#because one person accidentally worked too many hours and hr freaked out and fired her

[spleen9000]

guess who's applying to new jobs to replace both the jobs they've been doing for the past couple years :(

[stagesofabreakup]

Stages of a Breakup: Week 48

1. Whoops you did Monday on the end of last week

2. It’s Tuesday now!

3. Who cares

4. Wake up earlyish

5. See a text from the girl moving back into your/her room about when you’re moving out

6. It triggers some stress in you

7. You ask her if she wants the window treatments you bought

8. She doesn’t

9. This is more stress

10. Check social media

11. This turns out to be a horrible mistake because while you are casually scrolling through Instagrams, clicking away, you go to a very RANDOM and private Insta you thought only you followed, it’s a stripper in Miami who likes astrology and also designs clothes so her posts are all over the place but you love it

12. She did these memes of Horoscope Starter Packs

13. You click the Aries one bc you gotta see

14. YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND HAS COMMENTED ON IT

15. ??????????

16. HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND REPLIED TO HIS COMMENT???????

17. It’s honestly too much for you

18. Because this is a safe space

19. How did he even find it

20. Does she follow and showed it to him????

21. Were they gramming together??????

22. The thought of that bursts your heart

23. Bring 1,173 dollars in cash to a Chase bank

24. Deposit it, get checks-your roommate asked for 2 rents worth now

25. Something is wrong about the rent but you’ve decided it doesn’t matter

26. Go to the gym

27. Work out but sadly

28. Your phone freaks out and won’t respond to touch

29. You get VERY nervous

30. It fixes itself? But is probably still dying

31. Go to a beauty supply store

32. Buy a bedazzled baseball hat that says, “Boss” in fake jewels, purple mirror nail polish and nail gems—for Mardi Gras

33. Go to work

34. Eat 2 halves of leftover doughnuts

35. Still good

36. Listen in disgust while two people bond over Rick & Morty

37. Get two groups that don’t tip but are loud and boisterous and annoying

38. Get one group that does tip

39. Feel blahhhhhhhhhhh all damn DAY

40. Get annoyed at one manager who does not understand how to communicate thoughts

41. Stay an hour past when you were supposed to leave, mopping

42. Almost choke on some seasoned French fries

43. Walk to the train

44. Get a text from the guy (you were talking to a while ago then realized he was seeing someone else) asking if you’re mad at him

45. You reply no

46. But really-it’s not that you’re mad at him you just realized you were putting an unfair emphasis on his interactions with you and you don’t want to be texting him at 3:00am anymore

47. Wonder if you should tell him this

48. Wonder if you should message your ex-boyfriend and tell him it’s rude he didn’t tell you he was dating someone when he knew you would see it and have to deal

49. Drink a beer

50. Pay your roommate two months rent which is the most money you’ve ever written a check for

51. Accidentally break a plate

52. Eat the world’s worst quesadilla

53. FIND WORSE THINGS ON INSTAGRAM

54. Your ex-bf and his new gf went on a date to Applebee’s and they both uploaded matching instagrams and he captioned his “Applebae’s”

55. Which is objectively terrible and disgusting

56. You remember/realize that in the two years of dating neither of you ever posted a ‘couples’ photo, that’s just the two of you together

57. She already is saying “I love you” online and he’s “loving” (the love react on fb) the comments

58. It’s too much

59. How do you stop caring??? How do people stop that?

60. Talk with a friend on the phone a little about it

61. Laugh

62. Feel kinda better

63. A girl you met a few nights ago messaged you her fire ritual so maybe you’ll do one of those

64. To cleanse

65. Send a friend 2 dollars online for a sick button

66. Keep looking at the instagrams over and over again like visual self-flagellation

67. Wish that you had a “I’m happy and loved!” picture to post

68. Remember that he unfollowed you on Instagram anyway so it wouldn’t matter

69. Feel sad & out of control

70. Put on The Patriot

71. Decide you need to take a shower

72. Want to masturbate

73. Cum!!!!!

74. Knock over some bleach and stain the carpet whoops

75. Who leaves a jug of bleach unopened anywhere???

76. Stay up too late

77. Finally turn off The Patriot and try to sleep

78. Wake up at 10:00am

79. Wake up at 3:00pm

80. Stress about stuff more

81. Eat a doughnut and half of a steak sandwich that isn’t yours but is about to go bad and one pack of fruit snacks

82. Start trying to write an email to HR giving feedback they asked for

83. Get a call from your friend Molly!!!!!

84. It’s perfect and she’s perfect

85. Three way call your other friend Gabe!!!!!

86. This is better than Facetime!!!!!

87. Gabe, your least superficial friend in the world, tells you you are objectively prettier than your ex-boyfriend’s new gf and that she is a “step down”

88. Which, whether or not it’s true is sweet and kind thing to say and you love him for saying it and it makes you feel better

89. But still feminism though!!!!!!

90. Watch some more of The Patriot

91. Email the HR email

92. Email about an editing job you’re doing for a friend

93. Maybe connect with 2 new roommates?

94. Try to get ready to go to the gym

95. Post 2 pictures to Instagram your friend Rashida took in your sports bra

96. YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND HAS ALREADY POSTED ANOTHER INSTAGRAM THIS TIME OF HIS DOG THAT YOU MISS SO MUCH and wow Instagram is an emotional battlefield

97. But you feel fortified from talking with one of your best friends who you love

98. Look forward to the gym

99. OMG talk to your friend Charlie on the phone

100. While on the phone with him, sign up for Moviepass AND unfollow your ex-boyfriend on Instagram!!!!!!!!!

101. Two huge things

102. Feel like you have a piece of glass in your foot

103. Because you definitely do

104. Talk to your friend Molly on the phone

105. Start editing your friend Randy’s story

106. The only time you leave the house today it is to go to the gym and immediately come back home

107. Talk to your friend Jade on the phone

108. Finish Moshe Kasher’s book “Kasher in the Rye,” which was incredible

109. Take pictures of all the outfits you have for Mardi Gras, send them to her

110. Buy two items from Torrid for 62 dollars and get them shipped to her house so they’ll be there for Mardi Gras

111. Make an Instagram story starring your jeweled hat that says “BOSS”

112. Watch the first 35 min of Get Him To The Greek

113. Masturbate

114. Shower

115. Sleep

116. Wake up weirdly early for going to bed at 6:00am

117. Feeling rested and alert!!!

118. Ignore the shooting invisible pain in your foot and get dressed to go to the gym!!!

119. Eat a sandwich with cheese that only had a little bit of mold on it

120. Send two emails you’ve been meaning to-one to your old gym in New Orleans asking if you can work out while you’re there and one to a group you’re in about a room for March!

121. Get booked on a show 2 months from now by writing a semi-snarky fb comment!

122. Go to the gym

123. Get annoyed by a weird man who moved your ipod and reminds you “you can’t trust people”

124. But like, the only person you can’t trust is people who try to remind you you can’t trust people

125. Work out

126. Listen to Britney Spear’s first album

127. It has aged well

128. Go into a sneaker store on the way home because you need new sneakers and part of you wants to get rid of all remnants of things your ex-boyfriend was involved in acquiring before you go back so you seem more changed/new/different

129. Try on like 4 pairs of shoes

130. They are ok but too expensive

131. You need a DSW in this bitch

132. Go home

133. Start a new book that’s written by the guy who wrote Election and Little Children (both great movies/you didn’t know one person did both of those)

134. Come home

135. Eat 2 packs of fruit snacks because you don’t want to encounter anyone by going in the kitchen and you hear them in there

136. Look at your phone for a while

137. Your ex-bf’s new gf is truly doing the most and has posted 2 instagrams of them and made a picture of the two of them her profile picture

138. This washes off you like water because you are an evolved being

139. You have also gone through the cleansing ritual of looking through her Instagram with a few choice friends and feeling emotionally safe & superior because you have all concluded that she overdraws her eyebrows which should be a crime

140. Peek out of your apartment to find there are a lot of firefighters in the apt next door and a lot of smoke

141. Worry

142. Breathe in some smoke

143. It’s ok someone just burned some food

144. Get an email from a girl about a place for April—decide you could put your stuff in storage and stay with friends if you needed to for a month

145. Send 3 booking emails to try to get more shows around a date you’re doing in Philly

146. Feel like a real comic/consummate professional

147. Drink a whiskey ginger you made with the shittiest whiskey the world has to offer

148. Your friend Charlie is coming over!

149. Plan to take a shower in the hour it will take him to get to your apartment

150. Sit in one spot until 5 min before he’s supposed to come

151. Text him you’re hopping in

152. He says he’s at your stop

153. You turn off the shower & put clothes back on

154. Wait 20 minutes

155. He got a roast beef sandwich before coming

156. Drink with Charlie!

157. Learn about the Rohingya and the genocide they are facing in Myanmar

158. Talk about more stuff

159. Show him your ex-bf’s new gf

160. He looks her up on some journalist database

161. No arrests

162. You look yourself up

163. It finds this YouTube video from like 8 years ago you forgot you made!!!!

164. You were so pretty????!!

165. Watch many episodes of The Office while Charlie nods in and out

166. He says he’s lonely

167. You tell him he can hold you if he wants for contact

168. You secretly hope he will

169. He says it’s ok

170. Watch more of The Office

171. Take a shower at 3:00am

172. Go to sleep

173. Wake up at 12:00pm

174. Charlie didn’t set an alarm

175. He missed an important Skype call

176. Whoops

177. He leaves

178. Go to the gym

179. Go to work for a short period of time

180. Have some down time, do trick shots with other people you work with

181. Throw (successfully) two axes at a time, two axes in one hand, underhand, and backwards

182. Sweat profusely and turn really red but don’t care because the sense of strength and accomplishment you got is more than worth it

183. Have a really annoying group

184. They don’t tip

185. Buy a 6 pack of Milk Stout and tortilla chips (for the salsa you found unopened on the ground 2 months ago) on your way home

186. Home

187. Get a check for your writing that’s 380.00

188. Freak out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

189. Also get a copy of the magazine it was published in

190. It was so long ago you forgot what you wrote kind of

191. Read it

192. You’re so funny!!!!

193. Call your mom for the first time in more than a month

194. She has company but says she’ll call you back but she’s happy you called

195. Feverishly drink beers and eat chips & salsa

196. Write a fb status about how people in love never make good art

197. She calls back

198. Talk on the phone with her for 4 hours

199. Cry a lot

200. Get past it

201. Have a really good conversation

202. Process some shit

203. Find out that she and your dad are divorced now, it finalized December 1st

204. Cry cry cry

205. She tells you you’re being judgmental about your ex-boyfriend

206. “You’re not in that position anymore”

207. This is interesting and something you haven’t considered

208. Marinate

209. See an apartment listing for 525/month

210. Send out an inquiry about it

211. Your eyes hurt from being open and crying

212. Take a shower

213. Find out Venmo charged you an overdraft fee twice, try to remember to call and get one taken off

214. Try to cut the piece of glass out of your foot with dull scissors

215. It doesn’t really work

216. You’re hungry but you’re doing this not eating after midnight thing

217. Realize your gym closes so fucking early tomorrow you have to get up super early if you wanna go before work

218. Ugh

219. You still haven’t done any more work on editing your friend’s story

220. You know you’re setting a bad impression and he’ll probably never hire you again or recommend you for others

221. You just can’t make yourself focus on it for some reason

222. Feel bad about it

223. You go to New Orleans so soon

224. This 52 week project is almost over

225. What then

226. YOU GOT THE PIECE OF GLASS OUT OF YOUR FOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

227. You’re gonna be fine

228. Find a message from someone who read all the weekly entries of this book you put on a secret tumblr every week in case something happened to the Word doc

229. They said they read it all in one night after looking for things to help with their breakup and that it was very inspirational and relatable

230. You want to cry because that’s so encouraging, you have no idea if anyone will care about any of this it’s just something you needed to do and lots of people have made you feel kind of bad like you’re obsessing or thinking about it too much or prolonging hurt

231. It was nice

232. Stay awake accidentally til 4:00am

233. Get up at 8:30

234. Eat a doughnut

235. Go back to sleep for 25 minutes

236. Go to work looking like shit because you cried for 4 hours on the phone with your mom

237. Work

238. Your friend from college picked the date for her wedding!!!!!! It’s September 29th!!!!

239. Get like 100 bucks in tips

240. Be incredibly frustrated because two different managers snapped at you and one apologized but the other one was right before you left and it was so fucking annoying and you wanted to cry and hit something

241. Leave

242. Rush to the gym

243. Work out for 25 minutes

244. Your butt/back leg muscles are sore/tight today for some reason

245. Wait in line for 20 minutes at the bank to deposit a check

246. Sing softly to oldies with another man for like 10 of those minutes

247. Come home

248. Make a stir fry on the stove like a real person

249. Eat pizza crusts out of the trash, just to remind you where you came from

250. Find the song “Pretty Girl” by Clairo

251. Listen to it multiple times

252. Watch many many episodes of The Office

253. Do NO work on the story you should be editing

254. Drink 1 beer

255. Feel sooooo full

256. Eat the LAST fruit snack package! Out of 80!!!!

257. Find out that Kate Spade made a line of “bridal sneakers”

258. No no no no absolutely not

259. Make an Instagram story about how pimples are really just gifts from the Lord

260. Text your friend Gabe for a min

261. Eat some nutella

262. Want to masturbate and take a shower and also already be asleep

263. Drink water

264. Continue watching The Office & drawing

265. Find a video of a TINY little sweet angel girl covering “Creep” by Radiohead with her dad that is HEARTMELTING

266. Stay up toooo late

267. Wake up two different times from nightmares with abusive people

268. Get up for good

269. Eat a warm doughnut

270. Masturbate

271. Start getting dressed for the gym

272. Do some stuff online

273. Listen to lots of pump up songs

274. Stretch

275. Be sad you can’t go to a Superbowl party because you really need to finish editing this story today, but you also didn’t get invited to any sooooooo

276. Decide you’ll eat chips and salsa while you edit

277. Put 20$ on a Metrocard instead of getting an Unlimited because you’re going to New Orleans in 2 days!!!

278. Gym finally

279. Walk for 80 minutes while watching a HILARIOUS episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta

280. Two grown women get in a fight because one saw the other one park in a handicapped parking spot at the mall which was, “shady”

281. The other one yelled back, “I was hanging out with someone who is handicapped, bitch!”

282. They also did a mediation/séance to “clear the elephants in the room” which was…interesting

283. Text with your friend Gabe and he says some WONDERFUL things that are helpful to you

284. He says (gently) that you need to let go of your ego in all this, and it doesn’t matter what your ex-boyfriend is doing/who he is dating/if he still; has feelings for you because it doesn’t matter in your life anymore, you have moved on without him on your own and have grown so much

285. He also listens while you talk about editing your friends story and you realize why you have been putting it off—you’re worried about offending him by doing too many rewrites/how to address ADDING when editing vs. just rearranging/subtracting

286. Home

287. Get annoyed that one of your roommates & her bf is in the living room, this is the third night in a row someone has been dominating that space with their love and you wanted to write in there!

288. Eat chips & salsa and chicken nuggets in the kitchen with your computer

289. Finally start editing!!!

290. Whew it’s hard and you are tired

291. Wish you could just watch The Office and turn off your brain

292. Do the edits!!!

293. It takes a long time and you decide you won’t charge him for all of them because you made him wait so long

294. Email your rewrite with notes

295. Hope he likes it

296. Watch The Office

297. Paint your nails with this new mirror nail polish you got for Mardi Gras that isn’t what you thought but is still cool

298. It smells terrible though

299. Think about packing?

300. Decide to do it tomorrow

301. You have to work from 3:45-10 and work out at some point though

302. Look up how long it will take you to get to Newark

303. Like an hour and a half

304. Feel free from your conversation with Gabe and really feel like you have turned a corner

305. More Office

306. New Orleans so soon! ! ! !

307. !