#as if i wasn't already anxious when i first tried for my license

[wosoluver]

To undo a mistake

Part 4/17 - previous - next

Lena x Bayern player!reader, Ana Guzmán x Bayern player!reader

Lena Oberdorf Masterlist

──✩₊⁺⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧──

That therapy session was... something. To say the least. Your eyes puffy once again.

We didn't talk much. I practically just dumped all my problems to her. But it felt good to get everything out, to someone who wouldn't judge you but also wasn't allowed to give too much of her opinion.

When you walked out, Ana wasn't there yet. So you just decided to sit and wait.

It took her around 10 minutes to show up.

"Hey. Have I made you wait for too long?"

"No, not at all. So do you want to go get some coffee? I'm out of practice today and you probably don't have many friends here yet."

"Your the one that looks like you could use a friend. Let's go. You drive, I don't have my license yet."

"First of all, ouch. Second of all, let's go. You'll be my passenger princess." - You said it excited.

Lena never really let you drive, you were always the passenger princess.

And you quickly tried to wisk the memory away.

You were both in comfortable silence in the car. Only the sound of Ana's music playing in the back. And yes you were forced to give her the rights to dj. Passenger princess' rule number 1.

You stop at your favorite place. It was never too crowded, which you were thankful for.

"I'll go order, what do you want?"

"Whatever your having, is fine."

After ordering and getting your coffees you go sit on a quiet corner.

"So, how are you adapting to Germany?"

"Oof- it's so fucking cold here. Not even in the coldest winters we get this temperature in Colombia."

"You'll get used to it after some time. A few jackets and coats and you're good."

"And you? Had a nice time in therapy?"

"Oh yeah. So much fun!" - you answered equally as ironic.

"I can tell by your puffy eyes.

I think today was my first time not crying in there."

"Must be hard. I've never had a bad injury. But it seems like the worse. Lena went through-" - you cut yourself off before you could say anything else. Your face dropped. Here you were again. Everything you think of, brought up Lena, one way or another.

"And Lena is-"

"My ex. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking when I said that."

"It's fine. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." - but then you proceeded to dump everything that had happened into the conversation. - "It's just, my head is still trying to wrap around everything. She already has a new girlfriend. And I'm still dealing with my feelings.

She broke up with me, over the phone can you believe that? I never felt so meaningless, so betrayed. Our five month relationship thrown into the trash. All of that, because Munich is too far from Wolfsburg for her taste."

"Wow, you had a lot to say for someone that didn't want to talk about it." - she said that hoping it would easy the anxious face you had going on. - "It's okay. Time works differently for different people. You have the right to mourn your relationship.

Is that what has been driving you down?"

"Yeah, I just wasn't ready to see her. I'm still in love with her. I mean was. After what happened Saturday, I think it might be time to except it's over."

"You still had feelings for her? Even after what she did?"

"Yeah. I guess I was just hopeful. I felt like in some way things weren't over yet. I just- It just didn't make sense. Lena is not that type of person. She would never do that."

"But she did. Look, if she meant to hurt you or not, you'll probably never know. Unless you talk to her."

"I am not going to talk to her."

"Then you'll have to settle for the unknown."

"I think I will. Can we talk about your feelings now? I've humiliated my self enough."

"Fine. You were right when you said I needed friends." - she let out a deep breath. - "When I first got injured. I was very hard on myself. Specially after hearing the diagnosis and that I'd have to go under surgery. I stressed my self over when I shouldn't have.

I pushed everyone away.

The hardest thing, when we are hurting, is to remember others are most likely going through something too."

"But that's kind of natural I guess. To be so into your own head you forget about others. It's just- there is such a thin line between being compassionate towards people and putting their needs and feelings before yours. To be honest I've never been good at navigating though it either."

"Yeah, I've been getting better about it I think. Therapy has helped me understand a lot of things. The most important of them, I think it was acceptance.

I feel so much better since I accepted that I have no control over this type of things. I couldn't change it even if I wanted to. I just have to go through it. And soon enough I'll be back playing once again."

"It's good to know your coming out better from this one. Sometimes things happen for a reason, and sometimes it's for the better"

"It's getting late, we should get going."

"Yeah. I'll give you a ride home."

For the rest of the day all you could think about was what you two had talked about.

Maybe you could use some acceptance yourself. Of how things were, and not what you think they should be.

And stop worrying so much about what you had no control over.

That's how it works when you live right? Life happens.

──✩₊⁺⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧──

Have you guys been wondering what's been like for Lena? Well next chapter is Lena's pov!

It's still an Obi fic I swear.

I think from this chapter on, it's finally going to be good writing. I wasn't liking how things the previous parts came out.

[vcnusians]

sorry i disappeared, i'm going through some serious shit right now. i don't wanna take up the dash but if you see this, please read it because i need all the advice i can get. this is a serious life or death thing. legal shit.

Saturday my boyfriend and I went to the beach, he had a beatbox and some captain morgan there but we left 3 hours later. we went to the mall for food and so i could use a restroom and when he was turning into a parking lot he made a little too wide a turn trying to avoid hitting the curb trying to turn in, and accidentally sideswiped a car that was in his blind spot, and the impact pushed him into another car that was turning out of the parking lot aisle. it was a really shitty situation but even I didn't see the first car on the right of us because i was looking to my right the whole time looking for a place to use the restroom. if i saw danger coming, i would've alerted him. i had to go use a restroom badly so i quickly got out of the car and found one, and i called him on the way so he knew i wasn't abandoning him or fleeing because he gets anxious and he was already scared to death. he wasn't answering his phone and i panicked thinking when i came back he'd be gone. thankfully his sister called me because she didn't know what was happening but he wasn't answering her calls either and she was worried, so i answered and told her what happened and i ran back through macy's and the whole shopping center and i panicked because several police cars were there blocking the whole entry, both parties were snapping pictures with their cell phones and he was sitting on the curb with his hands behind his back. then both parties involved in the accident left. they asked me questions and for my DL, but they didn't test me. and they didn't test anyone else involved in the collision. i told them what i experienced without lying and nothing i said could've gotten him in trouble. there was one cop who appeared to try and distract me from my boyfriend by asking me personal questions, how we met, where we both work, (how was that relevant? he didn't need to know) and i'm sure pumping me for info and dirt he could use against him and being a shark. i didn't take the bait and just "chit chatted" with irrelevant silly stupid things. then they made him take the field sobriety test... not giving him an option to consent or decline... and then they arrested him and took him in the cop car... and the look he gave me when they cuffed him was absolutely gut wrenching, it just broke my heart and i was doing so well keeping my cool no matter how fucking terrified i was but when he looked at me in tears and mouthed "i'm so sorry, i love you", i lost it and started crying.

but here's the thing. they refused to tell him his BAC which is deceptive and also wrong, and they did not test him again when they took him back to the station. they violated his rights by doing that, which can actually be in his favor because they didn't want evidence that he was okay so they could get away with charging him. but can they charge him for DUI with insufficient evidence? also it was pretty weird how both other parties in the accident weren't tested or questioned, they just snapped pics with their cell phones and left so quickly. nobody in the incident was injured. they separated us and wouldn't let us talk to each other, i tried to say something reassuring and a cop asked my name, barked at me and called me out harshly in front of everyone, 2 other guys came and tried to make me get off the curb when they took him in the cop car with handcuffs and when i walked by a cop blocked him so we couldn't make eye contact. i don't know if the guys were civilians or undercover cops but they made me go into starbucks and got me a water and left me there. today he called the DMV for an administration hearing to fight for his license and his mom found a lawyer this morning and made an appointment for them to talk to him at 2 p.m. but it's 5:20 and i haven't heard from him and i'm honestly freaking out but anyway.

i'm so nervous i'm sick to my stomach and i want to scream. i'm so, so afraid of him going to jail, i don't want to lose him but something tells me they're not gonna go easy on him and i've never been more scared of anything in my life. he's a good person, he's the sweetest soul with the biggest heart and he may have done something really stupid by driving drunk but he doesn't deserve this.

what chance does he have? we're in california. could the cops' failure to test him a second time be in his favor? does anyone have any information that could help?

[sadwentz]

choose your twin: atsumu miya

pairing: atsumu miya x reader

warnings: relationship issues and nsfw implied.

a/n: finally, the collab is out!!! thank you carrie for doing this with me I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE WRITING THIS GOD,,, bruh, this is my masterpiece, i love it sm KJAKSJJASKJ i hope y’all enjoy this!!!! i want to thank my wife who doesnt have tumblr for helping me w this,,, shes the loml and the BEST beta reader i could ask for... tHANK YOU BABY

word count: 2.1k

cyt taglist: @memetabolismm​​ @cuddly-bakugo​​ @wansseul​​ @kuroosbrat​​ @sneezefiction​​ @yusemis​​ @kimimarowo​​ @kairostatue​​

taglist:​ @fryingpanitachi​ @yams046​ @presmiic​ @sushij1ma​ @kingtamakimurder​ @dumbassbrigade​ @badboysdoitbetter2​ @cucktobirama​ @usobad​ @newfriendjen​ @hookedinto-fictionalworlds​ @sanguinekeigo​ @0ikawawa​ @smexygremenem​ @add1ctedtoan1m3​ @wxxnks​ @idiot-juice-enthusiast​ @faitans​ @sanemisthiccbih​ @starlitorchids​ @rureczka​ @ska9r​

WANT ANOTHER DATE? CLICK HERE

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀YOUR CURRENT PICK: ATSUMU MIYA

“i know you’re tired of dating apps for college students!” you growled at the comment, exhausted.

“and this isn't the typical matching you do to me when i am lonely?” you questioned, bokuto raised his eyebrows.

“shut up, y/n, you know what i mean.” rolling your eyes, you covered yourself with the biggest blanket in the bed.

“since i broke up with my ex, you and akaashi have tried to set me up too many times, i don't know what to believe anymore.” you groaned.

“y/n you know you are such a good girl, that’s why this guy it's the one.” he said confidently.

“you’re not allowed to call me good girl, you’re gross,” he gasped and you scoffed, “and how do you know that he is the one? are you… god?” 

he groaned loudly, “god, shut the fuck up, i’m right you’re wrong.”

“you always say that, and you are always mistaken.” you pouted at him and closed your eyes, drifting to sleep ignoring the rest of bokuto’s words.

…

osamu groaned, “yer’ such a pain in the ass, ‘tsumu.”

atsumu chuckled, looking at his body up and down on the large mirror he had on the back of the door of his room. the shirt he was wearing was kind of tight, showing clearly how his every day work-out performed wonders on his upper body. his gaze lowered to his pants, he wasn't sure if wearing those dirty ass sweatpants was the optimal choice, he didn't know if his date was as judgemental as he was, so changing pants was probably the best choice. on his way to his closet, he saw how osamu was scrolling quickly on his phone, paying zero attention to him.

“you’re not helping me today, whatcha’ doing there?” osamu looked at him with disgust, atsumu raised his eyebrows. “why are you looking at me like that?”

“you better not fuck this date up, ‘tsumu.”

“do you happen to know something i don't?”

“yeah, like always.” both glared at each other throwing silent knives.

atsumu finally dressed himself nicely, and osamu didn’t add any other snarky comment for the rest of the morning, letting atsumu breathe peacefully for a few hours. The time for the date was approaching very fast, the weight of his brother's words was making him more nervous every minute that passed by. osamu was supposed to drive him to the place he would meet up with the unknown girl, but he bailed at the last second making him walk there, while claiming that he was the better twin because he had a driver’s license.

his heart was pounding untypically, he was always amazed by how his good looks worked on the female population, but being lowkey threatened by his own brother about going on a date with a woman wasn’t something that always happened. osamu usually didn't care at all about his whole career he had created on his years of being a college student; dominating the feelings of women, wrapping them around his finger only to let them down at the end of the so-called ‘fling’, so his thoughts went to osamu and how he actually called him out about everything else.

people always thought the worst about him when he started a new fling, and usually people were right about it. atsumu had a bad history with women, they always expected more than he could give to them, so he acted like the asshole he was deep down and scared them away. so him agreeing to go on this blind date because his brother’s friend akaashi was involved, probably wasn't a good idea at all knowing akaashi and his friends.

while walking alone on the sidewalk, he was already feeling this date wasn't meant to be, as if he believed in something so foolish as destiny. the place he was set up for his blind date was a small coffee shop not so close to his shared apartment with osamu, but he could manage a thirty-minute walk by himself.

he sent a text to the number akaashi gave him, they weren't really that close, but osamu seemed to trust the guy a lot and at first sight, akaashi keiji looked like a good person overall, so atsumu could try and be nice for once, right?

a minute later, his phone vibrated.

strangerdanger: i’m already here!

atsumu groaned, he was already late.

…

you saw that the coffee shop had booths available as you entered the place, you thought about ordering your drink first, but that was kind of rude, so you decided to sit immediately on the booth that had the biggest window by it, just to have a clear sight of who entered and who was just passing by. 

you arrived ten minutes early, wanting to be there first before your date made an appearance. he shooted you a text five minutes before the hour that was set, saying he was arriving soon and asking where you were.

y/n: i’m already here!

mr. loml: nice, i’m one block away.

y/n: okay! i’m sitting in the booth next to the big window.

you shivered, mixed feelings of being excited and already hating how he arrived just in time. you didn't know what you could expect from this blind date set up by the one and only bokuto koutarou, he said nothing about your date but mentioned how keiji was friends with a guy who had a twin, so you anticipated that maybe the twin mentioned was going to show up to the blind date. you shrugged, well, this was the last time you followed bokuto and akaashi’s words without asking anything else, that blind trust you had in them sometimes did you more wrong than right.

your eyes scanned the sidewalk in front of the coffee shop, waiting and feeling slightly anxious for someone to cross the street and suddenly appear in front of you. fidgeting with your fingers, you decided to concentrate on other things to soothe your nerves, thinking about how the coffee from the shop was excellent and akaashi told you only good things about it.

“hola?”

“excuse me?” you turned your head slowly to the voice by your side.

“are you my date?”

your jaw dropped, this man was hot, like, really hot.

“yes? i don't know, i guess?” atsumu raised an eyebrow, “which twin are you?”

he scoffed, “the better one.”

“uhm, okay.” this was an awkward start, “let’s order our drinks?”

he told you his coffee order and sat in front of you at the other side of the booth as you stood up and walked to the cashier.

atsumu watched you walk away from the table, staring at your ass for a few seconds. observing how you interacted with the barista taking the orders, how you smiled and made cute gestures with your hands when you talked, which by the way, looked very soft.

after you came back with the drinks and handed him his order you felt a little relieved, maybe now you could actually have a normal conversation and forget about that strange first interaction, first impressions weren’t that important… right? 

you discovered that this guy was called ‘atsumu’ and he didn’t talk very fondly about his twin, ‘osamu’. he had dirty blond hair and an undercut that suited him very well, besides, you couldn’t help but look at his shirt, this dude crearly knew how to show off his body, it was a little tight so you could actually see his abs.

he caught you staring at his body and smirked. “do you like what you’re seeing?” your gaze snapped from his lower stomach to his face, you could feel your cheeks getting red and hot. “i’m joking, i know you like it.”

this was another thing that you learned while talking to him, he was a little bit of an asshole. he loved talking about himself and teasing other people.

“yeah sure, you wish.” what he didn’t know was that you could also be like that when you wanted to.

“wow” atsumu was surprised that he was actually having fun on a blind date.

“what?”

“women are not funny.” you stared at him, shocked, and then proceeded to stab his hand with your plastic fork.

“it was a joke!” he rubbed his injured hand.

you chuckled, atsumu could be annoying at times, but you found that kind of charming in a way.

atsumu talked and talked about his time spent in highschool playing volleyball and how his twin brother was the most annoying person on the planet but he loved him anyway. you found yourself staring at him with heart eyes while he ranted on bizarre moments of his life and described the fight he had with his brother about hair colors so other people could distinguish them from each other. you tried to imagine atsumu with grey hair to get a picture of osamu in your head, feeling kind of dumb.

“osamu seems nice, can i meet him?” atsumu’s face suddenly changed and he looked annoyed.

“why?”

“he sounds like the better looking twin.” he gasped and put a hand on his chest dramatically, feeling slightly offended.

“he was the one who set me up with you, so i don’t think you have a chance with him.” he crossed his arms, looking away.

“i just wanted to meet him, not date him.” you snickered, seeing how his face turned pink but his face changed immediately to a cocky smirk.

“oh, so, you want to date me?”

“dude, we are on date right now.”

“nah, sorry, i don’t do dating” that took you for surprise, you blinked dumbfoundedly.

“then why are you here?”

atsumu went on a rant about his love life, how people always expected a lot from him when he dated, wanting him to commit immediately to a relationship when he just wanted to have fun. so, that lowkey sparked a fear of commitment when it came to dating, that's why every time he met a girl he tried to be as clear as possible, stating that he didn’t want to have a full-on relationship with her, it was just a one night stand after all. but the girls, god, the girls seemed to have a fixation on him, every morning after a hook-up the girl would always ask him for a date or more than that, so he ended up being known as a heartbreaker and an asshole to the female population. the whole time you were looking at his huge arms and didn't understand a thing… oops.

“...that's rough, buddy.” you couldn’t think about anything else to say, you didn’t sign up to give therapy to a stranger.

“were you even listening to me?”

“i tried at the beginning, but it was lowkey deep so…” he stared at you, dumbfoundedly, “what i did catch was some stuff about fear of commitment, so listen, i won’t pressure you to anything, i just want to have fun too.” you shrugged.

atsumu was speechless, but he tried to recover immediately and catch you off guard. “well then, your place or my place?”  

“mine.” you didn’t even skip a beat, this was a game for two.

he was the one caught off guard.

...

he got pegged.

atsumu couldn’t believe it either, he just found himself on all fours on your bed, watching expectantly how you, well, did your thing behind him. he did everything in his power to not show how much he was enjoying the whole experience, but you knew by the way he was shuddering.

“you can shower if you want.” you said lazily from the bed. “there’s a clean towel behind the door.”

he nodded and silently walked to the bathroom, with mixed feelings flowing through his chest. he thought your shampoo smelled really nice as he cleaned himself in the shower.

he stepped out of the shower and dressed himself, when he came out of the bathroom you were already with your clothes on preparing yourself a sandwich on the kitchen counter.

without looking at him you said, “well, it was nice meeting you, please say thanks to osamu for setting us up.” he stood there and blinked, not sure about what to do next.

he tried to compose himself, only thinking of how he was getting kicked out, “i can’t do that, it would get to his head and he would never shut up about how great he is.” you chuckled.

“yeah sure, you know where the door is.” you patted his shoulder on your way back to the bedroom, disappearing after closing the door.

he stood there for a few seconds, then left.

…

blond twin: so, when are you free again?

y/n: huh?

blond twin: y’know, for a second date?

y/n: HUH? i thought you didn’t do dating

y/n: maybe you want to get pegged again?

blond twin: shut up

blond twin: so? time and place?

[pbandjesse]

Today was a pretty good day. But I woke up with some really bad anxiety. I first got up around 5:30 and try to fall back asleep. I was able to doze at least until around 6:30. But then I got up. I got dressed and I told James I just couldn't you in the house right now. I had to go and clean the old apartment. I was just dealing with too much stress and I couldn't wait till this afternoon.

So I biked to the old place. And I clean the fridge and I took out the rest of the trash. I just tried to do what I could to make myself feel better. I called James because I felt overwhelmed and he told me he would come back later in the day and finish cleaning and do a video walkthrough for me. That made me feel a bit better. Felt like I had some help. Please just spoke so dusty and I couldn't handle it. And I just needed help.

I called my dad and talk to him for a little. Told him a little bit more about the new place and the plan for coming to visit next week. And it was nice. I calmed down enough and I still have almost an hour until I really needed to be at the Museum.

So I decided to bike over to the new place. I looked around to the front and back of the building. Saw that there is a swing set over at the park that we're going to be across the street from. So that's exciting. I love swing set. And then I figured out the best way to get downtown.

And that was really easy actually. There's only one part where there's a little bit of a hill. But it's not a bad Hill and it was a pretty comfortable ride. I'm really excited to move. I'm hoping that maybe while I'm gone for a few days James will take some initiative and just do some of it. But we'll see. We both have pretty full schedules this week and then I go to the beach and I'm going to go see my parents and I'm glad we have the flexibility to kind of move as a process. But I also just desperately want to be over there and I'm packing and putting things away. I am so sick of all the little piles of stuff we have in this apartment. I just want to put it away.

I got down to the museum around 8:30. So I went to McDonald's and got breakfast. I ate it there. And took my time.

It was a really nice day though. I got to talk to some really interesting people. I only gave one actual tour but I went through the museum and would show people stuff and tell stories. I cleaned and organized the back office area. Help Kate bring some stuff up to the office is on the other side of the building. The ones I don't go up to very often. It was nice.

It was mostly very chill day. Around 1:30 ish I went over to Chipotle and got nachos. I came back and had half of them. I think I'm going to bring the other half to school tomorrow. And then at 2 I gave my one big tour of the day.

And man was it a doozy. I knew it was going to be emotional because of all the presidential comments about Baltimore yesterday. And I wasn't as emotional as I thought I was going to be I was angry. Because there was a couple on our tour who were tourists. And the guy could not stop interrupting to make disparaging comments about Baltimore. Overall it was a very good tour. I got to tell my stories and there was comments and questions and the tour lasted a little over an hour. I had this one young couple who is considering coming here for college and they were just so sweet. But that one guy interrupted me when I got into my reasons I love Baltimore part of my tour and he really upset me. Thankfully everyone else in the car kind of jumped on him when he said that Baltimore was the most crime ridden place in America. And I just looked at him and I said no. Here are the reasons you are wrong about the Baltimore Community. The reasons it's a good place. The reasons it has been disenfranchised and the ways that the community is trying to make it better. And by saying that horrible stuff about it it's not helping anything and it's just mean.

Thankfully I had some really nice people to talk to after the tour that had questions and positive things to say. And I got to gush about Baltimore then. Uninterrupted by negativity.

But because my Torrid of a little bit longer than I planned to have you had to wait to have her lunch. I feel bad about that. But you put me in charge of the register and I had not done that at the BMI yet. So it was scary. But it's the same POS system as over at ships so it was fine. I did have some trouble with the credit cards and had to hand type them in because I couldn't figure out how to use the scanner but I sold it and I sold two tickets on a t-shirt. Very proud of myself. I am now trained to work at the front desk.

I left there a little bit before 4. And man it was hot outside. I ended up liking back to the harbor but the sun was so bright I just wanted to go be inside somewhere so I went to Marshalls. I needed to buy jean shorts anyway.

As I was coming up the escalator there was a credit card at the top of the stairs. A man saw it and he reached down to pick it up and I said oh no that's not a good thing to lose. And then I look to the side and there's and insurance card and a driver's license. I was like oh no and then someone said I think that's her over there. So I went to go ask but it wasn't she just had similar hair. So we gave them to the security guard and hoped for the best.

While it was over looking at the clearance stuff I found the girl. And she had already gotten it from the security guard and she thanked me and it was great. I heard her on the phone on the other side the rack telling the person that I was a sweet lady who found her stuff and she basically lost her entire life somehow and felt very stupid was so happy that I found it and not somebody who was mean.

And I found my shorts. They fit me very well but they do have that weird holes distressing thing happening in it. So I think I'm going to put some colorful fabric underneath of it for like a cool effect. But they fit me so good I couldn't turn them down for $12.

I left there and biked home. I took kind of a funny way and was just kind of exploring. But I got back here around 5.

I put some stuff away. Water the plants because they all looked sad. I had a succulent clipping that had rooted, so I planted that. First time I've ever tried this. And then I took a bath. I put olive oil in my hair because my scalp is so dry and now I'm just kind of hanging out. James has a meeting that's supposed to be over at 7. So he'll probably be home soon. So I'm just eating crackers. Tomorrow I have a half day of camp. Because I have to go to my apartment walk through. I am so anxious over this. I hate it. I feel like the last apartment walkthrough I had went so simple and so easy just look around it was like a cool. And then even with the U-haul pick up the guy just looked at said okay cool and signed off. I'm hoping that this will be the same thing. We cleaned it looks great on video but it's probably still Dusty because everything's Dusty. So I'm just hoping that whoever from the maintenance company comes is nice. And doesn't make me feel horrible about everything because I already feel horrible and everything. And I hate that I have to leave work so early because then I have to leave the big kids halfway through stem. And that feels horrible. But I'm hoping that they can at least get started and it won't matter that I'm not there for the second the half of the afternoon. I should have made the appointment for 3 I don't know why I made it for 2. I think I just freaked out.

I still think it will be a nice day. It's the last week of camp and I am hoping it will be great. I hope you all have a great night. Sleep well. Be safe out there. Take care of each other. Try not to let all the small stuff get to you.

[hontou-baka]

I'm so frustrated! Are the default settings on men "gaslight" and "mom-ify"?

I don't have my driver's license. I fully admit I've fucked myself by not getting my license or a car by 23, but I can't change it, only work towards that goal (first goal with my new job is to get a car within like two months... Plus it was a way for me to stay reliant on my ex but that's not who we're talking about). I HATE being an inconvenience due to my inability to drive. So I'll only get rides for work, or maybe the store if there's something we really need. Because I know it's bothersome to drive me around, I try to be as small of a bother as possible. I don't get my boyfriend up in the morning til I absolutely have to; if I get up late, then that's on me! I only get a piece of bread to eat on the way, then (due to medical problems, I get excruciating pain if I skip breakfast particularly)! But the whole THREE DAYS he's had this part time job (with the plan being I'M GONNA BREADWIN with my full time one.......) he missed the first day by finally taking me to the ER for my kidney infection... I had already waited til it was a severe kidney infection due to his negligence in the past of ever taking my illness seriously, what was waiting til after his shift? But he was too anxious uwu poor baby needed a reason to not go to work!! Meanwhile I chose to not get hospitalized and continue treatment at home so I can make it to my best friend's funeral, speaking of he's been entirely unsympathetic to!! But anyways, he wakes me up every day to help him get ready (get him clothes (of which wouldn't be clean if I DIDN'T MAKE SURE LAUNDRY WAS DONE, make him breakfast and lunch, walk him to the door???) because it's just SO hard for POOR LITTLE BABY to make HIS OWN FUCKING SMOOTHIE :((( AND if I wasn't an evil temptress of warmth that made it hard to get up, he wouldn't be in this pickle anyways, huh? And he's definitely gonna throw a fit about me mentioning this since he takes me to work. I've brought up this one word to him so much lately he is getting so fed up: inconsiderate. He is insanely inconsiderate in everything he does, and flips on me and gaslights me every time I bring it up. I don't love him anymore. I hate him, and I'm stuck living with him and thus stuck loving him til I can gtfo (the real reason I insist on "breadwinning" rn, so I can save up and leave)

Oh and every time I mention getting my own car anyways (instead of buying the one he uses off his mom... For him???) he pouts about how I'm gonna leave him. He's aware, and it's not the only way he tries to keep me trapped in this relationship. He's keeping me overweight and comments on it during sex (despite my telling him I do NOT like being called chubby or anything like it!!) to keep my confidence low so I wouldn't leave or even turn to sex work when he sabotaged my other jobs repeatedly. He force feeds me the unhealthy food he's constantly making (we waste so much fucking grocery money on chips and stuff to make his tolerable safe foods (cookies, grilled cheeses... He's a five year old I hate it here)...) He seriously crams the food (usually cookies or it's dough) into my face when I say no yet tries to tear me down and I imply I just eat everything in sight, I'm "no better than him" (which I've also tried discussing!!!). Oh but I'm not allowed to comment on his diet because he has eating problems, so at least he's eating and not starving himself to death!!! HE'S A GROWN MAN I'M NOT GONNA CONGRATULATE HIM ON REFUSING TO WORK ON THOSE PROBLEMS??? He financially abuses me too hahahahaha I am a JOKE