#breakdno

[rxsethxrned]

saw some anti-kin comments while scrolling through the kin tag and. um. it kinda caused me to spiral. vent under the cut.

((y’know. these things aren’t directed at me specifically, but it’s hard not to feel hurt by them. you’d think I’d be smart enough to avoid blogs like these. but ofc I never believe that these anti-kin blogs make posts as hurtful as these. I always underestimate them. I always have my heart broken cause I’m a dumbass. it’s happened so much that I should be used to it. but I hate it. I hate this. I hate everything abt this why can’t we just get along why do I have to be judged and ridiculed for the biggest part of my identity. I can’t change this. I never chose this in the first place. you CAN’T choose. I personally try to remember as much as I can from my canons so I can figure out who I am on the inside--but also so I can try and be a better person in this life. cause in 99.9% of my canons I was,,,well I was a terrible person p much. never thought I’d be able to change. guess I was right.))

((why do I keep posting these things? no one wants to read this, not on a ‘pokemon rp blog’. it’s supposed to be a rp blog not my personal vent dump. but I have nowhere else to vent, no one else is there on my other blogs. ,,,why does my very existence have to be so problematic? I deserve to die over and over again. I’ve already died before in all my canons, it’s how you move from one to the next. should just die again right? I’m a horrible person and no one would miss me right? but I can’t go and die yet. I’ve made it my goal in this life to remember as much abt my past ones as I can. I recently figured out my new--or possibly even true--main. I can’t just,,,quit. but at the same time I’m just gonna forget it all again when I do die. so why spend so much time remembering?))

((you guys probably don’t understand a word I’m saying do you. basically I’m feeling hopeless. like I want to cry but I can’t. like I want to die but I can’t. like these anti-kin people are right. I’m just some delusional lunatic who has no idea what they’re talking abt and is just taking imagination too far. yup. must be it. that’s what everyone around here seems to think. last time I felt this bad was in 8th grade and I was sent to a mental hospital for a week. I don’t wanna go back there. but it’s gonna be hard to hide how shitty I feel from my mom. especially since I’m not gonna feel capable of going to school tomorrow. what do I even tell her? what do I say? that I feel like dying? she’ll send me back there in a heartbeat. I just,,,gotta deal with it.))

((but it’s hard. acting like everything’s ok when it’s not,,,I hate it. I’m tired of it. I always wanna talk abt my kin stuff and I can’t even tell most people offline. too terrified to tell my dad. terrified to tell people at school. my mom & sister & therapist know. that’s abt it for people offline. I doubt any of them fully understand. my therapist seems the most understanding but I only see her once every other week and I saw her this past wednesday so it’ll be a while.))

((gOD. I feel terrible but also somewhat numb at the same time. idk how to describe this I’m freaking othut. and ohijeez my typigns gettng wonky again oh no. shut up braon. brain. shutu ihb. shusih. ugbhhghhhghghgh i hagye evfyrfhtjmnbujbn and wantjktt ihuckhgn die. can’t. gonaa hith mhyyhead honf the plashitc bedframe mayebrthatwilfh rtelp. gonna sterpoj away fromgthr copmater forna bit. need tineew alomen.))