#because I make the rules Jingyi is also aro/ace he is just a flirt and also a bit due to comhet

[jianqzai]

A little one-shot I wrote for ace week <3

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Sizhui didn't remember when was the last time he felt this nervous while making his way towards the Jingshi. Maybe it was last year, when he went in an unauthorized night hunt with Jingyi. Upon their return, they had been screamed at by the elders, and then they were sent to his father to ask for punishment.

They had been scared for nothing, since it turned out Hanguang-Jun had only been worried about their well-being because they hadn't informed anyone of their whereabouts. Sizhui was crushed into a hug, and Jingyi, much to his delight, also got to be fussed over.

His father had assigned them a light punishment only for not asking for his assistance, but congratulated them for taking the initiative of helping those in need, even the ones the sect might not think worthy enough.

Now, he was walking towards the Jingshi out of his own volition, as it was his habit every time he returned from a night hunt. His nervousness had a more personal cause. Despite being a grown up, Sizhui always went to his father when something was bothering him — there was something about his calm countenance that made you feel cared for as he listened to you intently — he also gave good advice, and if there was nothing to do, he knew how to provide comfort.

So, as experience had taught him, he was certain his father wasn’t going to judge him for what he wanted to tell him, and still…

"Come in," came a reply from the other side of the door. Sizhui did as instructed, bowing upon entrance and removing his boots. "A-Yuan" To others, his father might have looked the same, but years of living with him had made Sizhui a great Hanguang-Jun interpreter and translator. He could hear the warmth in his voice and see the almost there smile directed at him, showing how pleased he was to see him.

"Baba."

"How was your trip?"

"We managed to subdue the spirits without much fight, we even had time to explore a bit." He produced out of his sleeve the sweets he had bought for them to share. His father's eyes lit up. "I hadn't seen these ones before, I thought we could try them together."

His father took one, inspected it, and then ate it. He looked at him in approval, Sizhui beamed and took one for himself, closing his eyes in pleasure at how good it tasted. It was citrusy, but not at the point of making it unbearable.

“I'll definitely buy more if we ever go back to that region.”

"Hm, good idea" His father said, while popping another treat into his mouth.

They kept talking about the hunt, about Sizhui’s studies and the composition he was trying to complete for one of his classes. It was normal, but he knew it was noticeable how not into the conversation he was.

"A-Yuan, everything alright?" His father asked, after the third time he missed one of his questions.

"Yes!" He replied, too quick and high-pitched to be genuine. He winced. "I mean no? It's not really a big deal, I just…"

His father waited patiently for him to gather his thoughts. This is why he loved talking to him, there was no pressure. Despite that, Sizhui dropped his gaze to his hands, it was easier that way.

"I saw by mistake, a few months ago, a letter about a marriage proposal for me. I was not snooping! I just came to drop something for you, but you weren't here, and when I walked to leave it at your desk, I saw my name so I got curious and—”

"It's alright,” came the calm reply, stopping his ramblings. He nodded and took a deep breath.

"Right. I know you will never pressure me into anything, that’s not— that’s not the problem. I was just shocked because before that day, I hadn't considered marriage as a real thing. As something I will need to eventually do, to fulfill my duty and have children. It also made me notice more how others act, flirting and eager to be in relationships and I—"

He paused again. Should he tell him how some of his peers talk explicitly about the things they do with their partners when they are unsupervised, and how uncomfortable that makes him feel? Or how he witnessed, for the first time ever, the way Jingyi was flirting with the girl that sold him the food they just ate and how that made his whole world come crashing down?

He really wanted to, but the more he thought about it, the more the words didn’t come. All the while he was fidgeting with his fingers, the tea cup, the candy wrappers. A big, warm hand came to rest on top of his, halting his movements and making him relax immediately. His father was looking at him in that intense way of his that meant, ‘You can tell me anything, it’s alright’

Sizhui had been the recipient of that look many times before: when the other kids were calling him names, and he came home crying, when the elders were mean to him and to stop listening to them, he had stopped going to the main hall to eat, or when he had sneakily acquired more rabbits from a trip he made with his uncle, trying his best to explain to his father why they needed more.

And each and every time, he knew he was not going to be screamed at, or be unfairly scolded. Instead, he was going to be listened with rapt attention.

"I think .... I think I'm not like everyone else.” He settled at last. “I don't want those things. I don't want to fall in love and marry, or have to produce heirs. I have Jingyi, and for me that's enough". Or at least, he will have him until he also decided to start courting and then marrying.

The thought made something bitter curl in his stomach. It was not jealousy, he noted, only sadness, a deep-bone sorrow at the thought of being left behind. The more he grew up, the more it felt like that, as if he and everyone else were in a race, but with different pacing and goals, moving apart with each step they took.

“I see. Have you talked to Jingyi about this?

“What? No, why would I, I don’t want to hold him back from finding someone he likes. Someone that could love him back the way normal people do.”

His father frowned slightly at his words.

“Not wanting what everyone else desires, does not make you abnormal, A-Yuan. It only makes you different. And that’s not a bad thing.”

“I suppose not,” he said, looking down, trying very hard to not cry, “but it does make you feel alone.” A small intake of breath made him look up again, his father’s eyes were so full of sadness, he felt bad for putting it there.

“It is difficult, but you don’t have to be alone. Talk with Jingyi, I am sure he will understand.”

“And what should I tell him. ‘Jingyi, I don’t want you to marry anyone, because I want us to be together all the time, but not in a couple kind of way, just like friends!’” He was desperately  trying to keep the conversation lighter, but the reminder of losing his friend made the tears finally fall down. “What if he wants to marry, I can’t hold onto him forever.”

His father let go of his hand, which worked for him, because he was openly crying and he needed his two sleeves to dry his tears. He felt him settle next to him moments later, and then arms were pulling him into an embrace. He cried angry tears, at the injustice of everything and at himself, for making it a big deal.

Finally, his sobs turned into hiccups, but his father didn’t release him. He kept him enveloped in his arms, like he used to do when he was smaller. Sizhui was grateful he hadn’t had to ask for this small comfort.

“A marriage is nothing more than a partnership between two people, or more, if that's what the ones involved wish. Only they can decide how to honor that vow. Just as there are loveless unhappy marriages, with children involved, there could also be happy ones with none. Marriages where romantic love is not the binding force.”

Could he truly do that? Wait. Was he—?

“Are you suggesting I propose to Jingyi? I’m only 15.”

His father’s chest moved in silent laughter, rocking him gently in place.

“Hm, you’re too young, maybe when you’re my age.”

This time he was the one laughing. He finally dislodged himself from their embrace, accepting the cloth provided to wipe his nose and face.

“Thank you for telling me. I will always support and love you, no matter what.” Before Sizhui had any time to start tearing up again, he continued. “I believe my brother could be of more assistance than myself in this regard, since he is of your same mind.” It was true his uncle had not married yet, despite being the Sect Leader and had the bigger responsibility to provide heirs, but it had never occurred to Sizhui that it could have been because he didn’t want to. “Do you want me to talk to him?”

“Hm, yes, I would like that. And afterward, I will talk to Jingyi, I promise”

“Do you want to stay here tonight? I can ask for dinner and prepare your room.”

“Yes please, thank you baba.”