#bpthingz

[cellophobia]

my meds are starting to work and thank GOD because truly the absolute last thing I needed was an actual psychotic break

[cellophobia]

hiii! welcome to my blog :) i'm sofie (23, she/her)

my blog mostly consists of things i find funny. i don't really have any fandoms or anything... just here for the vibes

i make personal posts a lot. personal text posts are under #cello.txt. i'm a recovering polysubstance addict and if you don't want to hear about that feel free to blacklist #drugs and #drugs cw. i also have mental illness in general & i especially struggle with bipolar disorder so whenever i post something particularly mentally ill i tag it with #bpthingz. you may not want to follow me if you don't want to see these things in general tbh, i lose my mind frequently on here lol.

follow my mushroom blog at @mushdooms ... if you want 👉👈

p.s. i'm autistic 😊 and im fat 👍 and i have trauma 😦

[cellophobia]

IM COPING SOBER

[cellophobia]

i went to the psychiatrist today and there is so much to fucking say. she was like "i don't know if im the provider for you if you can't stay on your medications" and "we keep changing things around and nothing is working."

i GET the not staying on meds part but girl ive been taking this medication for 10 months and ive been taking antipsychotics in general, CONSISTENTLY, for 2.5 years. is it not fucking valid to say that i don't want to take them anymore? just because im bipolar, i have to listen to you and put something in my body that I Don't Want To Put In My Body??? especially a medication class that is KNOWN to have some of the worst side effects of any mental health med.

antipsychotics have made me a zombie. they have made me stupid. they've made me emotionless and stoic and anhedonic. i have tried killing myself THREE TIMES this year alone and i was hospitalized multiple times for ideation from 2022-2023. guess how many times i was hospitalized from 2015-2022? ONCE. it's just getting fucking worse and worse and i can't imagine that it's a coincidence that it started getting worse once i started these meds.

i know hypomania can progress into mania and it's not always fun but holy fuck. she finally gave in and prescribed me lithium to try again but fuck it. i don't even want to see her again. i thought she was on my side but it seems like along with Every Fucking Person, she judges me. why can't i just be? why do i have to do this?

i honestly just don't give a fuck anymore. judge me for getting off my meds and judge me for being fat and judge me for getting high all the time. i've tried to hide it, i really have. if i get "bad" food, i hide it in the side yard so i can go get it without my mom seeing. but what's the fucking point? i don't care today. i walked in with booze and a soda and ice cream and no i really couldn't afford it but this will make me feel better, and maybe getting fucked up will make me feel better too.

im sorry but if i have to choose between brain damage from mania or brain damage from severe, persistent depression, im gonna choose the mania. and if you don't fucking sympathize with me and tsk tsk at me like i don't fucking know what i'm doing, then i really dont need you in my life.

[cellophobia]

i was about to make a post like "is there a way i can get someone to just listen to me ramble for hours without getting annoyed" and like. yes. the answer for that is Therapy

[cellophobia]

holy fuck i was in so much despair for so long and it feels like a fog has been lifted in my brain. i enjoy things again. I ENJOY THINGS AGAIN!!! i feel EMOTIONS again!!! i am taking care of myself, i'm working, i'm doing chores around the house. and it's all coming so easily to me now?

[cellophobia]

I really need to start lithium asap lmfao. I'm on 5 mg of abilify and while I am less irritable... I now have friends asking me if I'm taking my meds 😭 IM TAKING ALL OF THEM BABYY 💔💔💔

it is getting worse. I need treatment before I take out a high limit credit card. genuinely 😭

[cellophobia]

objective is to survive until january 9th. genuinely idk if i can but that's the goal 👍

[cellophobia]

my psych said my reaction to medications is "highly unusual" and he didn't say it like accusingly but why does it make me feel like im malingering lol 😭😭

[cellophobia]

Gary I need something i feel like such asssssssssss

[cellophobia]

so, super cool that I accidentally missed an Abilify dose and started experiencing psychotic symptoms a few hours later 😭

[cellophobia]

man im sleepy and i should go to bed because I NEED TO SLEEP (doctors orders) but I have so much on my mind

[cellophobia]

oh my god im fricken exhausted but im powered by a motor. I WORK TOMORROW 😭 not sure the exact class(es) ill be in...

[cellophobia]

the abilify is truly making me calm tf down I think. suddenly I have a LOT less to say... and it makes me wonder if I've just been in a months-long hypomanic episode that had varying degrees of intensity this entire time 😭 and was possibly made worse by gabapentin somehow

[cellophobia]

holy fuck i won a giveaway from the library district for a free t-shirt and i went to go get it today. i had greasy, pulled back hair. soulless, tired eyes. socks and sandals. short shorts. and my care bear purse with Do Your Best Bear visible. and they were like can we take a pic for social media? and i'm like okay i guess but honest to god i know it's a HORRIBLE picture and i haven't even seen it loool. i'm the mentally ill autist that SHOULD represent the library district though so...

[cellophobia]

> recovering addict

> gets prescribed a similar drug to my favorite drug

> takes low dose as needed, responsibly

> suddenly life is really good and i'm more productive, sociable, active

> i suspect mania but i always do so i just don't worry about it this time

> starts experiencing scathing rage after a few days

> so angry and irrational that i considered sleeping on the sidewalk when i got in a fight with my husband

> starts feeling bugs crawling on my face and having other minor hallucinations, paranoia

> oh fuck i'm screwed

> consults psychiatrist, says it sounds like a manic episode with symptoms of psychosis and that i should stop taking buspirone, which i was also just prescribed

> complies

> was mildly depressed the next day (today), very fatigued, and decided to take some gabapentin

> cleans every square inch of my bathroom

> realizes that gabapentin is what is making me manic

> .......

> takes more gabapentin

> gets high

> loses mind even more

> takes abilify hoping it'll calm me down quickly

> it does

> .............

> takes even more gabapentin

> gets even higher

> is dysphoric, manic, and high all at the same time

GIRL HELP ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️