#anywayyyyy just a wee rant that you are free to ignore. like i said it's 1am so this doesn't count
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#ignore this bc it is almost 1am and that's way too late to be complaining about anything#you know what they say if you are dissatisfied with your life after 9pm just wait until the next morning#any bad thoughts had after 9pm don't count#but anyway.#i just feel like. a lot less enthusiastic about spnblr than i used to#and spn in general#which scares me#bc who am i without my hyperfixation#also the community on here has become my family#but lately it's become too much and i've been feeling the urge to pull away#from spn from tumblr but also from the people#which sucks because my brain is in between two mindsets rn#the ''spnblr is our home and we are in love with everyone here'' mindset and the ''this is too much run away now'' mindset#i sort of have um. bad stuff. trauma related to these parasocial or semi parasocial relationships (basically i got really attached to#someone online once and then they died and i couldn't mourn them bc i wasn't actually in their life. also got broken up with by my online#best friend of two years at the same time) so now whenever i see myself getting too attached to people online i'm like nopeeee gotta go#i'm sort of there now like i can feel the protective layer of emotional detachment descending upon me#but also i still need a hyperfixation to live and i can't see myself moving on from spn anytime soon#so it's like i'm both tryna be here and not be here#anywayyyyy just a wee rant that you are free to ignore. like i said it's 1am so this doesn't count#tw death mention
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