#blackmagic mood diary

[blackmagicbananas]

How I’ve been doing

Hiya! I’ve been getting some new followers and I feel kinda bad since I haven’t updated my progress here in a while. The truth is, there’s not much progress to be shared unfortunately :(

I’ve kept myself on track with my exercise fairly good. I have visited the gym once a week at WORST, and 5 times at best. It has become much easier to get up and go, even if the exercising itself still feels like a chore. I haven’t really been sticking with my exercise plan of 2 days cardio / 3 days strength tho, I just do whatever feels like the least boring option at each time. Still, I’m going at least and doing my thang in that field pretty well.

However, my diet is a different deal. I just cant seem to get a grip on proper nutrition anymore. I do eat a healthy breakfast and lunch, but after that is when things start to go wrong. My night almost always ends up on an eating spree, or a binge if you will. I don’t know weather to call it a binge or no, since it’s not a specific moment of eating a huge load of food exactly.

More or less it goes something like this: when I come home and start to prepare dinner, I get the urge to eat something simultaneously. No matter if I had a snack or two snacks after lunch, no matter how not hungry I am, I always want to eat straight away when I get home from school, and cannot wait 20 minutes for my dinner to cook. So I get a snack WHILE COOKING DINNER. Possibly two. Or three. This is usually something easy like bread or whatever random stuff I have in my fridge. Then I have my huge-ass dinner which should definitely keep me full for at least 4 hours, right? Wrong. Immediately when I’m finished with dinner, I get a massive craving for more. Even if I’m absolutely stuffed, I still want to have something else. And again, I just will demolish absolutely anything I can find in my kitchen.

After that, I might be satisfied for half an hour to 2 hours, and then I crave more. I always come up with a stupid excuse like the good ol’ ”tomorrow is a new day, I’m hungry now” or will just completely dismiss any thought process and just go ”I haven’t eaten that much today, it’s okay to have this”, even though I KNOW I’ve had enough food for one day already. And after that snack the same thing happens again every hour or so.

Long story short: After I come home, my whole night consists of eating, pretty much non-stop and I can’t seem to stop myself.

At first I thought I was addicted to sugar, since that’s what I usually went for when I wanted a snack. If I didn’t have anything good ready-made, I’d literally make a dough out of sugar, margarine and flour and eat that raw. But then I figured that sugar wasn’t actually my go-to if there was something else available: leftovers, 2min noodles, protein bars.... any easily-prepared food. So very often my ”bingeing” is actually on healthy food, like today after dinner I first went to rye bread, then dates, then leftover pasta, then more rye bread, more dates, wholegrain sugarfree cereal with smoothie, more leftover pasta. And I had chocolate in my kitchen the whole time and didn’t go for that.

So I guess it’s good that I’m not eating copious amounts of all-unhealthy food, but still it doesn’t help me to figure out what’s causing this. I feel like I’m literally addicted to eating and that is a very depressing thought since I have no idea how one would cope with that. I obviously don’t have certain trigger foods to avoid, and I can’t exactly avoid eating altogether either.

This nightly eating marathon is something I’ve been struggling pretty much always. I remember coming home from elementary school and just spending my whole night at the kitchen, getting something to eat every 30 minutes. I don’t know why and how to stop for good! I’ve had good runs of not doing this for months, and at those times it was probably because of calorie-counting and keeping a strict food diary which I hope to avoid doing now.

So yeah, that’s why my weight-loss is stuck again. I’ve gained 1,3kg since 22.12.2017, and actually only 0,3kg of that is actual ”christmas weight” that I put on over the holidays. That’s weird and annoying as well, how did I put on only 0,3kg when I LITERALLY ate 8000 calories everyday for like three weeks but when I’m trying to be healthy and I’m at least exercising, I put on 1kg in a month??

I feel annoyed, sad, frustrated and disappointed in myself. I’m just so lost and don’t know how to approach this situation. I feel like the only way I can lose weight is to count calories, track everything in myfitnesspal, plan every meal, control everything. I hate that. I hate to be so dependant on a tool. I can’t track everything I eat for the rest of my life, so I want to learn to stop doing it now. But I have no idea how.

For right now I think I will start a super simple and allowing food diary: just putting on the names of the foods and times when I ate it. No calories, no macros, no nutrients, no every-ingredient-listings. If that does help, maybe I will do it for a while and hopefully learn to be mindful about my food so I can eventually stop that as well. Best idea I can come up with anyways.

If you made it this far, I must congratulate you, this is so long and rambly I think even I will never read this again :D Just needed to vent and think out loud. If you hate this type of posts, well, I think this is not going to be the last one so... Sorry. You can always skip if these bore you. I will still be posting food diarys (once a week is my goal), recipes and progress pictures (if I ever get any progress..), so stay tuned for that~

[reginrokkr]

𝒕𝒚𝒑𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒑𝒆𝒐𝒑𝒍𝒆 : 𝒅𝒖𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒅𝒓𝒂𝒈𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝒄𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒔𝒆𝒔

adapted  from  this post !   bold  what definitely applies  to  your  muse. italicize what somewhat applies  to  your  muse. repost  ;  do  NOT  reblog.

𝙱𝙰𝚁𝙱𝙰𝚁𝙸𝙰𝙽 »     toothy grins, stories around the campfire, clothes covered in pet hair, hot temper, old jeans, heartbeat in head, potatoes and steak, beaded jewelry, bruise like galaxies, mementos, backpack stuffed full, craigslist furniture, spontaneous road trips, air ripped from lungs

𝙱𝙰𝚁𝙳 »     homemade bread, white lies, easily excited, trying on hats, band geek, pep talks, no impulse control, sunsets, vintage fashion, long showers, selfies, following dreams, rosy cheeks, song mash-ups, pink lemonade with tequila, loves easily, animated storyteller, full of comebacks

𝙲𝙻𝙴𝚁𝙸𝙲 »     list of wishes, biting their tongue, band-aids and neosporin, shoulder to cry on, morning sun, necklaces, trial and error, homemade quilts, formal clothing, astrology fan, messages in bottles, pleated braids, speaking up for friends, feathers, motivational quotes, vivid dreams

𝙳𝚁𝚄𝙸𝙳 »     bird watching, shy kid, wind chimes, trying to whistle, summer camp, apple orchards, lost in their head, glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling, hoodies, thrift shopping, saving worms off the sidewalk, pig latin, bare feet, thunderstorms, numb fingers, braided hair, naming potted plants

𝙵𝙸𝙶𝙷𝚃𝙴𝚁 »     goosebumps, leather jackets, adventure, chewing nails, cares deeply but can’t show it, bronze locks, no sleep, taste of iron, netflix binges, never forgets, combat boots, stories behind scars, table for one, official soundtracks, sore calves, trusts themselves the most

𝙼𝙾𝙽𝙺 »     always trying to be better, wanderlust, meditation, sweatpants, old photographs, yoga, sleeping in hammocks, nostalgia, minimalist design, breath of fresh air, baby animals, volunteering, perfectionist, doesn’t care about fashion, healthy snacks, noticing the little things

𝙿𝙰𝙻𝙰𝙳𝙸𝙽 »     school uniforms, thick jackets, sleeping with the windows open, logical advice, scrapbooking, compasses, i fight for my friends, sculpture gardens, cold morning air, big soul, likes routine, secret romantic, last to get jokes, sunflowers, practical presents, misty weather

𝚁𝙰𝙽𝙶𝙴𝚁 »     herbal tea, smell of rain, blinking away tears, camping trips, collecting bones, swiss army knives, first impressions, anxious thoughts, bobby pins, burnt marshmallows, too competitive, clothes lines, messenger bags, holding grudges, gets along better with animals than people

𝚁𝙾𝙶𝚄𝙴 »     flirtatious sarcasm,  candid photos, lost phone chargers, adrenaline rush, picking dirt out from beneath their nails, social chameleon, clashing clothes, self-deprecating jokes, claw machines, sits in chairs wrong, smudged eyeliner, has too many sunglasses, eats nothing or everything

𝚂𝙾𝚁𝙲𝙴𝚁𝙴𝚁 »     infectious laugh, family trees, shivers down their spine, lipstick and roses, mood swings, clumsy, believing in destiny, high expectations, sleeping in darkness, collection of nail polish, passionate, good grades but never studies, poetry books, blowing kisses, not knowing their own strength

𝚆𝙰𝚁𝙻𝙾𝙲𝙺 »     knowing everyone’s secrets, backpack covered in pins, envy, being in Walmart late at night, earl grey, selective memory, conspiracy theories and cryptids, keysmashing, need to know basis, can’t cook, bags under eyes, experimental art, flickering bulbs, black clothing all year long

𝚆𝙸𝚉𝙰𝚁𝙳 »     piles of textbooks, cat in lap, keeping a diary, indecision, scented candles, studying alone in a café, lingering touches, museum dates, unanswered questions, taking on too much responsibility, collections, chalk dust, comfy robes, unnecessary apologies, coming home after a long day

Tagged by: @kissafist (Thank you ♥︎) Tagging: @healcresth @sentofight @fulgensun @oursongofhealing @kyouminaine @baajisms​ @apollynn @metxfallica @yuichiroswife @blackmage-lulu I saw many people doing this so I don’t really know who to tag that didn’t do the thing, so feel free to take it if you want to do it!

[thegreyfacedbutler]

types of people: D&D classes - Vance edition

adapted from this post

bold  what definitely applies  to  your  muse. italicize what somewhat applies  to  your  muse. repost - don’t reblog.

BARBARIAN » toothy grins, stories around the campfire, clothes covered in pet hair, hot temper, old jeans, heartbeat in head, potatoes and steak, beaded jewelry, bruises like galaxies, mementos, backpack stuffed full, craigslist furniture, spontaneous road trips, air ripped from lungs

BARD » homemade bread, white lies, easily excited, trying on hats, band geek, pep talks, no impulse control, sunsets, vintage fashion, long showers, selfies, following dreams, rosy cheeks, song mash-ups, pink lemonade with tequila, loves easily, animated storyteller, full of comebacks

CLERIC » list of wishes, biting their tongue, band-aids and neosporin, shoulder to cry on, morning sun, necklaces, trial and error, homemade quilts, formal clothing, astrology fan, messages in bottles, pleated braids, speaking up for friends, feathers, motivational quotes, vivid dreams

DRUID » bird watching, shy kid, wind chimes, trying to whistle, summer camp, apple orchards, lost in their head, glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling, hoodies, thrift shopping, saving worms off the sidewalk, pig latin, bare feet, thunderstorms, numb fingers, braided hair, naming potted plants

FIGHTER » goosebumps, leather jackets, adventure, chewing nails, cares deeply but can’t show it, bronze locks, no sleep, taste of iron, netflix binges, never forgets, combat boots, stories behind scars, table for one, official soundtracks, sore calves, trusts themselves the most

MONK » always trying to be better, wanderlust, meditation, sweat pants, old photographs, yoga, sleeping in hammocks, nostalgia, minimalist design, breath of fresh air, baby animals, volunteering, perfectionist, doesn’t care about fashion, healthy snacks, noticing the little things

PALADIN » school uniforms, thick jackets, sleeping with the windows open, logical advice, scrapbooking, compasses, I fight for my friends, sculpture gardens, cold morning air, big soul, likes routine, secret romantic, last to get jokes, sunflowers, practical presents, misty weather

RANGER » herbal tea, smell of rain, blinking away tears, camping trips, collecting bones, swiss army knives, first impressions, anxious thoughts, bobby pins, burnt marshmallows, too competitive, clotheslines, messenger bags, holding grudges, gets along better with animals than people

ROGUE » flirtatious sarcasm, candid photos, lost phone chargers, adrenaline rush, picking dirt out from beneath their nails, social chameleon, clashing clothes, self-deprecating jokes, claw machines, sits in chairs wrong, smudged eyeliner, has too many sunglasses, eats nothing or everything

SORCERER » infectious laugh, family trees, shivers down their spine, lipstick and roses, mood swings, clumsy, believing in destiny, high expectations, sleeping in darkness, collection of nail polish, passionate, good grades but never studies, poetry books, blowing kisses, not knowing their own strength

WARLOCK » knowing everyone’s secrets, backpack covered in pins, envy, being in walmart late at night, earl grey, selective memory, conspiracy theories and cryptids, keysmashing, need to know basis, can’t cook, bags under eyes, experimental art, flickering bulbs, black clothing all year long

WIZARD » piles of textbooks, cat in lap, keeping a diary, indecisions, scented candles, studying alone in a café, lingering touches, museum dates, unanswered questions, taking on too much responsibility, collections, chalk dust, comfy robes, unnecessary apologies, coming home after a long day

tagged by: Didn’t get tagged but I saw it on the dash and also stole the format from blackmage-lulu

tagging: nobody but hey if this looks like fun then do it!!

[blackmagicbananas]

Struggling

Phew... Today was not a good day for me diet-wise. Breakfast was fine (avocado rye bread and soy yogurt with protein powder), lunch was pretty fine (potato casserole thingy with side salad and rye bread), dinner was fine (leftover carbonara). I also had two dates for a snack and everything was jolly good. But then something clicked and I went for a full-blown binge.

I had THREE protein bars, which I had intended to eat over a week long period, as a pre-workout snack. Why?? Who the hell eats three protein bars in one go?? They taste like shit anyways?? They totaled 510 kcals. Wonderful A++. But wait, I’m not finished :—) I also had 2 pieces of banana bread, 185kcal each, and a rye bread slice with plenty of margarine and even a thick slice of cheddar. I DON’T LIKE CHEDDAR WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS TERRIBLE?? And now my shomach hurts because of it cause my body doesn’t tolerate dairy. Why. Just why??

So yup, today’s total: 2900 kcals :))) of which the healthy, normal stuff was 1765.

I mean, I know that it’s not gonna destroy my progress. I know that I’m probably not gonna gain even a 0,1 kg from that binge. Probably not even 0,05kg. Maybe not at all even. And it was protein bars and healthy banana bread, not chips or candy or anything super bad for my body. The thing is, I have no idea what triggered this. This happens to me every now and then and I just can’t figure it out. My diet is not very restrictive, so I shouldn’t be craving for things because of that. I’m not having any anxiety or anything atm so I can’t imagine it being emotion-related either. Guess I’m just a food addict with no self-control whatsoever ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Well yeah, just gonna go to sleep now and try again tomorrow. That’s what I always do and you just gotta keep doing it, no matter how many times you fail. It’s just so annoying when you feel like you have zero control and progress slows down because of that.