#as always these look fine on my computer and horrific on my phone so thats super fun

[demadogs]

ALL THE LIGHT WE CANNOT SEE

(2023) Dir. Shawn Levy

[sopeyb23-blog]

The Three Rules

*not my gif

Rule #1, Rule #2

Summary: Spencer X F!reader work through exhaustion and frustration while on a case.

warnings: swearing (med), throwing things?, death (not main, not graphic, but mentioned), cm style issues, thats it i think???

Pairing: Spencer Reid X F!reader

words: 4.6K (shes big)

A/N: I keep making these soooo long, so, sorry. this one is a little darker than the rest but ends in fluff per usual and has a little bit of funny Emily and funny Garcia

*I do not own any CM characters

~~~~~~~~~~

Rule #2: Always offer comfort and support

Y/N ~

Spencer and I finally moved in together about a month after the last incident. And he was right, it was more efficient. 

“We gotta go, we gotta go, we gotta go!” I waited by our front door and Spencer ran around the apartment looking for his keys.

“I know I put them in the bowl”

“Spencer! I have keys, it's fine, let's go, lover boy!” He laughed and checked the ceramic bowl on the counter one last time before giving up. 

“Okay, one last check. Coffee?”

“Check” I held up the two large cups in my hands.

“Go bags, check” he held up both of our bags on his shoulders.

“And keys, ½ so, good enough” 

We arrived at the tarmac fifteen minutes earlier than usual...but still 10 minutes late. 

Spencer~

I took both of our bags and stashed them in the jet with the others before taking my seat beside Y/N on the couch. As per usual the first teasing began from Morgan when I sat down and he saw that my shirt was buttoned wrong and my hair was noticeably more disheveled than usual.

“Oooh, looks like a lover boy had a very good morning!” I glared at him as I rebuttoned my shirt and JJ immediately took action.

“Morgan, don’t make me put you in time out” He put his hands up in a mock defense.

“Im sorry mom!” Rossi laughed before handing me my paper file and Y/N her I-pad.

“Milwaukee again, they've got a child murderer.”   The once light mood from the teasing had gone away in an instant as we all opened up our files to see the pictures. 

“That's an annihilator” My first thought was to take Y/N's hand, offering a little support for her and comfort for myself through a small touch. She took my hand gladly and gave it a little squeeze. 

“An overly sadistic one too” Morgans brow furrowed as we continued to review the case but with perfect timing Garcia's face popped up on the screen. 

“I have a present for you” We all looked at her with puzzled expressions through the screen.

“Look under your seats!” she began with her best impression of a talk show host and we all fumbled about to find bedazzled gun holsters for each of us with all of our names in special large gems of our favorite colors. 

“Wow, thanks Garcia that's- that’s really thoughtful of you!” Emily tried and failed to contain her laughter as we all looked over to see Hotch replacing his leather belt holster with the bedazzled one from Garcia. He stood up to show her and got close to the camera.

“I’d say I look pretty badass.” He said it with a deadpan look on his face and then put his gun in it and sat back down without saying another word. JJ and Y/N looked at each other for a split second before bursting out in uncontrollable laughter. Like always, if one person on the team laughs, the rest of us can't help but join in. I always like to say it's because of Y/N. Her laugh is just one of those laughs that radiates all over and lights up a room.

Once we could breathe again we all thanked Garcia and she hung up with a big smile on her face. Now on to Milwaukee.

Y/N~ 

When we landed Hotch sent Spencer and I to the first crime scene together. Whenever possible on hard cases he likes to keep the two of us together because we work better that way. There is just something about the little touches during a hard case that keeps me going. And for this one, I was definitely going to need that. 

“Poor JJ” As we walked around the crime scene looking at all of the damage done Spencer and I talked through whatever came to mind.

“What do you mean?” I love him so much. But he's absolutely clueless.

“I mean, her and Hotch both. I can't imagine doing cases like this when you have a kid of your own back home. It must be terrifying” he nodded in silence before crouching down in the corner of the little boys room.

“Do you ever consider it?” I continued talking to him even though I know we are here to work. Sometimes that's my biggest flaw. I don't shut up easily.

“Consider what?”

“You know. Having baby geniuses one day?” I gave him a curious little smile as I waited for his response and continued writing little notes about the crime scene in my phone.

“Well i mean yeah, of course. But I'm not the one who'd be carrying them for 9 months am I?” I laughed at him and nodded before stopping altogether. 

“Them?” He gave me a mischievous smile back and said nothing.

“Fine then, keep your secrets”

We finished up at the crime scene and then headed back to the police station where the rest of the team was waiting for our report. Hotch and JJ look notably defeated and Rossi, Emily, and Derek just looked downright exhausted. Sometimes our work takes its toll rather quickly, especially when it's a very emotional case. Seeing a parent sob so horrifically after you give them the news is never easy. It's draining.

“So, what was the scene like?” Rossi spoke up from where he was standing in the corner.

“It was carnage. Absolute carnage” 

“How are the parents?” I looked at JJ who out of all of us definitely looked the most defeated.

“They’re acting like anyone else would. They’re distraught.” I grabbed Spencer's arm and held it tight as we talked about the profile. The more we talked the worse everyone looked. Garcia called mid profile and even her voice sounded exhausted. But we all knew that we wouldn't rest until we caught him.

Spencer~ 

None of us slept that night. None of us even left the precinct that night. A few times while we waited for more information or for someone to come in for an interview we would take turns napping on two chairs we wedged together to form a bed in the conference room. I tried that once, but I could barely fit my torso in them so I decided I would have better luck with the floor instead. 

“Spence, you want a snack?”

“They got pretzels?” I looked up from my napping position on the floor to look at Y/N when she stood over me with a few quarters in her hand. 

“Yeah, i'll be right back” She walked away for a moment and came back with two cups of coffee and two bags of pretzels. 

 She plopped both of them on my chest and crumbled to the floor beside me.

“Dinner is served” I chuckled and took a swig of coffee- overly sugared just how I like it- and then ate a single pretzel before Morgan came running into the room.

“A boy was just kidnapped” 

In a panic we all rushed up from our various positions and walked out into the main room of the precinct. I went straight for Hotch who was on the phone talking angrily.

“They put out an amber?” he blocked one end of the phone before turning to me.

“Not yet, get JJ on that please” I nodded and started to walk over to where JJ was napping.

“And Reid, get Y/N to talk to the parents, JJ’s done enough” I nodded solemnly.

We all have to do parent notifications and walkthroughs sometimes, but JJ does them the most. Every once in a while we make someone other than her do it to give her a well deserved break. Out of all of the things that we do, notifying the families is one of the hardest. 

“JJ, another boy has been taken, Hotch needs you to put out the amber.” I shook her shoulder and she woke quickly.

“Me? I should be with the family, have Garcia do it.” I looked her straight in the eyes and shook my head.

“We got this one, you deserve a break” she said nothing but got up from her chairs and walked over to the computer to start on the alert. 

“Y/N, baby, Hotch wants you with the families” she was still sitting on the floor where our coffees sat mostly untouched.

“Oh, um, okay, let's go then” I put a hand on her thigh.

“He wants me here. Will you be okay alone?”

“Oh. yeah, i'll be fine i have the keys anyways” She looked uneasy but neither of us had any choice in the matter. I gave her a chaste kiss on the top of her head and she grabbed my hand for just a second.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, i’ll be okay”

I subconsciously noticed the way she indirectly answered my question. It was her way of saying, no i’m not okay, but go do what you do. I kissed her hand in mine and walked out of the room going to help Derek and Hotch deliver the profile while the rest of the team was dispatched to separate locations. It's going to be a long night.

Y/N~

By the time I arrived at the families house it was nearing morning and the sun was starting to rise. There were cops all around and in their house which I quickly told to go. Right now, being here is not going to do that boy any good. Only one stayed to guard outside of the house, and me, of course, being the current family liaison. One of the problems with being the liaison with the family of an abductee is that after you make the initial connection with them, you don't get to stop being their liaison until the unsub is caught. That meant hours of being by myself in their house hearing the mother and father cry over the loss of their child. That meant almost never sleeping, or eating. And worst of all, that meant being without Spencers comforting touch and encouragement.

“Hi, I’m Agent Y/L/N, I'm the FBI agent assigned to your family.” They were sitting on the couch in the living room, their son’s toys covering the coffee table in front of them. The mother was crying soundlessly, almost catatonic, the father on the other hand was silent. He bounced his knee relentlessly and had no tears on his face. 

“Would you mind if I ask you a few questions about Danny?” 

The mother stayed quiet but the father looked up from his hands to speak.

“Do you think my son’s dead?”

Danny's mother withdrew her hand from her husbands and covered her mouth as she let out a sob.

“At this point we don't know much. But, i’m not here to lie to you, if this is connected to the other abductions then more than likely, yes”

The father still didn't cry, but instead just nodded his head solemnly. 

I asked them all the questions I could. Where did Danny go to school? Is there anyone he liked to hang out with? Do you know anyone who would want to hurt Danny? Some of them were real questions that needed answers. But for the most part they were just to get a sense of the parents, and to make them feel a little less helpless. Spencer always says to me that the best thing you can do for these families sometimes is just to make them feel like they can help. Usually they cant, but sometimes taking their mind off of their own thoughts and focusing them can bring out little bits of information we never knew would be helpful. The morning came and went. I had a single orange and a cup of coffee that day. The night came and still, no news. I checked my phone constantly, even though I knew that my ringer was on. If they found Danny, alive or dead, I would be the first person they call. But until then, all I could do was wait. 

Spencer~

Throughout the entire day I felt worried and distracted. Not just because I knew that the inevitable was close, but because usually, the team works in pairs. I deny it all the time, but I always work better when there is someone else with me. Not necessarily working with me- because I prefer to work alone- but just there. Someone who will remind me to slow down and take a deep breath or just let me talk out loud to them even though I probably won't listen to a word they say. But here I was, standing in front of a map, all alone, getting more and more frustrated by the moment and having not a single one of my teammates to get me back on track.

“Hello?” I finally took out my phone and called Y/N to get an update. On her that is, not the case.

“Hey, it's me, i'm just calling to see how you're doing” she sighed and I could practically see her rubbing a hand on the back of her neck and adjusting her glasses like she always does when she's stressed.

“That bad huh?”

“Yeah, not great. How's the map coming”

“It's not” this time it was my turn to sign into the phone.

“The the rest of the team is all out doing recon so i'm at a bit of a loss here”

“Oh, I'm sorry. Look Spence, I really shouldn't be on the phone, so-”

“Oh yeah, no I get it, of course.” She hung up without a word of goodbye and let me feel somehow even more frustrated than when our conversation began. I know she didn't mean to be condescending. I know she's just as frustrated as I am. But that doesn’t help me at the moment. After about another hour of waiting the rest of the team (minus Y/N) walked back into the precinct with downtrodden faces. 

“We just found the body, kid”  Morgan walked over to me and then sat down in a chair at the conference table. My heart broke. For once I was glad I wasn't with them today. 

“Did you get a positive ID?” I turned to Rossi this time who stood next me looking at the map.

“Yeah. it's him” 

Y/N~

I sat wide awake on the couch as it neared midnight. My phone lit up in the dark room with a call from Hotch.

“What's the news?” 

“We just got a positive ID on Danny's body” I was silent.

“After you inform the parents I need you back at the precinct” I was shocked. 

“Hotch, they still are going to need a liaison, my work isn't done yet”

“Y/N, their child is dead. There is nothing more that you can do for them” 

“Fine, i'll be back as soon as I can” I hung up the phone angrily and gingerly knocked on the bedroom door, knowing that this moment would alter their lives forever.

I opened up the door to the conference room to find everyone sitting in chairs around the table. They all gave me sympathetic looks and Spencer tried to reach his arm out to me which I denied. I’m a profiler, I know what healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms look like. I know that pulling away from anyone and everyone is not a good coping mechanism, but none of them were there with me. None of them saw the look of terror on his mother's face when I knocked on her door in the middle of the night. None of them heard her screams or saw her crumple to the ground in her son's room, holding his pillow like it was all that was keeping her anchored.  

I sat down on a chair in the corner of the room as we went through the profile and barely said a word. I saw Spencer looking back at me worried a few times while we gave the profile to the police and again as I went back into the corner of the conference room, still pulling away when he tried to grab my arm. Once everyone had gone back to researching or calling or going door to door, Spencer walked over to my chair in the corner. He put his hands on the arms of the chair and squatted down directly in front of me. Still being careful not to touch me, he tried to look me in the eyes but I averted them. 

“Y/N, you should go to the hotel”

“Are you going to the hotel?”

“No but-”

“Don't tell me that I need it more than you. Or that I've had a harder time than you! We are all struggling, we all need sleep! I can handle this Spencer!”  He flinched a little when I started to raise my voice but still stayed in his position. Hotch and Rossi upon hearing me raise my voice walked back into the room and over to Spencer. 

“Y/N, Spencer's right, you need to get some sleep.” 

“Is that an order?” Hotch paused for a moment and looked at Rossi who nodded.

“Yes, i'll see you in the morning” I clenched my jaw and Spencer quickly moved out of the way to let me get out of the chair, but not before taking a firm hold of my arm.

“This is a good thing, don't be mad at us for trying to help you” I took my eyes off of the floor to glare at him.

“Spencer, if you value our relationship or your hand, let go of my arm and stop with your condescending bullshit”

Spencer~

After she left I think it's fair to say that my mood did not improve. My frustration about the case turned into overall frustration with myself and everyone who happened to be around me at the time. I stood in front of the map without moving for hours just looking and going through all different theories in my mind. I was no longer alone but at this point that didn't matter. 

“Hey Spence, do you want any coffee?” JJ approached me cautiously and I silently shook my head. 

“Okay, well, uh, let me know if you need anything” she walked away to the hall just outside of the conference room where Morgan and Emily were standing. I could hear Emily talk to her through the glass doors that separated us.

“So?” Emily probed JJ as soon as the doors closed behind her.

“No good, didn't even speak” 

“I'm worried about him'' There was a hum of agreement between the three of them before Emily opened the doors and walked in. she approached me with less caution than JJ, but still with a little apprehension.

“Hey there, Spencer, do you need any help?” i didn't speak a word or even shake my head this time.

“You know I'm pretty good at mapping it so it happens. I could also help with a key if you want? Or alternatively you could just talk to me? Or look at me? No? Okay, well i'm going go get myself a cup of coffee from the diner down the street, if you decide to speak let me know” 

She asked me question after question and still I didn’t speak or move. Finally after staying for a moment of hostile silence she walked out of the room to where JJ and Derek were waiting. 

“So?” This time JJ asked Emily

“I asked him like five questions and he didn't even try and correct my grammar.”

 They all paused in silence for a moment before Emily turned to Derek.

“Alright Morgan, your turn, good luck” she patted him on the back and he sighed before walking into the room even more hesitantly than JJ was the first time.

“Hey Reid, you know, we’re all here for you if you-”

I turned around very slowly with a deadpan stare.

“Morgan, as politely as I can say this, if you and the rest of the team don’t leave me the fuck alone then I am going to take all 187 points of my IQ and shove them, up your-”

“Woah, woah,woah, okay pretty boy, I get the message” 

He turned and walked briskly out of the room. I turned back to my board but could hear JJ talking still from the hall.

“I'm worried, I've never seen him like this.”

“The only times he's ever been this frustrated we all know who got him out of it.” Emily stated and turned to Derek.

“I’ll see what I can do. Hey Rossi, let's take a drive”

Y/N~

I had slept for a few hours but the nightmares woke me up. It was morning now, so at least I know I got a little bit of sleep. I took a shower, got dressed, and sat on the edge of my bed, not quite ready to face the repercussions of what happened last night. I put my head in my hands as I remembered last nights events. I fucked up. Bad. After a few minutes I heard a knock on my hotel room door and got up from the bed to answer it. Rossi and Derek stood there with hands on their hips and worried looks on their faces.

“Can we come in?”

“Um, sure?” He said it as they had already walked in the room and I went back to sitting on the edge of my bed as they stood in front of me. Derek was the first to break the silence and he tore me away from where I was looking as I fiddled with my hands.

“Look, Pretty boy is in a bad place and you're the only one we know can get him out of it. If we want to catch this guy we need him, and to get him back on track we need you” he stopped and sighed. 

“Well, I have been ordered to stay here, so I guess you'll have to talk to our supervisor about that” Rossi grimaced as I said it and pointed to him. He put his head down for a second and then took a seat on the bed next to me. 

“Look kid, you were in a horrible place and I know that you know that. If you want to stop feeling helpless, If you want to get that boy the justice that he deserves, then we need your help. Spencer needs your help. You are the only person in the world that could help him right now, so I need you to suck up your pride, and come with us.” 

I gulped and sighed before standing from the bed. 

“Fine. But you both owe me a drink” They laughed and opened the door for me as we left the hotel. 

When the three of us arrived at the precinct and walked into the main area by the vending machines we saw a group of officers crowding around the hallway to the conference room. I walked right up to JJ and Emily who were making their way through the crowd towards me. JJ was the first to speak over the low murmur of the people crowding the hallway.

“Hey, thank god you're here!” She sounded so relieved you would have thought I’d saved her life.

“Um thanks? What's going on?” After I spoke I heard a loud thud and a crash coming from inside the conference room and a few people backed up from the windows. Emily got really close to me as she spoke.

“Um, Spencer’s...throwing things” I cocked my head to the side and was about to ask what she meant when another object, a book i think, hit the window in front of me.

“Holy, shit” I said with conviction and without another word walked to the front of the crowd and opened the glass doors. 

Spencer was facing away from me, but still throwing markers, and wherever he could get his hands on, at the window. Finally as he heard me approaching he stopped throwing things and put both of his palms to his forehead. As I got closer I could hear his heavy breathing and see the damage he had done. When I finally got close enough to his back I put one hand on his shoulder and the other on his arm gently. He flinched a little but didn't move away or try to get me off of him. I got on my tiptoes to whisper quietly into his ear.

“Spence, I love you and I'm sorry, but I need you to calm down right now because the team needs you. okay?” I kept my hands on him and heard him gulp in between his heavy breaths. After a minute his breathing started to slow a little.

“Good. I'm going to go get you a glass of water and i’ll be back in just a second” I took my hands off him and walked over to the door where JJ and Rossi were standing guard.

“JJ could you get me a glass of water?”

“Of course”

“Rossi, can you make everyone get away from the hallway and the window, there's too many people, I wont be able to get him to calm down if his senses are in a constant overdrive from the sounds” He nodded quickly as JJ came back with a glass of water in her hand. I took it from her and walked back into the room with Spencer as Rossi-with help from Hotch- started to disperse the crowd.

“Here, drink this” I guided him to a chair and he sat down to drink the glass. After a few sips I put my hand on his back and leaned forward so he could see my face fully.

“Okay, now I need you to tell me everything you know”

Spencer~ 

After a few minutes of drinking water I began to tell her about everything I knew for the location. At some point while we were talking I figured out where the unsub was and Morgan and Emily successfully got him and saved another young boy. As soon as he was processed we all decided that we wanted to leave as soon as possible, and not stay another second in that place. Even though it was the middle of the night Rossi was able to get the jet ready for us in an hour and we started the long flight home. 

I looked In front of me on the couch where Y/N was snuggled into my side and rolled onto my back so she could place her head on my chest. Her eyes were closed but her breathing told me that she was still awake and while she was I wanted to make sure she heard one last thing before this treacherous trip was over.

“I never said thank you” She turned her head on my chest so that she could look at me, but in the dark and quiet of the jet, it was clear she couldn't really see me anyways.

“For what?”

“For what you did back there, I never said thank you, so… thank you” She smiled widely at me but kept her eyes closed in the dark.

“Well, thank you. For not making me feel like I was helpless” she opened her eyes when she said it and it made me smile broadly. I kissed her head and turned back on my side so that I could pull her close to me. 

Rule #2, every little touch, every little word that she says brings me comfort whether she knows it, or not. I think that might have been the easiest rule to follow, after all, when you love someone just being around them is enough comfort.

~~~~~~~

Back.  Next

[breezles]

Really lengthy life story thing under the cut..a lot of negativity and just a big fat idk what to do anymore. But I got a bunch of cleaning supplies to deep clean the house tomorrow because nobody touches it in cleaning but me!!!! 

You know I am really tired of living with the people I do now. My mom, my dad, my brother(is okay in some ways lazy fuck in others) and my moms boyfriend. It’s a horrific combination because of so many different reasons. 

One being my Dad ALWAYS having something to say, muttering asshole things under his breath about everyone. Has anger issues, flips the fuck out if shit doesnt go his way, complains on everything that is or isnt. Yells all the time if he’s not stoned. Gives me emotional whiplash, and never was a “Dad” or “Father figure” in my life. Not contributing to household things, like the list can go on and on honestly. He’s an angry asshole all the time. A good example for the sake of this; “Did you put the clothes in the dryer yet?” and I respond “Not yet but I will” and it only being an hour since. “They’re going to smell like mildew now” or “Did you feed your cats yet?” and if I answer no because I have a specific time I feed them every day that he is clearly aware of, he goes “They’re starving, they’re meowing at the door, why do you even have them?? You dont even care.” He thinks they need food every time they meow and thats why they’ve gained weight after the fifty fucking times I tell him to leave the feeding to me so I can monitor how much and when they eat. (Not 5min later he literally asks me to go put the clothes in the dryer) He also comments about how shitty it is here, and how he wants to leave. Kudos bro go for it. (Also while typing this is when the laundry shit happened, and it’s been about 10min and he finally got up to do it himself because I wasn’t moving fast enough) Also aggressive and patronizing, only talks a certain way to me, and like a normal person to my brother or moms bf. 

Moms bf; Constantly stomping through the house huffing and grunting like a wounded animal, slamming doors or cabinets, making inhuman noises that sound gross and disturbing, because he has no sense that other people live here that don’t have doors or a room to sleep in. Has no consideration at all.. Constantly calls off work at least once a week because he doesn’t want to get up. I wonder how he’s not fired yet. He’s admitted that he has nothing to look forward to anymore, when he gets home from work so he sleeps for days on end, getting more and more lazy. Has anger issues also if Mom tries to get him up for work. Has thrown things before, not at anyone but in general. Also doesn’t do any household chores like cleaning, unless on the very rare occasion dog shit outside. (Same with dad on this) 

Mom; I love her, she has a lot of health issues to deal with that I have tried time and time again to help her with but she sleeps so so SO much that it’s pretty much negatively effecting her health when she should be more focused on maintaining her condition. Never calls to make appointments, avoids it, runs out of her medication then freaks out when she can’t get it because she has to make a follow up appointment for the doctor to represcribe it. She also has whiplash anger, always complains about something being eaten that she goes to eat, which over time has pretty much made me not eat anything in the house except for an occasional sandwich or quesadilla so I’m not to blame for it. (Sounds shitty doesnt it) Doesn’t clean anymore except when she feels like it, can’t remember the last time she made dinner. Hoards up in her room taking pain medication(thats not the prescribed ones) for her Neuralgia. I feel like her mental structure is also declining because she forgets a lot or gets confused easily. Suffers from, diabetes, no thyroid, high blood pressure, possible past stroke, and congestive heart failure and gum disease. Takes medication for all of it, but diet and activity are counter active. Someone with CHF won’t live very long unless they take good care of it Even then the life expectancy is less than 5 years. It keeps me up at night, and often cry because I have to prepare for Moms death at any point from here on. 

Brother; He’s not really here a lot of the time, in a sense he’s sort of lucky he has friends and a social life to get out of the house until he comes home to sleep for work at 12-3am at night. When he is home he doesn’t do anything but sit on his phone and bitch if I ask him to help me clean anything or need something. Forgets to pick me up from work all the time, forgets a lot if it doesn’t involve his friends or his car. Doesn’t do his own laundry and hasn’t cleaned his own room in over a year. Hasn’t washed dishes or taken the trash out or anything home/chore related in months to a year.  Thinks that his share of rent and utilities is all the help he needs to do. (which I am greateful for him helping me help the house financially because his job is a good one). I often tell him from the bottom of my heart everything that I think about, tell him about Mom, tell him it’ll only be me and him down the road for each other. In hopes it sombers him if only a little. I just wish he’d improve as a person in some places. 

Myself: I don’t do much myself, except for working as much as I can. Each night I get home I do a routine of taking care of the animals because Moms bf has stopped feeding the fish he said “were his” even though I maintain and keep the tank clean and running. Dad feeds the dogs, but I bathe them and walk them, brush them etc. Same with the rest of the pets. After they’re taken care of I clean the kitchen if its gross from everyone being in and out of it all day. Take the trash out because it gets piled and everyone thinks “Fuck it” After that I do laundry if needed, and then hop on my computer to do my usual browsing. I’ve started looking for a 2nd job because I can’t afford anything except the bare basics and it leaves me broke 20days out of a month. I’ve also figured out a financial plan to keep the bills paid and rent on time because Mom got us 1000 behind on rent and our utilities would get shut off now and again. We’ve been fine for 3months straight on everything now and have caught up and everyone now pays equal amounts for everything. (Now if I could only get everyone equally sharing housework,  but i’ve barked up that tree before)

In a few hours I plan to deep clean the entire house because it smells like body odor, dog and dirt and dog hair has accumulated since the weather is changing doggos are shedding so it’s a given. I also can’t remember the last time the house was thoroughly cleaned, and not just a tidy and wipe down so it’s due and I know nobody will want to help and think what I’m doing is stupid. But i’m just tired, im tired of feeling like im taking care of child adults, of living in so much negativity I want nothing more then place myself in my own home/apartment/studio whatever I can. I want to take care of myself and my cats. I want to be a functioning person not fighting depression. Everything has built up and piled and piled and I feel so worn down and defeated because I feel like I’m the only one who gives a shit and is trying to maintain some sense, but at the same time I just want to fucking quit. 

I’m afraid that if I leave, if ever, everything here will fall apart. Dogs won’t be cared for, the house will fall into further disseray, Mom won’t be properly cared for and die quicker than she is already. But I keep telling myself you can’t help those who wont help themselves, or dont want it. Just think about myself I say, get out of here build your own life in comfort and security and peace of mind. 

I financially cannot get anywhere in life, I’ve had to teach myself to be an adult from the age of 16 to be responsible, but no one ever taught me financial health. Or security or w/e. I dont know what I’m doing wrong, I dont know where to even begin, I dont know how to get out of here on my own anymore. I’m scared I’ll be stuck in this sickening environment. I dont know who to turn to, where to get to that takes my cats. Even if I found them homes, or placed them in foster care, I still can’t afford to live anywhere on my own because of my own bills. 

what the fuck all of this circulates in my head. I dont know what to do anymore or where to go or what to fucking research I just want help, but im scared I wont know how to take any help, because I’ve engrained in my fucking head that I need to do anything I can to earn the right for someones help that I cant have it unless I’ve earned it. 

I just want to cry, I dont know what to do..I just dont know anymore. I’ve lost touch with my sense of self, I don’t see friends anymore, the only people I see outside of home are the people I work with, I have no life except the one I keep for my pets here. Thats it.