#but finally i caved because i just needed to do SOMETHING about my chronic illness.

[heirloommtomatoes]

i think i’m gonna give birth control three months and then say byeee!! i miss myself! i miss myself so much! 

[sad-not-glad]

could you do a soft Dom Steve x sub bucky x soft Dom sick reader?

where bucky wakes up all subby and wants his mama. he goes to look for her and cannot find her, he starts to cry but then Steve comes around the corner and tells bucky that mama has the flu and is lying in bed to sleep. Bucky than ask Steve if he can help mama feel better. Steve says yes, they spend the day helping the reader get better.

Hey love!! I’m so sorry it took me a while to get back with you, but it’s finally here! I wrote reader’s illness so it could either be just a bad flu, or a chronic illness since I deal with those and flare ups can be terrible aha. The ending is a little rushed and not my favorite but… I’m too lazy to fix it. Hope you enjoy!!

Soft Dom Steve x Reader x Sub/Little Bucky

Warnings: Bucky is scared of being abandoned, but that doesn’t actually happen. Illness. Other than that, just a whole lot of fluff.

(Part of the Sharing is Caring AU)

Blinking awake, Bucky was met with the comforting space of the shared bedroom. Steve’s sketches were littered on the walls, a couple of your nicknacks spread around. Even his own collection of books, stacked neatly on the shelf in the corner.

He could feel it, already brewing inside. The need to be coddled and cared for. The need to be nothing more than a good boy who pleased his Mama and his Captain. But they weren’t here. The bed was empty, only slightly warm. A whine huffed up from his chest as he rolled over on his back- where were you both? You were supposed to be here, covering your baby boy in kisses and compliments.

Bucky shuffled onto his feet, taking his time collecting comfortable clothes before putting them on. One of Steve’s sweaters you had stolen and been wearing for a week, it smelled like both of you. His softest sweats, the fluffy socks with silly cartoon cats on them. You and he had almost convinced Steve that a cat would be a great addition to the little family you had made together.

All cozied up and surrounded by the scent of his lovers, he stepped out of the bedroom at last. The little apartment area was quiet, which was unusual. If you and Steve were awake first, it usually meant the team had come for breakfast. Meaning lots of noise. So the silence piqued his curiosity, urging him further down the hall. He checked the bathroom, empty. So was the office, and even the little storage closet that you loved so much. (Mostly because it’s where you hide all the good snacks)

You both must be in the kitchen, he thought to himself. He needed his Mama, he needed his Captain, he needed to be a good boy and receive praises from you both. That he was kind and sweet, how proud you were and how much you loved him. Bucky was already thinking of breakfast, he would probably find his Mama and Captain cooking something. Maybe he could help! He was good at mixing things, and stealing the yummy bits when nobody was watching him. He was a renowned fruit thief.

Much to his disappointment though, Bucky found the rest of the house empty. The living room, dining room, kitchen, he walked through them all four times. And the only trace of life he found was a discarded soup can next to the sink. The silence was deafening, but somehow the heartbeat in his ears was louder. It felt like the ground had been pulled from beneath him, falling down a spiral of anxiety.

Were you hurt?

Maybe there was a mission nobody told him about?

Had you two gone out for breakfast without telling him?

Did you leave him?

Was he… alone?

It was as if the walls were caving in, stomach cramping with terror and bile rising in his throat. Bucky hadn’t even realized he was crying until then, but once he did it was like the tears wouldn’t stop. He was gasping for air, vision blurry as he wiped desperately at his eyes. Maybe this was his fault somehow. He was needy and damaged, never a good combination in his own opinion. Wasn’t he doing better though? Clearly not if his Mama and Captain both had left him-

“Bucky?”

He spun around wildly, already reaching out for the voice of his Captain. Bucky was swept up against a firm chest and the cries let loose. Steve was gentle and patient, petting his hair and shushing his tears until the poor man was able to form coherent words again. “Thought…I thought you were gone.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” Steve sighs, pulling back so he could clean the brunette’s face with gentle hands and a soothing voice.

“We would never leave you, and you know that. (Y/N)- Mama is sick, baby. She’s not feeling good today, we were in the guest bedroom so we didn’t disturb you baby boy. M’ so sorry, I should have let you know.”

The guest bedroom, that made sense. He hadn’t even thought to look in there, it was never used for anything. None of you had family to visit, and all your friends also lived within a reasonable distance for daily visits. Bucky looked up at his Captain, eyes still wet with tears, face red and puffy from crying already.

“Mama’s sick? Can I help her be better?” He felt so small, he really just wanted to be useful somehow. Especially if his sweet Mommy wasn’t feeling good. You didn’t get sick often, but when you did it was never pleasant. Bucky had seen it on occasion, the underlying illness in your body flaring up with a vengeance. It left you nauseous, weak, miserable. And he didn’t want his Mama to be miserable.

“Of course baby boy, you want to help make her some tea?” He gives a little nod and is rewarded with his Captain’s charming smile. They take their time making the tea, Steve giving his baby boy extra love for the fright he endured and explaining a little more. You had been throwing up- and Bucky needed his sleep. He had been on too many missions lately. So you insisted on moving to the spare room, hoping he could get some extra rest. Next time he would definitely have to write a note to make sure your sweet boy didn’t worry like this again.

The tea was finished with no spills. Bucky held the mug close to his chest and walked carefully down the hall, his Captain following with a fond chuckle. He was shuffling his cat socks, pausing if the drink shook too much with that cute pout of concentration on his face. Once at the door he stopped, and Steve could see the gears in his boy’s head turning. How was he supposed to open the door? Sure, he could hold the mug with just one hand. But… it was hot, and he was holding it with his sleeves. The mug would slip away before he could open the door, and all his mama’s tea would be on the floor.

His pondering was answered as a large body wrapped around his back. Reaching around the man, Steve turned the knob and gently pushed the door ajar before urging Bucky inside. He knew that seeing your baby boy would immediately help you to feel better.

Bucky peeked through the gap, eyes landing on the mess of sheets and pillows on the bed. There was a small bin at the side, there in case you got sick. Discarded soup and water on the nightstand, curtains pulled tightly together. You hadn’t even noticed him yet, face buried in the sheets and you wrestled with the ache in your bones. His heart pulled together, his poor Mommy. You were clearly miserable.

As quietly and carefully as he could manage while still balancing your tea, Bucky shuffled his way inside. He could hear you groan from your spot on the bed, moving a little faster at the sound until he arrived at your beside.

“Mama…?” There was a shuffle, and you peered out from the sheets. The sight you were greeted with was just…precious. Your sweet Bucky, wrapped up in your favorite sweater to steal from Steve, a mug that smelled nearly diving held carefully in his hands. He was watching you with a nervous smile, presenting the tea for you to drink. “Here you go, made tea so you feel sick no more.”

Heart melting in your chest, you took the mug and gently set it to the side on the nightstand. Bucky was confused, you could see the pout forming as he began to think the worst. But before your baby boy had time to spiral, you lifted the blankets and reached out for him. “Thank you, sweetheart. But right now Mommy just want lovin’ from her best little boy.” The smile that lights his face could heal anything as he slid into the space provided, curling his large body up against your chest. You smoothed back his hair, pressing a kiss to his forehead before fussing with the blankets. Steve stepped up, taking over and tucking the comforter around you both with a fond grin. “How are you feeling?”

“Better, now that I have my baby.”

The blanket shook with a little giggle, you and Steve sharing a small kiss. Sick days were unavoidable sometimes, but they were always easier with both your boys at your side.

[identitycrysys]

OH BTW SINCE THE OTHERS ACTUALLY NEED AN EXCUSE TO GO

Mage and Ziffer i mean ziffer i mean zipper i mean ziffer i mean Zypher went back to game. Neptune was dragged along sorry he comes back every once in a while BECAUSE HE STILL HAS A JOB. sorry chronically online guy. also sorry vamp and cerb ur husband and wife are gone. Lantern gets a break

(,,,,,,,Yes he brought the flowers)

____________________________

Avian is. Probably in the hospital. If that exists (im so sorry avy you’re going to have to befriend Pyx instead)

____________________________

Alchemist went back to the cave since Dialtone finally moved back to his cabin and it doesn’t take such a long walk to get there and back. Cloud is htere too. Sorry dialtone. Atleast there’s a lower chance of a fire AHAHA haha hahaa. ha. (looks left, looks right)

____________________________

Anger is just. Locking herself in her room for some reason. Sorry sunshine your gf is . Not happy

,,,,,Not for any reason in particular! Not for any reason in parti

____________________________

Bow’s(the cooler one) bothering his wife. No need to go deeper on this

____________________________

Skeleton’s going through the Horrors. None of you will get any context. Other than he remembered something. lol (GLARES AT SOUP)

Oh yeah and thanks to SOMEONE IN MY DMS YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE he now has the snas head !! Feiar is going to love this when he comes back i justf know it

,,,,for the room thingy, (hi soup) you get to choose whatever room you want them to stay in if you want to skip that interaction because i’m pretty sure by the time i come back zombie has FUCKING LOST IT so!!

room from 100 bc or something. the two or ATLEAST SKELETON dusted everything off. good as new !!!!!! (ignore the rats) (the breadbox is still there)

. empty room. Atleast one of them tried to bring furniture. ther es is only one bed. sorry zombie. skeleton is kinda restless when eep. that or skel won’t sleep at all

The. Other one. You don’t get to pick this. Skeleton visits it sometimes A LOT

you dont have to skip it if you don’t want to

@zombie-an0n just in case you DON’T see this

____________________________

Drama is. Having a depressive episode probably. Sorrh mimic

____________________________

Moon’s sleeping her ass off . Sorry sun your platonic gf is taking another unnecessary break

____________________________

Surfer and his brother i mean brother i mean totally uncool guy he is not related to are just. Chilling

,,,,,,Surfer is being forced to do farm work. Do with that what you will

(someone else is going to be in control of the two now)

(also hi to you know who. you may give others the username if you want to. ill probably have the surfer design by then if my lazy ass don’t catch me)

____________________________

characters that DON’T have accounts that I can remember off the top of my head i think

Therapist is. Just fucking around in Sarah’s palace. So is crowneater

____________________________

Laine (worst name i think i’ve ever given a character ever sorry lai)fell into the lake. He lives there now. Waterboy

____________________________

Robber & Rational (no, not reason. hitting you with a rolled up newspaper lily) are. Also chilling. ,,,,,,,,,Someone’s being forced to take their meds sorry robber,,,, Least Pam gets a break

____________________________

Affie (used to have account) is busy. Making gifts for no one ever. She just makes them and has them stay there. Whoever visits her is welcome

____________________________

Durian(IM SO SORRY I NAMED YOU AFTER A STINKY CANCER FRUIT) is worrying about why he can’t leave. No need to look into this. No need t

____________________________

Jinx. Already said this. Stuck in his room again LOL LOL L BOZO

________________________________________________________

CHARACTERS MENTIONED THAT AREN’T MINE

sorry for the tags lol

@sh4tt3rg1rl vamp, cerb, sun somewhere, dialtone

@theautumnaldemon or @/mod-autumn (forgot pyx tag)- Pyxel , Pam and Stranger (if I mentioned them anywhere)

@courtjesterrr sunshine, mimic, some other irrelevant guy

tagging you for another reason but don’t tell anyone that wink wink wink smirk wink

@crazy-into-you sarah, arrows

@zombie-anon zombie. i can’t remember if i named someone else sorry

im like 100% sure i missed someone else sorrh for not tagging you

____________________________

I LOVE YOU ALL !!!

[imanes]

Hello! You mentioned reading Piranesi a few months ago and I finally got around to reading it and I love it so much - thank you for the lovely recommendation <3 If you don't mind can you talk a little about what you loved about the book (I love hearing your thoughts)? Also have you read Jorge Luis Borges' Ficciones (I believe it inspired Piranesi)?

HELLO my friend!! first of all tysm for taking the recommendation, I'm so happy it worked for you! honestly what do I NOT love about this book? it's hard to wrap my thoughts about piranesi because it was such a lovely reading experience which i honestly need to repeat ASAP because the layers to explore in piranesi are so numerous. secondly let me admit that i haven't read any borges yet BUT he's definitely on my radar and I've been looking for his books on my used bookstore runs since i read piranesi, not to much avail unfortunately but i added ficciones to my tbr for reminder!!

anyways I'm gonna stop right here for anyone who has not read piranesi yet because i think you'd benefit from going into it not knowing much except that it's told in vignettes and that it has elements of mystery which become more and more central to the plot as we advance and unravel the world that piranesi lives in. so don't keep reading past this if u haven't read piranesi yet! i did keep it spoiler-free though so no pressure. also putting everything under a read more bc i truly was obnoxiously verbose adlkjglsjk if it didn't work my apologies 4 it

NOW let's talk about what i loved about the book which honestly will probably just be a flimsy overview bc again i think a re-read would make what i love about it more salient and richer but i guess we can already have a start here!

first of all, the character of piranesi. when i first started the book and immersed myself in his inner voice, i was kind of thinking ok there must be a reason as to why he is so incredibly wholesome but also with an extremely sharp mind and immaculate observation skills. the childlike wonder of his perspective was an absolute joy to read from but also provided some tension because i think pretty early on you catch that he might be a bit of an unreliable character and that what he tells you may not match the reality of what his experiences and observations mean to the reader. you're very much the prisoner of his limited perception, his sometimes bizarre but always delightful thought process, and also again the childlike wonder with which he observes the world and which makes everything carry so much more weight w/o resorting to pompous/pretentious gravitas. a statue isn't just a statue to him, it is the Statue, something important in and of itself, with its own story/mythos and it harkens back to a child's point of view which hasn't yet been shaped by the world and therefore isn't as limited as our jaded adults' minds, even though he is an adult himself, which is apparent in his very keen mind.

then we have the form, with the novel being told in vignettes. i personally really like novels such as these because they feel a lot more personal but also propels the story forward. I'm not a fan of huge chapters tbh because my attention span is trash lmao. it was so easy to immerse myself in his world because the writing was so vivid and honestly made me reevaluate a lot about myself adjdjslg. I'm not much of a quote person but "the Beauty of the House is immeasurable; its Kindness infinite" lives rent-free in my mind because 1. it appears at two key points in the novel and both iterations echo the other brilliantly in their respective context and thus add even more meaning to the quote and 2. i think it's a beautiful metaphor for the world we live in, which leads me to the next point

what i mostly clung to during my reading experience was the theme of confinement to a specific physical space, which can feel suffocating and limited. susanna clarke suffers from a chronic illness that has kept her within the confines of her home for many years and this book very much reflects that. from my personal experience with that theme, i was less reminded of how thematically relevant it was in the middle of a pandemic, and more about how much goodness there is still in this world at a time where everything seems so bleak, and unkind. i myself suffer from an ugly case of chronic cynicism which i think is very unappealing lmao but at least I'm self-aware! being reminded that we live in a world where kindness is indeed infinite in the smallest and biggest of ways is the balm that my shriveled soul truly needed. i guess it's my emotional support quote lmao.

then we have the setting of the book which, while limited spatially, is also so full of wonderful things and imaginative configurations that i was just in awe of everything that was being done with it. the plot is closely tied to the setting and i really want to keep this spoiler-free (just in case) so I'm not going to delve too deeply into it but i'd love to visit this place and have piranesi guide me through the labyrinth of the House and the many wonders (and tragedies) that it holds.

finally we have the MYSTERY and omg i love picking up the clues and kind of forming my own theories along the way bc it truly isn't an in-your-face mystery like a thriller would be. we buddy-read this with some ppl from the book club so the experience of sharing our theories made it all the more pleasant. i really loved how clarke presented the many mysteries of the story in such a subtle yet gripping manner that soon i was just obsessed with knowing who was whom and what they wanted from piranesi and who piranesi was and how this all came to be. all the different players felt fully fleshed out and made me feel veeeery strongly (i.e. i wanted to kill some of them like literally daydreaming about choking them to death... not to sound unhinged or anything). they provided such good foils to piranesi's inherent goodness and all that they lacked in terms of decency. their shamelessness and infinite greed and how they see piranesi as a pawn to use set my teeth on edge so i was just biding my time for the karmic retribution that they'd get akjdlkgj also great exploration of how ambition can be the downfall of mankind

then we have all the clever-people-themes of neoclassicism and philosophy and plato's cave and whatnot and it's not what held my attention so i can't speak much on it bc I'm not one of those clever people who picked upon these themes LMAO but I'll for sure spend more time unpacking these layers on my re-read of this book because there are so many smart ideas hidden in the nooks and crannies of this story that i think you could get something different from each read, kind of like i feel about pride & prejudice by jane austen which offers me new delights to enjoy upon each re-read.

honestly i have so much more to say about how religion is handled, the rituals surrounding grief and their importance in the celebration and respect of of life, birds being amazing creatures, identity and how it can create contradictions etc etc but at this point i might as well just write a college essay on literally every theme explored in this book because it was just SO GOOD! thank u piranesi for me life

tl;dr this book made me feel like my brain was buried in a thick coat of dust and let some much-needed air in

[mousehole5000]

tgcf lb the third chapter 14 - 21

okay hit me with the lore

Xie Lian hadn’t spoken his next words before the teenager said, “He dug it out himself.” Startled, Xie Lian asked, “Why?” The teen replied, “He went mad.” -digging out your own eye okay worm

If there were demons in this world who would scam or entice the hearts of people, then there would also be humans who would fool demons. There would exist much ongoing exploitation and betrayal. He said, “If it was handed over in infatuation, yet only results in broken bones and scattered ashes, it would indeed render one’s heart to feel aggrieved.” okay also kind of dope i love it when humans and demons get some back and forth. also this feels like it could be foreshadowing

awwww xie lian giving away his only steamed bun what a sweetheart

everyone keeps telling me this book is also a tragedy but now im just laughing at the visual of headless ghosts carrying their heads around and bickering

chronic bad luck and chronic good luck meet... what will happen to our heroes...

Xie Lian raised his head, softly saying, “You are tenacious, extremely dedicated, and despite many bitter encounters with frustrations and dashed hopes, you’ve stayed true to your heart. More often than not, your misfortunes will turn into blessings, calamity to prosperity. You will continue to have good fortune, my friend, your future is radiant and will blossom spectacularly.” All the things he said were made up on the spot, so they were complete nonsense. - fhklasjksldfdfh i know this is a ploy but still this was funny. also why didnt xie lian try to pick up palm reading from another source when he fell? are they just not as good? is he pretentious like that? either way i hope we find out more about what he got up to during those 800 years

Xie Lian felt rather skeptical on how he only ate half a bun for the duration of the entire day. If young people took advantage on their good health like this, sooner or later they would surely end up passed out on the streets. - xie lian is directly calling me out for my quarantine eating habits im sorry king ill do better

Previously, it had always been Xie Lian telling other people ‘it’s alright, it’s okay’. Today was the first time he heard those words spoken back to him, leaving him with an indescribable feeling. - awww okay this got me

oh my god there was only one bed

again comedy of the year. “oh you’re putting up a curtain that repels evil thats so interesting. on an entirely unrelated note im going to make you a door”

Brushing past him, San Lang pulled out the bamboo chopstick. He swayed it twice in front of him before saying, “It got dirty. I’ll throw it out later.” - edgy bastard moments begin

Xie Lian could hear the deliberation win Ling Wen’s tone. One thing he could be sure of was that she must be in a difficult situation. He said, “Okay, I understand. Since this is inconvenient for you, then there’s no need for you to say more. In addition, the two of us never had this conversation in private.” - awwwww considerate crown prince xie lian

“What, do you guys know him?” Xie Lian said. “……” Fu Yao coldly replied, “No we don’t.” - all men do is lie. also love the petty little broom dispute. i know its actually quite intentional and that only makes it funnier. also guys stop wrecking xie lian’s home he just got it fixed up!! if anyone breaks the new door ill be highly disappointed in them

Xie Lian nodded his head. “That’s right. I wrote it. If you guys continued fighting in there, I would be pleading for reconstruction instead of renovation. Then, I would really have no dignity left.” - see xie lian said if youre not going to contribute to it then please dont fight in my monastery its been through enough

Earlier, when Fu Yao had entered, he hadn’t gotten to examine the interior furnishings. Now, after standing in this crooked, shabby house for quite a while, he was able to see it all. As if his entire body, from head to toe, was uncomfortable, he asked, “You live in a place like this?” Xie Lian handed him a chair and said, “I’ve always lived in these kinds of places.” - ive seen this quote before and it really is just that “damn bitch you live this like?” meme. amazing

Fu Yao did not sit, his expression also turning rigid for a second. It was hard to tell what the look on his face was. It seemed nine parts blank shock and one part schadenfreude. - THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE EXPRESSION I WOULD LOVE TO SEE IT

In the desert, the difference in temperature between night and day was drastic. During the night, the freezing temperature was cold enough to seep into one’s bones, yet it was still tolerable. But come daytime, it was a whole other experience. The sky here was incredibly clear and expansive with dashes of white clouds, but likewise, the blazing sun was just as fierce. The group continued to walk, but the more they walked, the more it felt as though they were going into an enormous steamer basket. The hot air emitted from deep within the earth felt as though a day’s worth of walking could steam a person alive. - YES DESERTS YES

okay xie lian is so kind and so generous? he keeps giving stuff away when he has almost nothing and making sure that others are taken care of first..... love him

Xie Lian watched them put on airs. But when such airs were discarded, they finally got physical. Separated by the space of the table, the three of them fought with the poor water bottle, pushing it back and forth. - if these three really are who i think they are this is even funnier. the very clear toying thats going on is truly delightful

Even before, Xie Lian had always thought that although this teenager was always smiling, his smile often made it hard for people to distinguish whether it was actually genuine, or whether it was mockery in the guise of compliments. However, this time, anyone would be able to tell that there wasn’t even half an ounce of goodwill in his smile. - yeah that about sums it up. not even half an ounce of goodwill damn that sure the hell is not a lot of goodwill

He had Ruoye go grab onto something sturdy and stable, but Ruoye ended up grabbing onto San Lang! - awwww thats kind of cute. also the mental image... im going to make this its own post too but

im waiting for xie lian to cough up all that sand hes eating and say something funny when we’re back on the ground. i hope we get more very literal decisions from ruoye

It should be noted that there was a common saying within the mortal realm—a powerful dragon cannot crush a snake in its old haunts. - oh i like this and the translators note This is an old Chinese adage that basically means, ‘even a powerful man cannot crush a local bully.’

“General.” Nan Feng and Fu Yao both spoke at the same time, “What?” - CONFIRMED I CALLED IT tbh it was kind of obvious now ig now im just waiting. also again hysterical. if youre gonna hide your identities boys fucking lkafjfjlkdaf; try harder to remember that youre hiding

To be demoted again and again, to the point one couldn’t be demoted any further…… this kind of experience honestly felt too familiar. Xie Lian felt two gazes collectively fall on his body, but he pretended not to notice and continued reading the text on the stone slate. - this is a funny little set up for what seems to be a parallel between xie lian and this central plains general. he tripped on his own bootlace??? this HAS to be xie lian parallel what does it mean. oooh the common people on both sides of the conflict were the ones who commemorated him? interesting..

San Lang faintly smiled before he whispered, “No, I made that up. Since they had laughed at him before, making them kowtow to him now wouldn’t be asking too much, right?” Xie Lian looked and saw that it was really true. There was already no more text left to translate on the stone slate. He had originally wanted to sigh, but now he just found it funny. Thus, he also whispered, “Why are you so cheeky?” San Lang stuck out his tongue. The two of them were laughing when suddenly, someone screamed, “What is this!!!???” - okay they are funny and i respect the deception. also oooh scorpion tailed snake. oooh a horde of them. a classic cave blunder

“Yeah! The results are relatively the same as worshipping that rubbish immortal! The more you worship, the unluckier you become! “ “……” For an arrow to hit the bullseye despite being in a place so distant and unrelated, Xie Lian was left with no words. - oh my god xie lian are you wearing a spiritual “kick me” sign because it really feels like you are

HE GOT STUNG XIE LIAN NO

[incorrectly-quoted-queers]

Drunk Punch Love 2: Chapter 1

Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)

Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)

Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22089466/chapters/54170929

Part 2- Chapter 1: Breathe Again

"Wake up, Shepard!"

As she fell through the haze of darkness and brain fog, she saw flashes of dark space, burning light, and bright blue eyes. When her eyes started to flutter open to a blindingly white lab ceiling and the loud voice sharpened until she could identify it as a woman's. Memories were starting to come back to her, and she was only more confused realizing that the last thing she knew, her lungs were popping and she was dying. On instinct, she clutched her chest, but her lungs were functioning just fine, sucking in normal air.

And based on the heart thudding in her chest, dying wasn't the case anymore.

She didn't really have the time to think about that for long, though. Between the overcom instructions and muscle memory, she basically ran like a bot on command. Anya understood she was in a Cerberus facility, and she got that yes, she did die, but they brought her back, and that this Jacob guy was way too friendly. But past that? She just shot shit and hoped it worked out. Lucky for her, some of her muscles felt even nicer than she remembered.

By the end of it, she was helping out the uncomfortably attractive Miranda person and too-friendly Jacob survive their own base. The weird part, though, was having other people all up in arms about protecting her. Because from what she could gather, the organization pumped billions of credits into her.

If she was ever asked how much weight on her back might finally break her, billions might do it.

Anya still couldn't quite wrap her head around it. Culture and firefights were her wheelhouse. Economics were not. All the numbers and metrics Miranda kept throwing just gave her dark flashbacks to when her mother abandoned her in Alliance accounting to "learn a thing or two" and she just ended up hiding in a closet.

Mostly unrelated, that's how she met her first crush, Ryel. He was also hiding from "learning a thing or two".

Honestly, Anya wasn't even sure her brain knew how to process linear time until they were back at another Cerberus base. Jacob had asked her some questions about her record and memory, but she did that on autopilot.

Hopefully she answered everything right.

When she finally felt like she could count her fingers in a row without getting distracted, she was already being thrown in front of the infamous Illusive Man.

He blabbered on about his investments and creations and all his plans for her, like any manipulative movie villain. Shepard was quick to cut him off. "What stops me from taking the resources you give me and heading straight back to the Alliance?"

Looking a little shocked, he laughed. "I can't help but admire your bluntless, however ill-advised." His fingers twined into each other as he sat on his asshole chair. Anya wished she could kick the hologram over, but she knew what that kind of look meant: a planned answer. "Let's put it this way, Shepard: you're basically walking around with a Cerberus receipt on your back. Go back to the Alliance, too up in their own asses getting defensive instead of offensive, and you'll be grounded until they decide you're not a spy. I'll give you much more flexibility, as long as you take my concessions."

"And what are those?"

"Use my ships, my people, my contacts. Hunt down the Collectors. Pull together dossiers that I suggest and you like. Do whatever you want, just make sure to send reports back to me."

"So I don't have to follow your dumbass orders?"

"Unfortunately, you seem most effective on your own." It was at least a little satisfying that he seemed genuinely annoyed by that fact. Guy might be an asshole, but a pragmatic one. "As much as your ideology and attitude pain me, Shepard, you are the best shot humanity has. Backing you is the only option."

"Understood." Shepard paused, not sure if she wanted to bring up the people that mattered most to her in front of him. But when it came to saving lives, she needed to factor them into the equation. "Any of these dossiers for my old teammates? People I trust?"

"Wrex and Tali are tied up with their people. Kaidan is an Alliance boy, through and through. T'soni is deliberately elusive, and Vakarian has gone dark. But I do have one surprise for you."

Anya's heart had already stopped dead at the thought of Garrus being MIA, but there had to be more to it. He had to be alright. Cerberus was a shady organization with a wealth of information. "Gone dark" couldn't be it. Maybe they had a few clues and, if they passed them along, she could find him. After all this, she couldn't come back to a galaxy without those bright blue eyes in it. Her favorite, dumb turian had to be somewhere and she had to be able to find out where. She opened her mouth and said, "Wait-"

But the Illusive Man gave her a wave and the most irritating smirk she'd ever seen in her life. "We'll talk again soon enough, Shepard." And then he disappeared, leaving the room an empty, black square.

She was ready to shoot his dumb face for cutting her off. While Anya knew that really wasn't an option, she at least kicked her foot at the ground like she kicked his stupid chair out from under him. It was marginally satisfying.

But most of all, she was mad because regardless if Garrus was missing, he was fucking right about the Alliance. She needed to get shit done, not get stuck in bureaucracy. Bastard had her under his thumb. For now.

All her violent thoughts went silent, though, when she walked out to see someone she'd never expect in a Cerberus uniform.

Chronic lean and annoying smile in tow, Joker said, "about time you dragged your ass out of the grave."

Anya didn't mean to, but she pulled him into her arms and hugged him, tight. It was the first time anything in this new reality of hers felt real. He groaned under her grip. Anya released his shoulders, hoping she didn't break anything. After everything, seeing him... It was so refreshing she had to hold on tight. She said, "Sorry! Sorry. How are you...?"

"Cerberus said they were rebuilding you and my baby. And Alliance didn't feel right without you. How the hell could I say no?"

Overall she still wasn't sure how she felt about Joker in a Cerberus uniform, but it didn't matter. Everything about this moment was overwhelming, and after hours of dazed autopilot, it all hit her. She lost two years, lost time with the people she loved, and now she was back and at least Joker was still here. Anya didn't mean to, but her eyes welled up with tears. "It's so good to see you."

"Hell, Shep. Don't think I've ever seen you cry." What he said was a joke, but Joker put a hand on her shoulder.

Regaining composure, on instinct Shepard shrugged his hand off. But the second she did, she grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze. It felt so wrong to push him away, knowing she'd lost him. And if it wasn't for Cerberus, it would've been forever. "This rebooted body comes with a lot of surprises." In her head, she kept replaying every second here with him, trying to notice any possible differences in his face, voice, demeanor. She couldn't help but notice he seemed a little seriouser, even if his humor didn't show it. But then something he said came back to her, and she raised an eyebrow. "Wait, what did you say about your baby?"

He smirked. "Come with me."

Anya followed him down a few halls until they were in front of a huge docking window. She didn't mean to stop breathing, but right in front of her-

"The Normandy. Good as new, eh? With some new Cerberus features. Chairs are nicer, but the crew still isn't mine yet. Having my family there will make it better." Joker leaned on the railing and looked right at her. "Leaving the Alliance wasn't easy, but if it meant having you and my ship? There wasn't any other option." Grumbling, he also added, "Anyway, they grounded me for way too long after the funeral."

His jokes slid right past her consciousness. Instead, Anya was just staring at the ship that changed her life; the one she called home. It was different, but it was hers. That wasn't some easy thing to swallow. Hell, none of this was easy to swallow. "Oh my god. I still can't believe you're Cerberus. What did my mother say about you doing this?"

"You think I have a death wish? No, I delayed that suffering. As far as Oksana knows, I went on a trip and fell off the grid. If I'm lucky, she'll just think I went on a bender."

"Christ. Mama bear's going to kill you."

Joker scoffed and bumped Shepard's shoulder. With so much new tissue in her body, it almost felt alien. But the memories? They made sure Anya knew that she just got some of her family back. He countered, "Me? Talk about yourself, zombie commander."

"Maybe we seek forgiveness once this blows over, not ask permission."

"Sounds good enough to me."

Trying to stay casual, Anya kept all her stunned staring to a minimum. But she did admit to him how important seeing him was, in her own way. She wasn't the best with saying what she should. She just hoped it was enough. "I'm happy to see a familiar face. None of this felt... Real."

"I know, right?" Joker rolled his shoulders, and she wondered who'd been bandaging his shoulders or keeping an eye out for him the past two years. He didn't need it, per se, but it was apart of who she was with him. It made her chest ache, knowing how his routines changed because she got herself killed. Who did he go to when he got drunk? Or was he just alone now?

Joker himself interrupted her thoughts. "These Cerberus guys don't tell me anything. Are we getting any of the old team?"

If her heart wasn't caving in enough about Joker, what the Illusive Man said about Tali, Kaidan, Garrus... It all hit her like a thundering pack of Varren. Anya shook her head at him. "No one. A lot has changed in two years. It looks like it's just you and me this time, spearheading a new crew."

"I haven't seen most of them since the funeral. None of us were the same, after that." She watched his shoulders sag, a weight and responsibility she'd never seen on him. He stood up straight and said, refusing to meet her eyes, "Anya, I'm-"

"Don't." Leaning her head on his shoulder, she added, "I would do it again in a heartbeat."

Sighing, Joker flashed her a smile that didn't seem all that real, but she still appreciated it. "Ready to save the Galaxy again?"

"Nope. But we're going to do it anyway."

"Sounds about right."

///

I so very much my best girl Anya Shepard. I love the strong badass and awkward middle school ballerina wrapped up on one. Time for her to get back to saving the galaxy, friends!

Anyway, thank you so much for reading! And extra thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danypooh80

Amy Connolly

If you want to help support my writing, my Twitch aspirations, and my goal to create a fun, pro-fandom community, please check one of these places (or my bio) for more information:

Patreon: patreon.com/gracejordan

My Twitter: Steph_Marceau

My Wattpad: user/GraceJordan13

The various tiers include a discord server, shout-outs, cameos, one-shots, early access, and more :) If you can help out, I’d love it. If not, I still love you and this story so it’ll still be posted. Happy Friday!

[kurokonotext]

My Friend Needs URGENT Help

Hey there, lads, lasses and non-binary masses. It’s me, after 84 years. My plan was to vanish into thin air and disappear into a cave of shame and guilt for abandoning this blog but this is really a desperate situation. I may leave links to my stuff at the end but I’m not here for myself. 

PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO READ THROUGH THIS. IT’S REALLY URGENT.

My friend really needs help. She’s Portuguese like me and I’ve known her for about 16 years. She fled an abusive household at the age of 18 (2010). She had to endure an abusive mother, who would belittle her at any given chance and beat her up for no reason (with her hands, with broomsticks, throwing objects at her) saying that she would never have any friends because she was fat and fat people have no friends (she developed bulimia because of that which remains rather untreated because there’s no money for treatment and no support for mental illness unless you’re “dangerous” in this country) and making fun of her for liking girly stuff (which is incredibly weird, because she’s a cisfemale). Her brother would back her mother up and her father had Chronic Depression (as a side note, it’s ironic that her brother would say that depressed people were weak when his own father had that illness) and he wasn’t home often because he couldn’t stand his wife and he couldn’t stand the treatment his daughter was receiving. Her mother most certainly had Schizoid Personality Disorder, because my friend has it too and that tends to be genetic more often than not. Her mother was involved with Dark Magic and stuff like that (I understand if you don’t believe in it) but for a young child it was terrifying. The final thing her mother did was say she would rather see her dead than with another woman when she came out.

That’s the story in very broad lines.

She told me all this about two weeks ago after all these years because we lost touch for a while since we’re birds of a feather and tend to isolate when shit hits the fan. She’s been having it rough ever since 2010 because she never finished high school and has been jumping from shit job to shit job ever since. Her lovers have all been shitty and treating her like shit because despite all the shit she endured, this girl is a goddamn angel and she always puts everyone else before her and does everything for the people she likes, which could be okay, if she doesn’t seem to be under some sort of curse and always lands shitty girlfriends (I know, it’s not just cismen that can be trash, ciswomen can also be trash). The latest one is also mentally ill and has Borderline Disorder along with Depression and I’m not going to get into many details about what the disorder is about, but basically she’s not that bad of a person but she is very irresponsible and that’s what brings me to the point of this post and why this is so important and urgent. This girlfriend (who is now just ‘friend’ because they broke since it was clear that it wouldn’t work like that) had episodes and had to quit many jobs because of that to get some form of treatment (which in Portugal is still very hard to get if you’re not rich because there’s little to no awareness about Mental Illness and people tend to consider you either crazy or an attention whore or lazy and I’m sure that’s relatable to many of you, unfortunately). She’s currently in France to work as an Au Pair but she hasn’t gotten any money for her work yet and had an episode (because she didn’t take her medication with her and had no money to buy them there)  and they’re still in good terms and share the same flat.

However, my friend is currently unemployed and if she doesn’t pay her rent until the 8th, she will most definitely be evicted from the flat with nobody to turn to because she’s not on speaking terms with her relatives and extended family and her flatmate’s family can’t help either because they’re also poor and have helped as much as they could in the past. My friend and I live far away and she has her furniture and all stuff to take with her and absolutely no money and I really feel powerless and hopeless for her. I’ve been trying to help as I can for the last couple days but there’s really nothing much I can do because I’m also broke (but I live with my mum still and am still studying and shit, so despite my Little Issues, I’m about somehow) and she has no friends’ places she can crash at indefinitely. So, after this long ass post, which I hope you read and thank you dearly if you did, I want to share a couple links where you can send some form of support, if you can. Everything is welcome and equally appreciated! She needs around €500 (around $581) until the 8th to pay for the rent and avoid the streets. So, really, any help is very, very welcome

She’s mostly a cosplayer who makes her own costumes and takes part in competitions and she enjoys acting and drawing, even though she lacks confidence and has the aforementioned problems. Her art is mostly traditional and she enjoys drawing androgynous male characters (and she’s got shit on this website for it because apparently she can’t draw ‘men’ in ‘feminine’ clothes and positions :) ) In short, she’s one of my oldest friends and one of the strongest girls I know. She’s super talented and super hard-working and maybe I’m biased and whipped but this is genuinely how I feel. So, here are all the links to her stuff:

Instagram

Ko-fi Page

Paypal

Tumblr (she doesn’t post much because of the hate she got)

Twitter

And I guess that’s all. Please, don’t hesitate to contact me for further queries. I have her permission to make the whole story public and she’s really weary about this (I only knew about it all a couple weeks ago even though we’ve been friends since forever, so you see how she feels about all this stuff. I only knew about the mental illness but not in full detail) and it’s really a desperate situation. So please, if you can help her out, no matter how small the donation. Please do. Follow her if you appreciate her effort and work if there’s nothing else you can do and reblog this post, so that more people can see it and possibly help.

Thank you again for your time and I’m sorry I’m suddenly turning up after so long only to ask for help. I wouldn’t do this if it wasn’t so urgent and important. So please, I’m literally on my knees praying to everything out there that all goes well and at least this community will be understanding and helpful. Once again, thank you for your time and attention.

(Here’s my twitter account because it’s easier to reach me there in case you want to ask something. Yes, I know I’m into kpop too now but that wasn’t the reason why I left this blog. You can ask me about that too, I don’t mind talking, I just don’t want to clog this post even more.)

[dukeofriven]

Hussie, Hitler, And Boy I’m Tired

I said earlier that I didn’t want to put on my hip waders and muck about in the Homestuck tags. *pulls off hip waders* I went anyways. I went even though I was feeling pretty good because I had a nice dinner and got to watch the New Years Bake-Off special. I went anyways, and I did it for you, my eight followers who aren’t pornbots. It turns out the Homestuck fandom of Tumblr is as scary and hyperbolic as ever, and has taken one lousy bit of badly written crap and extrapolated that backwards into ‘Homestuck has always been a racist anti-semetic pile of garbage and everything about it is terrible and Andrew Hussie needs to die.” I’m not paraphrasing, by the way. Someone out there is chanting ‘die Andrew Hussie die,’ because he had the gall to... clumsily dunk on Hitler like a fifteen year old trying to impress his English teacher with edgy comedy? This new stuff is too dumb to be offensive, especially in an era with, y’know, Hitler-praising alt-right Neo Nazis actually being mainstream media figures.  Hey Tumblr fandom? Can you... mm not chill, chill’s not the word I’m looking for what is it... oh yes. Can y’all fuck off for once?

Tumblr doesn’t deserve to enjoy things because it doesn’t know how to enjoy things responsibly. It lurches from adoration to hatred without pause, and as a writer it gives me nothing but an anxiety. I cannot produce anything imperfect, I cannot ever write crap because if I do then all my work will be tainted by it forever. On Tumblr you are always judged by your worst effort, which is a fucking god-awful standard for large media franchises of any kind. You know who one of the greatest, most thoughtful, socially-driven authors of the twentieth century was? Terry Pratchett. You know what’s kind of sexist and lazy and awful? The Colour of Magic. You know what’s weirdly colonialist and smug and all-around shit? Snuff! Neither of those shitty books invalidate the forty other Discworld novels. The existence of Anchorman’s bloviating nothingness doesn’t erase Will Ferrel’s warm and desperately human performance in Stranger Than Fiction. The Forced Kiss Equal Romance kiss in Blade Runner doesn’t erase the rest of the movie piercing question on the nature of what it means to be human. And on and on and on. Andrew Hussie’s sneeze-shart dogshit history rewrite that was so embarrassingly bad it got pulled from the internet didn’t erase Rose/Kanaya, or gay Dave, or Joey Claire tap-dancing her little heart out to try and defeat a monster. And even if Andrew Hussie does a JK Rowling and produces nothing but ill-thought-out crap from here until the day we all die in the great Disney Final Merger of 2023, it still won’t invalidate the good moments that made you happy. I mean if Andrew Hussie toddles out of retirement onto a talk show in a bathrobe to discuss his new revelations on the Puppetgrandmasters of Scion who all have worryingly Semetic names, I’m not going to be so naive as to pretend that his earlier media can be consumed in some kind of vacuum, that the future cannot affect the past. but I am saying that the good that happened in it - the things that affected you in positive ways - are not ethereal. It mattered to you then, and that’s okay. Tumblr’s hyperbolic responses seem to be rooted in embarrassment and self-flagellation. People seem so terrified by the thought that anyone might associate them as a fan of something - gasp - linked to controversy that they... well, they say shit like “die andrew hussie die.” Hey dude. Hey. You need to redirect that anger, my friend. There’s actual Neo-Nazis in the streets. On the TV. In the US government. I guess what I’m trying to say is... Woof. Okay. You know, to give Andrew Hussie partial credit here, its nice to see someone actually write Adolf Hitler the way he really was - a pant-shitting constantly whiny toddler of a human being who endlessly threw tantrums and got to where he was largely on the strength of other people’s bad decisions. Remember kids: the biggest myth Neo-Nazis have ever perpetrated is that Germany under Hitler was well-run, well-organized, and anything other than a collection of squabbling dysfunctional fiefdoms run by party hacks propped up by a bureaucracy and military too bound by inertia, ego, and cultural racism to do anything to stop a lunatic from ripping their country to shreds. That whole ‘trains running on time’ thing? It’s nonsense. Go study the conduct of the war once Germany had exhausted all its pre-war stockpiled resources and ran out of useful shit to loot, once it had to start relying on its leadership for the things that make wars winnable - supplies, reinforcements, fuel, winter clothing. Watch the way from 1942 onwards Germany stumbled from one disaster to the next, as Hitler fired more and more generals and drew more and more authority to himself and his fellow party cronies. Hitler should not be feared as a man of competence or skill - he was a buffoon, a clown of a human being fuelled entirely by petty, vindictive spite and an unlimited capacity for cruelty. And before anyone goes ‘well if he was so objectively pathetic how the fuck did he take over Germany’ I direct you to google the last two years of American politics and the words ‘Donald Fucking Trump.’ [I recommend, on these war subjects particularly, Sir Antony Beevor’s bleak and sobering works, particularly Stalingrad, Berlin: The Downfall 1945, and Ardennes 1944: Hitler's Last Gamble.]  Sorry this... kind of got away from me somewhat, but I really hate it when people get mad that someone didn’t take Hitler seriously (and, to be strictly fair, this is not what everyone is mad about in regards to Andrew Hussie, either). You should never take Hitler seriously. Take hate seriously - take violent words, and calls for purity, take his ideas of superiority and racial preeminence and anti-semitism seriously as the evils, the horrors as they are. But the man himself? He literally stank - a combination of his halitosis, chronic flatulence, and was constant diarrhea. [I am not exaggerating] He was a sad pathetic clown, and Andrew Hussie chose to write him as such. He just... went too far. It happens. It’s not good writing. It’s fucking shit, to be honest. Boring shit. The Minions movie decided to have the Minions sit out the entirety of WWII by having them get stuck in a cave or some such. Honestly that’s a better option than what Andrew Hussie went with - and ‘be more like the Minions movie’ isn’t advice I give that often. You want to be disgruntled that an author wrote something this bafflingly tone deaf and tedious? Sure. I know I am. But to chant for his death? Are you fucking kidding me? Look! Look out your window at those marching Neo-Nazis trying to establish a white supremacist state? What the ever-loving fuck are you people doing in here getting ready to string-up a man whose crime was making Adolf Friggen Hitler too petty???????? Tumblr. Tumblr, for the love of god this has to stop. This ‘Ceasar’s wife must be above reproach’ shit has to stop - it’s killing fandom, it’s killing good media critique, it’s burying proportional fan response, and its just exhausting. Why can’t you ever just let something be lousy without it being literal death warrant? There’s real demons out there - I can see them out the window, and every time I turn on the TV. Maybe - just bloody maybe - not every single crime deserves the exact same level of disapprobation and punishment? Maybe we could read some content and say “boy that sure had some lousy implications and also was just really poorly written” and then... stop there? Wouldn’t that be nice, for a change? We could dislike something without feeling like it required activism on our part. We could say ‘this piece of media was shit, but it didn’t advocate for a white ethno-state, so I will continue to think of it only until the end of this sentence.’ I am not advocating for an end to media criticism for anything that isn’t openly hate speech (but if you think that I am I am going to assume you’re already so needlessly enraged about this whole matter that I’m a bit puzzled why you’ve bothered to read this far since its obvious we don’t agree on many fundamental issues.) What I am calling for is the end to death threats against people who don’t mean you harm. Because that’s lunacy. That’s beyond the pale, actually, that’s really disturbing and sickening and you should seriously reconsider your relationship with media. Because there are people out there who do want to hurt you. Their lives are fuelled by hate, their philosophies are driven by it, as are their politics. I assure you that when a time traveller steps through a portal trying to prevent the rise of ‘the great Trump War of 2020′ the inciting incident will not be ‘Andrew Hussie trivialized the holocaust by citing its origins as a grudge Adolf Hitler bore Albert Einstein over a rivalry in secret clown ninja school before being taken on as an agent of a baking-obsessed alien space witch and bumped into power by the Peters principle.’ Because just by writing that sentence I have already reaffirmed a very simple truth: this is way, way too stupid to give the slightest shit about. So let’s tell Andrew Hussie that his new work is... mmm.... kind of like a shit if a shit had a shit that was itself shat out by a shit and then vomited on by another shit who had eaten nothing but shit since Sunday. Let’s tel lhim “hey dude, your clownish work summoned the spectre of anti-semetism, and you can do better.” Frankly, I think that message was already sent, since in the two hours between me going to make and eat dinner and then coming back to my computer, the new material was discovered, read, disseminated, and removed. Two hours. Sure, maybe a bit of lag due to what does and does not hit my feed but come on - this all took place in an afternoon. It’s already down. Our voices were heard - we didn’t think this was very good, and apparently Whatpumpkin agrees enough that they didn’t mount a defence of it. Rather than take the next logical step, though - which seems to be calling for the death of Andrew Hussie and removing all of Homestuck from the internet and maybe nuking Toby Fox from orbit just to be extra-sure? - we could do... something else. Talk about the release date for Stranger Things, maybe. Track down some local Neo-Nazis and punch them. Read some Antony Beevor books and really educate ourselves on what a smelly fuck-up Hitler was so we can chant that at Neo Nazis at their next rally. Or you could watch the New Years Bake-Off special. It was pretty good.

[chronicallymissyxo-blog]

Being brave here, so here goes. Caution, in this post, I mention a few things that COULD contain triggers, so this is a warning just in advance. I needed to write today, it helps clear my head, and it helps me breathe. 

This piece of writing I'm gonna call "Living my life with chronic pain & mental health." 

First things first - My name is Meghan, I'm 23 years old  and I am a chronic illness and mental health warrior. I begun struggling with my mental health when I was at school. I was bullied a lot, for my size, the way I look, for wearing glasses, for having spots, I was constantly pushed around and came home with bruises. I was a mess. I begun self-harming. Not a bad self harm, just a surface scratch when I was about 13. I hid this until after 3 years, my father hit me. We had an argument. I didn't know then I was suffering with depression. I was always the misunderstood, people didn't understand me because I was different. But I was taken by child protective services and moved back to my mums. I would get angry, frustrated, I'd have panic attacks but I didn't know they were panic attacks. I was really depressed but this wasn't acknowledged until I was 18. I finally caved in, wrote a note and took a bunch of pills. Because of that, I lost my job, I lost my life. I gained a lot of weight through antidepressants and I was told I was suffering with severe anxiety and depression. Since that, I've been on a rocky road. I started feeling a lot of muscle and joint pain, and it spread across my whole body and it was constant. 

After that, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Borderline Personality Disorder, so I'm gonna explain about these illnesses, and how they affect me every day. I have nothing to do with my parents anymore. Mostly because my Dad hit me and my Mum doesn't understand my illnesses and isn't willing to. I do apologise today by the way, I'm having a really terrible brain fog day. When you’re struggling with your mental health, it can be so easy to mistakenly believe the people in your life hate you. For example, it’s hard to remember when that person you haven’t spoken to in a few days doesn’t reply to your texts, they aren’t ignoring you out of spite, they’re probably incredibly busy.If you can relate to this struggle, you’re not alone. Thinking the people around you secretly hate you or don’t want to be around you is a common experience for those dealing with mental illness. When your brain is being cruel to you, it doesn’t just affect you, it can often extend to how you interact with others. If you recognise what your disorder does to you, it’s a new stepping stone to greater skills and extra peaceful moments sprinkled throughout your day. I feel exhausted and weak at the end of the day, whether I let everything out of hell’s gates or I attempted to find peace. The goal is to make it to the end of your day with the knowledge you are worth it and it’s possible to make it through your misfortunes, even if finding peace hurts. Now imagine you experience losing your best friend, or thinking that's the case when they're just busy, you'd get panicked and upset - imagine that exact emotion at that level of intensity every single day. The gears start spinning your head. The truth starts to be less and less relevant when you experience this level of emotion. Do they even like me anymore? Did they ever? Have they been doing everything they can to show me they don’t want me around, and I’ve just been missing it? I hurt one of them the other day, saying or doing something careless based on too much emotion, like I usually do. Was that the final straw? Are they finally done being able to forgive me like I always knew they would be? You start to push them away to protect them from yourself and from all of the huge feelings. If one of them is your “favourite person,” someone you have become enmeshed with and have taken on their emotions as if they were your own in a really unhealthy fashion, it gets even more intense and complicated. This is the fear of abandonment someone with Borderline feels, on some level, every single day. It’s not them being dramatic. It’s not them looking for attention or trying to isolate you. It’s a level of emotional pain most people will never experience or will experience so infrequently that it stands out in their mind as a terrible day in their life. I suffer with quiet borderline, in which I keep it all in and internalise the feelings, but blame myself for it.

With anxiety, I do little things that normal people living a normal life wouldn't do. I start to obsessively clean and organise things. I rearrange things.  Something as small as the order of my bathroom, taking everything out of the cupboards and putting it back in different places, or even my furniture. Sometimes it stays, sometimes I move it back the way it was. I guess I feel like it’s in a better spot than it was before and if I’m moving while doing it I’m putting myself in better place also. I blink. A lot, And clean like a madwoman. Sometimes, it’s the only thing I can do that allows me to feel in control of something. I also twist my hair, shaking my legs unintentionally, and click my nails. Anxieties lead me into a state of thinking I’m worthless, not doing enough or being good enough. Then that leads me into my depressive, no motivation isolation state. I ask my fiance why he loves me and why he chose to be with me. I often don’t feel like I’m ‘enough.’ If I’m anxious I try my best not to bombard him with messages especially if he's out, but sometimes it's the only thing keeping me sane. Anxiety makes me feel that I’m always bothering people. Even close friends. Just trying to start a conversation with them makes me feel that I’m just being a big bother, so I tend to isolate myself. Since feeling lonely is better than feeling like a bother in my eyes. I see myself mentally retreating and feeling myself go down the spiral, while being able to maintain a good outward appearance. Nobody notices the change. Having to deal with the constant depression and social anxiety along with Borderline, people think I’m ‘doing better’ whereas I’m just good at hiding the hard things. I internally attack myself. Whereas someone with classic Borderline acts upon other people, I attack myself because I prefer to deal with things internally, if I've done something wrong, I internally attack myself then over-react in situations because I feel like the worst person on the face of the earth. It's been described as being a quiet Borderline. I get attached to friends almost immediately and I spend 90 percent of my day trying to make them like me. If I think they are a little angry with me or dislike me, then my world crumbles and I feel like the worst human being alive, like I'm not good enough. If me and Jonny have a disagreement, I dissociate completely which in turn causes over reactions I'm unaware of being I'm not fully aware of what I'm doing. It's easier to dissociate rather than deal with things. 

Dissociation takes me to a peaceful place but on the outside I'm saying and doing things I'm unaware of. It scares me, and it makes me scared of myself. I'd never hurt anyone else, I'd only ever hurt myself. Little things can set me off, which then can cause me to feel really depressed. I internalise things then hurt myself, though I'm 2 months clean of self-harm now. Before that I was 4 months clean. I fear abandonment, but I also fear getting attached to people because I always end up hurt, then feel even worse. Vicious cycle of mentality. I find it easier to shut down than blow up, so I self-sabotage myself. All these flood gates of emotions in my head build up, but I can't let them out, I hold it all in.Then we come to the chronic pain side of things. People who don't understand just think "oh it's just pain and tiredness, get over it." But it's so much more than that. It isn't just pain and fatigue. We can't just take painkillers and hope it goes away. However, those living with chronic pain/Fibromyalgia/M.E know it can cause so many more symptoms than that. Sometimes these illnesses can even cause symptoms that others may see as “taboo” or off-limits. The first thing we cross is sensory overload. It’s hard to handle too much noise, movements, lights, smells, etc. It makes socialisation extremely hard because if there’s more than one person there, there’s already extra movement and sound going on. Add a public place to it, and it makes the system go haywire with brain fog, indecisiveness, anxiety and pain. A lot of times it can come off as rude or antisocial, but I don’t think you could ever understand how hard Anglicization with sensory overload is until you’ve experienced it. I struggle to regulate my temperature a lot too. Some days it's not even hot, or sweaty but I'll be drenched even when I haven't been out. In Summer, unless there is water involved, I try to avoid going out which is a downfall because I have a vitamin D deficiency, so I can never win. It's really embarrassing and I constantly feel like I need to explain myself if people look at me because I'm so sweaty.

Now we move on to the sudden fatigue… I AM NOT LAZY! I’ve learned that I have to pace myself to ensure that I have the right energy to get through the day so if I say no to something or ask you to help with something that seems like an easy task, I’m not being lazy, I have hit an energy wall. Some days I still over do it and I struggle to cope with the pain.  It's almost like constant exhaustion, and the fact that no one wants to understand or comprehend makes it more difficult, especially because we're in pain 24/7. I’m sometimes a little sensitive, irritable and snappy. I don’t enjoy being around people (partly due to sensory overload) and I have closed myself off so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings with my callousness. The constant pain makes me so angry with everything that it’s hard to function.

The worst thing for me living with this is the migraines and the brain fog. I can't describe exactly what it feels like, but what I can tell you is when I get a chronic migraine, I get severe brain fog. Some days I get just migraines, some days I get just brain fog. When this happens, it's almost like I feel disconnected from life, like there's a huge bubble around me. It's like I'm in a slow motion picture, I forget words, forget where I am, and I forget what  I'm talking about mid-sentence. Conversation with Brain Fog is difficult. I accidentally zone out while listening to my fiance and sometimes I drift into a different thing entirely whilst still trying to listen to him. It's like I'm walking through jelly, everything just feels heavy, like there's a weight pressing right on the front of my head. My eyes don't focus. I'm trying to function but it's difficult to coordinate physical movements as you try to go about your day. Some days, you can see straight but everything seems distant. You feel exhausted mentally, everything exhausts you mentally and though you're seeing straight, the world just feels blurry. It's hard to put sentences together, or to think of certain words. It's hard to do little things because you've sort of forgotten how to do them. I struggle with my weight. I fluctuate a lot. I can't help it, I can lose weight but I'll end up putting it on. I struggle with my tummy, and find myself needing to go to the bathroom because something I'd normally eat just upsets my tummy on that day. I sometimes have issues with my bladder.  My bladder is overactive, but I have to drink a lot as I get dehydrated quickly and I get a dry mouth as a side effect from medications. I find myself waking 2-3 times a night to go to the  bathroom. Something less talked about with chronic pain, is genuinely anxiety and depression. Depression is a factor, but it's not the cause of chronic pain. My pain is medically unexplained. Depression doesn't go away because the cause of it doesn't go away. You can keep it under control with medications but people don't want to, or aren't willing to understand invisible illnesses. People will see you laugh, and smile so they assume you must be happy. But they don't understand the true feelings of what goes on deep inside your brain.My life has gotten slowly better over the last few months. Whilst yes, I've been on a low, it's nothing to do with my fiancé or anything. It's just the vicious cycle of emotions and pain that drags me down. 

I love him so much. I know there's times when I'm selfish unintentionally because I don't think, I'm always apologetic if I've upset him for whatever reason. I've always placed him first, even though he never asked me to, but I love him that much I'll worship the ground he walks on. I'm always apologetic if I've ever lashed out and caused him pain. All these little apologies I need to make, because I know there's times where he's doubted my love and affection. I'm just so lucky to have a guy like him in my life, while he doesn't understand my illnesses, he does his best to support me. I know we have our arguments, and our disagreements, and there's been times we've pushed each other away. But being able to look him the eye, and apologise, helps us grow even stronger despite the blips. How do I tell him how much love I feel when I look into his eyes and hear him telling me he loves me? How do I express my feelings for him as there are not enough words to tell him how much I care? If he wasn't here for me, I would be nothing but with him by my side, I feel like I can do anything and be myself. I'm the luckiest girl on the planet to have a fiancé like him, I really am. So yeah. I'm sorry this has been long winded. I just needed to get a lot of things off my chest today. I hope you all have an amazing day.

[inloveandwords]

Happy Almost-February everyone!

It’s time for another one of my TBRs which is really just a ‘suggested list of books I may or may not read,’ because I’m such a moody reader.

This month I’m planning on participating in Contemporaryathon, so I’m going to include that TBR here, too.

Contemporaryathon Round 6 Info

Dates: 2/10 – 2/16

Hosts:

Chelsea from Chelseadolling Reads

Julie from Pages and Pens

Natasha from MyReadingisOdd

Challenges:

read a contemporary book with green on the cover

read a contemporary from a new to you author

read a diverse contemporary (keeping in mind that it is Black History Month!)

read a backlist contemporary (something that has been on your TBR for over a year)

 read a dark/hard-hitting contemporary

 read a contemporary with an illustrated cover

read a contemporary that is beloved by a member of the book community (and shout out the creator!)

Books I’m Hoping to Read:

Credence by Penelope Douglas / book with green on the cover I keep seeing this book around and the hype has absolutely gotten to me. I’m dying to read it and it’s on Kindle Unlimited!

Tiernan de Haas doesn’t care about anything anymore. The only child of a film producer and his starlet wife, she’s grown up with wealth and privilege but not love or guidance. Shipped off to boarding schools from an early age, it was still impossible to escape the loneliness and carve out a life of her own. The shadow of her parents’ fame followed her everywhere.

And when they suddenly pass away, she knows she should be devastated. But has anything really changed? She’s always been alone, hasn’t she?

Jake Van der Berg, her father’s stepbrother and her only living relative, assumes guardianship of Tiernan who is still two months shy of eighteen. Sent to live with him and his two sons, Noah and Kaleb, in the mountains of Colorado, Tiernan soon learns that these men now have a say in what she chooses to care and not care about anymore. As the three of them take her under their wing, teach her to work and survive in the remote woods far away from the rest of the world, she slowly finds her place among them.

And as a part of them.

She also realizes that lines blur and rules become easy to break when no one else is watching.

One of them has her.

The other one wants her.

But he…

He’s going to keep her.

Thirty Day Boyfriend by Whitney G. / new-to-you author This is one I have on my Audible Escape wishlist. It’s only a couple hours long, so it’s perfect for a readathon. I’ve also never read anything by this author, so it works for the prompt.

I should’ve never agreed to this arrangement…

Thirty days ago, my boss—Mr. Wolf of Wall Street, came to me with an offer I couldn’t refuse: Sign my name on the dotted line and pretend to be his fiancée for one month. If I agreed, he would let me out of my employment contract with a “very generous” severance package.

The rules were pretty simple: No intimate kissing, no actual sex. Just pretend to love each other for the press, even though I’ve secretly wanted to knock that sexy smirk off his face since the first day we met.

I definitely didn’t need to think twice about this. I signed my name and started counting down the seconds to when I would never have to deal with his special brand of ass-holery again.

I only made it to one minute…

We argued the entire four-hour flight to his hometown, failed to make a convincing impression with the welcoming press, and right when I was about to knock that arrogant look off his face in real life? He purposely dropped his bath towel in front of me, distracting me with his nine-inch cock to “show me who the bigger person was” in our relationship. Then he gave me his trademark smirk once again and asked if I wanted to consummate our marriage.

Tragically, this is only day one. We still have 29 more days to go…

Behind the Bars (Music Street #1) by Brittainy C. Cherry / diverse contemporary I’ve been absolutely obsessed with Brittainy C. Cherry lately after discovering her last month. I’m determined to read her backlist and this one just happens to be on Audible Escape!

When I first met Jasmine Greene, she came in as raindrops.

I was the awkward musician, and she was the high school queen. The only things we had in common were our music and our loneliness.

Something in her eyes told me her smile wasn’t always the truth. Something in her voice gave me a hope I always wished to find. And in a flash, she was gone.

Years later, she was standing in front of me on a street in New Orleans. She was different, but so was I. Life made us colder. Harder. Isolated.

Caged.

Even though we were different, the broken pieces of me recognized the sadness in her. Now she was back, and I wouldn’t make the mistake of letting her go again.

When I first met Jasmine Greene, she came in as raindrops. When we met again, I became her darkest storm.

The Infatuation (The Josh & Kat Trilogy #1) by Lauren Rowe / backlist book I actually can’t believe I haven’t read this trilogy yet because I’ve been dying to hear this couple’s story. Just in time for the Reed Rivers Trilogy coming out in Feb.

It’s a war of wills between stubborn and sexy Josh Faraday and Kat Morgan. A fight to the bed. Arrogant, wealthy playboy Josh is used to getting what he wants. And what he wants is Kat Morgan.

The minute Josh Faraday meets feisty, vivacious Kat Morgan, he wants her. Not for a relationship, of course. He doesn’t do those. He wants her in his bed. But, to his shock and extreme frustration, Kat won’t play by Josh’s rules like all the others. No, this stubborn woman declares she won’t so much as kiss Josh until he divulges some highly personal information . . . But it’s something Josh has never told anyone, and won’t be telling Kat. Not over his dead body, no matter how gorgeous and sexy she is.

But the chemistry between the pair is explosive, scorching hot electricity like nothing he’s felt before. Oh, God, he’s got to get a taste. He figures all he has to do is wear the sexy woman down with is patented “playboy razzle dazzle”—show her the hotness she’s missing out on and she’ll cave, like all the rest . . . The only problem with that strategy? It’s Kat’s strategy, too: she plans to wear Josh down and get what she wants by showing him the hotness he’s missing out on.

It’s a war of wills. A match to the bed. Who will crack first? And when they do, will either of their hearts be on the line?

Disgrace by Brittainy C. Cherry / hard-hitting contemporary Brittainy is known for writing hard-hitting books, and I’m sure this one will be no different.

Each day I prayed for my husband to love me again.

After fifteen years together, he walked away from me, and into the arms of another.

I didn’t know how to cope. I didn’t know my worth. I didn’t know how to exist without him by my side.

All I wanted was for him to come back to me.

Then, Jackson Emery appeared.

He was supposed to be a distraction for my mind. A summer fling. A confidence boost to my bruised heart.

We were perfect for one another, because we both knew we wouldn’t last. Jackson didn’t believe in commitment, and I no longer believed in love. He was too closed-off for me, and I was too damaged for him.

Everything was fine, until one night my heart skipped a beat.

I didn’t expect him to make me laugh. To make me think. To make my sadness somewhat disappear.

When our time was up, my heart didn’t know how to walk away.

Each day I prayed for my husband to love me again, yet slowly my prayers began to shift toward the man who wasn’t right for me.

I prayed for one more smile, one more kiss, one more laugh, one more touch…

I prayed for him to be mine.

Even though I knew his heart wasn’t destined to love.

Get a Life Chloe Brown by Talia Hibbert / illustrated cover This has been sitting on my Kindle, haunting me as I hear everyone rave about it and I’m excited to get to it ASAP! I’m really looking forward to the chronic illness rep as well.

Chloe Brown is a chronically ill computer geek with a goal, a plan, and a list. After almost—but not quite—dying, she’s come up with seven directives to help her “Get a Life”, and she’s already completed the first: finally moving out of her glamourous family’s mansion. The next items?

Enjoy a drunken night out. Ride a motorcycle. Go camping. Have meaningless but thoroughly enjoyable sex. Travel the world with nothing but hand luggage. And… do something bad. But it’s not easy being bad, even when you’ve written step-by-step guidelines on how to do it correctly. What Chloe needs is a teacher, and she knows just the man for the job.

Redford ‘Red’ Morgan is a handyman with tattoos, a motorcycle, and more sex appeal than ten-thousand Hollywood heartthrobs. He’s also an artist who paints at night and hides his work in the light of day, which Chloe knows because she spies on him occasionally. Just the teeniest, tiniest bit.

But when she enlists Red in her mission to rebel, she learns things about him that no spy session could teach her. Like why he clearly resents Chloe’s wealthy background. And why he never shows his art to anyone. And what really lies beneath his rough exterior…

The Bromance Book Club (Bromance Book Club #1) by Lyssa Kay Adams / loved by a member of the book community It’s not just one member of the book community that has been raving about this book, I’ve heard SO many people gush about it and I’m so excited to pick it up!

The first rule of book club: You don’t talk about book club.

Nashville Legends second baseman Gavin Scott’s marriage is in major league trouble. He’s recently discovered a humiliating secret: his wife Thea has always faked the Big O. When he loses his cool at the revelation, it’s the final straw on their already strained relationship. Thea asks for a divorce, and Gavin realizes he’s let his pride and fear get the better of him.

Welcome to the Bromance Book Club.

Distraught and desperate, Gavin finds help from an unlikely source: a secret romance book club made up of Nashville’s top alpha men. With the help of their current read, a steamy Regency titled Courting the Countess, the guys coach Gavin on saving his marriage. But it’ll take a lot more than flowery words and grand gestures for this hapless Romeo to find his inner hero and win back the trust of his wife.

  Here are the non-readathon books I’m hoping to read this month:

Rage (Stormheart #2) by Cora Carmack I finished Roar, the first book in this series in January and this book happens to be on Audible Escape, so I’m planning on finishing it.

Princess or adventurer.

Duty or freedom.

Her Kingdom or the Stormhunter she loves.

If Aurora knows anything, it’s that choices have consequences. To set things right, she joins a growing revolution on the streets of Pavan.

In disguise as the rebel Roar, she puts her knowledge of the palace to use to aid the rebellion. But the Rage season is at its peak and not a day passes without the skies raining down destruction. Yet these storms are different—they churn with darkness, and attack with a will that’s desperate and violent.

This feels like more than rage.

It feels like war.

  Call it What You Want by Brigid Kemmerer After reading and falling in love with the first two books in her Cursebreakers series, I decided I really want to give her contemporaries a try!

When his dad is caught embezzling funds from half the town, Rob goes from popular lacrosse player to social pariah. Even worse, his father’s failed suicide attempt leaves Rob and his mother responsible for his care.

Everyone thinks of Maegan as a typical overachiever, but she has a secret of her own after the pressure got to her last year. And when her sister comes home from college pregnant, keeping it from her parents might be more than she can handle.

When Rob and Maegan are paired together for a calculus project, they’re both reluctant to let anyone through the walls they’ve built. But when Maegan learns of Rob’s plan to fix the damage caused by his father, it could ruin more than their fragile new friendship…

This captivating, heartfelt novel asks the question: Is it okay to do something wrong for the right reasons?

  Bringing Down the Duke (A League of Extraordinary Women #1) by Evie Dunmore I’ve heard so many good things about this book – particularly that it is great for people who don’t normally read historical romance. I also happened to get it as my Book of the Month book in Jan.

A stunning debut for author Evie Dunmore and her Oxford Rebels, in which a fiercely independent vicar’s daughter takes on a duke in a fiery love story that threatens to upend the British social order.

England, 1879. Annabelle Archer, the brilliant but destitute daughter of a country vicar, has earned herself a place among the first cohort of female students at the renowned University of Oxford. In return for her scholarship, she must support the rising women’s suffrage movement. Her charge: recruit men of influence to champion their cause. Her target: Sebastian Devereux, the cold and calculating Duke of Montgomery who steers Britain’s politics at the Queen’s command. Her challenge: not to give in to the powerful attraction she can’t deny for the man who opposes everything she stands for.

Sebastian is appalled to find a suffragist squad has infiltrated his ducal home, but the real threat is his impossible feelings for green-eyed beauty Annabelle. He is looking for a wife of equal standing to secure the legacy he has worked so hard to rebuild, not an outspoken commoner who could never be his duchess. But he wouldn’t be the greatest strategist of the Kingdom if he couldn’t claim this alluring bluestocking without the promise of a ring…or could he?

Locked in a battle with rising passion and a will matching her own, Annabelle will learn just what it takes to topple a duke….

  Hunted by Meagan Spooner I feel like I keep almost reading this book, but never quite do. It’s a beauty and the beast retelling and I am always here for those.

Beauty knows the Beast’s forest in her bones—and in her blood. Though she grew up with the city’s highest aristocrats, far from her father’s old lodge, she knows that the forest holds secrets and that her father is the only hunter who’s ever come close to discovering them.

So when her father loses his fortune and moves Yeva and her sisters back to the outskirts of town, Yeva is secretly relieved. Out in the wilderness, there’s no pressure to make idle chatter with vapid baronessas…or to submit to marrying a wealthy gentleman. But Yeva’s father’s misfortune may have cost him his mind, and when he goes missing in the woods, Yeva sets her sights on one prey: the creature he’d been obsessively tracking just before his disappearance.

Deaf to her sisters’ protests, Yeva hunts this strange Beast back into his own territory—a cursed valley, a ruined castle, and a world of creatures that Yeva’s only heard about in fairy tales. A world that can bring her ruin or salvation. Who will survive: the Beauty, or the Beast?

  The Beginning of Everything (The Rising #1)  by Kristen Ashley This is a full-cast narration that I am SO excited for. It’s available on Audible Escape.

From the unparalleled imagination of New York Times best-selling author Kristen Ashley comes an enchanting new audio-first fantasy romance series that will sweep you away!

Once upon a time, in a parallel universe, there existed the continent of Triton. The land was filled with beauty, but it was also splintered by war. Out of the chaos grew a conspiracy to reawaken the Beast, a fearsome creature who wrought only tragedy and devastation. The only way to stop him was to fulfill an ancient prophecy: Triton’s four strongest warriors must wed its four most powerful witches, binding all nations together and finally bringing peace to the land.

This is the story of their unions: the quiet maiden Silence and the savage king Mars. The cold warrior Cassius and the fiery witch Elena. The steadfast soldier True and the banished beauty Farah. And the pirate king Aramus and the mysterious queen Ha-Lah. Their unions will not be easy, but each couple must succeed, for the fate of their world is at stake….

  One True Loves by Taylor Jenkins Reid It’s been a while since I’ve sat down with a Taylor Jenkins Reid novel and this is one of her backlists that a friend of mine recommended.

In her twenties, Emma Blair marries her high school sweetheart, Jesse. They build a life for themselves, far away from the expectations of their parents and the people of their hometown in Massachusetts. They travel the world together, living life to the fullest and seizing every opportunity for adventure.

On their first wedding anniversary, Jesse is on a helicopter over the Pacific when it goes missing. Just like that, Jesse is gone forever.

Emma quits her job and moves home in an effort to put her life back together. Years later, now in her thirties, Emma runs into an old friend, Sam, and finds herself falling in love again. When Emma and Sam get engaged, it feels like Emma’s second chance at happiness.

That is, until Jesse is found. He’s alive, and he’s been trying all these years to come home to her. With a husband and a fiancé, Emma has to now figure out who she is and what she wants, while trying to protect the ones she loves.

Who is her one true love? What does it mean to love truly?

Emma knows she has to listen to her heart. She’s just not sure what it’s saying.

  Heartbreak Warfare by Heather M. Oregeron, Kate Stewart I picked this book up at the recommendation of many people who attended Shameless Book Con, and I’ve heard others talk about it as well. It’s supposed to be super emotional, so if I’m feeling like that kind of romance, I’ll be reaching for this one.

Briggs,

Remember when we parted ways in Germany? It was the day I broke your heart. What you didn’t know was that I was breaking mine too.

I thought they’d be enough–my husband and my son. That I’d get home and everything would go back to the way it was . . .

Before the war. Before the ambush. Before you.

But, no matter how hard I try, I can’t erase the trauma we shared. I can’t seem to forget the way my heart beat in time with yours.

The truth is I’m lost without you.

I thought the nightmare was over when they pulled us from that hole in the ground, but nothing could have prepared me for the war I’d face at home. I know it’s selfish of me to ask, but, please, I have to see you one last time. . .

All my love, Scottie

  The Right Swipe (Modern Love #1) by Alisha Rai I’ve heard a lot of good things about this and I found it on Scribd!

Alisha Rai returns with the first book in her sizzling new Modern Love series, in which two rival dating app creators find themselves at odds in the boardroom but in sync in the bedroom.

Rhiannon Hunter may have revolutionized romance in the digital world, but in real life she only swipes right on her career—and the occasional hookup. The cynical dating app creator controls her love life with a few key rules:

– Nude pics are by invitation only

– If someone stands you up, block them with extreme prejudice

– Protect your heart

Only there aren’t any rules to govern her attraction to her newest match, former pro-football player Samson Lima. The sexy and seemingly sweet hunk woos her one magical night… and disappears.

Rhi thought she’d buried her hurt over Samson ghosting her, until he suddenly surfaces months later, still big, still beautiful—and in league with a business rival. He says he won’t fumble their second chance, but she’s wary. A temporary physical partnership is one thing, but a merger of hearts? Surely that’s too high a risk…

  Passion of Park Ave by Lauren Layne Lauren wrote my all-time favorite Friends-to-Lovers romance: Blurred Lines and everyone has been raving about this series. It’s available on Scribd!

From the author of the New York Times bestselling Stiletto and Oxford series, the first in a sizzling new series following the unlikely friendship of three Upper East Side women as they struggle to achieve their dreams and find true love and happiness in the city that never sleeps.

For as long as she can remember, Bronx-born Naomi Powell has had one goal: to prove her worth among the Upper East Side elite—the same people for which her mom worked as a housekeeper. Now, as the strongminded, sassy CEO of one of the biggest jewelry empires in the country, Naomi finally has exactly what she wants—but it’s going to take more than just the right address to make Manhattan’s upper class stop treating her like an outsider.

The worst offender is her new neighbor, Oliver Cunningham—the grown son of the very family Naomi’s mother used to work for. Oliver used to torment Naomi when they were children, and as a ridiculously attractive adult, he’s tormenting her in entirely different ways. Now they find themselves engaged in a battle-of-wills that will either consume or destroy them…

Filled with charm and heart and plenty of sex and snark, this entertaining series will hook you from the very first page.

  Love from A to Z by S. K. Ali Not gonna lie, I’m a little scared to read this one because there is Multiple Sclerosis rep in it that is supposed to be pretty heartbreaking, and I’m not sure if I can’t quite handle it, but we’ll see.

A marvel: something you find amazing. Even ordinary-amazing. Like potatoes—because they make French fries happen. Like the perfect fries Adam and his mom used to make together.

An oddity: whatever gives you pause. Like the fact that there are hateful people in the world. Like Zayneb’s teacher, who won’t stop reminding the class how “bad” Muslims are.

But Zayneb, the only Muslim in class, isn’t bad. She’s angry.

When she gets suspended for confronting her teacher, and he begins investigating her activist friends, Zayneb heads to her aunt’s house in Doha, Qatar, for an early start to spring break.

Fueled by the guilt of getting her friends in trouble, she resolves to try out a newer, “nicer” version of herself in a place where no one knows her.

Then her path crosses with Adam’s.

Since he got diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in November, Adam’s stopped going to classes, intent, instead, on perfecting the making of things. Intent on keeping the memory of his mom alive for his little sister.

Adam’s also intent on keeping his diagnosis a secret from his grieving father.

Alone, Adam and Zayneb are playing roles for others, keeping their real thoughts locked away in their journals.

Until a marvel and an oddity occurs…

Marvel: Adam and Zayneb meeting.

Oddity: Adam and Zayneb meeting.

        February TBR/Reading List: including #contemporaryathon picks! Happy Almost-February everyone! It's time for another one of my TBRs which is really just a 'suggested list of books I may or may not read,' because I'm such a moody reader.

[breezy-cheezy]

Alright, HERE we go! Awhile ago I had an idea for a MP100/Voltron crossover, and after mentioning it to @x-i-l-verify​ and loooots of brainstorming later, we have...*gestures vaguely* this. These are more or less screenshot redraws just to kind of get across who is who. :) More info, reasonings and musings under the cut, because well...it got long...

Teru’s Role: Shiro (Black Paladin)

A year ago, Teruki Hanazawa (around his early twenties in this universe) was chosen for an exploration mission to Kerberos. 

Teru was always at the top of his class at the Galaxy Garrison and took the job proudly. He believed he was something special, and it was only right he would be selected for such a prestigious mission. 

Then he and his small team got kidnapped by an alien race: an empire called Claw. 

He was forced into slavery, forced to fight, to kill, just to survive. 

Somewhere along the way, Teru lost his arm. Some time and excruciating experiments later, he had a new one. It made killing easier. 

He hates it.

After being forced to endure and commit horrors unimaginable for so long, Teruki Hanazawa realized (you’re horrible, no one is coming to save you, no one cares about you) that he was rather insignificant in the grand scheme of the universe. Being treated like dirt for a year would do that to a guy.

By the time he managed to escape and make it back to Earth, Teru saw himself as nothing more than a commoner. 

When the time came for him to lead Voltron, Teru could think of no one less qualified or deserving to pilot the Black Lion than himself. But someone had to do it...

Tome’s Role: Pidge (Green Paladin)

Tome always believed there was something more out there in the stars. She knew there were aliens out there, and she wanted to find them for herself. 

Tome believed joining the Galaxy Garrison would be just the way to do it. 

There she could train to reach for the stars, not to mention she was able to find suspicious extraterrestrial hints along the way. 

She’s pretty tech savvy in this AU because she had the proper drive, resources and training (not as good as Pidge, but still pretty much the group techie).

Further out in the desert, there’s a particular cave covered in strange lion markings that she took interest in...luckily there was a shack nearby where she could frequently visit and organize her findings. 

Through a bizarre series of events, Tome finally made it to space.

By the time Tome finally discovered real aliens, she couldn’t be happier.

 She just never would have expected how big a role she would have in a massive intergalactic alien war, fighting as the Green Paladin of Voltron.

Shou’s Role: Keith (Red Paladin)

This one’s the most iffy but here we go

Shou is the son of the big boss of Claw in canon, ergo he’s the Emperor's son in this AU. He has no idea about it though.

Shou’s mother, one of Emporor Touicirou’s consorts, began to fear for her unborn son’s life and fled the Claw empire (with the help of this AU’s equivalent of the Blade of Mamora, probably the 7th division crew?? They did defect in canon so...). Shou was born on a far away planet called Earth, and his mother used alien technology to safely disguise them both.

His mother passed away when he was very young. Shou can’t remember what she looks like. All he has left of her is a little knife with a strange symbol on it (subject to change).

Years later, Shou’s adoptive parents enroll him in the Galaxy Garrison, hoping the strict schooling will discipline their mischievous, troublesome child.  

Shou is absolutely bored at the Garrison. He is an extremely gifted pilot though.

He sees Tome sneaking around the school sometimes and figures she’s up to no good. He wants in.

Shou and Tome end up searching for aliens together; Shou more because it’s fun and not really having any particular interest in aliens, Tome not knowing that an alien already befriended her (it’s not like he knows either).

Serizawa’s Role: Hunk (Yellow Paladin)

Seri’s still plagued with severe social anxiety, but there are no psychic powers in this AU so he never felt the need to isolate himself to protect others.

Serizawa is a chef in the Garrison cafeteria. This way he has minimal social interaction while still being a positive contributor to society.

This doesn’t stop Reigen from singling him out. 

Reigen believes Serizawa makes the best takoyaki around, and kinda takes the guy under his wing after that.

Serizawa suddenly finds himself with a friend to eat lunch with. He’s kind of freaked out by this and thinks it’s a one time fluke, but Reigen keeps coming back and keeps talking to him. Seri quickly warms up to this strange but friendly man.

In order to help Serizawa more with his social anxiety, Reigen has him come sit in on some of his classes once in awhile. Seri ends up as a sort of unofficial Teacher’s Assistant.

Seri’s always terrified the students will hate him and he always brings snacks for the class.

He really has nothing to worry about though. The kids love Serizawa.

Reigen’s Role: Lance (Blue Paladin)

Reigen is a teacher at the Galaxy Garrison, so I guess he’s actually “Shishou” this time around lol.

He teaches history or English or something, since I do see the Garrison as more of a university/school of sorts (Hunk did mention a “principal” in the show), and Reigen wouldn’t be able to handle being a drill sergeant (the guy wouldn’t have the heart to yell at kids all day).

As mentioned before, Reigen noticed Serizawa struggling with anxiety, and one day took it upon himself to kinda help and mentor him.

One day on the way out from working, Reigen and Serizawa catch two students sneaking out of the building past curfew. 

They follow Tome and Shou out to their little alien research base, and Reigen confronts them.

Right as Reigen is about to reprimand the kids, a meteor crashes to Earth. Shou and Tome run off to investigate, stealing a hoverbike in the process. As the closest authority figures, Reigen and Serizawa follow and end up as chaperones of sorts for these reckless kids.

Reigen is the true Space Dad in this AU (sorry Teru :P).

Things proceed pretty much as canon Voltron episode 1 from there: they find Teru in the landing site (Tome: “An alien?!” Shou: “Nah, isn’t he that jerk that was always at the top of our class...?” Reigen: “He’s still a kid, and we’re getting him out of here, let’s GO.”), rescue him and regroup back at Tome’s conspiracy shack, the accidental discovery of Blue Lion, Reigen waltzing in and accidentally ending up as her paladin, the crazy flight and wormhole to the castleship (*points to my first picture at the top lol*), the discovery of the “last Alteans in the universe” in cryopods...which leads to...

Mob’s Role: Allura (can pilot all lions, Yellow is his favorite)

Mob is a Prince and was next in line for the throne. Now that he and Ritsu are apparently the last Alteans alive, he’s not sure what to make of it.

He was always insecure and even scared of his impending kingship, or leading in general. He has been trained thoroughly for the role as he grew up, so he’s a more capable and levelheaded guide than canon Mob would be.

He still speaks quite softly, but there is always an earnest strength in his tone that makes others stop and listen instead of talking over him.

Mob is weaker than most Alteans (due to some chronic illness like his anemia from canon) but that doesn’t mean he still can’t fight or throw a person across the room. He’s still very strong by human standards.

He still would prefer to use words instead of physically fighting in any conflict.

Mob is in his early twenties in Earth years, about Teru’s age of mental maturity (sorry he still looks so young in the picture...). They end up bonding over their insecurities in leadership.

Mob also bonds with Serizawa in having natural affinities for Yellow Lion.

The space mice may or may not be small alien cats instead in this AU, not sure.

Mob stumbles out of the Cryopod, dazed and confused. He quickly takes on his role as a guide for the Paladins, and does his absolute best to help them learn to pilot their lions and form Voltron.

Ristu’s Role: Coran (can pilot all lions, doesn’t really have a preference)

Ritsu is Mob’s half brother in this AU. We took some artistic liberties in this, having this make Ritsu as more of a servant/bodyguard to the royal family than as an actual heir (hello, inferiority complex from canon...).

Mob always treated Ritsu like family nonetheless. Ritsu does care about Mob a great deal and guards him with his life.

He’s more around Shou’s and Tome’s age in mental maturity.

Ritsu is...intense for an Altean. He kinda scares everyone a little bit (except for Mob, who’s lived with him as long as he can remember, and Teru, who’s already Seen It All and can’t really be phased by much anymore;;;;; )

Very jumpy. Even more than canon since I imagine being a bodyguard leaves you more on edge than not.

Came out of the Pod fighting like Coran did, and probably took longer to calm down. 

He is also the “drill sergeant” in their Voltron training exercises (wiping the floor with everyone and being Mr. Drill Sargent Nasty: "No, Brother, I'm not going too hard on them! Claw isn't going to defeat itself! SHOU GET YOUR ASS BACK IN HERE I SEE YOU TRYING TO SNEAK OUT, DROP AND GIVE ME THIRTY." -thank you for that Xi <3)

Mob brings the juice pouches and guides the quieter, trust building exercises like the maze and mental lions. He is also there to make sure Ritsu doesn’t run the Paladins and himself into the ground.

Mob and Ritsu balance each other rather well in guiding the paladins, actually.

Shou at some point gets it in his head that Ritsu is just a stick in the mud and needs to be befriended. Ritsu’s not too pleased by this, but then eventually does mellow out by some miracle.

In fact, he does grow rather fond of this odd band of humans, and starts thinking that maybe, maybe, his brother really is right in thinking they might be capable of saving the universe...

....well that’s super long for a set-up post, but hey, might as well put the ideas down where I can :’) More to come...probably....

[amorphousalien]

So, not that literally anyone cares, but here's the deal with that person that was harassing me all week. Waay back in the good ol days of mid 2015 (sarcasm, fuck 2015)- I was experiencing a lot of really intense, frequent Rick shifts that were making me near catatonically depressed and dissociated. After seeing the season 2 finale, they just got worse. So I opted to unfollow all the r/n/m blogs I was following, stay out of the tags, stop looking canonmates, etc pretty much everything but actually taking Rick off my kinlist because I wasn't coping with it well and I needed to take a break. I even put on several pages of my blog that I did not want /anyone/ kin from ric/kandmorty contacting me because at the time it was basically a trigger. Then I start getting messages fromsomeome kin with M/orty, asking to talk to me, compare memories, etc. I told them I didn't want to talk to anyone, that it was triggering, etc. I accidentally posted one of their asks publically instead of privately, because mobile sux, and wound up getting a slew of TERRIFYING messages from them saying shit like "How could you do this to me?? I trusted you!! You exposed us!! How could you do this why would you do this to us?? I'm going to have to delete my tumblr because of you, how could you do this, we trusted you!" I panicked, deleted the ask, apologized profusely, and was generally successfully guilt tripped into allowing this person to continue messaging me and probing me for information about my Rick kintype. For maybe 6 months, they continued talking to me. I would ignore them for as long as I could, but eventually caved and replied to them out of boredom or fear, or they'd send me a slew of guilt trippy messages apologizing for bothering me, saying they were such an awful person, they always did this, everyone hates them etc etc etc. After 6 months, I was accepted to Job Corps and told them I was leaving for school and would have no internet access until I graduated. About four months into school l, my parents bought me a phone and were paying for my service. I logged back into tumblr to find about twenty "Hey"s and "Hi"s and "Oh my god I'm so sorry I know you hate me I just don't know what to do I'm so awful I'm sorry for bothering you"s in my messages from them. I told them I was in school and wouldn't have time to message them very often. I wanted them to just leave me alone, but I didn't want to be outright mean and they weren't taking the hint that I didn't want to talk to them. Or maybe they were and that's why they'd send me that guilt trippy bullshit every few weeks. And unfortunately I was an anxious wreck having just escaped multiple physically, memtally, emotionally, and sexually abusive relationships at this point. So I was easily manipulated and desperate for friendship. Which they knew. I'd mentioned it briefly and had vented about it multiple times on my kin blog. Anywho. I came back from school after about 6 months. Tumblr had dome some weird update and I couldn't log into my account anymore (except from my ipad where I was still logged in). I remade my account and directed everyone to my new kin blog (this one). I'd kinda forgotten about them at this point, but when I remade my blog they started messaging me again. I was pretty worn down and still pretty desperate for friends. I was recovering from the depressive Rick shifts and started talking to them more and more about our canons, and eventually decided we were canonmates. By the time we'd 'known' each other for about a year, they'd mentioned to me multiple times that they were living in an abusive situation and needed to get out. Three things about that last sentence. 1. *Known: Our entire relationship was one of us (mostly them) messaging the other every few days, or even every couple of weeks, to say "Hey"-"Hi"-"How are you"-"Fine, you?"-"I'm ok" and then maybe they'd complain (extremely vaguely) about something going on at home. 2. Everything they said about their abuse was extremely vague. The most detail I could ever get was that the house they were living in was not being maintained and there was never any food. Which they blamed on their parents despite being a 20 year old adult. 3. I'd spent hours trying to give them help getting out. I looked up resource centers in their area, homeless shelters, disability, food stamps, offered to write their resume for them, etc etc etc. I was practically offering to do everything for them to get them on their feet, and they shot down my advice every single time. Around 11 months into our friendship, they told me they couldn't take being there anymore and they were going to run away. They didn't know where they were going, didn't care, kept talking about being homeless and living on the streets to get away from where they were now. So I told them to come to Colorado (where I live) so I could at least offer help in person. November of 2016, they bought a bus ticket and came to Colorado. I picked them up and took them to my apartment (a three bedroom townhouse I shared with three roommates. They were all upstairs, I lived in a sectioned off half-room behind the living room). At the time, I was working 40 hours a week at a thrift store making about 9$/h. This job was not only tearing my already chronically ill body apart, but was also causing weekly psychotic episodes and mental breakdowns. I was 3000$ in debt with my roommates. My rent was 400$/month and I was making maybe 700$/month. Even so. I was using all of my spare money feeding them, buying them a tracphone and service, toiletries, clothes, etc etc Despite how much I was spending on them, they were still asking for more food, expensive food, cigarettes, alcohol, and weed. And if I didn't say yes, they'd spiral into depressive episodes, hiding either in my room, the living room, or the bathroom, and cry. And then ask again twenty minutes later. Over. And over again. Until I said yes. They talked 24/7. Literally. 24/7. From the SECOND I came home from work til I went to bed. And frequently came into my room multiple times throughout the night to ask for cigarettes and weed. Despite the fact that I had to wake up at 6am for work. It got to the point where, despite being in constant physical pain and despite the mental break downs, I was volunteering for overtime at work every single day to afford to keep them fed and to just fucking avoid their non stop talking and guilt tripping. And this was not non stop conversing. It was non stop THEM talking. I didn't exist. I could not get a word in. They didn't expect me to reply except for an occasional "Isn't that funny/weird?" or "Do you ever do that that??". I basically clocked out mentally any time I was home. I wasn't a person to them. I was just expected to listen quietly to their thousand and one stories. I already made posts back when this started about what happened while they lived with me, so I'm not gonna go into any more detail. I don't remember most of it anyways. It was such an incredibly stressful point in my life, I developed a new alter in my system. I was rarely fronting. It was so bad, the alter that /never/ fronts, had to take over to deal with what was happening. This person has been stalking me from the second they found my blog, and five months after I kicked them out and blocked them, they're still stalking me. I had to install an ip tracker on my blog. They were checking my blog damn near 20 times a day and sending me 10 or more messages every day. I barely posted half of what I got. I was even so desperate as to text their mom to beg for help. I wanted this to end before it started. I never wanted to know them. I want nothing to do with them. I don't want to be dealing with this. I am an asocial agoraphobic shut-in. I don't want any part of this. I don't care what happens to them. I don't care what happens to Rain or Darcy or the 'KuroNekoClan'. All I was is for this to be over. I want to be left alone. I want to finish repressing everything about them. I want them to completely disappear from my memory. I have never hated nor been so terrified of someone as I am in regards to this person. I'm gonna go back to radio silence on this blog for a few more days just to be sure they're not still checking it. Everyone can still PM and I'll still reply to asks, but I'm not gonna be posting on here til I feel safe.

[plumbobbunny]

Hi everyone, January was not a great month for me and my buns. Saturday the 6th was a really happy day, it was the day I brought home a new edition to my little family of two bunnies, a little 7.5 week old Netherland dwarf whom I named Arlo. My bonded pair Peanut (neutered male) and Clover (spayed female) are the absolute loves of my life, Peanut is my emotional support animal and this angel came into my life as I was on the verge of committing suicide after battling with multiple chronic illnesses. I’d been planning on getting another bunny for a few months by that time, and was completely prepared and ready for a new edition. That night bringing him home was as normal as any other night, Arlo was in a separate cage and was busy binkying and exploring his new space, my other two babies had no inkling of a new bunny invading their territory. They were too busy cuddling and munching on fresh hay, acting their completely beautiful selves and I went to bed with no suspicion of the chaos that would await me the next day. Waking up at 8:30am I went straight to my bunnies to check on how Arlo went his first night at home, he was completely fine and happy. I then started to greet Peanut and Clover and started to pat Peanut on his head as he was loafing against the bars (they have a three storey cc cage). In that moment I didn’t really notice anything odd, until Peanut tried to get up but fell back down as he was noticeably weak, he couldn’t move his limbs very well. I completely shut down and in a panic ran to wake my mum up so that we could race to the vet. Mum observed him and freaked out as we both watched him try to get up and then end up laying down looking like he was having a seizure, in a frenzy mum grabbed some scissors to cut apart their cage while I was sobbing trying to reach him through their little door, she finally cut it open and I immediately scooped him up and placed him on my bed as I got dressed while my mum rang our local vet. Unfortunately the vet there today knew nothing about rabbits. I sat in the room with him just crying and holding him as my mum and the vet, receptionists etc rang every vet clinic that was open on a Sunday and knew anything about rabbits. Everybody was closed. We had no choice but to drive to a 24 hour vet hospital 20 minutes away and pray that the vet on staff could help. We got there and they took him straight in, the vet luckily had treated rabbits before but couldn’t tell us exactly what was wrong with him. They gave him fluids and took some blood tests and we had to go home and wait for them to call us in a few hours. Honestly the rest of the day is a blur of tears for me, they rang us back and the blood results showed an extremely high level of lactase and high glucose but other than that everything else was normal, she was pretty worried about the high lactase and was going to retest bloods later on after he’d been on fluids and syringing critical care. We range again at 11pm and then 7am the next day. The lactase went down but he was still paralysed. We drove back to the vet to visit him at 10am and I just burst into tears seeing him like that. He looked so much worse 😢 he was completely still except for his mouth spitting out critical care. I stayed with him for over an hour hugging and kissing him but managed to drag myself back out. We then got a call ten minutes later saying that Peanut had passed away after we left, my whole world just came crashing down around me. It felt like my chest was caving in and that a part of me died with him. On top of losing him, I was hit with a $1600 bill for 24 hours of care. I’m 19 years old, I don’t earn that kind of money from disability pensions, I had to borrow from my parents. Watching Clover grieve her soulmate has been the most heartbreaking experience. She no longer lets me touch her or come near her, she was constantly digging or laying in Peanut’s favourite spot. Peanut would’ve been 2 this coming June, and they had been bonded since he was 8 months old. In between grieving for my best friend, I was constantly worried about Clover. She didn’t stop eating but it was the social aspect I was concerned for. She has always been a very skittish bunny. She has never liked it when people came up to her or picked her up since I got her when she was 6-7 weeks old. Peanut brought her out of her shell, he was a very outgoing bunny and loved when people would pat him and cuddle him. Clover was from a backyard breeder and lived in terrible conditions so that could play a part in it, I took Clover and I also took her sister, Oreo, in September 2014. Watching Clover grieve I came up with the idea, a week after Peanuts death, of going into my local RSPCA and adopting a male bunny so that I could try bonding her again since she thrives so much on bunny company. In came Oregano (now known as Bear). He was an overweight albino mini lop and looked completely miserable. I put him on hold and came back and adopted him the next day. Right from the start I knew something wasn’t right, he didn’t eat much of the veggies I gave him (kale, bok choy, fennel, mint etc) and barely ate any hay. However, his stomach was HUGE! I knew that if he was “overweight” he would at the very least be hooking into the veggies. I took him to the vet after waiting a few days to see if he improved. He didn’t. His poops were smaller than Arlo’s, a 10 week old nethie, and he still wasn’t eating right. The vet felt his tummy and agreed with me that something wasn’t right, it was just hard to tell if he was obstructed or not without X-rays, to start him off she gave him a shot of penicillin (just in case), an opioid shot, intravenous fluids, 0.5ml of ranitidine twice a day to get him moving and some critical care for me to syringe feed him. Well, later that night was a complete disaster. As soon as I got home I gave him the medicine and critical care, my nan was holding him and stroking him for 30-45 minutes while I cleaned out his cage, when I put him back in his cage he went over and ate a pellet and then jumped into his litter box when he started moving his head forwards and back, I knew rabbits don’t have a gag reflex so I immediately panicked as he started making dry retching sounds and dribbling out of his mouth. This was one of the scariest moments of my life seeing him like this, I thought he was dying right in front of me, we ended up driving back to the 24 hour vet because it was the only one open at 9pm. By the time we got there he had stopped gagging and his breathing had returned to normal, they put him on oxygen to be safe and listened to his lungs just in case there was anything that went in. He was given the all clear and to continue his medication and speak to my vet tomorrow morning. Two days later I’m panicked and crying at the emergency vet AGAIN but this time with CLOVER!! I felt a large abscess under her chin yesterday and knew immediately it was dental issues. I had been through this before with two previous buns, one being Oreo. She ended up dying at 1.5 years old from dental issues, so I knew there was going to be a risk that it could be genetics and that Clover could be at risk. Shes 4 this year in August but it’s finally caught up to her 😞 there was a 15% increase in emergency consult prices, altogether it was $320, because it was Australia Day and we ended up getting meloxicam and baytril just to keep her comfortable until we saw our normal vet the next day. As I suspected, Clovers teeth are most likely infected and she needs surgery, possibly multiple surgeries, that cost $1500!!!! Clover had the surgery 5 weeks ago and is doing really well but she’s going to need another one very soon and I have no idea what to do and Bear also cost another $155 to get more fluids, meds, glucose test etc, and is and is going to need an X-ray which she said was a few hundred dollars. All up I’m around 4 grand in debt to my family from vet bills. These bunnies keep me going and I have had no other choice but to start a gofundme. I know right now things are tough, but please please please consider donating, no amount is too little or even sharing this would help. These bunnies keep me going and I just want to be the best bunmum I can be for them. Please consider donating no amount is too little and please reblog so I can get the word around ❤️

[ssteezyy]

Ask the Vet With Dr. Kris: Dr. Kris Answers March’s Questions

In February, we launched our new “Ask the Vet With Dr. Kris” segment. Once a month, we’ll post a reminder for you to post your questions for Dr. Kris. He’ll answer as many of them as he can each month, and I’ll publish his answers in a subsequent post.

Dr. Kristopher Chandroo is a veterinarian, scientist, photographer, animal welfare advocate, and creator of Stress to Success (STS): The Essential Guide to Medicating Your Feisty, Grumpy or Reluctant Cat.  Dr. Kris wants  your cats to be twenty years old. And counting! And he wants to provide medication and therapy to them in a way that respects the bond between cat and human.

Here are Dr. Kris’ answers to some of your questions asked in March. If your question didn’t get answered here, Dr. Kris will answer them on his own website, in the future. Subscribe to his updates so you’ll be notified when the answers are published.

Cat defecating outside the litter box

My fiance wants to get rid of my 17 year old male cat Ruford because he has resorted to defecating by the door of his “man cave.” I have had Ruford for 12 years as I adjusted to life alone. The vet ran the whole gamut of tests when he had diarrhea, and everything was negative and normal. The conclusion was IBS, and he takes probiotics with his canned food treat at night. He drinks well and eats better now. He even plays more with the other 2 cats (female). He clings to me when I get home from work (especially if I am hurting), and stays with me. I love Ruford and am fighting to keep him despite his crapping at the man cave door. (He will sometimes use Bella’s puppy pads to poop, but he always only uses the litter box to pee.) Please help us! Ruford is special, and I want to keep him until it’s his time… (Julie Blaskie)

Dr. Kris:

Hi Julie!

Let’s talk about your cat. Then about your fiancé.

We have 3 things to fix.

Many times our cats hide what is happening on the inside. They hide their problems.

They do things we don’t understand, and hide things all the time.

But not Ruford. He’s telling you what the problem is. He’s speaking in clear terms, and saying it very loud.

He pee’s in the box, but poops outside of it. But he’ll poop on the puppy pads.

How a cat pee’s in the box is different than how they poop in the box. The pressure on their back, hips, legs and feet are all different when they poop.

When you have a 17 years old cat, that pee’s in the box, but not poop, it’s often because it hurts when they poop in the box. They are arthritic, and they avoid the litter box.

They don’t have to limp. They don’t have to howl or cry in pain. It doesn’t matter if they pooped in the box just fine before and now they don’t. It doesn’t matter if their X-rays look normal. They will still eat and drink and be arthritic. They can still have their normal personality and be arthritic or in pain. They can still poop in the box on their better days, but look to poop elsewhere on their bad days.

You didn’t mention what type of pain you have Julie, but you don’t have to. Maybe it’s physical, maybe it’s something else. I don’t need to know which one.

But you know those days when you hurt?

Anyone with chronic pain knows what it’s like.

Other people might not have a clue based on how you look on the outside. But you know what you feel on the inside. And they have no idea what it takes just to keep going. Just to stay functioning on the outside. When your inside is on fire.

So you gotta look into 3 things.

A) Assess your cat for arthritis and treat it.

B) Reversing Litter Box Aversion (it’s what happens when they don’t like the box anymore).

C) Help the fiancé.

What did we say about cats earlier? Many times our cats hide what is happening on the inside. They hide their problems. They do things we don’t understand.

Well, us guys are the same.

“Get rid of the cat” could mean:

“I’m feeling disrespected that the cat is @#$# next to my favorite place in the house”. “I always tell you that there is poop here but you don’t do anything about it”. “I think he’s doing it for spite – the cat doesn’t like me and it’s my house too” “I had a cat that did that once, and he had a bad disease or I couldn’t fix it myself so I don’t want to even go there”.

There isn’t anything wrong about feeling this way.

But these are emotional responses, and not technical responses.

So you could tell him that Ruford is arthritic and he has litter box aversion, but he might not respond to that. Those are just the technical reasons of why he is pooping outside the man cave.

But you could tell him about the people that don’t understand you when you are hurting. The world can be very unkind to people with chronic pain. “Why don’t you just get over it” people can say. “Just pull up your bootstraps and if you just try and have willpower you will get better”.

Doesn’t work that way, does it?

Ruford is the same. He can’t just pull up his bootstraps and make it better.

He needs a world where people understand what he is going through.

And if not you and your fiancé, then who?

Because this is what we have to do in life.

When one of us gets weak, we need the other to help us.

We need people to put up with our BS, yet still want to be around us.

Tell him that you think you found the answer, and while it will take a bit of time to fix, there is a great chance this will get better if the arthritis and litter box aversion is managed.

Tell your fiancé that he’s special, and that we also want to keep him until his time….so the cat should stay, right?

Good Luck!

Aggressive Siamese bites to get attention

Hi Dr. Kris… I have a 3 year old female Siamese cat who is quite aggressive. This has been an issue since I got her at 8 weeks old. She will bite without warning, meaning that she goes for blood right away, there is no warning nibble. She is quite independent yet seems to crave attention and she will resort to biting to get attention.

I do play with her several times a day; her favourite game is hunting for mouse/bird. She does not like to be pet (or touched) but will lie on my lap when I’m watching TV. In some ways, she seems to take pleasure in making me her prey. I take her out on a leash in the summer months and that seems to help. I can’t take her to the vet without giving her Gabapentin because she is so aggressive. Even though the vet will eventually have her way with her, I worry that this is making the problem worse. And it’s also difficult for me to examine her/brush her, never mind brushing her teeth.

Overall, she seems to be quite nervous and anxious but with a strong personality. She also reacts negatively to pheromones, which is unusual from what I’ve read. I also tried Zylkene in her food. For the time being, Bach flower remedies seem to help somewhat but I’d like to do more so that she can be calmer and more relaxed. I don’t really want to give her Prozac but I might have to consider it. (Suzanne)

Dr. Kris:

I’m always impressed when I meet people like you, Suzanne. Despite the bite wounds, your cat can still be found at the end of a leash as she’s out in the summer with you. And even if things aren’t ideal, you still want to make her happy.

That is pretty special.

Since she’s been to the vet a few times, I’ll assume that medically she’s fine, with no physical issue or illness that is driving her behaviour.

You will get a lot of opinions about what to do here, and not everyone is going to understand what it’s like to have a cat like your girl. That there isn’t just a quick fix. So, how do you filter through all the information and opinions, and figure out the plan of action that she is requesting?

Here are my top three things to try:

1) Reduce trial and error, and talk to an behavior expert.

Sometimes you only have so long to change these behavioral problems. Often because the owner of the cat is at their limits by the time they come see me in the clinic.

So I want to minimize the trial and error.

We want lots of signals, and as little noise as possible.

So I like to involve people like Mikel Delgado. Mikel is a feline behavior expert that I am thrilled to be working with. Someone like Mikel gets it. She knows that your cat is an individual, and your situation is unique, so the answers you need must be customized to you.

She’s seen a million furry faces, and she’s rocked them all (I don’t know if she’ll like the Bon Jovi reference, though – ha).

I showed her your question, and Mikel says:

“Suzanne, it sounds like you are doing a great job at providing your kitty with interactive playtime. I can think of a few other things that might help with the aggressive behaviors.

First of all, clicker training can be a great way to get cats used to basic husbandry procedures. The way I see it, is if animal handlers at the zoo can train lions to open their mouths for an oral exam, we should be able to train our cats to as well. There are some great resources out there on training cats, including Sarah Ellis and John Bradshaw’s excellent book The Trainable Cat, and Karen Pryor’s website, clickertraining.com.

Your kitty is still pretty young and very active, so anything you can do to give her additional enrichment would be great. This might mean food puzzles, a bird feeder to watch, plenty of vertical space, and some of the “automatic” toys – I really like the Hexbug Nano Cat Toy.

Finally, I wonder if she might do better with a veterinarian who does house calls?”

I like how Mikel compares our guys to training lions. It’s the same thing when we’ve got to train them to take medication – once you find out how, it is very possible!

Next step:

2) Address the elephant sitting on her chest. If you and your vet think she’s anxious, treat the anxiety. People with anxiety can feel like this: http://ift.tt/2nyOvQE

So we never let treatment with medication be the last resort. You’ve got to get the elephant off her chest so her world view can change. Literally.

3) It will take at least several tries with everything to get it right. So keep on trying.

So you know those summer walks you two go on? Would love to see a picture of your Siamese out enjoying herself in the grass. Let us know how things go!

Cat with resorptive dental disease

Hello. My 14 yr. old female Siamese mix cat had dental work done last year and it was discovered that she had resorption of some dental roots. I was hoping you could shed some light on this subject. The vet didn’t have much info to offer. My cat has had asthma for several years and I successfully treat it with Fluticasone Proprionate twice a day. I was wondering if the steroid contributes to this problem, is this hereditary, an anomaly, what? She is at the vet now for dental cleaning as she has gingivitis and I am waiting to hear that the resorption is a repeat culprit. Thanks. (Darlene Bloomer)

Ingrid:

Darlene, I’m sure Dr. Kris will answer this, but I wanted to give you this information, because your comment that your vet didn’t have much info to offer really disturbed me. Here’s more information on tooth resorption: http://ift.tt/1OOVT1D

If you’ve been following our blog, you’ve probably seen my recent posts about going through this with my Ruby. If not, here’s the link to our experience with this disease: http://ift.tt/2m0QVds

Dr. Kris:

Hi Darlene!

I really like the advice in the two links that Ingrid has provided.

So, we all know that people can get cavities. Tartar and gingivitis. Or abscesses.

All the usual stuff.

The usual stuff for cats is different.

Tooth resorption is different.

You have a good question. Why does my cat have this.

The answer is a crappy one.

It’s Stuff we don’t know + Likely a variety of causes = Inflammation infiltration.

I’m sure at some point or another, viruses, food and genetics have all been implicated. Never heard or seen fluticasone as being a cause.

It will make your head spin.

And also your cat’s, because at the end of the day, it’s your cat sitting there with a painful mouth. It can be mild, or really awful pain that they experience.

Your vet might not have much to say about the cause, but should have plenty to say about the treatment.

You know how people go twice a year to the dentist?

I wish I could treat my cats the same way. Of course it’s more complicated that that.

Vigilant monitoring, and then treat them based on what the dental X-rays look like and how our cat’s are responding.

Good luck!

Cat wanders and yowls at night, cats won’t accept foster cat

Hello! My 1.5 year old tabby, tortie mix of some sort, wanders around at night and yowls! Every night, it sounds like she is lost. If I go downstairs and grab her and snuggle her and bring her to bed, she jumps off and goes right back at it. What is she doing? Is she sick? Wondering if I should make a trip to the vet or not.

I also have one more question! I am currently fostering a kitty that I would really love to adopt, but my girl and boy cat WILL NOT accept him. It has been three weeks of slow integration, and they still hiss and growl and swat. I purchased the Feliway products, original and Multicat, and have placed three around the house but to no avail. What else can I do? Am I doomed to never get another cat? Thank you! (Stephanie)

Dr. Kris:

I’m gonna start with your second question.

Getting another cat is sometimes like getting a new roommate. Sometimes they move in, and you discover even more reasons that you really can’t get along with this person. Maybe there isn’t any one thing you can point to, but at the end of the day, you just tolerate them. You’re never going to be best of friends. Sometimes it’s one specific problem. Like their tolerance of unwashed dishes doesn’t match up with yours. Sometimes though, it’s not them. It’s their boyfriend who is always over. He uses all the hot water in the shower and that sucks. I’ve been that boyfriend.

Your home, preferences, previous experiences with strangers, tolerances and baggage all play a role in how well you do with the people you live with.

With cats it’s the same thing. Yes, you hear about people quickly introducing a new kitty to the house, with no problems. Best buddies. Pictures of them snuggling on Facebook. I’ve had roommates I’ve gotten along with great from the get go.

But you never see the Facebook posts when it doesn’t work out, and one of those kitties has to go. Like one of the houses I stayed at when I lived in Vancouver Island…I lasted 3 weeks and then I had to find somewhere new.

I asked Mikel, my behavioral expert at felineminds.com to comment. Here is what she said:

“Regarding the cat introduction, well, cat introductions are complicated, and in some cases can take months. The best thing you can do is prevent fights, and keep them separated while starting a slow, controlled introduction – usually by using a baby gate or screen door to allow the cats to see each other but not touch, which pairing the exposure with something positive like treats or playtime on either side of that barrier. Over time, you can increase their exposure, but if they are hissing and swatting, you are rushing the process. Unfortunately, we have to introduce cats on their schedule, not ours.

Some cats cannot be integrated into the home, and some situations will require more time and management. But many cats can be integrated, it just takes a lot more than Feliway. With difficult introductions, I always recommend hiring a qualified behavior consultant sooner rather than later!”

It’s very possible that you can have another cat live with your group.

Gonna need to give it some time.

And if there is baggage, some effort.

And if they hiss and swat, it’s too early.

P.S. Mikel also said this: “Stephanie, it sounds like your kitty is a little too awake at night. Some cats do “get lost” at night and howl, but that is more common in older cats who are experiencing some sort of sensory decline. Assuming that your cat is healthy, you should try to get her more on your sleep schedule. A lengthy play session in the early evening, followed by a meal shortly before your bedtime will help her sleep more through the night. You also have to ignore her howling – when you get up and bring her back to bed, you are inadvertently rewarding her with attention, which means the howling will continue night after night!”

20-year-old cat lost a lot of weight in one month

My 20 yr old female indoor cat has lost a lot of weight in one month. I’m feeding her small meals throughout the day. I’m retired & have limited funds. I’ve started giving her cat vitamins from a tube daily. What could be the problem? (P. Vilas)

It’s ok if you don’t have a lot of money to figure out what is going on with your cat.

The vet’s in Cuba do this all the time. They do the GGE. Good history + Good physical exam + Experienced vet = a lot of things that can be done at lower cost.

Let’s assume you had 60 to 80 dollars to spend.

This will get you a physical exam in most places.

Most of the time, if I’m able to have a really thorough conversation with a person (called the medical history), and combine that with a really good physical exam, I should have a reasonable short list of what the problem could be, and what can be tried to help.

Look at this PDF I found: http://ift.tt/2orFehp Look under the physical exam process. See all that? That is massive amounts of information that a proper history and exam can give you. MASSIVE.

I can figure all that stuff out in 5 minutes or less. An experienced vet will have a flow. Hands on is a must. All of those factors flowing through the brain as my hands, eyes, stethoscope go over their body. I’m comparing your cat to thousands of other cats as I do this, and my brain is like a radar looking for anything that doesn’t fit.

So, start there.

Be present and make sure it’s a thorough exam. Remember, an experienced vet can check those pages of info off in their head quickly. So it’s not speed you are looking for really, it’s can they answer as many questions as you can pepper them with, based on the physical exam.

Rapid weight loss is your cat’s inability to hide some type of illness.

In a 20-year-old cat, it’s often more than one thing that contributes to the weight loss.

I could give you a list, but you know what’s better?

Invest in a quality physical exam. Wring it out to the last drop. Pepper your vet with questions!

A good vet won’t hold it against you that you have financial concerns.

A good vet will respect people who do what they can with what they have.

And then, even if you can’t do diagnostic tests that help narrow that list down, ask if there are any treatments that can be tried based on the history and physical exam.

There always are.

Without testing (bloodwork / xrays etc), prepare for a bit of guessing. Guessing is ok if you and your vet feel safe working with each other. This means that I don’t blame you for not having all the money in the world so I have to guess more, and you don’t blame me if I guess wrong.

Your cat will benefit from teamwork that comes from this type of shared responsibility.

Good luck!

Do you have a question for Dr. Kris? Leave it in a comment!

The post Ask the Vet With Dr. Kris: Dr. Kris Answers March’s Questions appeared first on The Conscious Cat.