#ayyy i finally finished and im glad it's overk jdsklfjsd

[jenomark]

Part 4- Final

➔Pairing: Idol!Haechan x Reader (Female) ➔Other Members/ Characters: Johnny ➔Genre: Smut (with a plot!) ➔Warnings: Angst ➔Word count: 4,549

➔Summary: He’s an idol, a friend, and now you’re taking his virginity. Beginning your friends-with-benefits relationship with Haechan wasn’t the best idea, but you just can’t help yourself when it comes to him.

↞ Part 1 ↞ Part 2 ↞ Part 3 

  You couldn’t stop looking through the pictures. When you finished scrolling all the way through them, you started from the beginning. You tried to imagine what others would see when looking at them. Could the pictures be passed off as only a friendly exchange? You didn’t think so, but you were trying so hard to think of a way to save things. You held Johnny’s phone, as if it were a hostage in your hands, and your finger hovering over the SEND button, like it were a trigger. Your message just said: Why??, but you knew you’d never send it. The person on the other end didn’t care what you had to say. It was their business to make money off of the backs of others, to screw up as many lives as possible while trying to justify their actions. Someone had sent the pictures to Johnny through text. How they got a hold of his number, you didn’t know and didn’t ask. You looked at the unknown number, reading each number to yourself, but it didn’t matter which person sent it, just that someone was trying to away the one thing that mattered to you most in the world: Haechan.

  While you were sitting there contemplating every avenue, Haechan and Johnny were arguing in the background. Haechan was walking back and forth, addressing Johnny without honorifics, his voice too shaky to be confident. He was fighting for you, for the both of you. His points were messy, but they were being made. You should have joined, but you couldn’t seem to focus on anything but the future and how much it scared you. You could fight Haechan to be with him, but you didn’t think you were ready to fight the rest of the world.

  Johnny had sat down at your kitchen table, his arms resting on his knees. His voice was deep and colorful, a few shades darker than Haechan’s. You hadn’t spent much time with Johnny, but there was something about him that made you feel intimidated. Like a child would, you kept waiting for him to scold you for corrupting someone he considered a brother. He could be angry with Haechan all he wanted, but you were the real infiltrator. If it wasn’t for you, Johnny wouldn’t have found himself tangled up in your mess. 

  While Haechan was hysterical, Johnny was calm. You could hear the disappointment in Johnny’s voice poking through your trance. You asked yourself if you really cared what he thought of you. When you couldn’t come up with an answer, you got a good look at him. Johnny looked at Haechan like he adored him. You could tell that he would always be on Haechan’s side, but Haechan would refuse to see it that way. It would be hard for him not to feel like Johnny’s worry wasn’t a personal attack.

   Haechan took many things to his heart. He liked to pretend he didn’t have one, but that heart carried more love than it could handle. You looked at Haechan, his face stuck with the same terrified expression as when he first came.

  He arrived soon after you called him, which felt like a testament of how much he cared for you, and that he meant what he said the previous night. He didn’t knock, just ran up the stairs to your rescue, skipping two steps at a time. When he reached the top, you weren’t waiting for him. You were sitting across from Johnny, in silence. Before Haechan arrived, Johnny asked you if you knew what you were doing. He was polite, but there was an edge to his voice. You knew he wanted to curse you out, to make sure you knew he wasn’t happy with you. You weren’t using your brain, truthfully. You were using other parts of your body until those were used up, and then, lastly, you used your heart. You were still using your heart when Haechan entered the room. You could feel the tug in your chest when his eyes met yours. He had wanted to hug you and kiss you, but he decided to stand as far away from you as possible.

“This is my life,” Haechan said, his voice getting higher. “I don’t care what anyone has to say about how I live it. If I have to face the consequences, I will. Happily. ”

“It’s not just your life,” Johnny said. “You have twenty other people attached to what you do. Your consequences become our consequences. I wish it weren’t like that, Haechan, but it is.”

“Stop yelling.” you said.

 You weren’t aware they weren’t yelling anymore. You looked up to see both Haechan and Johnny looking at you. Neither had paid attention to you since they started talking about the scandal. You were just another piece of furniture in the room, another box full of junk.

“I hate this.” you said.

  You erased the unsent message and placed Johnny’s phone on the couch cushion next to you. Somehow, you had found your way to the couch, but you didn’t remember how, or when. You were moving through life feeling as if your body and mind were separated. With both boys attention on you, you felt too seen, too spread out . You stood and paced around the room until you found yourself beside Haechan, your arm brushing against his. 

 “It was stupid,” Johnny said. “You both know that.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t care.” Haechan said.

“Please,” you interjected. “Please, stop. This isn’t solving anything. Haechan and I are both adults. We entered a relationship knowing what we were doing. We didn’t need permission from anyone. “

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell Johnny.” Haechan said.

Johnny lowered his head. “Your relationship can’t happen. We can save this. We’ll tell them that you were just going on a date and that will be it. It didn’t work out. You decided you weren’t ready for a relationship. They can have the full press release, if they want. They’ll paint a nicer picture if you let them have control. As long as they don’t release all the pictures from last night, it will be fine.”

“A date back to his dorm?” you asked. “We were all over each other in those pictures. They’re not going to believe that story. They’ll want more. They’ll keep wanting more.”

“Not everything is how it appears,” Johnny said. “Everyone will deduce what they want.”

“We fucked on his bed,” you said. “We almost fucked on yours, too.”

“Baby.” Haechan warned.

 Johnny looked at Haechan like he was going to kill him. It was a low blow, you knew, but you felt helpless. You didn’t like lying, you didn’t want to pretend you didn’t like Haechan any longer, and you weren’t ready to let him go. The apologetic look on your face should have been enough to tame Johnny, but he stood up and groaned.

“I’m sorry,” you said. “Johnny, all the times I’ve met you, I’ve always liked you. You have a good head on your shoulders. I trust you. I know Haechan does, too, but I think this is where we have to stop listening to other people and start listening to ourselves. I don’t feel comfortable giving those assholes any piece of my life.”

  Johnny shook his head. “And if it affects his career? What then? If you don’t care about his brothers, care about him.”

“Johnny,” Haechan said. “Don’t speak to her like that.”

  The anger dripping from Haechan’s voice made your head snap right. He reached for your hand and held it, his fingers clasping tightly around yours. Haechan stood firm, his chin jutted outwards, and his chest puffed out in a display of bravery. He looked silly standing up to someone so much bigger than him, but your heart swelled with pride.

“I’m sorry,” Johnny apologized.” This situation is fucked up. I’m stressed out. It will look bad if it’s done any other way. If you tell them to fuck off, those pictures will be released. Whether you like it or not, they’ll hold this over your heads for a long time, and it will all be perfectly legal.”

  Johnny sat back down. Haechan’s grip on your hand relaxed a little. The three of you were in complete silence for a few moments, each thinking of what conclusion seemed to fit best. When neither man spoke, you licked your dry lips and tried to take your best shot at making a logical choice.

“What if we just came clean about everything?” you said. “ On our own terms, I mean. Haechan could release his own statement through the company. Would that be too crazy at this stage of his career?”

“Yes.” Johnny said.

“Yes.” Haechan agreed.

“But that’s the only sane alternative,” you said. “Pretending we’re nothing won’t make people back down. We’re not breaking up. We’ll never be able to step foot publicly again, not even for late night walks to see each other. I refuse to live like that, Donghyuck. If the pictures will come out anyway, we might as well be truthful about them. Unless you want to break up with me right here, right now, what choice do we have? "

“They don’t know everything,” Haechan said. “They can’t threaten us.”

“We don’t know how much they know,” Johnny said. He looked at you, his face warm and inviting. “Knowing them, they’ll have your whole background by now. The world will want to know who you are, what you do, why he chose you. You’ll be compared to other people and ripped to shreds, all because you didn’t give them the story first. They’ll start to question every intimate part of your relationship and will actively try to destroy it. Are you ready for that? Are you ready for people you thought were your friends to sell your secrets? Haechan, are you ready for people to turn on you?”

“Maybe they won’t,” Haechan said. “Our fans love us. They love me. They’ll understand. ”

“Haechan, your optimism can’t save everything, “ Johnny said. “ As much as our fans wish us the best, there are people out there who do not. We can’t forget that.”

“I know.” Haechan said.

  You used your free hand to rub your face. You should have woken up today feeling happiness, from your head to the tips of your toes. You looked over at Haechan. He looked younger when he was stressed, his cheeks full, and his eyes puffy. Feeling your gaze, he looked over and gave you a tight smile. That smile could keep you holding on for a long time, you realized. When you both turned your attention back to Johnny, for the first time, you could see him trying to understand what the two of you were doing together. His sympathetic gaze was real, and it kept you clinging to tiny shards of hope.

“Help me understand,” Johnny said. “I knew something was going on when you didn’t go on the date, Haechan. She was perfectly your type. I thought there was someone else, a little crush you weren’t telling me about, but I didn’t think it was her. When I saw you together last night, I knew trouble was coming.”

“Trouble?” you asked, the word slipping from your mouth like a swear word. 

“I love her,” Haechan said. “It wasn’t supposed to happen, but you know me, I never do what I’m supposed to do.”

“And you would risk it all, Haechan?” Johnny asked. “For her?”

“Stop talking about me like I’m not here,” you said. “For fucks sake.”

“Yes,” Haechan answered, his words coinciding with your own.

“I wouldn’t let him do that,” you said. “Believe or not, his career is important to me. I do care about all of you, too. I don’t want any negative press, especially any that is caused by me.”

“That wouldn’t be your choice.” Haechan said.

Johnny laughed. There was no humor, only emptiness. “If you say that you’re not dating exclusively, and that you broke up, you might avoid all of that. Look at other couples who have done it. ”

“Yeah?” you asked. “Do you think any of them are happy?”

“Do you think you will be happy once you lose your job?” Johnny asked.” Last I heard, fucking a fellow employee isn’t exactly appropriate. Losing your job would be kinder than everything else that’s at stake. For all of us.”

"All I want is to be happy,” you whispered. “Why is that so bad, Johnny?”

“It’s selfish.” Johnny said. 

 Haechan let go of your hand. Everything happened in a flash. He moved across the room and kicked down the boxes that were stacked. Releasing his anger on the cardboard didn’t help, so he started punching your wall. The screams that came out of his mouth were desperate and raw. You ran to him, tears in your eyes, your hands reaching out for him the moment he stopped. He let you hold his bruised knuckles in your hand. Johnny hovered behind you, his eyes assessing the damage. You cupped Haechan’s sweaty face and kissed the tip of his red nose.

“He has to get that checked out,” Johnny said. He checked his watch and cursed under his breath. “Fuck. We have to go. We’re late for our schedule. We’ll talk about this later.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Haechan said.  “I’m staying right here until this is solved.”

“Haechan.” Johnny said, the authority in his voice not fazing Haechan one bit.

You turned to Johnny. “Get out. I mean, give us a moment, please.”

  Reluctantly, Johnny left your apartment. You waited until his heavy footsteps were down your stairs until you kissed Haechan. You ran your fingers through his hair, resting your hand on the back of his neck. You tried looking into his eyes, but they were glossy and unfocused. 

“You have to go,” you said. “Treat your hand, go to your schedule, and I will talk to you later. We don’t have to make a decision right now. We have a little time.”

“No.”

“Haechan, please.”

“No.”

  You breathed deeply. When you exhaled, Haechan’s lips were on yours. He pushed you against the same wall he had punched. You accepted his love and held him in your arms, your fingers roaming up his sweaty back. He cried, his body shaking with sobs. You kept trying to calm him down with kisses, with strokes, and with soft words, but nothing worked. He let himself go, crying out everything in one long breath.  When he was done, he rested his forehead on your shoulder, his body exhausted. You had never witnessed him cry like that, and it scared you more than anything.

“No.” Haechan said one last time.

  In the beginning of your relationship, sometime in the first two weeks, you and Haechan used to talk about what would happen if you were ever caught. Once, you came close to it when Renjun walked into a room unannounced. You and Haechan were making out, your hands getting well acquainted with each other's bodies. You were planning on getting down on your knees and sucking the life out of him, when Renjun walked in and saw both of you. Haechan pulled away from you in a flash, turning around to address Renjun and blocking you from view as best as he could. You stood in place, your lips swollen from his kiss, and your t-shirt stuck underneath the wire of your bra. It all happened so quickly that you didn’t have time to cover yourself. You thought it was all over then, that you would have to give him up, but Haechan saved the day.

“This isn't the dance practice room.” Haechan said casually.

  He threw his arm around Renjun and guided him out of the room. Neither man looked back at you, and according to Haechan, Renjun never asked what the two of you were doing in the room. It was easy for Haechan to believe in his friends stupidity, but you knew what kind of person Renjun was. He was too intelligent not to know what was going on. Renjun ignoring what was going on was a choice.

  So, when you had the conversation about what would happen if people found out, Haechan again, found it easy to believe in the best outcome. In the beginning, you found his optimism endearing. As you had gotten to know him, the way he took nothing seriously infuriated you. 

“No one will ever find out,” he had said. “I’m invincible. “

 Getting to know him even better meant knowing Haechan’s cockiness about the possibility of being caught was fake. Deep down, Haechan was nervous about his members, his friends and fans finding out. He disappeared for too long at times, he always smelled like your perfume when he came home, and he was beginning to divert every strain of his attention in your direction. It was amazing that no one called him out for months, and that it took a team of strangers to do it first. 

  There was never any plan in place because you thought you never needed one. Haechan had convinced you of that over time, or maybe you were just blinded by love so deeply that you forgot about the repercussions. Or, like Renjun, maybe it was your choice. You liked him so much that you didn’t care if someone caught you or not. 

  If it were up to you and only you, you would give the world the truth. You would publish the pictures yourself, complete with a statement about how things were going to progress. You would not be afraid to live your life. Haechan would not be bullied into leaving the group, and he would not cower under pressure from the public, or the media. Although it was easy for you to come to this awareness, it was much harder when you weren’t the public figure in question. You could easily scrape by, maybe deal with a little bullying about your past pictures on social media, your weight, and strangers questioning your intentions towards their idol boyfriend. You could tune it all out and live in bliss. It was Haechan who would feel most of the blow back, and when you thought about how much you truly did care for him, you didn’t want him to go through all that.

   After Johnny and Haechan left, you laid on your bed and thought about the smartest decision. You considered calling Renjun and asking his advice, but you weren’t comfortable with dragging more people into the mix. Instead, your anxiety was making up story lines that didn’t exist in your timeline. You felt guilty for bringing him into your life, for wanting him so badly that you couldn’t keep your hands to yourself. You even entertained the idea of breaking up with him for his benefit. You didn’t mean it, and it wouldn’t be easy to hurt yourself again, but you could save Haechan and the twenty other men standing behind him.

  You pulled out your phone and tried texting Haechan, but he didn’t answer. You didn’t like not knowing what was going on. After he got his hand checked out, he sent you a picture of his bandaged fingers followed by a quick ‘I love you’. That was the last thing you heard from him. During schedules, you expected him to be busy, but time seemed so precious when an answer was needed before sundown. 

  You looked at your phone and counted down the hours until it was time to give an answer. You opened up your messages again and willed him to text you, to tell you which path he was going to choose. Around 4 p.m., Haechan finally texted:

Haechan: My hand really hurts.

You: Where have you been? I’ve been worried. Please talk to me.

Haechan: I’ll talk to you soon. I have to take care of some things first. I love you. 

  Haechan avoiding your pleas made you feel worse inside. You dropped your phone down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. You thought about if you were worth it or not. Maybe Haechan was deciding that you weren’t, and that’s why he couldn’t get back to you with an answer. If ghosting you was kinder, you couldn't blame him for it. The self-pity was pulling you to sleep, its sweltering hot arms crushing your ribs. You had nightmares about wandering the streets of the city, camera flashes blinding you, and hands pulling at your clothes. You called out Haechan’s name, but you couldn’t find him. You kept running and running through the throng of people, your hair flying in all directions, your body feeling like it was being torn apart. You woke up in a pool of your own sweat, your bedroom dark, and the only source of light coming from the street lamp outside. You checked your phone to see one new message.

Haechan: It’s over.

  You stared at the message so long that the screen went black. You felt like you were going to be sick, felt like his words were a fist being shoved down your throat, ready to rip out your insides through your mouth. It’s over. You expected the break-up message, expected him to make the best choice for himself. You did not expect that you would feel completely broken inside by it. Before you could message him back, another message came through:

Haechan: I’ve never been more scared in my life.

  You were getting ready to reply to his message, with all of your heart and tears, when you heard your front door open and the sound of the city curling itself up on your doormat. You sat up in bed and felt the hammering in your chest quicken, felt your mouth go dry. You heard his voice first, its high lilt drawing you in. 

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” he called out. “I’m not sure my hand can take another beating. I’m not sure my heart can either.”

  You got out of bed and ran out into your living room. Haechan had finally reached the top of your stairs. He was wearing one of his stage outfits underneath his jacket, having come right over after a performance. With a wave of his bandaged hand, he let out a little chuckle. You were confused, lost, and ready to cry.

“I think a part of me will always be so scared,” he said. “But I know you’re here with me. ”

  Haechan touched his hand to his chest. The way he moved his hand made him wince in pain. You watched him look down at his feet and shake his head slowly. You knew he was having a moment to himself, a little sliver of time where he was willing the world to stop so that he could figure out which words to use.

“I know that everything is going to be okay.” he whispered.

 Without meaning to ruin the moment, you looked at the clock. The deadline had come and gone, time having slipped away from you once more. Which decision did you make? Haechan followed your eyes and sighed. Looking back at him, you were surprised to see him smiling genuinely. Your eyes traced his teeth, the fullness of his lips. 

“Can I tell you something?” he asked.  “Every time I try to think of a different outcome, of things I would differently, I realize I don’t care. It’s always just been me and you, and I think it will be me and you for a long time.”

  You walked into his arms, your body sinking into his like quicksand. Haechan kept his arms by his side and let you hold him, his nose breathing in your scent as if he were afraid he’d forget your smell. In the darkness of the apartment, it felt like the outside world did not exist. You pushed it away, pushed it back so far that its eyes couldn’t see either of you. There was no one waiting for you to respond, no hurt feelings, and no secrets. For the night, you were free. You held Haechan for awhile, basking in the quiet, your fingers moving up and down his spine.

“Tomorrow,” Haechan whispered, his lips by your ear. “The whole world will know about us.”

 You pulled away and looked into his eyes. You needed to know if the decision he made was solely his. Haechan’s face gave away nothing, but the way his body was closed up with fear told you what you needed to know. You took his arms and wrapped them around your waist. You kissed his lips, pushing past them until you were inside of his mouth.

“Ahh,” Haechan said, his familiar cockiness briefly returning. “You can’t resist me.”

You laughed lightly. “ Can anyone? ”

“No,” he said, pleased with himself. “I don’t think they can.”

  As if he were exhausted of holding it together all of the time, in the privacy of your space, Haechan let his shoulders roll back. The muscles in his face relaxed to reveal his boyish looks, and he allowed his hands to shake with fear, if that’s what they needed to do. He hung his head, let any tears race down his cheeks. You wanted to wipe them away and hear him talk about what happened, but he deserved to go through the motions. You would be there for him every step of the way. 

“Do you want to know everything that happened? Haechan asked. He wiped his nose and sniffled. 

“That conversation is for tomorrow,” you said. “All I need to know is that you’re happy.”

“I am,” he said,” I am happy now.”

 Haechan took your hand and pulled you in the direction of your bedroom. Not for sex and not for talking. You laid down with him in the dark, your bodies next to each other, and your hearts beating in succession. As the clock ticked past midnight, Haechan reached for your arm to drape over his body. You held him more tightly than you had ever held him before. You kissed the back of his neck and smiled when he pulled away because it tickled. Listening to the sounds of him eventually falling asleep made you feel at peace. You only hoped his dreams were kind to him.

   You woke up the next morning to Haechan snoring lightly beside you. You covered him with a blanket and kissed his cheek. Sleepily, you pulled yourself out of bed to look out of the window. The world outside was still and unassuming. You gave one last look at the life that granted you anonymity before turning back to the man you had fallen in love with.

  You found out later that Taeyong made a deal with the people leaking the photos. As long as Taeyong showed up when they wanted him, the photos of you and Haechan would never be leaked. Haechan talked it over with his members, each one making it clear that, ultimately, they would support whatever decision he made regarding his personal life. On his own terms, Haechan decided to tell the world about your relationship. Though it scared you both, you knew you always had each other.