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darkblueocean · 6 years

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timeline

may 19th

-workout party

-played catch

-beer pong

-flip cup

-fought outside

-she ss the snapchat with me in it bc she thought i was cute

june 2nd

-saturday morning workout

-we were partners ( she was more focused on me than on the workout)

-braided my hair in starbucks afterwards

june 8th

-held my hand during the movie (Ocean's 8)

-followed me from Melia's room to Arissa's bc i couldn't sleep

-under the dino blanket she stuck her tongue out and i touched mine to hers

-she grabbed my face and kissed me on the lips 3 times in a row

-i kept trying to kiss her, this is were "nope" "yep" & "please" started bc she kept saying nope and turning her face away from mine until i said please

-both of us were too afraid to kiss the other goodbye

june 13th

-she came over for our first sleepover here

-we kissed a lot

-we went swimming in the pool here, we found out later that someone had pooped in it

-i held her all night and we both had an amazing sleep

june 20th

-we picked her up from bailey's house because linda was late

-we hung out here and kissed and talked a lot

-we went to macaroni grill with cayman and jacob, but only i ate

-we held hands under the table for a while

-we saw incredibles 2 and i had my arm around her for most of it

-i kissed the top of her head a lot during the movie

-she slept over again and i held her all night

-she woke me up by playing with my chin, but she doesn't remember doing it

-i later found out that she was gonna wake me up with a kiss but she got too nervous

-we kissed a lot before linda came

-we had our first goodbye kiss downstairs because no one was home

june 25th

-day before we left for europe

-came over to hangout before we left for 3 weeks

-lots of kisses and holding each other

-she stayed here when i went with cayman to get chipotle

-she thought my mom and dad were mad at her because her dad was really late coming to get her

-i fell asleep well she was holding me

-kissed her goodbye again

-later found out that she was gonna ask me out that night but she didn't want anything to wreck the night

july 18th

-we saw Jurassic World 2

-we barely watched because we were kissing a lot

-i was holding her during the movie

-i fell asleep when she was holding me

-we went to petco and pet cats, named turtles, and looked at fish and lizards

-we were gonna go to chuck e. cheese but we took one step inside and we left

-we went to ihop and tried the burger which was ok

-we went to the target attached to topanga mall

-we walked around the mall and around the village

-drove her home but we "went around the block" so we could spend more time together

-we kissed in the car

july 19th

-i visited her at work

-brandi wouldn't leave the front so stevi told me to go to the bathroom

-she met me in there and we talked for a few mins and i hugged her, which turned into me kissing her

-i said "hey, will you go out with me?" before i could even finish she said yes

-we kissed some more but then she had to go

-i left while she was busy ringing someone up so she just smiled and waved at me

july 22nd

-we saw Hotel Transylvania 3, which was so bad it was funny

-she kissed me first in the movie theater, even though we sat all the way at the front

-i smiled for most of the movie bc i was so happy to be with her

-we went to jamba juice after and she spilled her smoothie on herself

-we went to the park afterwards but we couldn't go on the swings bc there were too many little kids

-i drove her home and we "went around the block" so we could kiss more

-in the car she said “hey, will you go out with me?” i obviously said yes

august 4th

-workout

-hugged each other when i first got there

-we were partners the whole time

-lots of smiles and laughs

-we both wanted to kiss each other but we couldn’t

-workout party

-didn’t really talk a lot at the beginning bc my twins were being weird

-i sprayed her with a lil bottle of water and we had a lil water fight

-she hugged me when she was soaking wet

-we were partners for the game outside

-gave her a shower in the front yard, when she was rinsing off in the shower i wanted to kiss her

-put my head in her lap after zoey screamed, she kept grabbing my cheeks and her eyes were very dilated and we were holding hands super lowkey

-she sat in my lap outside and i lowkey held her, i kissed the side of her head and we both said i love you, i told her i wanted to grab her face

-she was playing jenga so i sat next to her and i put my hand on her leg and she told me after she wanted to hold it but she couldn’t

-she told funcle she wanted to show him the pants she ripped when she sprained her ankle so i went with her to get them and right before she could leave i said hey and then i grabbed her face and we kissed a little bit in their room

-she said we should go take a streak picture so i followed her to the bathroom and she closed the door behind us

-i grabbed her face and kissed her and after a minute we took a picture, she kept kissing me after and while kissing her i pulled her waist towards me and then she did the same thing to me, it felt really good

-i sorta held her on alyssa’s bed while we were watching the greatest showman but then we had to leave

-i hugged her goodbye, but no kiss this time

august 17th/18th

-came over for a sleepover

-we watched friends for a while and kissed downstairs

-came upstairs to take a nap but we ended up just kissing and talking the whole time

-we went to chipotle to pick up dinner, we came home and ate it

-she played some tyler the creator for me in the car, and she was scared i wouldn’t like it but i did and she looked really happy and cute singing along

-we came home and after dinner we had some shots

-we got super drunk and we were kissing a lot, shirts came off but everything else stayed on

-i went on top of her and she really liked it, we both got some hickeys

-i finally had the courage to say “stevi justice, im in love with you” she said the same back and that she had wanted to tell me for a long time but she was scared i didn’t feel the same way

-while we were kissing we grabbed each others butts and apparently i kept asking her if everything we did was ok bc i didnt want to make her uncomfortable

-we talked about spending the rest of our lives together, we took some pictures but only a few turned out ok

-she drank too much so we sat on the bathroom floor and i held her and her hair back while she threw up

-we fell asleep there until i woke up in the middle of the night and told her to go to my bed, she could barely stand so i was helping her up and she laid down on the bed facedown but when i went next to her she moved so i could hold her

-in the morning i woke up before her and she looked so perfect as she slept, i kissed her lips and she kissed me back then she opened her eyes, smiled at me and closed her eyes again

-we just talked about the night before and then we went downstairs and watched friends and i held her as she took a nap

-we kissed goodbye and then she left with linda

august 24th/25th

-my twins house for a sleepover

-slept together on the air mattress

-kissed in the bathroom once everyone went to sleep

-she told me about the mall and friendsgiving

-tried to go to the bathroom at starbies after workout so we could kiss but the line was too long

-we both told our twins on the 25th

september 1st

-stevi’s bday

-saw each other at workout

-hit her water bottle out of her hand so i could hold it

-threw water at her after coffee bean

-came back to hangout at 1:30, had to keep her out of the house so they could set up for the party

-saw a ww2 movie but we were kissing the whole time

-she held me so i fell asleep on her

-we went to jamba juice after and hung out

-drove around her neighborhood until we found a safe place to park, we sat in the car talking and kissing for 20 mins

-brought her home by 6 and went to the backyard for her surprise party

-we managed to sneak off a few times to kiss

-my twins were being kinda weird so emily and alyssa invited me to spend the night there

-stevi and i slept on the futon together and i held her all night

september 2nd/3rd

-we met up in the arcade at santa monica pier

-i met jennifer (stevi told me after that she was very excited to meet me and kept asking where i was)

-we drove stevi back home with us and we held hands in the car

-her and rimp talked a lot and they all were making fun of me for liking country roads

-once we got home we all stayed down stairs and were chatting for a while

-kissed stevi a lot once we got upstairs

-she laughed for like 10mins straight which was super cute, she looked really happy

-i couldn’t stop smiling when i was looking at her

-i got to hold her all night

-woke up with kisses in the morning

-we brushed our teeth together then came back to bed so we could kiss and listen to music

-rimp called us downstairs to help make the food for the beach but i took like 5 mins bc i didn’t wanna stop kissing her

-it felt comfortable having her around mom and dad, you could tell they both like her

-we shared a bagel and i learned that she likes yellow gatorade

-we came upstairs to get ready and i just wanted to kiss her more so we did that for awhile

-we held hands on the way to the beach

-we played catch with the football then we swam for a long time and we kissed in the water

-dried off, ate a little bit and then we played beach volleyball on the same team

-she kept missing the ball and was dying laughing every time, it was so cute

-we played the license plate game for a long time too (punch each other when you see an out of state plate)

-we held hands in the car on the way back to stevi’s house

i’m ending the timeline because i remember every moment that i have with her so i don’t see the point of writing them down anymore. this would get really long anyways, because forever is a really fucking long time.

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adambstingus · 6 years

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5 Directors That Should’ve Stopped After One Movie

Some filmmakers are like marathon winners; they stay consistently strong and fast for an inconceivable amount of time, and when they finish, you are left inspired by their existence. And some directors have careers like my performance in my second grade’s three-legged race. I fell at the start, busted my nose open, and writhed on the ground for a while as my partner walked away from me. The following five directors did similar things in their own metaphorical three-legged races. What began as a burst of glorious potential devolved into something hideous and often embarrassing.

Zack Snyder With Dawn Of The Dead

Zack Snyder has always been the Mountain Dew Code Red to Christopher Nolan’s iced coffee. They both direct grand adventure movies, but while Nolan’s philosophy is that of the kid in the back of the freshman year writing class with the scarf, Snyder’s is frat bro existentialism. Snyder is pretty great at examining the darkness that lurks in the hearts of men, but only when those men are grunting at each other, “HOLD ME BACK BEFORE I LAY THIS MOTHERFUCKER OUT, DUDE”-style. In any other case, it’s a toss-up. For example, in Watchmen, he totally got the plight of radioactive superman Dr. Manhattan. But the only female on the team, Silk Spectre, was shot like she was in an impromptu Axe Body Spray commercial.

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5 Superhero Movies That Are Only Worth It For One Scene

The only movie that Snyder has done that’s consistent throughout is his first, the 2004 Dawn Of The Dead remake. If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a bunch of people being eaten by zombies at the mall. It’s also fantastic in a way that few remakes actually are, mainly because it does not seek to replicate or expand upon the original. A lot of times in horror remakes, directors try to cram in “answers” to questions that they think viewers have, which totally robs the movies of their potency. We’re scared of the things we don’t know. When we say “Oh, man. He uses a chainsaw? What the hell?” we don’t want the director to respond with, “Well, he got his chainsaw from the old slaughterhouse he used to work at.” There’s nothing terrifying about learning where Freddy Krueger shops for his sweaters.

Instead of that route, Snyder actually chops off any of the rough edges of the source material. The original ends with a bunch of bikers attacking the mall that the heroes are in, which leads to a lot of cool gore effects, but bites the face off of the movie’s sense of pacing. It robs us of the intimate climax that Dawn Of The Dead could’ve built to. Snyder’s version doesn’t have that problem, as it’s a horror/action film from the very beginning. Sure, it’s not as satirical as the original, but it doesn’t need to be. Snyder is not interested in creating a horror film that’s also an allegory. The zombies don’t have to represent anything. They can get by when they’re just being spooky zombies. Constantly reminding me that “The real villain … is man” is the best way to get me to hate both zombies and English teachers.

Sadly, Zack Snyder’s next project would be 300, which had cool action scenes but was the movie equivalent of a guy whispering motivational quotes to himself in the mirror at the gym. And since then, all of his films have either been bloated epics or that thing about warrior owls. It’s a shame. Because when Snyder makes films that aren’t really about anything other than what’s on screen, he shines.

Terrence Malick With Badlands

Terrence Malick is the #1 “Well, I appreciate his work” director in the world. “Well, I appreciate his work” directors are a rare breed, as they’re usually either obsessively loved or “appreciated.” And by “appreciated,” I mean “I know a lot of time probably went into putting all of those pretty colors on screen, so I can’t hate this one too much.” I truly appreciate Terrence Malick, even though his films feel like staring matches with an old computer’s screen saver.

His first film, though, is a refreshing take on a genre that needs all of the fresh takes that it can get. Badlands is a serial killer movie, and the biggest problem with the serial killer subgenre is that very rarely do such films actually make us disgusted with a serial killer. Instead, we marvel as the killer says awesome quips and performs super sweet serial killer melee moves. Silence Of The Lambs is a great movie, but it’s hard to feel bad about a guy who eats other guys when he’s Jason Bourne-ing his way out of police custody. Yeah, the hero should be the person who hasn’t wantonly killed multiple innocent people, but I saw the killer do a double backflip off the diving board once, so my vote is set.

Badlands makes serial killing look really awful. Like, “Dude in front of you doesn’t know how to work the self-checkout lane” awful. It’s the story of a 15-year-old girl who becomes enamored of a 25-year-old man, and then gets swept up in a life of theft, violence, and cross-country travel when he decides to start murdering South Dakota. So we see the killer through her eyes, and as her opinion of him grows sour, any chance that we have of admiring Martin Sheen’s sweet bangs slowly evaporates too. Sheen is a shitty dude in this one. Like, “Friend who doesn’t put your Blu-ray back in its case and instead just lays it bottom-side-down on the floor” shitty.

Roland Emmerich With Universal Soldier

From the mid ’90s to the present, Roland Emmerich has been a constant source of the loud and mediocre (Independence Day, White House Down, Stargate), the loud and dull (Godzilla, The Day After Tomorrow, 2012), and the loud and very, very historically inaccurate (The Patriot, 10,000 BC, Anonymous, Stonewall). He is the “Hold my beer” to Michael Bay, and no matter what trends are popular in Hollywood or how financially successful his previous film was, we can always count on Emmerich to deliver something that somehow damages the intellectual standard of the explosion.

Emmerich started as a filmmaker in Germany, and most of the films that he made there are either impossible to find in America or were released years later and just on video. His first American film to receive a theatrical release was Universal Soldier, which features Dolph Lundgren and Jean-Claude Van Damme as soldiers who get resurrected to become … universal soldiers? I’m not sure what the “universal” thing means, but I guess it’s because, now that they’ve been brought back to life, they’re not limited by the earthly definition of “kicking ass.” They can now kick all the ass in the universe. Side note: This theory is remarkably unconfirmed.

For Emmerich, Universal Soldier is amazingly subtle. And that’s not just because Van Damme is given the emotional range of a yam in this film. It’s mostly a big chase movie, and not just the typical Emmerich “Leave nothing in this major American metropolis un-fireballed” fare. Van Damme and his reporter girlfriend stop in a town, Lundgren catches up to them and shouts, Van Damme escapes, and Lundgren responds with more heavily accented shouting. Compared to Emmerich’s other stuff, Universal Soldier is Driving Miss Daisy.

I don’t know if “limiting the scale” is the key to fixing Emmerich, as he doesn’t have much luck in crafting personal tales. So maybe the key is Dolph Lundgren. Maybe Emmerich made a movie that was one big combustion, but Lundgren absorbed it all, and then released that energy by yelling. I’m no professor, but I think the science works out.

Seth MacFarlane With Ted

Seth MacFarlane is a comedy titan. Not satisfied with ruling Fox’s TV animation division, he’s also branched out into movies. And he’s made three so far: Ted, A Million Ways To Die In The West, and Ted 2. Guess how many of those were pretty solid? A hint is hidden in the title of this column.

Ted, the story of Mark Wahlberg and a talking stuffed bear, has some heart in it. There are plenty of movies about dude friends who have problems with each other whenever one of them gets in a serious relationship. They want to drink beer and fart out their dicks, but SHE likes organizing the apartment! Whatever will they do? Ted is still crass, but in centering the conflict around Wahlberg not wanting to abandon a literal stuffed bear, it truly nails home how infantile the whole “bros before respectable type-A females” struggle is. You can still have a fun life and chill with your bear, even if you’re married. And those who don’t understand that are the true dick-farters.

After Ted, MacFarlane made A Million Ways To Die In The West, which most closely resembles those Leslie Nielsen jokes-every-ten-seconds comedies, with the problem being that MacFarlane doesn’t have the warm presence of Nielsen. Nielsen was the comedy genre’s beloved uncle, while as an actor, MacFarlane is still its odd half-cousin. Ted 2 is about teddy bear rights, which expands a few jokes into a two-hour movie. It never ends up being as funny or likable as Ted, and feels like it was made not because MacFarlane wanted to make it, but because a Hollywood executive decided that Ted 2 was their only means of finally getting a third Jacuzzi installed.

Eli Roth With Cabin Fever

I’m always hesitant whenever a horror director says they’re making a homage to a certain era of horror films. This is usually because they let the homage aspects outweigh the actually-being-a-good-movie aspects. “But it’s a homage to ’80s slasher films! It’s not supposed to be a masterpiece!” Yeah, but it’s supposed to be competent and somewhat exciting, instead of a 90-minute declaration that you’ve seen Sleepaway Camp multiple times.

One of the only really good ’80s homages is Eli Roth’s Cabin Fever, which is sort of styled after The Evil Dead, but mostly does its own thing. Now, Cabin Fever isn’t perfect. Eli Roth’s writing would actually peak with Hostel Part II, which is a statement that no man should be forced to make. But Cabin Fever feels less like a guy trying to remind you of how great 1983 was, and more like a guy who’s trying really, really hard to make a fun, gory horror flick. Plus, it manages to pull off some gross-out moments that are sincerely shocking. Even in the age of things like The Human Centipede trilogy, which is edgy middle-schooler humor brought to life, Cabin Fever can still make you feel weird.

Roth’s next film, Hostel, desperately wanted to be like one of the graphic Asian horror films that Roth is a fan of. The biggest difference is that stuff like Takashi Miike’s Audition and Kim Jee-woon’s I Saw The Devil manage to place interesting stories and dynamic characters around their torture setpieces. Roth’s characters are a couple of dumb guys, which is meant to say something about how young American adults kind of treat other countries like playgrounds that they can fuck in, but it mostly comes off as Roth needing characters who explicitly won’t grow or change, because an arc doesn’t really vibe with a drill to the chest.

Roth would later make The Green Inferno, a movie that I saw on opening day because I can’t be trusted with my own money or schedule, and his next movie is a Death Wish remake. Remember that series, the one about Charles Bronson putting bullets in crime and crime-related activities? I don’t know whose idea it was to give that movie to the guy whose most famous scene involves cutting someone’s Achilles tendons, but I feel like it might have been a bad call.

Daniel has a Twitter. Go to it. Enjoy yourself. Kick your boots off and stay for a while.

Watch Independence Day right here if you’re a true American, and get one of the cool aliens in adorable Funko form and pity Daniel Dockery for hating everything amazing in the world.

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Nightmarish villains with superhuman enhancements. An all-seeing social network that tracks your every move. A young woman from the trailer park and her very smelly cat. Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits, a new novel about futuristic shit, by David Wong.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-directors-that-shouldve-stopped-after-one-movie/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/177815193117

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samanthasroberts · 6 years

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5 Directors That Should’ve Stopped After One Movie

Zack Snyder With Dawn Of The Dead