#boundaries or having one on ones i just feel empty the circuits been broken for so long…

[yoonpobs]

cold | pjm

pairing: park jimin x oc

genre: fluff, slight tsundere jimin, just cuteness tbh

words: 3, 339

summary: where jimin is ice cold but he wants you to warm him up (not in the way you think)

When Jimin pulls away for the first time in a year since you’ve met him during your movie nights, you suspect that something’s up. But, you also know Jimin—he would have said something to you if there was.

You raise an eyebrow at him, “You good?”

Jimin sighs at you, frustrated and you can’t help but feel confused at the sudden shift of atmosphere. You thought picking La La Land was a good choice, but you suppose that since Jimin was a little emotionally constipated he didn’t like it as much.

“I’m not, actually.” He declares, tugging off the blanket that covered both of your lower halves and withdrew from the warmth that settled into the couch.

“Do you—” You contemplate on asking because being Jimin’s friend meant respecting certain boundaries, and you weren't intending to be that friend that stuck their nose in his business.

You choose to remain silent and purse your lips and settle back into the couch, though it felt a little empty without Jimin bunched up next to you. But he was an enigma of unopened thoughts, and the time you spent navigating the course of your friendship in the first few months was ... heavy.

He’d never tell you anything, let alone allow you to indulge in the greatness that was his mind. You’d always hear from Namjoon how much he looks up to and respects Jimin’s way of thinking and mindset, but you rarely get to see that part of him. Sometimes, you felt more of a seat-warmer than a friend. You appreciate him, nonetheless.

“Aren’t you going to ask me about it?” He pries you.

You shrug, covering yourself with the blanket in hopes that it masks your vulnerability and insecurity, too.

“I know you.” You tell him, “You don’t like being questioned unless you say something about it first.”

He purses his lips in a straight line and looks at you ... like he really looks at you. So much that you feel his eyes burning into the side of your head; as if he was attempting to unravel your mind and dig into its deepest depths to understand its content.

“I don’t …” He says after looking at you, head-turning to face the television. Was La La Land seriously still relevant now?

“But I’m asking you to ask me.” He says, and the look of surprise on your face doesn’t disappoint. You gaped at him, forgetting the fact that Ryan Gosling looked really handsome on the screen—because Jimin had just prompted you to ask him about his … feelings.

“I—I don’t understand …” You say, dumbly. He rolls his eyes at you, and you’re familiar with his expression because it’s the one he usually has when he wants to call you an idiot.

“Ask me how I feel.”

You open your mouth, then close it. Your words fail you because the entire situation was sprung onto you so unexpectedly, and you suddenly feel self-conscious about everything. Was this Jimin’s way of assessing you as a friend and throwing you to the curb after a year of being platonically involved with one another?

As if he could hear the millions of thoughts running in your head, he turns to you and grabs your cheeks in between his large palms, and this time you actually short-circuit.

Your intimacy with Jimin stopped at sitting next to each other during movie nights and embracing the warmth that your bodies radiated. Maybe even the occasional accidental brush of fingers when he hands you something, but besides that—Jimin was conservative with his touches.

You can’t lie and say that your heart doesn’t react differently, because for the most part of your friendship you’ve suppressed any romantic feelings that you had or could have had for Jimin. Mostly out of self-preservation because Jimin was just … Jimin.

Cold, aloof but still someone that cared deeply. Yes, he was emotionally constipated when it came to his own feelings, and yes —his gaze more often than not had you cowering in fear. But he never made you feel uncomfortable. Even in the silences, you spent with one another you felt safe. Home.

Not to mention, his entire brooding and stoic persona hit it really well with the women on campus—and the fact he was obscenely attractive. He and you were the types of people that remained just as friends. And suddenly, that could end tonight, too.

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” He hums, eyes chasing your own but you divert your attention away from him because your eyes tell.

You shake your head, “I’m just confused.”

And confused you were because this was a territory that was unheard of for you—much less for Jimin. If only you could telepathically speak to Namjoon right now because you had no idea what to do or say.

“Well, I’ll keep it simple for you,” He says, “ Ask me how I feel.”

He doesn’t ask you anymore, instead, he insists—as if there was a preconceived answer for you already in the back of his head. Maybe this was how he softened the blow.

“No.” You push him away, flustered. “I won’t let you friend break up with me like this!”

He raises an eyebrow at the sudden rise of voice you admitted, “I like being your friend even if you don’t—and—and I know that yeah, consent matters—but I do not consent to be friend broken up with.”

He listens to you, and his face is still in its signature blankness and you nearly scream at how you wished he’d display a little emotion or a reaction to your blow up. But it seems that between the two of you, you were the emotionally unstable one.

“I know I can be annoying and all over the place and loud but ...” You immediately opt to self-deprecate yourself because nothing could triumph the way it felt to do it yourself than have him say it to your face, “... you’re not allowed to leave me. Ever .”

You fold your arms across your chest and look away because what the fuck did you just do and your face was undebatably on fire right now.

As if he’s noticed the way your eyes widen in realisation, he holds you again—but this time he pulls you closer to his chest until you are forced to look up at him with your flushed cheeks.

“Silly girl.” He hums and you whine.

“What!”

“I have to do everything myself, hm?” He tucks a strand of stray hair behind your ears and it was instinctual for you to pull away because you’ve never felt Jimin like this before. Close, and warm—and all yours.

“Jimin I don’t understand— mpf!” And it was like a scene straight out of a romcom, and you nearly forget that La La Land was still running in the background. You felt like the main character of your own movie, and Jimin was the protagonist's love interest because he kissed you.

Jimin was kissing you.

Kissing. Like lip-locking. Sharing saliva. With you.

He pulls away too soon for your liking, but you gape at him like a fish out of water.

“You—” You stutter, and he chuckles. You feel it more than you hear it because his chest was resting against your cheek.

“Do you understand now?”

You shake your head, “... you feel bad for me?”

He snorts.

“I don’t know if you’re actually this much of an idiot, or are you just hopeless in the romantic department?” He says, and you open your mouth in the offense, ready to defend yourself but he hugs you closer to him and all you could feel was him.

“Excuse me? I’m not an idiot.”

“I just kissed you and you thought I felt bad for you.”

You huff, “What am I supposed to feel! You never speak about your emotions to me, and the most I’ve ever got out from you was a chuckle from the time where I slipped in front of the entire campus during freshers week.”

“That was when we met, yes.” He hums, “Why did you think I’ve been with you ever since?”

You still looked confused and Jimin internally sighs at the way he let himself fall for a dense excuse of a human being like you.

“Cause … you felt 'bad for me?”

"Just because you air-quote it doesn't make it any different from what you said earlier ____."

He groans, “No you dumbass—it’s cause no one makes me feel things the way you do. Strange weirdo who slipped on absolutely nothing, and as a friend who forces me to watch shitty romcoms like La La Land.”

“La La Land is not shitty!” You gasp.

He blinks.

“Is that all you got from what I said?”

“La La Land is phenomenal! All from the artistic production, to the soundtrack—so I don't know why people keep shitting on it because personally I really enjoyed—” But he kisses you again, and you melt into him immediately.

This time he lingers for a bit longer, and when he pulls away you grab onto his shirt to keep him close. You realise your mistake and suddenly push him away, but his hold on you was tight enough to resist your poor attempt.

“I like you, dummy.” He says, and you gasp.

“Nooo.” You say in disbelief.

“I like you.” He emphasises again, and you gasp. Again.

“No, you don’t.” You tell him, and he sighs—knowing that this was going to take a while.

“I do.”

“You don’t.”

“I do .”

“Nope.”

“ Yes .”

“Nuh-uh—!”

He clamps his hand over your mouth and glares at you.

“Me. Park Jimin—likes you, ____ ____, and yes —I can’t believe I like a complete idiot like you, but I do because you fucked up and made me like you from the moment you embarrassed yourself in front of everyone so bad that it was probably the hardest I’ve ever cringed in my life—”

“Hey!”

“—but you quite literally stumbled into my life with your whirlwind of emotions and you made me feel things that I’ve tried to avoid my entire life.” He holds your chin between his thumb and finger so you’d look at him. And you know that Jimin never lies, but something in your heart doesn't allow you that moment of happiness for yourself.

“But I'm annoying …” You say, a little unsure. Jimin simply looks at you, and you're frustrated again at the lack of emotion on his face.

“Yes, you are.” Is all he says, and you gape at his audacity.

You huff, throw the blanket off your body and make way to grab at your belongings that lay idle on the floor next to the couch. You pulled away from Jimin who attempted to grab at your wrist and glare at him so vehemently that he looked taken aback.

“This isn't a joke.” You tell him, and you hoped you looked as strong as you sounded because you felt played. Jimin didn't do this—you were just the clumsy freshmen that somehow befriended him, and he had no way out of it. So you decided to give him a way out on your own.

“Wait—of course, it's not—where are you going?” He exasperates when you make a beeline go to his door. You've never seen Jimin move as quickly as he did, but he manages to secure a tight grip on your elbow.

You try to shove him aside all while you felt like an immense idiot for allowing yourself to feel this way. To feel so human, and raw when you were with Jimin when he hadn't shown an inkling of emotion even when he declared that he ‘liked’ you.

“____—what’s wrong? Is it because I kissed you without asking you? I'm sorry but— ” He apologises and you groan.

“Stop treating me like this!” You yell at him to cut him off, “I know I'm clumsy, and a ditz—but I have feelings and it's not cool how you're doing all of—” You gesture to the hand on your elbow and to your lips, “— this, making me feel things that I shouldn't be feeling.”

“You're missing the point—!”

“Am I Jimin?” You exasperate, and he lets go of you for a moment to allow you space. “You've never shown any sign that you liked me for the past year of being friends, and now you're telling me you do?”

You scoff, “If you wanted out of this friendship, here it is.”

You reach to his doorknob with your back turned towards him, but Jimin was far stronger than you and reached out at the same time; essentially locking you into your position with nowhere to go.

“Just let me go,” You sigh, “I'm giving you your out.”

Jimin turns your body to face him and you avoid his stare. He was taller than you so being locked against the door was a little intimidating, given the fact that Jimin’s stare was nothing short of intimidating.

“Why would I want out?” He asks you, and you blink at him as if he's grown a second head.

“Now you're just treating me like I'm stupid .” You pout, “Did you not hear what I said? I know I'm annoying and I'll get out of your hair, just let me go—!”

You pull at his wrist but he holds you tighter and uses his other hand to softly grab at your cheeks to look at him. You stare at him with wide eyes and mouth scrunched like a fish, and you're sure this doesn't look the least bit flattering at all.

“Dude!”

“Please don't dude me after I just said I liked you.” He grimaces, then sighs.

He proceeds to clamp his hand over your mouth, “Now I need you to listen to me. And I mean— really listen. Not the thing that you do where you completely ignore my point and go on some childish rampage of how I think you’re annoying and want out.”

You glare at him.

He sighs, “I don't know how explicit I have to be—but I like you. I like your presence, I like hanging out with you—and I want to date you. I want everything that's in the book of romance and relationships with you.”

Your eyes widened and you attempt to speak but he clamps down harder than you whine.

“I know I'm an emotionless brick but I've been with you for the past year and my physical presence is the way I show you that I like you.”

You blink.

“And, I don't know if you've noticed but I've been inviting you over every fortnight just to cuddle up next to you to watch movies that are cheesy as fuck because I know that it makes your heart flutter—” He looks straight into your eyes and you're sure he can feel the heat of your cheeks on his hand.

“—I didn’t say this earlier because I was under the impression that you were aware and that we were kind-of-dating but not really— clearly, I was wrong.”

You manage to rip his hand off in his moment of weakness and gasp, “Kind-of-dating? Since when did that even happen?!”

He pointedly looks at you, “You have a toothbrush at my place, half of your closet is in mine—you walk my dog when I'm not home, and I buy your favourite cereal when I do groceries.”

“But—”

“Nope—the only reason I explicitly told you tonight because it was now clear to me that you weren't aware—” He gestures to your frazzled state, “—and that you said you were going out with Taehyung. Alone. To a pizza parlour.”

You barely manage to respond because he exasperates, “Do you know how datey a pizza parlour is?”

You gape at him, “Well excuse me! I didn't even know we were kind-of-dating until a minute ago!”

He glares at you, “And you didn't even believe me when I told you I liked you.”

You fold your arms across your chest, “Obviously. You don't even hold my hand, and you've never kissed me until tonight.”

You punch his shoulder and he hisses, “You didn't even formally ask me out!”

“You’re a scaredy-cat and if I did ask you out you’d probably run away from me!” He exasperates with his hands in the air.

“I’m not a scaredy-cat and I won’t run away!” You argue back and you were suddenly aware of how close he was to you.

You look up at him and notice how pretty his eyelashes were, and how he does look at you with an intimacy that you've only seen for yourself. The look that he reserved for you.

“I'm asking you out now,” He whispers, cupping your cheek.

“Date me. Be with me.”

You scoff, “God. Can’t you even be a little romantic? It’s like you’re demanding me to be with you.” You respond petulantly like a child.

He groans, “I'm not going to grovel you if that's what you're expecting.”

“Tell me why then.”

He raises an eyebrow.

You clear your throat and fiddle with your thumbs, a nervous tick you have.

“Tell me why you like me.”

Jimin stares at you and you want to complain about his stoic expression but he cups your cheeks in his hands a little harder and forces you to really look at him—as if his face held all the answers.

And when you did, you see the desperation behind his eyes, the dedication that he possesses only for you. The way he looks at you like he's meant to prove something to you, and then everything made sense to you—he wasn't inexpressive—you were just too caught up in your own world that you never noticed.

“Jimin—” Your voice cracks but he shushes you, softly.

“Listen to me, okay?” He asks of you and you gently nod.

“I like you because you're here,” He starts off and you were about to scoff but he speaks again knowing your predetermined reaction, “You’re present— always. I don't mean just because we're always together, but because even when we're texting you're there. You're involved.”

“You're expressive in ways that don't need words to tell me anything, which is why I know you like me too.”

“Cocky, much?” You scoff but the burn on your cheeks give the truth away

He smiles a little before continuing, “But that's not it—I like you because you're patient. You stuck with me being emotionally constipated for the first half of our friendship, and yet you're still here.”

“Even though you nearly ran out of here spewing some bullshit about me taking you as a joke—”

“Okay … I may have blown it out of proportion.”

“—but I wouldn't want to have you any other way. Even if it took me literally trapping you against a door for you to listen.”

You melt into his touch and look up at him, “Do you really like me?”

“I really do.” He affirms you, and you tug him closer to bury your head into his chest.

“Can you hold my hand next time?” You ask, softly. And he chuckles against the top of your head, caressing it gently.

“Of course. That's the only way you won't run away from me next time, right?” He teases.

You whine.

“I'm never going to let you go.” He tells you, “You're pretty like this—all mine .”

You smile up at him and Jimin swears his heart melts to be rebuilt whole by you again.

“But you called me an idiot ...”

“Two things can be true at the same time.”

You gasp, “Rude—!”

He shuts you up with a kiss more passionate, and a lot more eager that has your head spinning.

When he pulls away, you feel your heartbeat a little faster—especially at the string of saliva that connects your mouths.

“Mine,” He says. You can't help but nod.

His.

[mirismuffins-ovo]

Plant Palace 🍀Pt 3

Warning ⚠️ [mpreg]

John was in a content sleep until it was morning once again. Jolting out of bed scaring the shit outta Bitty when he raced to the bathroom emptying his stomach into the toilet like he’d been doing for the past few weeks. He almost fell when he was running but he made it by a hair. John was a tired mess,whimpering tiredly in pain when he pressed too close to the toilet and hurt his sore irritated feeling chest. He massaged his pained chest and cleared his burning throat. “I’m getting pretty tired of this…” He whispered frustrated and glanced down at his stomach that’d been annoying him more now. “Just overwatering” he tore some foliage from his hair and threw it into the toilet. He’d heard Eddie get out of bed and walk in,John flushed the toilet standing up tiredly. Only turning around after wiping his face clean of tears

Eddie was not pleased by the wake up call with Bitty getting scared and running over his face as John threw back the sheets. He sat up startled by the loud footsteps followed by gagging and a splash in the toilet down the hall. Tossing back his own covers, he stomped down the hall and lightly tossed open the door to see John trying to hide the tears.

“That’s it. I’m tired of holding my tongue. I’m taking you to the doctor.”

A look of fear replaced John’s tears, looking at him with wide eyes.

“I’m tired of seeing you like this! You keep pushing it off and I thought you were doing better, but you’re still sick from the time you were at my house.” He snapped a little before calming down. “You should’ve told me it was only a fear of doctors that you had a problem with. I said I’d be here for you. I’d hold your hand the whole time while they checked you out to make sure you were well.”

John stepped back and he couldn’t help but become more anxious tears spilling down his face. The anxiety had set in and he stared up at Eddie shaking.

“I can’t go to the doctors Eddie” He sniffled and wiped his face,his arms crossed over his pudgy chest. “I’m perfectly fine okay?” He whimpered knowing it was a lie. Eddie had stepped forward and reached out to John to grab him. Unable to control the thorny vines that’d suddenly sprouted from under his skin and spiraled out covering John's arms. John felt his alarms going off in his head when he realized his body was reacting in defense to his stress. “Eddie I-“ He didn’t know what to say as he stood staring up fearfully now more than ever.

Eddie stepped back, watching as the vines wrapped around his boyfriend, burying him. He just watched, jaw to the floor as he watched it all unfold, fear appearing on the man’s face before vines covered him up.

It was like his brain short circuited. What the hell had he just witnessed. Clearly there was still a vine thing in front of him. Things started to make sense. The petals in his red hair, the sunlight making him glow, the excessive water a human shouldn’t drink, the random topic of Abnormals. He was being tested.

The singer sat back on the bed, looking away from the vines for a moment to gather his thoughts. John had been Abnormal this whole time and he pushed him to tell him a secret. For one thing, Eddie knew he wasn’t terrified. John never meant to harm him or the place so he wasn’t a dangerous Abnormal. Calling the hotline was a thought ripped up and burned instantly. Why would he? John was scared. He honestly didn’t know what to say, he could only do.

He scooted closer to the vines, reaching out for a clump, ignoring the thorns and held them like he would hold a hand. Guilt filled his body as he sighed.

“I’m sorry John… I keep fucking this up. Just be okay, please.”

John heard him and he still couldn’t stop shaking,but it didn’t seem like Eddie was the kind of person to call him in. So when Eddie grabbed his thorn covered hand he froze,it had to be hurting him,it had to be. John tried to calm down as much as he could. He retracted the thorns into the vines which slid back gently into John's quivering body. He looked up at Eddie still somewhat afraid but more sorry than anything “I’m sorry..” His hand rested in Eddies and he suddenly gave Eddie a tight hug,pressing his face into Eddies chest as he cried. “I should’ve told you..” He said in a broken childlike voice,his small swollen body smooshed against Eddies taller frame.

Eddie wrapped his arms around John, holding him close and tight, trying to keep his own tears at bay.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry too. I shouldn't have pushed you.” He said quietly into his ear. “I’m just glad you’re alright.” Eddie held him as John cried into his chest, shaking like a leaf (no pun intended).

Once John had calmed down, Eddie moved him back so he could see his face and wipe away the tears. The shorter man’s eyes were red and swollen, face pale from being sick and freaking out.

“Y-you can explain more when you… you feel up to it.” He breathed still trying to understand everything. This wasn’t about him, this was about John. “D-do you need anything? Water? Sunlight? Uh…” he trailed off, not sure what the younger man needed. “Dirt?” He kind of meant the last one as a joke, trying to sound funny rather than so serious and hoping he didn’t cross a line.

John gave a small snicker at the comment about dirt “I don’t need dirt super often” He took a deep breath and felt a bit better now after he stopped crying. He let out a small gasp when he felt a sharp pain in his tummy from one of the babies kicking. It was probably one of them affected by his distress. “I can’t see normal doctors…”he huffed softly as he guided Eddie to the bed needing to sit down from his weak legs. He shook his head and rested his face in his hands,John stared down at the floor, his eyes burning. “I didn’t mean for you to find out this way” He rubbed his arm slowly,before he brought his hands to wrap his stomach “I don’t..know what’s happening to me Eddie,but it’s dangerous to get involved with the abnormal world.” John looked up at Eddie with his glossy emerald eyes,still puffy from crying. He couldn’t have Eddie get hurt.

“Would you ever… have told me?” Eddie asked. “I mean I understand why now…” He waved to the entirety of John.

He could see the younger man wince and rub his belly.

“If there is a doctor you can see, I still want you to get looked at. I only know little on Abbies. That could be a tumor, if you guys get them… it could be the excessive water gain…” He sighed, taking John’s hand again, lucky he only got a few scratches, nothing super dangerous. “Do you want me to get involved? I don’t want to be pushing the boundaries I already am. Like I said before, I’ll be here holding your hand every step of the way if you allow it. I don’t want to leave, but if you want me to, I will.”

He was serious. He showed it in his eyes and the tone of voice. He wasn’t going to leave because his boyfriend was an Abnormal. Even if he was, he never saw him as one. He saw him as John and only John.

John turned away from Eddie and sighed before standing up and brushing his fingers through his hair.

“Eddie..I-“ He paused and thought about it words for a moment “If you get involved with me as an abnormal,you can be charged with harboring an enemy of the state” John walked a bit closer to Eddie and gently touched his face with his pale hand. His look was adoring and loving “I want you in my life,and I have to say I’ve fallen for you but-“ He slowly rubbed Eddie's cheek with his thumb. “You could get hurt” John was always afraid of those he loved getting hurt,he couldn’t have those he cared for ripped away from him again. “The abnormal world here is underground and secretive,there’s no way for you to get out once your in it”

“I know it’s a dangerous place! But I’m not like those people who get scared after they see something that isn’t ‘normal’. There is no ‘normal’! Humans, no, people, have been fighting for equal rights and will continue to do so. Blacks wanted freedom and they did! LGBT wanted to be loved and they are! Abnormals could be who they want to be and they can be! It’s just your turn in the cycle of accepting this ‘normal’.”

Eddie was so upset at thinking John wouldn’t want him there, after all he said too the day before about Abnormals. He still stood by what he said. Just like humans, they can get help instead of being dragged off and be experimented on. He felt touched that John cared for him not to get hurt, but he was in it since the two flirted in the shop. There was no going back. Even if they split up now, they would both be in pain.

“I’m already in.” Eddie chuckled. “I got in the moment I fell in love with you.” He looked up at John with tears in his eyes, and the goofiest smile.

John blushed profusely at that and his lips curled into a soft smile. He pressed himself against Eddie in a hug,his words were sweet but his worries were still real. He felt the squirming in his stomach again but he tried to ignore it. “ I can try to go to one of the doctors I know of if you think it’ll help..I just don’t know if you should come” John gently pulled away and looked at Eddie searching for any sign of dismay in his face. “Abnormals stigmatize trusting Normies as much as they Abbies” John saw Eddies expression change slightly and he pursed his lips. “I’ll see if he’ll let you come” his voice was soft and loving knowing Eddie wanted to be with him every step of the way. John sat down next to Eddie and he pulled something out from under his mattress. A small tweed journal when he opened it,it was cryptic writing but it was a list of addresses and names of other abnormals in town “ I can go today if we leave now” John could read it with ease.

Eddie relaxed when John finally agreed to at least getting checked out. He hugged him back and watched as he went to pull the journal out.

“I can go today if we leave now.”

“I know I just said I’d be there for you, but if you don’t want me to be, I can stay here, watch Bitty and prepare tea and snacks. Whichever makes this safer. But I won’t ever leave you. I’ll be waiting for you.” He stood up, walking over to the botanist and gave him a hug, assuring him this was all going to be alright.

John nodded while he began to get ready getting dressed in one of his new outfits. He shimmied into some jeans and tucked the front of his sweater in.Eddie had begun to get dressed in his own clothes.

“It'll be safe here luv,you can stay and eat something ,I won’t be long” he .”I should be back within the hour.Oh! Can I borrow your keys for the car it’s not a long drive and riding my bike has been harder lately” John knew how to drive but he had to IDs one a fake ID in case he was ever pulled over,his hair was photoshopped to be brown in it to hide the fact of his almost abnormal hair color being real. When Eddie handed him the keys, John got on his tiptoes and gave the taller man a kiss.He’d grabbed his water bottle and gave Eddie a small smile at the door. “I love you..” His shy voice said just before he left through the door. Hopping into the old truck and beginning his journey to the underground doctor. Following his books notes until he reached a nice looking house and he rang the doorbell.

[lesbenoits]

same stars

title: same stars (read on ao3)

word count: 2676

rating: T 

description: Iko heads to Rieux for a well-needed vacation, hoping to find a mission, now that the wolf packs are rounded up. She doesn’t find her mission, but she does find Émilie.

anyway this was supposed to be a character study but then Émilie showed up and fucked it all up so here are your gay pre gfs ft. iko feeling lost. this gonna be long so prepare yourselves

arrival (chapter one)

Iko’s expression twisted into disgust as her heels sunk into the muck. She lifted her feet, trying to shake the clumps of dirt from her sparkly shoes. Even the air seemed to be clogging her circuits, dragging her spirits down. She had known Rieux would be rural, but she hadn’t imagined it being quite so heavy. Her friends’ advice echoed in her head as she resigned herself to a lost pair of shoes.

“I think it’ll be good for you.”

(Iko didn’t understand why she couldn’t stay with Cinder.)

“Plus, you’ll get to see Scarlet and Ze’ev! And Émilie is really nice.”

(It would be nice to see them in person, but they chatted over video often enough.)

“It’ll be nice to be out of the spotlight for awhile.”

(But Iko liked the spotlight. She reveled in it. Where was the spotlight here?)

“I don’t know what you’re complaining about, I would love a break.”

(She had crossed her arms at this, glaring. Iko didn’t want a break; she didn’t need a break. She just wanted to be useful. With the wolf packs vanquished, there was no mission for her. Iko was an extra piece of malfunctioning technology. Despite Cinder’s assurances that “of course there was room for her,” and “nobody wants you gone!” couldn’t cover the way children were ushered from her and the whispers behind her back, calling her “it,” saying things like broken, and needs replacing.)

A mud-splattered vehicle rumbled towards her, spewing gray exhaust. Her vocabulary struggled to find an appropriate word. The clunky machine could really only be called a truck – but they hadn’t made those in years. It spluttered to a stop a few meters away, making noises that would have had Cinder under the hood in seconds.

Iko thanked the stars for the filtering system she had had implanted on Luna as a blonde figure clambered out, coughing and waving away the fumes. “Hi! I’m Émilie.” She wiped a grimy hand on her (very stylishly cut) jeans before offering it to Iko. “Scarlet’s friend. You’re Iko, right?”

She covered Iko’s outstretched hand with both of hers, smiling as she blew loose hair out of her face. “I’ve heard so much about you! It’s lovely to finally meet. Oh stars, look at your shoes!” Émilie grimaced. “It’s all right, it’s happened to me enough times. I’m sure we can clean them off, they’re awfully cute.” She giggled. “Watch out, I might steal them.”

Iko blinked a few times before giggling back. Émilie’s words bubbled out of her like a fountain, spilling over and soaking Iko, short-circuiting her for a moment. “Thanks! I love your jeans, by the way.”

Émilie glanced down like she had forgotten what she was wearing. “You’re sweet. Want to hop in? I’m sure we can find room for your bags somewhere in there,” her eyes sweeping the heaping suitcases. She gave the battered truck a pat. “Nellie can take anything.”

“Nellie?” Iko helped Émilie swing her biggest bag into the trunk, stumbling a little as her heels sunk into the ground.

“Yeah, that’s her name,” Émilie replied. “I don’t know exactly when it caught on, she’s been around awhile.”

“I didn’t even know they made automobiles anymore.”

“They don’t – at least not in Europe – but there are still some around, especially in less developed parts of the world.” Émilie frowned. “Not that I would know, I’ve never really been too far from Rieux, but I’ve read a lot about them. You would not believe how far you have to search the net for basic car maintenance! And fuel is so hard to find.” Émilie chattered on as she sparked two wires sticking out under the dashboard together. At Iko’s curious glance she explained, “lost the keys, but this works just as well. Usually.”

Iko gripped the seat beneath her, preparing for the car to launch them out the window or implode on itself. “Couldn’t you just have had another key made?”

“Would you believe we couldn’t find someone that still made keys? Crazy, I know. But apparently, people just go electronic when they lose their keys nowadays.” Émilie pushed her hair out of her face, grinning at Iko from her hunched position over the exposed wires. “Her wiring is too old to have a card scanner implanted, so here we are. Oh, here we go!” Nellie shuddered and groaned, but after much complaining, she started down the dirt road.

Iko clung to the armrest for dear life as they bumbled down the road in a five hundred-year-old deathtrap. Emile just laughed and chattered on, one hand on the steering wheel, looking over to make sure Iko was listening.

“Oh stars, keep your eyes on the road!”

                                                        …

As soon as they rolled up to the Benoit-Kesley farm Iko scrambled out of their so-called transportation. “That,” she said, pointing at Nellie, “should not be legal.”

Émilie shook her head, laughing. “It’s a bit rough at first, but you get used to it. Plus, it’s not a bad excuse to wrap an arm around the person in the passenger se– oh! Scarlet!”

Scarlet had burst out the front door, Ze’ev not far behind her. There was a kitchen spoon hastily stuck in her hair and Ze’ev wore oven mitts and a far-too-small apron with floral print. Iko dropped her bag to crush Scarlet in a hug, shoving her face in Scarlet’s tickly mass of hair. They clung together, swaying, for several seconds before Iko broke off to wrap her arms around Ze’ev, throwing a kiss on his scarred cheek. He no longer flinched when people ran their fingers over his marred skin, or wide-eyed children asked to touch it. The stood there for a few moments, the android and the soldier, both able to squeeze as hard as they wanted without harming the other.

“Stars, it’s good to see you guys.” Maybe they were right. Chatting over the net and seeing each other through screens just wasn’t the same as walking into their cozy farmhouse and being greeted with hugs and kisses, the atmosphere wrapping Iko up in its arms, handing her a metaphorical hot drink and seat in front of the fireplace.

Scarlet wrapped an arm around Iko, bumping her hip. “You remember where the loft is? You’ll be okay staying there?”

“Perfect. Thanks for letting me stay. Cinder thought– ” Iko’s chest hitched, and she hesitated. “Well. I’m here.”

Scarlet smiled softly, her eyes conveying more than what she said. “Ze’ev and I are finishing up dinner. Émilie’s staying for dinner too.”

“Émilie is really nice.” Iko had heard and said that word too much. What did it even mean?

“She is.”

“Well. I’m going to put my things away. And clean off,” she said, gestured to her mud covered legs.

Scarlet opened her mouth as if to say something, but closed it. “Okay. We’ll see you in a bit.”

“Yeah.” Iko stood there, watching her walk back to the kitchen. Watching the smile on her face as she wrapped her arms around Ze’ev, saying something Iko couldn’t hear to Émilie, who laughed and flipped her hair over her shoulder. The sounds of human interaction filled the Benoit-Kesley home, and it echoed inside Iko’s emptiness. She turned away, lugging her bags up to the loft. Everyone had said Rieux would be different, but she was still an extra piece. Replaceable.

                                                      …

Iko spent the evening catching up with Scarlet and Ze’ev, reminiscing about the years past and filling in the gaps of both their stories since. She talked to Émilie, who always seemed to have more questions. “What is Luna like?” “Did you really take down an entire pack of soldiers?” “What’s New Beijing like?” “Is Carswell as handsome in person?” Émilie never brought up Iko’s android-ness, nor probed too deep into anything sensitive or traumatic. Iko realized her questions were purposeful, engaging Iko but not going too deep, just making her feel at home. A smile flickered to her lips as she realized this, and she met Émilie’s mischievous eyes, trying to thank her wordlessly.

The world grew quiet around them as they migrated to the living room, Scarlet’s head in Ze’ev’s lap, the pair murmuring in hushed tones. Ze’ev’s was soft as he ran his fingers through her hair, the look of adoration on his face making Iko realize just how lucky Scarlet was as his eyes crinkled. The firelight began to flicker as the logs shifted, casting new shadows on the plaid couches.

“They’re good together, huh?” Émilie nudged Iko.

Iko startled for a moment before she settled into the touch. She bit down a giggle, instead flashing a smile at Émilie. “Aren’t they?”

It wasn’t just Iko and Émilie that thought so. Scarlet and Ze’ev didn’t have as much of a media presence of, say, Cinder and Kai, but they had shattered boundaries, being the first Earthen and Lunar to be married. Their accounts were full of pictures of each other and the farm. Scarlet often spoke or wrote about feminism, and the pair had developed quite the following. They both were rather bewildered by the sweet comments and an overwhelming amount of likes they began to accumulate. They were the parents of the crew, and the rest of the world – at least those with an internet connection – agreed.

Émilie’s expression was a little bittersweet as she watched the pair; Scarlet now curled up, her head still on his lap. “They’re adorable.” Her gaze turned to Iko, her brown eyes sweet and maybe a little bit curious. “Do you have someone? Back in New Beijing, I mean.”

Iko froze for a second. She thought of Kinney, with his harsh words and harsh lips and eventually even harsher blows. They had never been together, thank the stars. She came to her senses long before that. There had been a few men, but she had always stopped them before their hands went up her skirt, because she knew they would recoil if they knew who – what – she was. Their kisses had been nice, and she had liked holding hands and having someone to call hers. There was that word again. Nice. A relationship should be more than nice. Even Cinder, not one to gush and wax poetic, would never call her relationship with Kai nice. And Kai, one to wax poetic, had called Cinder a large array of adjective, all flattering and more informational than Iko was interested in, none of them being nice.

“Um, no. Not at the moment,” she added, trying to sound less pathetic. “But who knows? There’s a whole town of men here!” Her laugh was a bit higher than she had intended. “You?”

Émilie laughed that light laugh that made Iko’s skin tingle. It must be her sensors acting up. “No, no one for me. But if you’re trying to find someone, you should come to Rieux Tavern with me. I work there,” she explained. “Most of the guys there are assholes, but you never know. Scarlet met him there,” she said, jerking a finger at Ze’ev.

“Right, and then he turned out to be a wolf soldier and they proceeded to overthrow a tyrannical reign and go through ten levels of distress and trauma before they got their happily ever after. I’d rather be single than do that again,” Iko said flatly, throwing a glance at Émilie, hoping she realized she was joking.

“Well,” Émilie said seriously, “at least he turned out to be a good wolf soldier. Maybe you’ll get a nice and wholesome vampire.”

They both collapsed into fits of giggles, hiding laughter behind their hands.

“Finally, I can live out my vampire erotica dream,” Iko said with a breathy sigh. “I’ve always wanted to wear cute clothes while killing monsters, with the occasional makeout in between.”

Émilie shifted. “Didn’t you do that, though? Hunting wolf soldiers and all that.”

Iko shrugged. “I guess. It’s not as much fun as in the net dramas. A lot scarier. Less cute boys and even less cute clothes.”

“That makes sense.” Émilie bit her lip. “I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

The silence that hung in the air was almost tangible, weighing down their hearts and their words. Émilie hesitated. “Is that – is that why you’re here? I wondered, a little. Of all places to take a vacation, why Rieux?”

Iko twisted her fingers together, avoiding Émilie’s gaze. “Partially. There just wasn’t much for me to do back in New Beijing. Living in the palace isn’t as glamorous as it seems, especially when no one wants you there.” Iko laughed, a little bitter. “The revolutionary crew: Kai, the handsome emperor, Cinder, the girl that delivered the moon from slavery, Scarlet, resident badass, Ze’ev, big softie, Cress, an adorable genius, Carswell, the handsome criminal, Winter, the most beautiful girl to ever exist, Jacin, always glued to the princess’s side and, oh yeah, wasn’t there another one? Oh, just that android. Wonder what happened to it.” She spit out the last word more bitterly than she had intended and immediately felt guilty. It was the first time she had voiced her frustrations like that. “I felt so useless.”

She looked up to see Émilie’s eyes trained on her, filled with sympathy and understanding. Émilie had known she was an android, then. Iko wondered if she had found out by one of the various articles written on her “fascinating personality chip malfunction” or if Scarlet had told her. It didn’t really matter. She was just grateful that Émilie was treating her like – well, like a human. There were so few people that did that. “Anyway,” she continued, “Cinder thought I should take a vacation. Get out of the spotlight, you know?” Iko licked her lips. “Cress suggested Rieux. She came here for a bit a few years back, right?”

Émilie nodded. “Yes, about two years ago.”

“Everyone agreed it sounded like a good idea, and it did seem nice to go somewhere new. I’ll miss the shopping, though,” Iko said wistfully. “But that’s what the net’s for, right? Scarlet and Ze’ev agreed and Thorne flew me in on the Rampion. I – I wonder a little if it’s because they didn’t want me around,” she admitted.

Émilie grabbed both of her hands. “Well, I want you here. And so do Ze’ev and Scarlet. Screw them. You’re going to have the best vacation ever, okay?”

Iko looked down at their hands. “Okay.” She straightened up. “Okay! You’re right!”

“That’s the spirit!” Émilie’s eyes glimmered in the dying firelight. “Aww, look at them.” She pointed to the sleeping couple on the couch. “I think we should help get them to bed.”

Ze’ev jerked awake with wild eyes that softened almost immediately as soon as they touched his shoulders, but Scarlet slept soundly on his lap, snoring slightly. He blinked bleariness from his eyes, lifting Scarlet up, cradling her in his arms as he made his way towards their bedroom, her sleeping head lolling, red curls everywhere.

He emerged from their room to turn off the lights and clear up a few glasses. Émilie waved him off. “Go sleep, we can handle it.”

Ze’ev nodded reluctantly, sleep still heavy on his tongue as he invited Émilie to stay overnight if she didn’t want to take oh-so-unreliable Nellie back at this hour. He stumbled towards the closet, mumbled about blankets. Émilie guided him back to bed, a fond smile on her lips. “I know where the blankets are. You just sleep.”

Once the door was shut, they worked quickly and quietly, washing the dishes and pulling out blankets for Émilie’s makeshift bed on the couch.

Before she headed up the stairs, Iko turned to face Émilie. “Thanks for picking me up. And for – everything else.”

“Of course. I’ll see you in the morning?”

“Yeah. Sleep well, Émilie.” She had already wiggled underneath the blankets, only the top of her head sticking out. Iko smiled and shook her head.

In this new world she was trying to navigate, it was nice to have a friend.