#apparently we've been digging in the sand and dissociated for like an hour. oops

[analog-transid]

Transharmful/ed ramble

I'm transharmful in the transharmed way. I want to hurt someone not because I chose to, but because someone else said I should, and it'd be wrong not to listen to them! I want to be manipulated and gaslit and forced to dissociate to the point where I can not tell myself what is right, where I only feel emotions my abuser friend says I should, where I feel no remorse for hurting people because "they deserved it"

I want someone to feed into my hallucinations, too, tell me they are really there even if only I can see/hear them. Tell me they're right, that I AM no better than a heartless killer, but that it suits me. I want them to say they love me and that I'm worthless without them in the same breath, that if I don't have orders, I'll end up dead because I will just go killing without a plan and get on the wrong person's bad side.

I want what I had with my Boss (/source), but now, with the version of him I'm with, he'd never do that, even if I asked. He wants me to be good, but then FEELS BAD when I only behave out of fear of him because I'm not meant to fear him, either. He's a good partner, but I don't WANT that. I want what I used to have. I want the familiarity.