainted and a bunch of slutty people having orgies and not TALKING about anything and its ruining the healthy vibe poly is incumbent upon. 
So, whatever I’m angry. So fuck that noise. 
I feel like because of cheater guy and my anger at the psuedo poly orgy sexy bullshit scene in Austin, I feel like I’ve broken up with a whole group of friends. Like, I dont want to be around any of it. I dont want to see you eat mushrooms and twerk. I dont want to see your stupid, super naked outfit. I dont think its hot you carry a flogger or can pole dance or slink around like a tarantino character. It used to be hot and thrilling and fun, when I felt like it was connected and for love and sharing and caring. But now it all just is slutty and vapid and useless and cold. Like a sad clown. And thats not sexy, its dark and desperate. *this is about both VERY particular people and broad general strokes. There are several extremely amazing friends in the scene and outskirts thereof that truly inspire me and dont fall into this catagory in my mind, although they’d probably still be angry with me for dissing things ^^ the way I just did but. fuck it, this is MY journal entry and I can be irrational if I want to. 
You cant be open fucking minded ALL the time. Sometimes people really arent acting with anyones best intentions but their own. I’ve used up SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY making myself soften and open and “woke” and trying to go with everybodys flow. And I’m exhausted and over it. I have my own principles and theres nothing wrong with having differing opinions than someone else. 
All summer I’ve been feeling like I’m a bad person for not liking or not understanding this hyper sexual scene in Austin. I thought, “why am I shaming a scene thats giving me opportunity to really shine and be free?” when, in an IDEAL world, yes thats what the scene could be. But in what actually fucking unfolds -- humans SUCK and dudes SUCK and girls SUCK and everybody (especially when horny) are fucking STUUUUPIIIIIDDDD and ideals get thrown out the window! people arent nearly as “woke” as I gave them the actual credit for. Seriously. So! I’m fuckin OUTTIE! 
I’ve felt broken up with a whole scene. FUck cheater guy, fuck poly, fuck orgies, fuck people who are reckless with my love. 
Back to the list:
I’ve been eating too much out of boredom. Which I’ll blame on lack of quality social interaction in this town. Where are the scholars? Where are the sexy edgy BRAINY people? I’m tired of hot people in little clothing in the summer. 
Ah! Another thing for the list. its been TOO FUCKING HOT OUT. FOR MONTHS. 100 DEGREES FOR MONTHS. thats enough to make anyone insane. 
So i’m sick of teenie boppers in their nothing outfits in the heat. 
I want old smart people in peacoats. I miss books and weather and frowns. Irritable debates about literature or physics or religious theories. 
I only like my own brand of cigarettes. 
My roommates are annoying me. I dont really like my house anymore. Theres too many humans and not enough square footage. Four people to one kitchen is TOO MUCH SHIT. EVERYONE BUYS THEIR OWN BANANAS AND THEY ALLLLLL GO BROWN ON THE TABLE. thats four peoples worth of bad bananas. FUcking stupid. 
I dont have a hairdresser here. Sometimes when I feel shitty I like to throw money at the problem. Buy something. Get a haircut. See a show. Etc. 
And my hairdresser love is in Philadelphia and getting a flight to get a haircut is slightly insane (without a longer visit)
I miss Adam. 
What else can I blame my upset on. Shitty politics, shitty weather, shitty social sexual scene in my town, I dont like my house, I dont like my hair. Its too expensive to live here. No one in my immediate acquaintance or friend circle seems interested in the sort of romantic relationship I’m seeking, nor if they did does anyone have the “it” factor I look for which I’ll *try* to describe maybe in another post. 
So. I sit inside my room and try to fix stupid remedial things as if itd make a big impact. I tidy and put away clothes in attempt to feel less cluttered but am too scared to make BIG cuts and BIG changes. So instead I light insence and watch netflix and eat too much. I have started going to Barre3 again more and have been semi regular with therapy so thats something. 
I really ought to start doing “morning pages” like the book Fiona loaned me suggests in its FIRST GODDAMN CHAPTER. But, alas, I am lazy. 
No, I have become recently lazy. 
I’m spoiled. I dont do things I dont want to do. Its a major character flaw. I only push and struggle if I see worthyness in it, and lately theres been serious lack of evidence of that in, well, anything.
 #depression! 
so, I guess in summation- because nothing has been a WORTHWHILE struggle, EVERYTHING feels like a struggle. Humph. thats... thats not good. But it does, because i dont see the worth in a lot of goals or tasks or even relationships, (and i dont mean the greedy “what can I GET for ME out of this!” sort of b.s.) (I mean the... conserve precious energy, is this going to teach me something or help me grow as a person or bring love into my life sort of vibe) ...
when I dont think the energy expenditure is going to pay off, I dont do it. Or I do it half way or lazily or with tentative fear. I guess I could do an experiment and just do everything with HOPE and see if my energy put in will get a different result... but. like. I feel like I did that all summer and he cheated on me. And my “friends” said “dont be angry, be poly” and I couldnt call on my Mom or Grandma and so I call on eating and isolation and running away to visit home where no one cares I dont have a job. where the house is big and the air is cold and my friends are smart. 
I really miss Kristian. That was one of the greatest feelings of self love in my entire life. I felt like, if someone that special noticed ME. Saw ME. Little old, semi chubby, not famous ME, and wanted me around for a couple tour dates. Then I ought to believe in myself TOO. I wanted to dance, I wanted to make art, I wanted to take photos, I wanted to be bold, I wanted to be humble, I felt so open and content with myself. I was motivated to work out, I was motivated to eat healthy and clean and small portions. It was easy. It felt so fun. I loved him. I dreamt big. My imagination was so warm and excited. My inner critic was GONE. 
But he faded away. He got back with his ex. The shooting star left the sky. I’m still grateful for the experience at all, but. 
I feel a little stupid for thinking anything could’ve happened. 
And I truly miss feeling so special and excited about life. 
I dont want to run away from Austin out of fear. But I cant tell if I’m unhappy and want to leave genuinely, or if this is the spoiled part of me thats like, “this sucks, lets leave.” instead of pushing though, curating something better with some struggle, and sticking it out. 
How do people make big life decisions like this? I feel like thats what marriages do. People stay together and fight. But sometimes they get divorced anyways, its just been longer. More years wasted. When maybe it wouldve been healthier to leave sooner and cut the cord and be free to live without, sooner. 
I really like a lot of things about this city. But I really dislike a lot too. And I cant tell where I want my life to go, in a grand sense, so its hard to pick which attributes will matter in the long run. 
I dont think I should leave yet. Maybe a new house. Or like, serious efforts to declutter this one. Is this just excuses? Ugh. 
Declutter this house. If that doesnt feel better, leave the house and move to a new part of austin. If that doesnt feel better, leave austin. 
I need a job. 
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