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its8simplejulesblog · 4 years

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I Rewrote This Three Times

Because I didn’t really know how to encompass everything I was trying to say. However, the gist of this post is this: I’m so tired of being angry. I think that generally it’s something I hide pretty well. My finsta is not that exciting because a majority of the posts now are just me talking about how much better I’m feeling. This blog is about so many different ways to better yourself and make the best of quarantine. All my conversations with my friends are about how much I love and appreciate them (which of course is true), but today I got a slap in the face.

The past 4 months for me have involved a lot of learning about who I want to be and how to become that. However, we’re all people, and naturally, I’m not always my own best role model. Everyone knows that we’re our own worst enemy, especially people with anxiety, and while I’ve come to realize that and recognize when it’s happening that doesn’t mean that it won’t happen. For example, I can confidently say that I am very happy with my life on all accounts except for one.

No one wants to get cheated on. It’s shitty and it happens a lot, but it shouldn’t. I think in some ways I’ve handled it pretty well in the sense that I never took it out on myself. I didn’t necessarily think that there was some huge defining moment where I fucked it all up. If anything, I bounced back pretty fast in terms of confidence and personal growth. I’d probably say that I’ve surpassed even where I was before I dated him. Which should be enough right? Where this is where I’m failing.

There is the tiniest part of me, even still, that just wants to destroy him, ya know? Granted, I feel like that’s a normal outcome when something like this happens. You feel used and cheated (probably cause you were), so you feel like you need some sort of reparation.

I didn’t get it.

And I just can’t seem to get over that.

I think as my confidence grows, it just makes that sentiment even worse, because I know so deep in my bones the basic human decency that I deserve and the fact that the lowest of the low at least get a fake apology is still SOMETHING. Not even that? Come on man. I think my main issue is that I have this sense of ethics in me that is so grotesquely disgusted by cowardice. Not to brag (okay,,,humble brag), but in middle school we had this award called a Nobel Character Award (weird, christian school things..I know) and I won it multiple times. I think it’s because there is nothing I want more than for people to be treated with kindness, to feel like they deserve quality attention and care. To have that turned completely against me when all I ever wanted was to dish it out makes me physically sick every day.

Now, I promise I’m not trying to paint myself as a savior. I know I’m not perfect. Have I constantly upheld that value? In some situations, probably not, but it’s something I recognize as important. Similarly, the last thing I want is to victimize myself. I don’t need pity to feel loved and cared for. And frankly, I don’t want it. I want people to take care of me because they want to, and feel like it’s mutually reciprocated, rather than feeling like I NEED it and I’m fragile.

Victimizing yourself for attention you don’t deserve (in lieu of my last post) is probably my biggest pet peeve...ever. I don’t understand it. Everyone’s feelings are valid. However, don’t ever use that as a justification for a shitty decision. I don’t say this lightly, but if you feel the need to manipulate others to feel empathy for you, you’re psychotic. It should come naturally. If it doesn’t, a concept, maybe you deserve to feel guilty, and if that thought scares you, you were way too insecure for a relationship..or any relationship at all, in the first place.

In terms of my thoughts about my ex. They rarely exist. Or at least, they rarely exist at the surface of my memory now. While no one can come out of a relationship and truthfully say “I’ve moved on, I don’t think about it” (at least from my knowledge), the only time I can say that I think about it is either when 1.) someone brings up something he did or 2.) my unconscious gets emotional for no reason.

You know what I mean. Sometimes you’re just mad for no reason. Nothing set it off, it’s just there. Today, the latter was what happened. When I originally broke up with him I went OFF. It was not my brightest moment. There was no logic involved and did I harrass him on multiple social media platforms for being the scum of the earth, yes. I’m not proud of it. But, that’s what emotions are like. They kind of sucker punch you in the gut and convince you to word vomit exactly what will hurt people directly to their face.

It was a temporary high, I was like “yeah take that you chopstick looking bitch.” But, as time went on it got kind of old. Often times I get so frustrated that I ever dated someone that would cheat and run away from it. For a while I got genuinely nauseous thinking about it. I’ve never felt so physically and mentally disrespected and violated and honestly, these are the things I wish he would hear. Not that I think he’s trash or an idiot or worthless, but more so that this is just..not how you treat people.

I hope he figures his shit out. I hate that this happened, but I hope that he never does something like that again to someone and if he does, then maybe he really is the scum of the earth (sorry, that’s my favorite insult).

I’m tired of feeling secondhand anger because this is what he should be feeling, not me. The problem with victimizing is that he gets to hide under a rock while I deal with double the emotions for both of us. I have to be embarrassed FOR him. Does that make sense?

And it takes a toll on me. Have you ever felt utter disgust? It’s a horrible feeling, you just want to continuously shower for the rest of your life. I don’t want to feel that way. Especially around people that I love. I don’t want every new friendship and relationship that I’ve started since that time to be constantly weighed down by my disgust towards someone else. My friends don’t deserve that.

The good news though, is that they remind me what I’m doing. When you’re around people that bring out the best in you, nothing else matters. In relationships, friendships, I really can’t describe it (but this is a blog so of course I’ll try). You know when people say “you’re glowing,” it’s kind of like that. You feel so warm and you laugh so hard and honestly you’re brand new. I’ve met so many people that make me feel like that. And since that’s the case, why in HELL should anything else matter. Whether you believe in it being God’s will or the Universe’s, you always seem to get the things you need from the people you never knew you needed.

It’s hard for me to say that I want the best for my ex. Honestly, most of the time I want him to be having a really shitty day and a really shitty time and fail at everything. But, every day I get closer and closer towards truly not caring. Because at the end of the day it is the most refreshing feeling to not be manipulated anymore.

Huge fucking hugs to all my friends and family. God I’m so lucky <3

-Julia

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