#because i've had awful awful awful experiences on it in high school trying every pill under the sun

[heirloommtomatoes]

i think i’m gonna give birth control three months and then say byeee!! i miss myself! i miss myself so much! 

[anodyne-sunflower]

I've debated doing this for a while now

But, after receiving so many messages and asks asking for advice on this or that, I think the best I can offer you all is a story. And whatever lessons, or knowledge or whatever you want to take from it…is yours. I hope in some way it helps you.

All I ask, is that you do not reblog. A lot of you tend to reblog my stuff before reading it lol so if you accidentally do well…try and delete it. I know regardless this story is still out there but just for my own tiny comfort, no reblogs. I’m not gonna go into every single detail of my life. As that’s not something you guys need in your heads, but I’ll explain the gist of it.

***

My parents divorced when I was 9, they argued a lot when I was a kid, and my dad did drink often. I’m assuming because of everything piling on. The reasons behind their divorce are their own and I won’t share them because that’s their personal history, not mine to tell. Needless to say, I was expecting it. Even at a young age I just knew something wouldn’t last. I grew more closed off, and my brother grew more rebellious. As children do during these times.

I learned I had to grow up fast, because custody battles suck, and being a teenager and growing up through all that is tiring. Parents, even if their heart is in the right place sometimes, can guilt trip. It’s a horrible feeling, and you love them both so you try and figure out what to do but you’re also a kid and that’s not your responsibility to carry. That’s my background. I developed mild anxieties from it, but nothing awful.

Then I graduated high school, and started college and thought ‘yay new beginning’. I met some wonderful people and even my best friend there. But, I also met the boy that would cause me such pain that taking my own life actually seemed plausible to me.

I was 19, young, and even though I know I’m a smart person, when you’re young it’s inevitable that you’ll be naive sometimes.

This boy, I had him for a class, and he started talking to me. I never had any romantic experience before, and he was cute so I liked him. But, my own insecurities kept me from dating him that whole semester. Next semester came and I had him for the next level course and long story short he wore me down and we started dating. At this time, I lived by myself in an apartment off campus. An hour away from my parents. Within weeks of dating him, he changed from the sweet guy I met, to a controlling, angry, cruel person. I found out he had a girlfriend back home when I confronted him all he had to say was “yeah.” As if I asked him the time of day. My naive self decided to stay with him still. I wish I could give a good reason, but I can’t. I just did.

A few days later he would take my virginity by force, in an awful way. Even writing this now feels weird. But, it’s what happened. And the only thing that made me cope, was that I told myself at least I knew him. Sick as it sounds, it was the only thing that somewhat helped me deal with it. Because I need that one thing, to keep me grounded and keep me sane. And he would continue to take by force the entire time we were together. Our relationship got worse, threats, verbal abuse, physical. And this entire time, I didn’t tell anyone. Not even my friends. I turned to absolutely no one and the only reason why, was because I was ashamed.

Ashamed that someone as strong and mature as me could allow myself to let this happen. I blamed me. And I didn’t want anyone to know about it. Because in my head they would be disappointed in me, and I thought that was something I couldn’t handle. I stayed with him for 4 months. And the only happiness I take from that, is I was strong enough to leave after such a short time. There are many who stay in abusive relationships because they’re frightened, rightly so.

I didn’t tell anyone about him, until 3 years later. Because at that point I had no choice. I went in a binge, I was taking pills I shouldn’t have been taking, I was depressed, anxious, and insomnia just took over. Everything felt uncontrollable for me. But, years later and I still couldn’t tell my parents why. My boyfriend at the time tried to help, but it was too much for him. And I don’t blame him at all for leaving. I do blame him for other dumb shit, but not this. Sorry…trying to throw in some humor.

Right..so, my life felt empty then. And I was mad at myself for so many things, and when I actually tried to get help, the psychiatrists just stared at me, then wrote down a prescription. Pills weren’t what I wanted or needed, I felt like no one could help me, and as against suicide as I am, I actually contemplated it a few times because what else was there. Then I broke down, and told my mom after a visit to the psychiatrist. She was angry (justified in my opinion) mainly at him, but also because I never asked for help. And it hurt her to know that while she was only an hour away, her daughter was being hurt and she couldn’t do anything about it. I’ll stop there. But, I want you all to think about some things.

When tragic things happen, they can’t be prevented. They’re going to happen, and how we deal with them is our choice. We get to decide. Life is unfortunately not fair to us all, and that’s okay. We live and learn that way. I want you to remember that people can certainly effect us, but they can’t get the final say on who we choose to become. And they can only hurt you as much as you let them. I chose not to let what he did to me continue to cause me pain in my life. I had a life to live, and he wasn’t going to take control of that. I could move on, and I could be happy. Taking my life, thinking of that now just makes me want to cry because all you have to do is look at the faces of the ones you love, your pets, family, friends, whoever. I can’t begin to imagine seeing them in pain.

Just know, that no matter how strong you are, no matter how smart, that does not make us immune to bad things. We can all suffer harsh moments in our lives. Rich, poor, it doesn’t matter. But, that doesn’t mean we have to suffer it everyday. Things can and do get better. You just have to give it a chance.

If any of you ever need to talk, I’m here, and I’ll certainly be as honest about anything.

Thanks for listening.

And many of you are still growing, hell we all are, but don't ever feel like you're alone. I'm not your parent, or even your best friend, but if you need to vent by all means, go ahead. That's what I'm here for. I won't vent to you because I'm an adult and my problems are not meant to be dealt with by youngin's lol but regardless, I'm here.