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somedaypast-thesunset · 8 years

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lately ive been reciting journals in my head. or i guess i’m just talking to myself? but i’m in my head a lot; as if i’m writing it though. i dont know if thats any better.

i feel like i don’t care anymore. i really just dont care about anything at all. which is better than everything, i have to admit. being so overwhelmed by it is incredibly taxing on everything in my being and physical self. sometimes i think i could die within weeks, you know? but not like suicide - just.. something will happen. but i’ve always felt like i was waiting.

maybe that’s still anxiety too. that’s how i’ve described anxiety for most of my life because i didnt understand it. i just felt like i was waiting. constantly waiting. something is going to happen. my mind is very programmed. and maybe right now that base subconcious feeling of anxiety that cant be relieved by medication is whats eating at me.

sometimes it feels like living in flashbacks. sometimes i have them, but it’s just in my head. like i get this sudden memory of something i probably forgot for a reason and like.. i repressed a lot. i normalized a lot. and as i’ve developed into this person now and lived my experiences and met people of different backgrounds i realized this was not normal. and i struggled with this years ago living in oshawa and i coped by becoming a near total recluse. i had no friends in person for YEARS because i couldnt cope with the massive change and sudden realization that it wasnt normal. and i broke down a lot - it really drove me crazy and being isolated probably didnt help.

and i kind of repressed this too. like the whole relationship has become a very painful memory for me and the one following is even worse and i think those things are really telling in how i was able to normalize really bad things because i just didnt know.

i don’t really know now either. i think i have obsessive compulsive tendencies and am currently coping by watching an endless amount of documentaries. like i haven’t experienced enough, i dont know enough and i’m in such a perilous situation that i dont have the time or resources to invest to save myself right now. like the smartest thing i can do, i honest to god believe, is to admit i just don’t have it right now. it’s like learning to play guitar. you try try try try try but you’re not going to play van halen a week into picking up a guitar.

like i just want to keep learning and absorbing but rarely am i retaining much of it beyond a few days and it’s not useful enough to bring me anything. i try to focus on my very few current projects and i cannot believe it’s still going and i canot believe i managed to accomplish what i have at my worst. but i could do more, i have the time to do more but i’m not and it’s frustrating but it’s not there. i don’t know whats not there but something isnt there. i have a passion. maybe its the drive. i dont know. maybe im even more depressed than i thought.

i’m biding time. i’m repeating old habits; repeating family traditions. i watched my father bide time until he died. he just waited. he just sat there and literally waited to die. that’s totally nuts but i literally witnessed a human being just give upand sit and wait. just sit. and wait. for weeks, for months.

why am i doing this to myself? i dont know. i’m moderately healthy. my mind is killing me. my brain is killing me.

ive looked at him lately and wondered what im doing. i mean, i love him. i really love him. but i just wonder like.. what are we doing. we’re both so angry at life for the right reasons, to be honest. i feel like theres a certain nature vs nurture and i think naturally he connected with the world and had an understanding of things similar to the way i have had and even though he had a more priviledged life which has led to other unrelatable issues, i think we are very similiar at our base core. i know how he thinks. i think if he slowed down and had the ability to disconnect from himself for a longer period of time, he’d know how i thought too and would be able to predict things a lot better as well.

then sometimes in my romantic fantasy land i wonder if it could happen. could we just be together. live together. share a life together? as much as i want to romanticize it, i feel like the reality would not be so rose colored. i think we’d run into enough issues that this playful affair would no longer be fun. like i’m flawed and relatively useless in a lot of ways. i dont have a real income. i havent had a real job in years. like thats just the shitty fact of my life. and i’m not tryng to get down on myself or cry about this; i guess i get it now. it probably would be better for him to rent a room from a random on his own than live with me. he slipped the other day and said, “i dont want you dependent on my income”. i dont know if i would be - i’ve lived and existed without it for many months now. but it would be largely advantageous to my life and i dont know how its a benefit to him. it cant just alll be love. i dont bare his children. i come with baggage and no dowry. pill bottles and fucked up cats. a smoking habit i cant even afford but yet.. smoke everyday somehow. i’m kind of fucked, honestly. i think if i was on the other side i’d probably not live with me either.

ideally id like to be someone a person would find benefit sharing a life with though. i do have that desire. i dont know how to translate that desire or how to work towards it with my hundreds of obstacles but i’d like to figure it out and that’s something you do on your own, not while you’re sharing your life. if you have no independent life to share, what is there? just alot of taking. just a lot of living off someone else, i guess. i mean, i have money. but its not sustainable even on my own so it’s kind of paltry to offer it as anything meaningful to anyone else.

this doesnt take away from the fact that right now, it would be a fair trade off - if he willingly moved to my current place until the summer, my rent debt would be paid off and i’d have additional months to get better / recover and find additional income or atleast have the ability to move out without tarnishing my rental record and be somewhere small and affordable.he would be able to get away from his mother but stay within an established life he’s built, which is what he wants. i dont think he really wants to just move away somewhere on his own and only go to work. he could pay minimum rent and have maximum freedom until the summer which still lets him save some kind of money for whatever he chooses.

but how do you set that limitation in a romantic relationship? “we’ll move out seperately for whatever reason later”. sounds nice but i’ll probably cry like a bitch.

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