#bro just wanted to est the sun/moon

[alixlives]

intro post‼️

Created: November 20, 2022

Last Updated: March 30 2024 8:07AM

Section(s) last updated: who i will NOT write for

👇READ!!!

This blog is a regular blog where I create shitposts, ramble / post about my interests, etc, however it is ALSO a STRICTLY SFW tickle blog! If you follow simply for my regular posts that is perfectly okay! However do not be alarmed, and especially don’t be hateful, upon seeing a post related to tickles.

21+ DO NOT DM ME

Wanted to make i guess sort of a “proper” intro / pinned post. So here it is.

This will contain and interact, thin ice, dni, an about me, etc etc..

I AM A MINOR, I’M 14. N$FW / K1NK BLOGS / KN1SM0S / F3TISH BLOGS DO NOT INTERACT WITH ME.

21+ DO NOT DM ME

Bro, it’s tickling. You’ll live.

ABOUT ME

self explanatory;

only close moots may give nicknames & only close moots may call me toby!

I am in the eastern part of america, so EST!

My pronouns are he/star/xey/xe/rot/vamp/spike/it/they/enn/bug/moon/sun/bite/fang/fog/mew/dot/pop/claw/paw/fluff/feather. (If you dont want to / dont know how to use my neos, then just using he/they is acceptable but i do have a section on how to use them. ^^ )

i identify with xenogenders!! cluttergender, stargender, noctofloric, astralgender, astrumgender, nightmaregender, chaosgender, pincusmic, slimexenic, egogender, patchgender, spitegender, eldritchcatgender, lumicattic, fizzgender, staticgender, sillyfunkygender, chaosbitch, amareale, schooldoodlic, lovegender, nocstuffic, starmarked, pupsleepyic, yippeesplatic, starrydreamic, felisgender, lowercasegender, cosmosteillere, transxenog, IDONTFUCKINGKNOWgender, creepthedric, oddmischiecatic, sleepyboy, gnawstimmic, affectideric, catboything, lumifella, catnightic, catsplodic, chaoscatgender, sleepycatgender, tiredcatgender, starbrokenic, snappedmc, starrynightian, catgender, devilcatgender, and blueraspgender!! ^^

Everything on my blog is COMPLETELY SFW. NSFW DNI

My favorite color, if it wasn’t obvious, is red. :]

My birthday is october 22!! :D

I AM A BIG INNITER!!! I AM A TOMMYINNIT ENJOYER. BE WARNED/hj

i LOOOOOVEEE LOVE LOVE HAZBIN HOTEL ESPECIALLY ALASTOR!!!!!!!!!!! PLS TALK TO ME ABOUT HAZBIN HOTEL / ALASTOR

I am a swiftie. I love taylor swift and i will post and talk about here. Be warned/hj

I AM 14 DONT BE WEIRD

My first language is english! BUT!! I am currently learning Indonesian & I’d like to learn Spanish ^^ (I was trying to learn italian for a while but i stopped to focus on indonesian… i can’t do more than one at a time :’). )

HOW TO USE MY NEOS AND XENOS:

Xey/Xem/Xeirs, pronounced “Zay, zem, zairs”:

“This is my friend Ran! Xey are very nice!”

“This is my friend! Xeir name is Tommy.”

“Oh, that belongs to Ran, not me. I’m just borrowing it from xem.”

Xe/Xir/Xirs, pronounced “zee, zer, zers”

“Tommy said xe want’s to be left alone.”

“Ran said xe wants xir book back.”

“I think that pen is xirs.”

Star/stars/starself:

“This is Ran! Star is very cool!”

“Tom did it all by starself!”

“Is that stars pen?”

Moon/moons/moonself:

“I think moon is very nice!”

“I asked moon if i could borrow moons pen.”

“They said he’d rather do it by moonself.”

Sun/suns/sunself:

“Tom said that sun would like to be left alone.”

“Ran said that the pen is suns.”

“Tommy couldn’t believe that sun figured it out all by sunself!”

Enn/enns/ennself:

“That belongs to enn.”

“Look at enns drawing!”

“Enn completed the assignment by ennself.”

Bug/bugs/bugself:

“Bug likes to draw!”

“Bug’s papers are in that pile”

“Bug tried it by bugself”

Claw/claws/clawself:

“Claw did claws work by clawself”

Paw/paws/pawself:

“Paw likes to draw”

“Paws seat is over there”

“Paw prefers to work by pawself”

mew/mews/mewself:

“Mew finished mews assignment by mewself!”

vamp/vamps/vampself:

“Vamp likes art!”

“Look at vamp’s new drawing!”

“Vamp did it by vampself!”

rot/rots/rotself

“Did you see what rot did?”

“That’s rots book, rot borrowed it earlier.”

“Rot prefers to sit by rotself.”

bite/bites/biteself:

“Bite fell asleep early.”

“Bite loves bites cat.”

“Bite set it up by biteself.”

Fog/fogs/fogself:

“Fog prefers to work alone.”

“Fog said that fogs poem is finished.”

“Fog completed fogs work by fogself.”

FANDOMS:

TADC !!!!!! >:D

Dream smp(kinda-? Just some CC’s)

THE SORRY BOYS

FNAF

South Park

DHMIS

INTERACT:

DSMP fans!

DHMIS fans :D

South park fans

TADC FANS!!!!!!

HAZBIN HOTEL FANS PLSSPLSPLS

Basically anyone who shares the same interests as me:]

SFW tickle blogs / writers / artists

dsmp artists!

people 11-17!

THIN ICE:

18+, you can interact as long as you dont post NSFW content

People who often / mostly write / draw feet tkls

Mostly write / draw with tkl tools

people that dont use tone indicators (i personally struggle with understanding tone / what people mean when they say things, and i get embarrassed to ask what something means soo,,)

DNI:

people who post ONLY NSFW content

basic dni criteria (racists, homophobes, etc)

people with ‘minors dni’ in their bio

people who purposefully misuse tone tags

dsmp antis

people who think that sfw tickle blogs are kink blogs

DTEAM FANS.

People who force religion / toxic religious people

Wilbur soot fans / defenders

THINGS I WILL / WILL NOT WRITE / WHO I WRITE FOR

things i WILL write:

SFW tickle fics (mostly dsmp & hazbin hotel, but if you request south park or TADC ill try to do that!)

c or cc fics

platonic ships

fluffy tickles

cheer up tickles

anything that is NOT nsfw or kink

things i WILL NOT write:

NSFW tickle fics

romantic ships (unless its canon / the people are actually dating / married)

non-consented tickles

feet tickles

tickles using tools (if its a character with wings / a tail i will do that, nothing else.)

bondage (farthest ill go is the ler pinning them down & holding up their arms with their hands, or pinning the lee’s hands down with their knees)

Fandoms i will write for:

DSMP

HAZBIN HOTEL

THE SORRY BOYS

SOUTH PARK

People / characters i will NOT write for. (If a CC / character you want to request is on neither of these lists, i am probably okay with writing for them.)

Dream

Sapnap

GNF

Eric Cartman

Valentino (Hazbin Hotel)

Wilbur Soot

MUTUALS / FRIENDS

close friends/moots:

@/wilbyscoot

@/slimeylee

@/coolbananas143

@/dallyhall

@/alexartist89

@/totallynotbat

@/nekoma-not-lee

@/themidnightfox

@/positiveglitchexists

@/g1ggleebug

@/aleestor

@/snake-anon

@/chocolateydinosaur

these people are definitely who im closest with, and im so thankful for them all. they all make my days so much better and idk where i’d be had i not met them

moots, but dont talk much / would love to talk to more

@/ticklishthoughts1

@/soscaryong

@/aero-dienamics

these people are cool as shit and therefore im scared to talk to them and i wonder how we ended up mutuals (/pos)

internet sibling(s):

@/olliethestrangenerd

SIBLING !! OLDER SIBLING!! OLLIE!!!!

@/wilbyscoot

WIL!! BIG BRO WIL !! <33

@/coolbananas143

big sibling amanda !!<3

@/g1ggleebug

raccoons like a little brother to me. hes older than mebut hes like a little brother to me

@/dallyhall

..SIBLING

@/f3ngari

No explenation just sibling

@/nekoma-not-lee

OLDER SSIIIIIIBBBLIIING (OLD BITCH/lh)

@/positiveglitchexists

ghooossstttt!!!/pos

@/ray-of-midnight-storm

AAAAAAAA

@/snake-anon

RAAAHHHHHH GHOST GHOST GHOST YIPPIEE!!!!!!

EXTRAS

hehehehehdfhxjhdhshd music::3

other accounts:

@tobyunreal - non tk blog

@tobywritesstuff - writing blog

@tobymakesart - art blog

@toby-exists - vent blog

BOUNDARIES

BOUNDARIES!! YAY!!

Do not force me into asking for teases / tickles (ex; “You have to ask or else i wont do anything!”) I get to you its just silly fun, but it makes me feel overwhelmed / pressured, and i will likely get so nervous from it i will breakdown & not want it anymore. /lh/nm/srs

NOTHING N$FW OR K1NK.

No bondage / stocks / tools when teasing (Includes feathers / brushes etc)

No feet tickles when teasing, at all.

I, personally, am not a big fan of being teased publicly (Discord servers, tumblr reblogs etc) I would rather be teased in dms (Only goes for full on teases)

No homophobia / transphobia / sexism / misogyny / antisemeticism / bigotry on my blog.

Do not send me gore or anything like that.

21+ DO NOT DM!!!!

i get that i am a sfw tickle blog, and that i like tickles, but remember i do not always want to talk about tickles or be teased. please do not twist something i say into being about me being a lee, or dont just randomly start trying to tease me out of nowhere. i am a person outside of my blog !!

I am A MINOR!!! I AM 14!!! PLEASE DO NOT INTERACT WITH ME IF YOU ARE AN N$FW BLOG, A K1NK BLOG OR A F3TISH BLOG.

thats all! :D Love u guys &lt;;33

[minivirgo]

est-ce que je peux te suggérer de répondre à toutes les questions (sauf celles que tu veux pas) ou est-ce que c'est plate de ma part de pas choisir?

do you have a crush on anyone? TRY TO GUESS

what’s your favorite candy? anything that has nuts/peanuts and chocolate in it… reese’s, m&ms… skittles are also great

favorite love song? there’s too many i have a playlist named ‘’:3’’ that’s full of love songs

what was your first kiss like? i dont even remember it that well lmao. it was alright i guess

what was your last kiss like? ti bisou sur le front avant de partir

sexual/romantic orientation? bi baby

do you prefer poems or love letters? i will say love letters because im more familiar with them but ….. my dream is to receive a love poem in a cute envelope in the mail ;___;

have you ever been in love? yEAH…… right now :3

favorite milkshake flavor? i only ever tried vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. i think my favourite was chocolate but it’s been a long time

dinner dates or brunch dates? brunch date with my bros @cul-de-saque @nopadsnohelmets @babycows ..... that’s what dreams are made of

favorite perfume/cologne? for me anything that smells fresh and sweet and calming like lavender or rose or vanilla…. for my partner i am. greatly obsessed with his deodorant lmao it smells amazing i want to buy it for myself but i dont know if it’s weird to smell the same lol

favorite candle scent? lavender + grapefruit 

what’s the most attractive thing a person could wear? a big watch (pardon vovo de vo(vo)ler ton obsession)

snow, rain, or sun? all three !!!!! but i think snow + sun is a great combo it gets so bright outside

sweetest romantic memory? my summer escape with my bf and the laughs shared in the river and the shooting star watching right after he asked me to get in a relationship…. hihihi

what’s your dream wedding like? bro i don’t know…….. but ive been thinking of marriage every day for the past months lol what’s wrong with me ??? 

what makes you blush? when people point out really specific things they like about me...... and when im told i have a nice butt. it’s true and i agree. -__-

do you believe in love at first sight? i believe you can fall in love quickly but at first sight is a little extreme but who am i to know !

do you believe in soulmates? yes……… im cheesy

denim jackets, leather jackets, or bomber jackets? denim 

what’s your sign? virgo sun, libra moon, cancer rising :3 

are you single? no hihihihi

do you prefer to charm, or be charmed? be charmed :3

guitar or piano? bro you can’t make me choose……… 

do you fall in love easily? tough question… i feel like i’ve only been in love twice and one of those ended up real bad. i think i don’t fall in love easily but once i fall in love i fall in it really deeply and i have a hard time reading the red flags if there are any and a hard time moving on

valentine’s decorations: yay or nay? yay the aesthetics of valentine’s are *chef’s kiss*

would you prefer to propose or be proposed to? what’s your dream proposal? i dont even know if that’s something i will ever do ! but IF i do i think i would prefer to be proposed to bc ive never taken the first steps ever bc im shy and insecure 

cloud gazing or star gazing? StAR GAZING 

do you like to dance? i never really do but i’m sure it can be fun

kittens or puppies? i refuse to take a pick !!! (but i will say kitten bc my cat is next to me hihihi)

coffee, hot chocolate, or tea? all of the above ?? 

favorite soda? ginger ale

do you prefer gazing wistfully out the window or lying dramatically over the sofa? gazing wistfully out the orléans express window………...

favorite pajamas? my huge snoopy pyjama… it’s amazingly soft ! it’s just a shirt with buttons that don’t stay closed so i usually end up not wearing the top all night but the shorts are amazing omg i will sleep in shorts instead of pants even in the middle of winter 

do you think about love a lot? bro that’s the only thing on my mind 24/7...

a walk in the park or a walk on the beach? walk in the park ! there’s no beach near me and walking in the sand is a struggle lol… but i would love to go soon i think the last time i stood on the beach was in 2016 O_O 

hand kisses or nose kisses? nose kisses :3 but the ultimate is forehead kisses

what’s your dreamhouse? lots of wood, lots of plants, a garden with veggies and herbs and flowers, big windows, a cozy attic with a triangle roof, a clawfoot tub, vines on the outside walls…..

[funny-bones-mcjones]

wrote this and never finished 😔✌:

The sky was dark; an eerie chill fell over the pavement as it succumbed to the void of emptiness. Rumours were whispered between the citizens of the town, passed from ear to ear in torchlight, accusations shut down as quickly as they were spoken because nothing made sense. And yet it must.

Because someone had stolen the sun.

But who?

"Well," Lady Bug shouted out in exasperation, "It must be the Spiders! They've been stealing all of my plants this year, everyone knows that! They must have wanted something bigger..."

"Hey wait a second!" Mr spider interrupted, "The only reason we stole your plants is because you stole our sugar! It was a fair trade!"

"Doesn't sound very fair to me-"

"Shut it, both of you." Sir Cricket calmly intervened, causing the bug and arachnid to groan, "There's no point in throwing around accusations without evidence."

"I suppose."

"Fine..."

"So who do you think did it then Sir?" The child Spider asked, arm extended high in the air.

"Well, taking into consideration the evidence that we have gathered-"

"-Which is none!" Queen Bee, shouted before bursting into a fit of giggles.

"Considering the evidence that I have gathered, there's reason to believe that it was Madame Moth."

"Moi? Comment dire une chose pareille! Le soleil est comme ma famille, mon sang-"

"Uh come again?" Lord Butterfly asked, flapping his wings awkwardly.

"She said frick off," Countess Caterpillar squirmed with laughter.

"Wait, what evidence is there against her anyway?"

"Yeah, we haven't been told your evidence Cricket! For all we know you could have stolen the moon and you're now blaming it on Madame Moth!"

"How dare y-"

"Stop."

Everyone fell silent as they turned towards the mosquito.

"We all know who did it. We all know who always does it."

"Well why should we listen to you!" Lady Bug shrieked, "you're not even a Lady or Lord."

"Or a King or a Queen."

"Or a Countess or a Count."

"Or a Sir or a Madame."

"You're just a crazy mosquito!"

"I may not be a Lord or Lady, a King or Queen, a Sir or a Madame. I may not be rich and powerful like all of you but that's why you need to listen to me! You may think I'm crazy but you're the ones who have been living lies, you're the ones who are blinded by the luxury of what you have. I bet none of you were even outside when the sun was stolen today were you? Well I was, because I have no grand hive to go back to and do you want to know what I saw? I saw the humans trapping us, I saw them steal the sun from above us and I saw you all rush out to blame eachother. The humans have made you all co-dependent on them, they've made you turn against eachother so that when they strike you side with them and turn against everyone else. They've poisoned our society for their own selfish needs and you've all fallen for it because they paint your pictures on their nursery school signs. It makes me sick."

"The humans stole the sun from us because they're greedy and had nothing left to take, so they took us."

B-Bro

I- this is ABSOLUTLY FANTASTIC!!!

Lmaoo I wish I could right like that!!

[adamisms]

⌠ MENA MASSOUD, 24, CIS MALE, HE/HIM ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, ADAM HASSAN! according to their records, they’re a THIRD year, specializing in COVERT OPERATIONS; and they DID NOT go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of (converse squeaking down the halls, playing cards shuffling in his hands, a black hood raised up and his eyes cast low, a bag packed in the corner of the room just in case). when it’s the (libra)’s birthday on 10/10/96, they always request their KUSHARI from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ deanna, 25, she/her, est ⍀

NAME: Adam Laith Hassan

KNOWN AS: Adam

BIRTHDATE:  October 10, 1996

ASTROLOGY:  Libra sun / Virgo moon / Sagittarius rising

HOMETOWN: Henderson, Nevada

GENDER:  Cis male  ( he/him )

SEXUAL ORIENTATION:  Pansexual

HEIGHT:  5'8"

HAIR COLOR:  Brown

EYE COLOR:  Brown

TATTOOS:  Three lines on the back of his neck & a sunflower on his side 

KNOWN LANGUAGES:  English, Arabic, Spanish, French

ABOUT.

Adam was born outside of Las Vegas to overbearing and miserable parents, the kind that only seem to get enjoyment out of going to church and telling their son everything he does wrong. He’s not allowed much of a life beyond the walls of their house.

Becomes a rowdy boy, much to his parent’s dismay. They send him away to boarding school as soon as they can, where he makes a fun little name for himself as Class Clown. The school is just as strict as his parents, so he doesn’t fit in well with the faculty there, but the students love him. Adam becomes part of the “Popular” crowd, but it’s not without its issues. 

During his junior year in high school, Adam and his friends decide to prank on a teacher and it goes too far. Half of the East wing ends up in flames, and despite him and his friends agreeing to come forward about it together, Adam hadn’t gotten the memo that the rest of them were going to bail. Instead the entire situation gets pinned on him. The school expels him and calls up his parents to come pick him up. That night he packs a bag and leaves campus, fully aware his parents are not the forgiving type.

Adam hitchhikes himself to Las Vegas and ends up making a home for himself there. Always the charismatic and friendly type, he’s quick to find a community of other kids like him, and together they learn the best motels and abandoned buildings to squat in, until they get enough money for their own place. An avid fan of close-up magic, Adam uses his skills to charm tourists on the streets of Vegas -- and when they’re not looking, steal wallets or watches as well. He was also one of those guys who would dance in the street for cash, simply because he loves to dance. His hustles with him and his friends improved as they got older, but it never went beyond stealing to survive, even if Adam never thought about it like that.

Around the age of nineteen the cops start to catch onto him and his group, so they decide to say goodbye to Vegas and move to LA, pulling the same stunts on the beaches of California. Los Angeles certainly has its perks, but he does find himself missing the bright lights of the Strip. 

Not long after coming to Los Angeles, Adam ends up stealing the watch off of a man who quickly catches him in the act and doesn’t let him get away. Instead of turning him in to the cops, he offers to buy Adam dinner, and he spends the entire evening learning about Adam’s current living situation.  ( Adam, naturally, thinks he’s trying to proposition him, but takes the free meal anyway. )  At the end of dinner the man offers him his business card, saying he works for an elite college and thinks he’d be a great candidate for it. Adam tucks his card away into his wallet, never planning on using it.

An unfortunate side effect of living in Las Vegas was a small gambling addiction that Adam never quite recognized. It’s not his fault when he finally got spending money, he was more interested in trying to grow it at the poker table.  (He knows how to count cards, lord help him.) The addiction follows him to LA, choosing to bet on sports rather than cards, something he’s definitely not as good at. He’s twenty-one when his debts suddenly become too large for him to take on, and there are a lot of angry people looking for him. So Adam pulls out the business card of the man he had met two years ago and hopes for a miracle. 

A few weeks later, he finds himself enrolled in a prestigious spy university in middle America  ( NOT Blackthorne ) . His recruiter had warned him that it wasn’t going to be easy to adjust at first, and it wasn’t. Adam was able to keep up in his classes just fine -- he enjoyed it, even -- but he didn’t like the environment, reminding him too much of his boarding school days. At the end of the year, the recruiter who had become his mentor had told him about a similar college in Virginia that had just opened its doors to accepting male students. He was able to pull some strings for Adam, causing Adam to arrive at Gallagher as a second year, the first year boys were allowed on campus.  

Adam is the class clown type, a real goofball that comes off inherently lazy, though he is serious about his studies, because he knows better than to look a gift horse in the mouth. He’s a classic “yes man” who will do just about anything for the hell of it and with zero shame. He’s here for a good time, not a long time! He has zero shame. Surprisingly he’s also a hopeless romantic, the type to fall in and out of love in the span of a few weeks. He reels people with his charm and cute smile, but it’s better in small doses, otherwise he’s just a little annoying.

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

Ex from last year

Crushes

Someone with a crush on him

People he could know from Vegas or Los Angeles

Someone related to his mentor figure that got him into the spy world

Someone from the first spy school he went to before transferring

Bros <3

A best friend

Literally anything from last school year aka his first year at Gallagher

Something from here

Idk I’m very lazy right now, but I’m down for anything

[bleubeard]

𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐃𝐔𝐂𝐈𝐍𝐆… HELLO EVERYONE i’m minnie! i’m twenty five years old, in the est timezone, and my pronouns are she/her. my favorite color is yellow, i get apollo on every greek mythology quiz so i’ve just accepted him into my being — i even have a tattoo of the sun, moon and stars to represent me and my two best friends, and i am the sun. i’m a sagittarius sun/gemini moon/gemini rising, an enneagram 7w8 and a mbti enfp

𝐖𝐇𝐈𝐂𝐇 𝐖𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐑𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐁𝐄: 𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐋, 𝐃𝐄𝐌𝐎𝐍 𝐎𝐑 𝐌𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐀𝐋? i would be a mortal for SURE, and gifted. i am FAR too fickle and prone to change to be an angel or a demon. as my boyfriend likes to say, the only thing consistent about me is change.

𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐌𝐘𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐋 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘 𝐎𝐑 𝐋𝐄𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐃? i love biblical mythology, growing up as a pastor’s daughter and a christian! whether as sacred text or as a collection of legends, the bible is beautifully written and its stories are magnificent. of them all, i’ve always loved the story of ruth, isaac being placed on the altar and joseph.

𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐃𝐎 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐌𝐎𝐒𝐓 𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐖𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆? more than how eloquent it sounds or how well it flows, i prioritize the emotion in my writing. on my better days, i do a pretty decent job!

𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐃𝐎 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐃𝐎 𝐎𝐍 𝐀 𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐍𝐘 𝐃𝐀𝐘? what i do on normal days, just getting annoyed at being wet throughout. if i have no errands or run or nothing pressing to do, i’ll just grab a cup of coffee or tea, binge a tv show or read a book i love.

𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐀𝐑𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐏𝐄𝐒? right now, i am obsessed with hateships… cas has correctly pointed out how i tend to go for underestimated women or powerful women as characters, also hehe

𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐖𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐃𝐄𝐒𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐁𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐀𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐂? very naked, very warm and light, a little messy… idk, i honestly have very little sense of aesthetic. i’m just wingin it out here bro

𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐓𝐘𝐏𝐄𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐒? bring back chatzy events baby !!!! i love the ones where there’s a lot of room to interact with new and different characters — a bit open-ended, so i can reach out to my connections and brainstorm creative ways to develop my character and their relationships. think of balls and masquerades, festivals, etc.

𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐀𝐑𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐌𝐎𝐒𝐓 𝐄𝐗𝐂𝐈𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐄𝐄? i am so excited to see all the bios come out and who people are most interested in !! all of them are SO well-written, complex and nothing short of incredible, so if you want to come yelling about who you like most and whatnot, i am ALL EARS because that’s the shit i live for!!!

[hauntingfm]

𝖜𝖍𝖆𝖙 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖋𝖑𝖎𝖕 𝖎𝖘 𝖚𝖕 , 𝖙𝖚𝖇𝖊𝖗𝖘 ?? it me , ur girl ... moe ! i am twenty years old , i prefer she / her pronouns , and i stay being a dumbass in the est . this is my best boy , lot . i hope you all grow to be as fond of him as i am because i am whipped for my baby . i would also just like to take a quick moment to sing my praises for reed & hannah because they have done such a good job at compiling such a god tier group of people to write this story . like , 10/10 best admins in the game . anywho ! pls don’t hesitate to drop into the read more to learn more about LOT KANG !

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐒 .

full name : lancelot elijah kang .  age : twenty .  date of birth : november 18 , 1999 .  zodiac : scorpio sun , pisces moon , taurus rising .  gender & pronouns : cismale & he / him ! major : american literature .  year : second year .  romantic orientation : panromantic .  sexual orientation : pansexual .  occupation : sales associate at bookends .  label : the shakespearean tragedy . 

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐀𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐂 .

inspiration : nick miller , freddie benson , robbie shapiro & his puppet rex , wes gibbons , that one kid in class who NEVER talks but suddenly offers up an unpopular opinion at the end of the semester & you never hear from him again ,  ricky bowen , and cameron frye . 

aesthetics : half finished mugs of coffee with too much creamer in them , dogeared book pages , a couple handfuls of unanswered texts , barbie bandaids wrapped around bloodied fingers , crying silently in the shower , romantic lines of poetry scribbled on the bottom of a beloved skateboard , longing to wake up from a dreadful nightmare , the tightness in your chest before you have to give a presentation in class , torn denim , rain on the pavement , a backpack full of an assortment of literature from all over the world . 

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐀𝐒𝐓 . 

so little lancelot kang was born in a tiny little town in florida after his parents moved there from south korea to start on a new adventure . they lowkey hated it but their tiny house became a home to six kangs pretty quickly - mrs . kang gave birth to four little boys !

lancelot HATED his name so he literally forced everyone to call him lot or else ! and for the most part , this demand was respected . unless you were his mother when he was in trouble or his brothers when they wanted to bother him . 

but like , aside from the obvious lack of space in their house & wildly busy schedules , the kangs were pretty happy ! 

( cancer & death tw ) unfortunately , this happiness did not last for long . lot’s mother was diagnosed with cancer pretty late & only had a few months left to live . she told her husband & twelve - year - old lot , thinking that the rest of the boys were too young to understand . so , young lot carried around the knowledge of his mother’s illness , the information feeling like a ticking time bomb strapped to his shoulders . a few months later , mrs . kang passed away , leaving her husband & four young boys . in order to pay for the kids & the hospital bills & funeral costs , mr . kang had to pick up more jobs . this left preteen lot to care for his three little brothers , with no choice but to grow up much quicker than he or his parents would have liked . 

( alcoholism tw ) mr . kang would often come home late after lot had already put all the younger boys to bed . the oldest boy knew to have a drink ready for his father when he got home , but the glass bottles began piling up . the boys’ father would often need the help of alcohol to get to sleep every night because if he didn’t black out from the drinks , he would have dreams about his wife . he couldn’t handle seeing her , even if it was in a dream . lot saw her in his dreams too , but he didn’t have the choice of alcoholic beverages to numb himself at such a young age .

so instead , the boy turned to a dream journal to write about his thoughts & experiences while in his mind . however , this dream journal began to bleed into non - dream journals . these journals were filled with poems , long - winded essays , short stories , sonnets , etc . lot was filled with too many emotions to stay quiet , but the boy had nowhere else to express himself .

lot immersed himself so deeply in his stories & poetry & raising the boys & taking care of his father that university snuck up on him . he graduated high school & had no plan for himself . so , he took a gap year to tie up any loose ends at home & get the youngest  kang into high school before he even considered university . but with the help of financial aid & pushes from all of his brothers , lot decided to attend covington university & major in american literature .

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓 & 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒 . 

lot is a real hopeless romantic who deeply longs to love & be loved . however , everyone he asks out turns him down or he’s too afraid to even speak to them in the first place .

he’s just such a dirtbag , but a dirtbag with the kindest heart & love for books , poetry , theatre , falling deeply in love , and the like . 

lot is very scared of his twenty first birthday because he doesn’t want to start drinking like his dad & he has been able to use his age as an excuse for why he doesn’t drink without giving anyone information . but once his twenty first birthday hits, that excuse will no longer be available & he is afraid of being pressured into drinking . 

lot gets tired of his own face really easily so he’s always switching up his hair or getting new piercings . 

as u can probably tell, lot is very strongly connected to his dreams whether he likes it or not . the man rarely gets a good night’s rest because he experiences such real shit in his dreams & it feels like information is always being communicated to him somehow in these dreams . part of lot knows that he would be very good at astral projecting, but he’s very scared of the concept . 

bro idk i will be putting up a wcs page real soon . please love me & my son . thank u for reading . hope to talk to all of u soon ! pls like this for me to come bother you on discord about plotting !

[tvshowsyespls]

It’s not just their interaction that matters, it’s seeing their actions whilst fully aware of their pasts to identify growth/change and how others can see their love even when they are not physically together: it’s in how Josie says ‘my father is a fool, one look at you and he should’ve known how this would end’, it’s in how Bellamy seems to ‘care about her more’ than everyone else he cares about (according to J, who is apparently great at reading people est. ep7). It’s how Russell says to Josie ‘have you become so callous to the feelings of others that you don’t remember what it’s like to lose someone you love?’ when canonically she has only expressed loss with Gabriel. She talks about how G has been trying to kill her for 70 years and says ‘relationships, yknow?’ As if B was gonna be like ‘lol tru’, then she takes a walk down memory lane, saying ‘besties’ before claiming how BC is ‘weird’. You’re right Josie, louder!

It’s weird because in s1, the script says Bellamy was thrown by the intimacy then said that for a moment Clarke wanted to run away with him as she held his face in her hands? platonically?What even?? I know, so glad we got this 131 year old slow burn instead. It’s weird because they flirted and C invited B to get a drink with her but B turned her down, choosing to be the responsible boy that will have his fun when the grounders come... It’s weird because there was a Lexa-Clarke-Bellamy love triangle according to Alycia (Do I even need to go on?)

It’s weird because Clarke jumped on Niylah after putting her hand on top of hers that were on her shoulders, it’s her mating ritual for when she wants to get laid. Observe: she pulled the same shit on Bellamy in the list scene only for him to tell her ‘get some sleep’ (LOL awks - who told her to platonically smush her face on top of their hands that rested on her shoulder for 10+ seconds - maybe B was thrown by the intimacy again bc he was like ‘gtg’ lol) and she ended up in Niylah’s bed the next morning.

It’s weird because Clarke was willing to sacrifice her mother in s3 (Abby was literally hanging when B came in right on time) but gave into Roan’s blackmail with B and Kane in s4 - WELL of course because Kane is her stepdad!!! but...she was willing to let her mum die and that’s exactly what she reminds Roan and the viewers before it becomes canon that Bellamy is THAT pal ™ that is more important than your mother + 50 skykru lives that were dropped from the list just like that even though the whole season Clarke had been all for her people first. Remember when he was about to open the bunker and Clarke fully thought she was saving the human race by locking skykru in but let B open it anyway, crying as she couldn’t even shoot him in the leg or something? Talk about WEAK! Bellamy somehow convinced her to let everyone in?👀 Clexa coalition parallels anyone? No? Ok.

Remember how she looked as she volunteers to go with B to get Raven even tho 5 secs ago, she was ok leaving her and every other friend and human out to die? (Sidenote: ‘I never meant to hurt you’ like CLARKE PLS, you were about let around 600 people die and ur talking about Bellamy? Check urself, he’s pissed too - until he isn’t because Clarke says ‘nothing is okay, no matter what I choose, somebody always dies’ which makes B make light of it (bc he always understands) with ‘not shooting me was the right choice’ leading to it being canon that BC staring at each other causes them to run over someone and crash their very necessary life-saving vehicle... Who tf wrote this???) Throwback to TondC (‘I did it to save Bellamy’ followed ‘what if I sent him in there to die’ which followed ‘you should go, I was being weak’ - the LENgths she was willing to go to progressed with her worry for him that it was truly tragic for the grounder villagers (but tbf Lexa did convince her so Heda is right, they totally couldn’t have created a fire diversion as Clarke suggested) and that worry turned into literal platonic love as, for a moment, it was tragic for everyone outside the bunker too that second times C had to make a similar choice. The narrative really made Clarke say and do those things in that order huh? Wow) Remember how she was ready to let O die and keep B in the bunker, have him hate her to parallel kabby that season? HOW is B still alive? He was all like ‘I’m not gonna be in the bunker’ and Clarke’s like ‘you WILL’ before he even finishes his sentence lol. He did say ‘people die when you’re in charge’ and yet... it’s almost like idk, Clarke never wants to lose him ever.

Platonically of course because their attraction to each other has disappeared since s1... because you see that person and you’re like ‘lol nvm, ur not as hot as I remember 6 years ago when we were giving each other the looks™’ right? So you just watch them make out with their SO twice in canon to drive that point home. Especially when it’s your bff that you talked to everyday for 2199 days according to Flame!Madi who strutted right up to Bellamy, demanded he forgive C (lexa, is that you fighting in Clarke’s corner? 😭) before telling him something she ‘SHOULDN’t’ tell him?? Sorry Clarke, was this a private thing that Madi was privy to that she felt she shouldn’t expose or did you tell her not to mention it?? Madi said ‘she called YOU’ lol, like when is Madi gonna expose Clarke’s radio calls to Raven pls, I need the platonic princess mechanic relationship instantly restored like that! The radio call elixir: makes you soft for you bff and invite her to decide the fate of the human race as you always do (we genuinely love a platonic team!) despite the fact she left you to die 2 days ago for endangering her kid in the name of stopping the war, which she herself decided to later do after Lexa, her romantic soulmate, tells her not to make the same mistake she did because it would be her biggest regret. Lexa tells C don’t abandon your platonic pal™, love is not weakness and life should be about more than just surviving. Did Lexa say Bellarke rights, Clarke be happy and let yourself love him? No, Lexa wants BC to live like her and Clarke did in her bed? No, no, Lexa said ‘live like Clexa, but don’t have sex’? Yup that’s what happened. And C has the audacity to say ‘save him’ after giving her child permission to walk into a war zone and endanger her life like.. I prayed Lexa protects Madi yes pls.

Either way, let your bff know you love him! Say ‘bro, you kept me sane and I love you for that’- it’s easy gsjsjah why you making it so hard, girl?? Hug and move on, let’s go! There was a perfect opportunity around that fire where you instead wasted time saying ‘all of me for all of us’ to just B? (All of u is for all two of you huh? Jk jk lol this is the most platonic thing in s5, I digress) before giving him ur bread lmao y so dramatic, we love extra af jokester pals (I do really like the platonic bad jokes fr tho 😂👌🏾)

(All is fun and games until the joy of reuniting with Madi is gone the second she sees becho. Like SMILE, Clarke, your soulmate pal ™ found his romantic soulmate like you found yours, remember?)

EVERY DAY for 2199 days huh?: It’s canon that Clarke Griffin after getting radiation roasted, decided to pick up her radio from the floor with her blistered hand that first day to try to call Bellamy, wanting to find out asap if he were alive... He didn’t respond and C had two choices they were alive or they were dead? Either way she said fuck it, Imma hope he’s alive and imma call Bellamy every day like the pal™ that I am, not even thinking like this: ‘imma talk to lexa bc she’s the love of my life and it’s literally just been 2-3 months since she got put in the flame and the flame is on Earth with me so I’m at peace.’ Like why wasn’t that canon instead?? Instead we got ‘I still have hope’ @ B 2199 days later.

The platonicness of Madi looking at Bellamy only and going ‘Clarke knew you would come’ and grabbing him by the hand like she’s his BFF? (that’s Clarke’s BFF Madi, get your own!) sorry but Madi has never met him in her life but she’s like ‘Clarke’s in trouble’ and suddenly B has been kidnapped by a kid. The rest of spacekru left alone in the forest to figure out their own shit bc B said ‘gtg save my bestie brb’ - NOT EVEN, he straight up left them stranded LMAO. (S6 in a nutshell tbh) Then Clarke in s6 has the audacity to look caught ™ when B casually brings radio calls up as friends would, he says it’s a lil pathetic and Clarke becomes the literal sun and B becomes the moon, shining all the laughs right back at her. Meanwhile, Clarke’s large ass pupils are drinking in all this HAPPINESS - not to reach but was that an example of life being more than just surviving? We actually have time for jokes and banter now? Fck Yeah ✨✨

What’s funny is the fact that Jordan knew about the head and the heart convo from s4 because B must’ve told Monty/Harper somewhere between being on the ring and before going into cryo. Since s5 was canon of what happened between returning to earth and going into cryo, logic leads me to believe Bellamy talked to marper about the head and the heart on the ring. It’s funny how Bellamy still got emotional when she’s brought up 6 years after ‘her death’ (Clexa parallels anyone?) and funny how determined he is to honour Clarke’s last words (be the head so their friends survive) only to say ‘I don’t need you anymore’ under psychosis, is that a trauma I see? 👀 soz, did I miss the season Bellamy said he needed Clarke? Only Clarke says the word need (‘I need you’, ‘we need each other, Bellamy’) unless that’s what he meant when he said ‘you got it backwards’ (@ Jaha saying you keep her centered)or when he whispered ‘I’ve got you for that’ or when he shouted ‘I CAN’T lose Clarke... we can’t lose her’. Either way, I love platonic soulmates that need each other.

(Randomly just remembered when B had that nice pal talk with Wells about how Clarke never sees him when Finn’s around, lolll what?? Weirdo. BC parallels with Wells and Clarke? Yes pls)

Tell your bff you love them challenge ft. Clarke who said ‘u look fine today, sad boy so I’mma look you over from the tips of ur toes to the top of ur head platonically then tell you you’re special and that your sis will come around’ and B who canonically says ‘Clarke, if I don’t see you again-‘ only for Clarke to be like ‘you WILL’ before B even finished his sentence - it’s rude to interrupt your friends when they’re talking Clarke! He was only gonna say ‘may we meet again’ anyway bc for some reason y’all bffs don’t canonically say ‘I love you [bro]’ and maybe B knows it’s because you hate I love yous and don’t say it unless you think it’s goodbye forever.

It’s in how Clarke puts Bellamy at the same level as Madi and cannot face Bellamy in her mind space, despite him being alive, because she thinks that he thinks she’s a monster - she cannot see her platonic pal’s love, I love that trope. It’s in how Clarke says ‘I’m not leaving you’ because her biggest regret was leaving B in the pits (but also the time she left him after MW) and it’s in how Bellamy says ‘I won’t let you die’ after letting her die twice now, I call that growth. So J mocks their weird relationship and B is like ‘lols I know’. He has a girlfriend who lied to him about her past during the 6 uninterrupted years they spent on the ring and he starts an argument with her seemingly out of nowhere (after watching Clarke dance with the doctor) and lying that at the last party he was at, he couldn’t protect his sister when we damn well know that the last party he was at was Jasper’s, does echo not know about Jasper? Did no one (Bellamy) tell her? He didn’t have to say ‘the last party I was at’ he could’ve easily said ‘at the party on Ark’. The way he even said this sounded like he was telling Echo for the first time what happened to his sister... they didn’t talk about the reason he ended up on the ground whilst on the ring huh? When Echo says something reasonable, he snaps that this is about feelings and that he never knows how she feels about anything... sounds like he’s projecting but I’m not going to tell you how to interpret it. Then when Echo opens up about her past, B says ‘you told me you didn’t remember your parents’. I love watching becho development because it’s clear how becho are not as compatible as we would’ve thought. (My headcanon up until s6 for them was that they connected over their similar childhoods and responsibility to their people and share the burden of the sins they’ve committed to live and grow together whilst finding peace in each other)

(This is just a snippet of how I see BC and I have no reason to be biased towards it. In fact, during s2-3 I actively made myself ship Clexa more than I shipped BC because I wanted that win for lgbt rep - yes, my mind is that extra that even without social media influence on my binge viewing experience, I felt that Clexa deserved E V E R Y T H I N G so believe me when I say I didn’t want this blarke life 🙃)

Everyone is agreed that they have an awesome non-sexual soulmate love? Yes? I admit, they COULD be platonic, depending on your definition of sexuality. Platonic is defined as ‘love or friendship that is affectionate/intimate but not sexual’.

If Clarke died next ep, bellarke will be remembered as platonic by those that believe sexual acts are what make a relationship romantic and remembered as romantic by those that infer sexual chemistry/feelings/thoughts in certain bellarke scenes.

Imo, it’s not logical to believe sexuality is only physical: it goes against basic common sense in that people would only be considered straight/gay/bi etc. at the point of their first sexual encounter and dating relationships would be platonic until the first sexual act within it.

Personally, I think romantic relationships arise with intention: the shared understanding of what you are offering each other (sexual acts included) and how you prioritise your person over all other humans.

It’s not crude to appreciate the intricacy of physical attraction or understand the implications of it driving the need to be as intimate as possible with someone. And the problem with bellarke is that there IS sexual chemistry and attraction. It’s established in season 1 and it’s made headlines - not that you should care- but both types of people (that would now consider bellarke platonic and those that wouldn’t) probably picked up on it because this aspect of their relationship was planned and written into the story. Longing and pining to just BE with someone is the pinnacle of romance and not only is it canon that bellarke look at each other with humongous pupils, it is also canon (through writing, direction and music) that bellarke prioritise each other, are extremely vulnerable to each other, always want to be ‘together’ do things ‘together’ no matter what. So I’m failing to understand why people don’t want to look at all the evidence and draw the clear conclusion: Bellarke tick every box for a romantic relationship except sexual acts and I think it’s a disservice to not recognise the reality of them as the epic love story that they are. Let’s not even mention the possibility that the reason they haven’t ticked that box is because they have given themselves over to their people in selfless duty or continued trauma from lost lovers.

I’m gonna conclude by saying I ship Clexa and Bellarke but with what’s going on in the story rn, bellarke are it for me. I’d say endgame but it could all change if there’s narrative to suggest otherwise. What I see happening by the end of the series is lexa being back (in what capacity idk) and either Clexa or Bellarke being party to the ‘I will love you forever but I will learn to love someone else so that we can chersish the relationship we have for what it is, not what it has been or what it could be, and be happy together forever’ while the other is canon endgame. Or maybe be by the series finale we’ll get endgame polygamy? - Now that’s edgy af! But those are best case scenarios lol.

Realistically, atleast one of BC are gonna die, Lexa will be brought back as Alycia but not into the real world (unless we get plot that finally exposes the mental space realm??? That sounds fucking dope tbh - they’ve been teasing alternate realities this whole damn show and what is more sci-fi than that? It would also incorporate the flame and Jason loves the flame and Clexa love the flame so??? Anyone wanna hire me as a writer?) and there’s endless possibilities really so I’m conflicted between hoping that Book 2 is less about tragedy/survival and more about happiness/life and knowing that hope for the 100 is offbrand and too much of a reach, with the evidence that we have but the writers could easily get us all there, man. I’m excited!

[nationallampoon]

President Trump Welcomes the First Pet

“Black crows in the meadow

Across a broad highway

Though it’s funny, honey

I just don’t feel much like a

Scarecrow today”

~ Bob Dylan, “Black Crow Blues”

Meanwhile, in Donald Trump’s White House… Episode 5.                                                    

Read Episode 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 

Few in the White House paid notice to the first six crows that congregated in the Rose Garden, just outside the Oval Office. It was only 8:00 am.

By 8:35 there are twenty-five crows.

At 9:15, Chief of Staff Reince Preibus counts at least fifty crows. All cawing loudly, creating a great cacophony of ear-splitting noise.

“What the fuck is going on?” President Trump asks his staff as he looks out the Oval Office windows.

9:30. Close to a hundred black birds have completely overtaken the Rose Garden. Some of the murder of crows have begun pecking at the White House windows. Three slam into the Oval’s windows, testing their strength, knocking themselves out in the process. The noise is deafening. Some of Trump’s staff are rolling Kleenex into wads to try and plug their ears.

9:40. Another fifty crows swarm the White House grounds. More birds attack the White House windows, smashing into the glass with a loud bang.

President Trump says, “Someone call and wake up Nugent. He’s in the Lincoln Bedroom. Have him blast these motherfuckers.”

9:45. Ted Nugent stumbles onto the Truman Balcony in his loincloth, his hairy beer belly sagging over the front, loading an AR-15 with a 100 round high-capacity drum magazine.

The crows continue swooping and cawing and slamming into the Oval Office windows. Ted Nugent raises the AR-15 and begins firing rounds as fast as he can pull the trigger into the murder of crows.

Four crows are blown to feathery bits by by the high-powered bullets right away. The crows turn towards the Truman Balcony, recognizing where the threat is coming from.

Then the crows attack.

Dozens of angry crows swoop and swarm Ted Nugent like he was Tippi Hedren. The AR-15 sprays bullets wildly into the air as the crows engulf Nugent, pecking and biting the former rock star wherever they can. Nugent screams out in terror, “Help me! They’re killing me! Help me, Jesus!”

One of the crows rips out Nugent’s left eye and flies off with his trophy to feed and enjoy his reward.

Inside the Oval Office, President Trump and his senior staff stare outside in silent horror. Before his smartphone can be wrested away from the President, he manages to fire off a Tweet: “Nature is so biased against me! Sources tell me Obama trained these birds! UNFAIR!!!”

Ted Nugent expires, dying of blood loss from the crow attacks. The hundreds of carrion-loving birds spend the next five hours picking Nugent’s bones clean.

Later in the afternoon, CNN’s Jake Tapper has the renowned folklorist Dr. Geoff Hurley on to discuss what happened this morning. Hurley says, “Jake, crows often are bad omens and symbolize death. They tend to predict war, death, and misfortune. This is a bad sign for this floundering, hapless White House. Something dark and ominous is surely coming. To paraphrase Creedence Clearwater Revival, I feel a bad moon rising soon.”

“Thank you, Dr. Geoff Hurley, Endowed Professor at the University of Washington. What a weird morning. One has to wonder what comes next after this display from Mother Nature. We’re back with more of The Lead after this commercial break,” Jake Tapper says.

Only two United States Presidents — James Polk and Andrew Johnson — have lived in the White House without a pet. Some presidents were actual animal lovers, others had pets as public relations tools. It’s believed a pet “humanizes” a President. Fala, Checkers, Socks, Barney, and Bo are all part of the American pop culture lexicon. There’s been many dogs and cats, but also horses, a blue macaw, a raccoon, two bear cubs, a pygmy hippo, a bobcat, and William McKinley’s parrot that could whistle “Yankee Doodle.”

The public perception of President Trump being what it is, it was suggested by his children, especially Ivanka, that a pet dog would help soften his image.

Three dogs were given a trial period. All three hated the President. A Dalmatian pup named Salty bolted every time someone tried to take him outside. It took five Secret Service agents to catch him after each escape. Humphrey, a chocolate lab, loved everyone except for Trump. Dogs and children have great instincts, they sense what kind of a person you are. Humphrey bounded around the West Wing, greeting everyone on the staff, but when Trump approached, the lab barked loudly, spun around twice and took a dump on the carpet. The third dog, a West Highland White terrier named Angus tried to bite Trump whenever possible. When he couldn’t get a bite on Trump , Angus latched onto the pant leg of the President’s baggy suit and wouldn’t let go until bribed with a bacon-flavored treat.

“This obviously isn’t working, Mr. President,” Chief of Staff Reince Preibus says. “Maybe we should either try a cat or bag the idea.”

President Trump holds up one of his tiny index fingers to silence Preibus. “I want a monkey,” Trump says.

“Sir, you can’t have a monkey, they’ll—-“

“A monkey. Get me a monkey. Great for ratings. Lots of TV shows will get a monkey to boost ratings. Remember that show Friends? Tremendous show. They had a monkey. That Rachel was a piece of ass, right? Remember her?”

“Mr. President, this isn’t a television show. It’s a White House administration and we’re struggling.”

“It’s a TV show, Reince. All of this is a TV show. Get me a monkey.”

With the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus shutting down after 146 years, all of the animals are being distributed to “reputable sanctuaries.” Among those beasts is a two-year-old chimpanzee named Joni. The ape was named after Joni Mitchell.

Already trained and comfortable with humans, Joni bounded into the White House residence happy to meet the staff and First Family. Reince Priebus presented what Trump thinks is a “monkey” saying, “Mr. President, this is your new pet. Her name is Joni but the Communications Office thinks we should change it to something presidential or patriotic. They were thinking Mary Todd, or Eleanor. Maybe Betsy after Betsy Ross.”

“Titties,” President Trump says.

“What, sir?”

“Titties. The monkey’s name is Titties.”

Ivanka says, “Daddy, I don’t think that name is a good idea.“

“I know what I like, sweetheart. The monkey’s new name is Titties. Great name.”

Titties quickly becomes ensconced in the West Wing of the White House. She poses for glossy photoshoots with Us Weekly and People magazine. She makes cameo appearances at Sean Spicer’s press briefings, welcomed by the cynical media with rapturous applause. The ape sits in on most senior staff meetings, and like legends of Caligula’s horse Incitatus, Titties has become a trusted aide to President Trump. Trump values her loyalty.

During a meeting in the in the East Room, Chief of Staff Reince Preibus tries to inject his opinion on concessions or compromises that could be made to the most-likely-dead-on-arrival new health care legislation. Barely three sentences come out of Preibus’s mouth before he is hushed by the President.

“Yeah, yeah, Reince, fuck that. That sounds like I’m soft. Titties, what do you think? Ignore those ideas?”

The chimp grins wide, showing her teeth and nods enthusiastically.

“There you have it,” Trump says. “End of discussion. Reince, Titties is gonna take your office. You can find a cubicle in the Communications Offices.”

Preibus can barely stammer out the words, “But, sir, I’m your Chief of Staff. I need to have acce—“

“You retain your title, Reince. But your office is now Tittie’s office.”

Over the next few days, President Trump’s new pet receives a new personal tailor and a new title. Titties is officially First Pet and Senior Advisor. The tailor, who previously has worked on Victorian era period dramas for the BBC, makes Titties a jewel-incrusted purple satin cape. Two of the Washington D.C. orphans that were sewing Make America Great Again hats in the White House sweatshop are reassigned to carry the train of Titties’ purple cloak. Also, Trump commissions a custom sold gold scepter from Tiffany’s for the First Pet. Rare red diamonds decorate the scepter that Titties like to hit Reince Priebus in the ass with, much to the President’s amusement.

In his dark, bat-filled basement office, Steve Bannon twists open his second bottle of Rebel Yell bourbon as deliveries are brought to him. There’s only one parcel he’s looking for. The box from Alexander Historical Auctions in Chesapeake City, Maryland.

Bannon opens the box with a Nazi, swastika-emblazoned dagger with an ivory handle. That implement is fitting for what’s inside. Bidding anonymously, Bannon paid $243,000 dollars for Adolf Hitler’s telephone. The auction house billed the item as “arguably the most destructive weapon of all time,” since it was from that Bakelite phone thousands of death orders were given. With drunken tears in his eyes, Steve Bannon carefully takes the paint-chipped red phone from the box. He takes the receiver off the hook and smells the mouthpiece, hoping to get a faint hint of The Führer’s breath. He’s overcome with joy, which is them magnified as he watches Reince Preibus carrying a cardboard box filled with office supplies from his former office to a cubicle in the Communications Offices. Also on the monitors, Bannon sees a team of movers bringing in the new decor for Titties, the First Pet’s new office.

“What a great day,” Bannon slurs out loud.

Knowing that President Trump has been feeling cooped up in the White House that he routinely calls “a shithole,” the Senior Staff has arranged a treat. As the sun sets to the west, Trump spins donuts in a fire truck on the South Lawn. The whole time blasting the siren and yelling self-congratulatory exclamations into a megaphone.

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President Trump Welcomes the First Pet was originally published on National Lampoon | The Humor Magazine Est 1970