#as always tho i do feel stupid and inadequate... bc almost everyone who is there is in great shape

[bunnihearted]

goddess the body feels sooo good after a workout 🫠

[neonstatic]

Ahh I can't sleep until I get this out of my system.

Sometimes I rly feel like I blew it. I have little desire for romance so I've never tried anything and don't feel like putting myself out there either. I'm almost certain I could live a very fulfilling life in total celibacy. I do fantasise abt romance tho, constantly, cus it's fun and it's free. But sometimes I'll find myself thinking abt the few opportunities that came my way... Most of it happened in the last five yrs. I've had a glow up of sorts: stopped hiding my body and started wearing clothes that actually fit me, found ways of expressing myself thru fashion, idk if my face changed or if I just realised that I'm cute actually? All those factors contributed to getting some attention and I'm not used to it and frankly, idk that I wanna do smth abt it. I've pretty much ran away from advances every time. And not bc I wasn't interested! Even when I could admit to myself that I did like this person in more than a strictly friendly way, I just came up w a bunch of reasons why it didn't matter and that it wouldn't work. And my feelings never felt that intense anyway. It's always, "Eh, I'll get over it." And then I did! For the most part.

But there's this girl... idk why she keeps crossing my mind. We met at a BIPOC sapphic event she organised and I already admired her for putting this together. She was beautiful and funny and smart, and I just found her so cool. And somehow, she thought much the same abt me! She said I was cute, she laughed at my jokes and she even found my awkwardness endearing. She didn't find me boring or off-putting, and knew how to keep the conversation going even when I went quiet. We definitely clicked. At the time, I didn't realise I was feeling romantically abt her. I didnt even know I was flirting. I was just familiar with the song and dance. (Turns out, my socialising looks a lot like flirting.) I was super caught off-guard when she asked me out on a date. I kinda felt like running off but I just smoothly rejected her and walked home w my friend.

"You don't even know me!" is what I wanted to say. What made her think I'm dating material? I don't see much when I look at myself and I realise it's bc I know myself way more and I'm my biggest critic, but even then... I wonder what ppl think when they look at me. What do they see? What do I make them feel?

At the event, I didn't mingle much w everyone else, was lowkey glued to my friend's side (who's way more extroverted) and I was just sipping a can and steadily getting tipsy... What tf did she see? And, will anyone else be able to see that again? I feel like she must've been real special to find me charming at my worst - i.e. me at a function. Absolutely rizzless, borderline pathetic. What if that was my one shot and I blew it? And when I meet God and whine abt being a loveless loser, He'll stare me down and say, "I sent you a baddie but you passed on her, stupid." What if I doomed myself bc I chickened out of a date w a pretty girl I definitely liked back in some ways? And how do I recover from the shame. It's been over two yrs, get over it, oh my gosh.

Bc truth is, if by some miracle, we reconnected and she asked me out again... I would not say yes. My ass is not ready for a relationship. I don't even feel like I'm made for it. I think I'm a good friend (but could always improve), an alright sibling, an alright child, an insignifiant cousin/grandchild/relative... I just feel fundamentally inadequate in relationships! Be it romantic or platonic or wtv. But where I agree that I do well as a friend, Idk that I'd be a worthwhile partner. Even tho romance is just friendship with extra parts. I could start kissing and sucking on a homie of my choosing and we'd be lovers, technically, no?

Do I not care abt romance that much or have I fooled myself into thinking so to spare my own feelings of inadequacy? Could be a mix of both. I want love and I want to experience it, but I don't care enough to look for it and I will run away from it. What a mess. What a fkg bummer.

Ah, maybe I rly did blow it. Or maybe I'm thinking too much.

Maybe I should sleep.