#as if i wasn't already anxious when i first tried for my license

[hontou-baka]

I'm so frustrated! Are the default settings on men "gaslight" and "mom-ify"?

I don't have my driver's license. I fully admit I've fucked myself by not getting my license or a car by 23, but I can't change it, only work towards that goal (first goal with my new job is to get a car within like two months... Plus it was a way for me to stay reliant on my ex but that's not who we're talking about). I HATE being an inconvenience due to my inability to drive. So I'll only get rides for work, or maybe the store if there's something we really need. Because I know it's bothersome to drive me around, I try to be as small of a bother as possible. I don't get my boyfriend up in the morning til I absolutely have to; if I get up late, then that's on me! I only get a piece of bread to eat on the way, then (due to medical problems, I get excruciating pain if I skip breakfast particularly)! But the whole THREE DAYS he's had this part time job (with the plan being I'M GONNA BREADWIN with my full time one.......) he missed the first day by finally taking me to the ER for my kidney infection... I had already waited til it was a severe kidney infection due to his negligence in the past of ever taking my illness seriously, what was waiting til after his shift? But he was too anxious uwu poor baby needed a reason to not go to work!! Meanwhile I chose to not get hospitalized and continue treatment at home so I can make it to my best friend's funeral, speaking of he's been entirely unsympathetic to!! But anyways, he wakes me up every day to help him get ready (get him clothes (of which wouldn't be clean if I DIDN'T MAKE SURE LAUNDRY WAS DONE, make him breakfast and lunch, walk him to the door???) because it's just SO hard for POOR LITTLE BABY to make HIS OWN FUCKING SMOOTHIE :((( AND if I wasn't an evil temptress of warmth that made it hard to get up, he wouldn't be in this pickle anyways, huh? And he's definitely gonna throw a fit about me mentioning this since he takes me to work. I've brought up this one word to him so much lately he is getting so fed up: inconsiderate. He is insanely inconsiderate in everything he does, and flips on me and gaslights me every time I bring it up. I don't love him anymore. I hate him, and I'm stuck living with him and thus stuck loving him til I can gtfo (the real reason I insist on "breadwinning" rn, so I can save up and leave)

Oh and every time I mention getting my own car anyways (instead of buying the one he uses off his mom... For him???) he pouts about how I'm gonna leave him. He's aware, and it's not the only way he tries to keep me trapped in this relationship. He's keeping me overweight and comments on it during sex (despite my telling him I do NOT like being called chubby or anything like it!!) to keep my confidence low so I wouldn't leave or even turn to sex work when he sabotaged my other jobs repeatedly. He force feeds me the unhealthy food he's constantly making (we waste so much fucking grocery money on chips and stuff to make his tolerable safe foods (cookies, grilled cheeses... He's a five year old I hate it here)...) He seriously crams the food (usually cookies or it's dough) into my face when I say no yet tries to tear me down and I imply I just eat everything in sight, I'm "no better than him" (which I've also tried discussing!!!). Oh but I'm not allowed to comment on his diet because he has eating problems, so at least he's eating and not starving himself to death!!! HE'S A GROWN MAN I'M NOT GONNA CONGRATULATE HIM ON REFUSING TO WORK ON THOSE PROBLEMS??? He financially abuses me too hahahahaha I am a JOKE