#bones cullinary crimes

[stealingyourbones]

If any of y’all do have any (READ: REASONABLE) cursed food requests, please let me know!

If it’s something past the $10 of out of the way supplies, feel free to shoot me a DM and if I’m down, hmu at Ko-Fi and I’ll bring your cullinary abomination to life :)

[faustocosgrove]

book(s) reading update

so both the nazi book and the new york times best sellers list fiction book are so bad that it was making me question my sanity so i went looking for a new book. a third book! maybe the third one will fix me. but i totally lucked out because during my search i discovered the website goodreads has both reviews and related books. and i found people in the reviews saying the same things i was thinking about both of the books so good news i’m not crazy.

so the third book i got is a medieval cook book. skimmed it. might’ve found all the funny bits already but even if these four recipies (three of which are for eggs) are the cream of the crop it’s still been a better book experience than the other two put together.

there’s a recipe with one ingredient. which is just fucking hilarious. it’s also a no pots or pan needed recipe. first you make a fire, then when it has become a layer of coals you stick a grill over it and place oysters on the grill. as far as i can tell the only point of this is to not get ashes on the oysters. when the shells start to separate they are done, pop ‘em open with a knife and slurp those bad boys down. this is such a bare bones recipie, like you don’t even need to hunt around in the forest to find a stick to grill the fish you just caught on. these bad boys are their own cooking vessel. that whole thing is fucking incredible.

but then it gets better. deviled eggs are a ye olde european dish! except instead of making mayo and popping it in the fridge you just sort of add the components of mayo to the cooked egg yolks and mix it all together fresh. so to the cooked yolks add a whole raw egg. like there is raw egg in mayo. and there’s spices and cheese like this is better than modern deviled eggs! and modern deviled eggs are already good!

you’ve heard of green eggs and ham, but have you ever had a green omlette? the lazy way of making this is to chop up a butt load of herbs and chuck it in the eggs but the preferred method is to add a little water to the herbs, mash them to hell, then strain the juice and add the juice to the eggs before cooking like a normal omlette. like that is some pinterest level shit.

ah yes, but if a green omlette isn’t your thing, would an orange omlette tickle your fancy? now remember, this is the mideval times. there’s been no columbus exchange, which is what i blame for teh criminal amount of swiss chard in these recipies. so without tomtoes and peppers, what do you think is in this thing? if you’re furiously googling for red foods that were in europe before 1492 you’d be wrong! because the thing that makes this an orange omlette is the orange juice! literally you’re supposed to pour orange juice in raw eggs, then cook them. if you’ve started screaming at the thought of this cullinary disaster, be at ease my friend. from what i can tell this recipie was developed specifically to be fed to whores and criminals. it was done so with the idea that crime and horniness were the result of eating too many spices and could be cured by eating non spiced food. so kellog trying to get people to eat corn flakes in cold milk was based off a mideaval food theory. so i guess it’s good to know that the man who brought us tony the tiger’s bara titties wasn’t a raving mad lunatic who got people to buy his stuff because they were so enlightened by the yogurt enemas. the thing is though, if i were arrested for horny crimes and the police were feeding me nothing but eggs mixed with orange juice i would be terrified out of my skull into doing or saying whatever they asked of me. props to mideval europe for tortuing people into behaving how they wanted by accident for once i guess.