#but I spoiled myself and turns out the game is hella depressing so do I really wanna

[melzzles]

currently obsessing over the nier:automata anime and 9s...

[cloudsrust]

YO LOBOTOMY CORP AND NSR? TWO OF MY FAVORITE THINGS? You got some amazing tastes! What are your favorite abnormalities? (Personally I love Clouded Monk and Army in Black.)

Guess it’s just my deep need for unusual characters in media- the weirder they are the more I love :,> plus both got object head/inhuman characters so I’m just in heaven with ‘em dsdsdhs.

And ohhhhh boiii- gotta find the strenght to not cite more than a half of them all or this ask is gonna be infinite ahah. They all just so neat,,, (Ohh! Those two have really good stories, especially Monk! Also a Zayin turning Aleph upon you fricking up? We love the sadism of Project Moon.) (!!Obvious spoilers for Lobotomy Corp!!)

Mhhh- so! I already said two of them: -Funeral of the Dead Butterflies (cw: death mentions, bugs) I love his design to bits plus c’mon,,, he attacks you with butterflies-... butterflies from a coffin and a literal hand gun. The thing that hits me the most it’s his flavor text and description though, so cold yet poetic, direct and harsh- is one of those many info pages that make you understand how dark Lobotomy Corp is and I love it. Weird abnormalaty to be one of my faves tho since I’m panicked by only thinking about death in a direct way eh;;; -Void Dream (cw: dreams used as escapism) They’re a sheep- a sheep perpetually tired... how can I not love them,, sgdsgd. Alright joking apart- the whole thing about using dreams as escapism is just really interesting, it’s a thing that many just go through (me included) while others just remain trapped into it? To the point of delusion- of not accepting reality anymore,,, it’s both a terribly frightening and fascinating concept- especially with how they convey it ingame! (The whole- if sleeping employes are awaken during their breach they instantly go mad? Reality kicking in right there.)

These are the main two faves explained! I’ll write more under the cut ‘cause I just really like to ramble about them and also some of the topics get a bit darker,,

Some more faves are: -Blood Bath (cw: self harm, suicide) This one makes my wrists crawl just by looking at the suit and weapon,, but I think it’s one of the reasons I find it interesting- and also because of its serene yet chilling look. It’s presence is calm- but you can just feel that something is wrong, the blood and cuts being the lowest on the frightening scale. The story is just heart-wrenching, at least for me, and I like that they had the respect to be crude and keep it quite real while describing what Carmen was going through. The last line also hits me everytime ngl;; I do prefer its legacy version though- because of the more personal final observation- especially with the choice to grab the hand or not. Those hands though.. oh those hands-,, no matter what, they’re still stretching outward and asking for help with such streght- I don’t know, it’s both hopeful and depressing to see that all that remains of its victims is that. -Today’s Shy Look Even if they killed my self insert first time around I forgive ‘em lmao. This one I like because of the way it rappresents shyness as something more than just a cute thing or an excuse. As an extremely shy person myself, reading the last phrase of their story is so sad- the way they just ask to let them have at least the space between their face and their skin mask as only their own- a space to be themselves without the need to stretch their face into a smile for the sake of others :,> -Der Freischütz (cw: guns) Hella cool looking and his story is quite familiar- makes sense since he is a “fairytale” category- heck I gotta figure out the real story that inspired it. But a cold hearted huntsman who tried to trick the devil just for the latter to let him destroy everything he loved himself and let his own soul get a free pass for hell? Love him. I like drammatic stories with an open or bad end I guess eh;; -The Burrowing Heaven (cw: eyes) Just the name itself makes me love it. I like when things usually associated with good get turned around- and with such sneaky and cool sounding names! The story I also love how is written- it’s like a poem. Imma sucker for poetic sounding things and this game spoils me to no end,, Also its aesthetic? Beautiful. -Child of the Galaxy (cw: abusive friendship, suicide) 10/10 would use him to train my weaklings in spite of the danger anytime lmao. Once again- the story does it for me. Especially the way the opening segment is described in such an ethereal and friendly way- and then you read that it’s from the diary of one of his victims,, Obsessive friendships or obsessive need for attention and love are more topics that are interesting for me to read about- just how such a nice thing can become so dark and abusive- brrr scary. I also feel it portrays the feeling of being the victim of one of these relationships in some way- always feeling observed, walking on eggshells with everything you do- scared of what they might do or think, the feeling of just being used, of not being in control- geez this game is ruthless when you look into them stories;; -The dreaming Current (cw: drugs) I love this shark boyo so much;;; their design is so surreal, creepy and colorful?? Just- woah,, Their origins are also so sad- a child’s life made of pills and comatose dreams to let them have “normal” experiences,, so heartwarming yet depressing sobs. Also this boi’s weapon shoots bubbles-... b u b b l e s- I want to get them just to use that weapon on an Aleph or Waw just for laughs sdysdsh. -The Trio of Magical Girls (Queen of Hatred, Knight of Despair, King of Greed) I still count the boxes and pray everytime I send someone in King of Greed while they’re under a certain percent;; I love all three designs, but I also love the “Uh? No more problems? We gonna be the problem then!” vibe they all mostly have sahdhsgd. All of them show how any good thing, if you have or do too much, can become bad. Sense of justice and love, compassion and loyalty, happiness- they easily become hate, despair and greediness. I’m especially fascinated by Kind of Greed due to the all thing about desire becoming something impossible for humans to fully satisfy and becoming their own cage- deep stuff for me to overanalyze ahahah. -Big Bird (cw: eyes) Birb. They big and they birb. Perfection lmao. Alright for real- the whole story of the three birds is quite good, showing that our worry over something can become an even bigger threat than the thing itself (Note to myself right there;;).  I just also really love the big bird boyo,, they a mess to keep at bay during ordeals and stuff but they adorable so I forgive the “casualties” ohoh. I would rant on and on but this is already so long- idk who will even read all this stuff but,,, it makes me happy so I guess it’s more for me than others eh;; :,>

[panickypansexual]

ok so I had to do this again because I fucked up the numbers but here we go!

Special thanks to @spastikchildren for tagging me; you’re the real MVP

THE LAST:

1.     Drink: Water.  Actually, that’s the only thing I’ve drunk all day…huh…

2.     Phone call: I dunno! I haven’t called anyone in 2017 at all (because I hate phone calls).

3.     Text message: An in depth analysis of a microwave meal. I shit you not.

4.     Song you listened to: I don’t know what it’s called, but it’s that really intense party music going on in the background of the video clip ‘fly vs electric screwdriver’. Yeah, the meme-y one.

5.     Time you cried: Probably recently? Oh yeah, a few nights ago. I was laughing too hard at a shitpost lol

HAVE YOU:

6.     Dated someone twice: God no! I’d rather dieeeeeee (but not really)

7.     Kissed someone and regretted it: Yes, but that’s only because I thought playing the Pocky game with a crumbly wafer was an intelligent decision. Hint hint: it was not.

8.     Been cheated on: No, fortunately not.

9.     Lost someone special: Not anyone super close to me, but yes.

10.  Been depressed: I. Have. Depression. You. Pleb.

11.  Gotten drunk and thrown up: No, I can’t drink. Actually, I could. I just refuse to.

FAVORITE COLORS (this is actually really hard since I love a lot of colors!)

12.  Purple (my all-time favorite)

13.  Electric Lime Green

14.  Black

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15.  Made new friends: No, but I’ve gotten a lot closer to some people.

16.  Fallen out of love: No.

17.  Laughed until you cried: See #5

18.  Found out someone was talking about you: Yes, but it was actually just my mutuals spreading the love, so that was pretty cool.

19.  Met someone who changed you: Not in the last year, no.

20.  Found out who your friends are: No, but I’ve figured out who I don’t want to stay in contact with after I get out of school.

21.  Kissed someone on your Facebook list: No, neither my ex nor my girlfriend have a Facebook (as far as I know).

  GENERAL (ooh, nice module!):

22.  How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: Most of them, aside from my fake accounts….yeah, I had like 50+ lol

23.  Do you have any pets: Yes! I have three lovely cats and a clown loach.

24.  Do you want to change your name: Not particularly; no.

25.  What did you do for your last birthday: I didn’t do anything ;_; They said the place I wanted to go wouldn’t be good for a party, and then my friend just took our ‘squad’ there and we had fun. So, it felt like a birthday. I might have a real one in the summer to make up for it, but that seems a little….selfish.

26.  What time did you wake up: At like 5 AM because I had to pee

27.  What were you doing at midnight last night: trying to fall asleep.

28.  Name something you can’t wait for: Getting out of this shitty education system! That means: having a full-fledged job (which I’m trying to start now), hopefully living with my sweetheart one day and not being surrounded by assholes.

29.  One thing you wish you could change about your life: Less acne!

30.  What are you listening to right now: My fish tank’s usual bubbly noises and my overhead AC

31.  Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Heck yeah I have! His name’s Tom McCall! But not the governor. Just an eggplant I raised….(along with Bob Straub, because Oregon history ftw).

32.  Something that is getting on your nerves: me myself and I

33.  Most visited website: Probably this one. Youtube would be #2. Or Google, if you could count that. I have a lot of questions. Speaking of that, Wikipedia would be like #3.

34.  Moles: Like 5, but I’m going to grow a lot more as I get older. It’s in my genes.

35.  Marks: I have one scar on my foot (at least, I think it’s going to be a scar) from a mysterious injury involving my chair and a lot of blood. I also have a small scar near my collarbone the size of an icepick, which I’ve had since I was born (I think).

 36.  Childhood dream: Staying alive. In other words, not killing myself! And guess what? I achieved it!

37.  Hair color: Brunette; chocolate brown with caramel colored highlights if you want to get more specific. It’s my natural hair color (including the highlights).

38.  Long or short hair: Everyone loves my hair short, but I fucking hate it. I prefer long hair.

39.  Do you have a crush on someone: Er, does my girlfriend count?

40.  What do you like about yourself: *nervous laughter*….nothing? I guess my eyes are pretty nice.

41.  Piercings: None.

42.  Blood type: Both of my parents are Os, so even though I’ve never been tested (hella scared about that), I’m probably an O.

43.  Nickname: Aside from Panic/Loli, none. Those are just my online tags.

44.  Relationship status: Happily dating a cute girl. It’s unfortunately a long distance relationship for the summer, though…I miss her cuddles.

45.  Zodiac: Aquarius/Capricorn cusp, but I’m much more of an Aquarius (so I just typically go by that)

46.  Pronouns: y’all/yaint. Just kidding, she/her. I’d set the whole ‘y’all/yaint’ thing as my blog title, but I feel like someone would think I was making fun of pronouns so I won’t.

47.  Favorite TV Show: I rarely watch TV honestly, but probably Billy the Exterminator. Reminds me a bit of @spastikchildren, actually. He’s a rocker-type dude who goes around rescuing animals.

48.  Tattoos: None.

49.  Right or left hand: Assuming you mean my dominant hand, right.

50.  Surgery: None yet. I’m terrified of having to get my wisdom teeth out. I’ve never been knocked out before….

51.  Hair dyed in a different color: Not right now, but when I start going gray I’ll just become ‘anime grandma’ and dye my hair crazy colors.

52.  Sport: MARCHING BAND, which is a sport. If you think it is not, I suggest you come watch me perform after putting hundreds of hours into it (all while my arms are practically falling off).

53.  Vacation: I’d rather not. Traveling is stressful for me.

54.  Pair of trainers: I have this really sick ass pair of electric colored New Balance shoes that I’m currently breaking in.

MORE GENERAL:

55.  Eating: Seahorses. Just kidding, they’re actually giant pieces of barbequed chicken that look like giant seahorses, so that’s why I call them that.

56.  Drinking: Water, because these seahorses are (pleasantly) spicy.

57.  I’m about to: I dunno. Maybe I’ll play some Don’t Starve. I just watched someone play it and picked up some new techniques that might make it easier for me to play.

58.  Waiting for: Nothing in particular, really. I guess for me to finish eating and finish this thingy.

59.  Want: To feel like I’m useful and wanted, to have a good career in freelance writing, to take a warm shower because I’m cold, and to ask my girlfriend to spoil me….because I want more hugs.

 RELATIONSHIPS (not a category, but I added it so)

60.  Get married: Sure, I’d like to get married. But I don’t wanna have kids (maybe I’ll adopt some older ones so I don’t have to deal with screaming shit demons).

61.  Career: I’m really hoping I can begin freelance writing, because I really don’t fucking want to go to college (and no, it doesn’t require a degree, I’ve done research on it).  I’m trying to start now.

62.  Hugs or kisses: Hugs. I have no fucking clue how to kiss people.

63.  Lips or eyes: Eyes ftw, though my lips are a delightful cherry pink without any lipstick so I do like that about me.

64.  Shorter or taller: I often like taller people, but I really am sort of indifferent.

65.  Older or younger: I like to date people the same age (or close) as me. Otherwise, I don’t really care.

66.  Nice arms or nice stomach: Uh, I don’t care either way.

67.  Sensitive or loud: I’m sensitive all right. But I’m okay with loud noises; I sit behind percussionists after all.

68.  Hook up or relationship: Relationship. I need attention and cuddles.

69.  Troublemaker or hesitant: HESITANT.

HAVE YOU EVER:

70.  Kissed a stranger: uh no

71.  Drank hard liquor: No, I don’t drink.

72.  Lost glasses/contacts: No. I very rarely wear my glasses anyway, so it’s a moot point.

73.  Turned someone down: No, I’m not cute enough for people to have a crush on me. Except for online creepers (which I always turn down).

74.  Sex on the first date: No thanks.

75.  Broken someone’s heart: No, I get my heart broken most all of the time. I hardly do the breaking.

76.  Had your heart broken: YES. And not just in relationships.

77.  Been arrested: No, but I think the police have a record for me (I wasn’t guilty of anything, though).

78.  Cried when someone died: Yeah, I am a short fuse when it comes to crying.

79.  Fallen for a friend: Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

80.  Yourself: Fuck no. I don’t even know if I’m real. I honestly hope I’m not….

81.  Miracles: I guess. It’s a miracle I’m still alive, I think.

82.  Love at first sight: Yes, but that’s not real love.

83.  Santa Claus: Yes, he’s my homie.

84.  Kiss on the first date: Depends.

85.  Angels: I think it’s possible they exist, but I’m not sure.

OTHER:

86.  Current best friend’s names: Probably Cairo and Ana.

87.  Eye color: Bluish green with a splash of hazel, but for all intents and purposes, just green.

88.  Favorite Movie: Anything really shitty.

 I tag: Whoever’s reading this! (and hasn’t already done it)

[pokabrows]

ugh I feel so depressed at the moment for no reason. I already took my depression meds but I might take a little extra (1/4 of a dose) because I feel like I need more right now. 

I hate doing this though, it feels like I’m doing something wrong. Even though my mom basically tells me to take as much as I want but then she tells me to take her panic attack meds when I’m having a panic attack even though I don’t even have them prescribed to me. My mom thinks I’m so uptight about this stuff and I know that’s a symptom of my autism but it’s not like I can just turn it off. Plus I’m pretty sure that’s illegal so it’s stupid to say someone is uptight about breaking /laws/

I just feel lonely and depressed rn. I need to sleep but I’m thinking too much for that. I kinda want to cry or throw up but even though I think I would feel a bit better if I did I can’t make myself. Most of my friends are busy and the one who keeps trying to contact me I keep turning away because I’m stupid. I need to see if he can come over some time. He keeps contacting me to see if I want a ride to a weekly group we’re a part of but I suck at checking my text messages/ remembering things. 

I’m lonely but keep seeking affection/attention from my best friend /longtime crush who basically has been ignoring me for a while now. We even live in the same house now and she ignores me spending all her time in her room. I keep wanting to spend time with her like in the old days but I need to realize it’s over. She’s not interested in spending time with me. She has new friends who let her smoke their weed. She cares more about video games than me. 

I’m trying to get her to play undertale to bond and spend time together but idk. It’s like she was telling me it was stupid and cringy for years and mocking me for liking it and wow once she actually tries it she likes it imagine that. But I was talking to my therapist about that and she’s like, ‘Why do you have a crush on her? she seems mean’ and it’s like yeah she always calls things I like cringy and stupid. That’s kinda mean.

 She doesn’t even give it a chance typically. I recommended the artimus fowl series in elementary because it is a good book series and she started reading it and stopped because the secondary main character is a girl who she declared was too girly. Even though holly short really isn't? she’s like a cop, she’s cool. She shoots people and is smart. But because she’s a girl she’s stupid? I’m a girl. Is that why all the stuff I like is cringy. Hell she’s a girl. Though she think she might be bigender or something like that? But she just hates girls. Which is mean.

Mom thinks it’s because she typically surrounds herself by people that are ‘less than her’. And so part of this might be how successful I’ve become. Her only friends who were girls were me (various mental & developmental disorders mostly autism, on an IEP) and another girl (also with various disorders idk the specifics but she was on a 405 and everyone basically treats her like a little kid and she hates me because I don’t do that (I tend to treat kids as equal more or less normally because that’s what I wanted and I’m not good at the normal behaviors shown to kids because it always seemed hella condescending to me) she likes being baby-ed. I think she’d be better prepared if she wasn’t though because it’s like she doesn’t even realize how the world works at all but she’s an adult now and she basically spends all her time playing video games and judging her self worth on having a boyfriend which of course attracts abusive boyfriends idk. I worry for her but like I said she hates me because I wouldn’t deal with her being spoiled, bratty and not understanding when to stop). 

I think part of the issue at this point she’s sick of comparing her self and others comparing her to me. I am getting an engineering degree, she’s getting an art degree. I manage to have an hour-glass like figure, H cups, and blonde hair. She considers herself chubby even though we have the same band size (Honestly we’re both a bit chubby but we wear it different). I have had to turn down multiple boys because I’m not interested in them (mostly because I’ve had a crush on her since elementary), she desperately wants to be in a relationship and bases her self worth on it (and isn’t interested in me, believe me I’ve asked). Mom thinks she identifies as pan only because she is so desperate for a relationship. I’m not sure I agree with her but she certainly seems much more interested in boys, the only girl she’s ever had any interest in was one who asked her out first and she didn’t seem to have any interest before that? idk. But I always manage to have a summer job first (because I apply earlier) more time (because I plan my time better) etc. I feel like she might be jealous but Idk how to deal with it. As mom said she likes being surrounded by people that make her look good in comparison. 

My therapist basically thinks I should give up on her. I have other friends. It’s just I’m more awkward around them since I haven’t known them as long. My friend group always joked that I didn’t have any friends but I mean I do if you count the american view of it. I just don’t think of them as such because my autistic tendencies results in more of a denotation/British understanding of such words demanding certain pre-conditions be met before that word can be used. While there are plenty of people I know pretty well, have known for years, and are on friendly terms with which more than meets most american definitions. Maybe in a past life I was English or another culture that demanded more formal definitions and thought. I mean after all my speech impediment apparently sounds like a western European accent to some people. 

But I need to focus on my other friends. Maybe my LGBT group will go to pride together. That might be fun. Though idk with the crowd and stuff? Maybe if the other autistic member/ other members that know I’m autistic and understand are going to be there it would be fine. And I can bring my noise blocking headphones. Because even though I’m pretty good at this point noise and crowds are still my weak point. I still need to get to a target with the pride stuff so I can get my first pride merchandise. 

I need to go to that weekly meeting thing or at least invite some of my friends from that over some time.

I need to work on getting more friends at my work this summer. I’m working at my local pool where I already know some people including my brother who is working there as well and the people are nice so that should be possible. Plus some of the people go to the same college as I so that could be useful for school too.

I need to stop relying on her because she isn’t gonna be here for me when I need it.

ugh I just want things to go back to how they used to be.