#but I'm not willing to bring someone in to the world in non opportune circumstances deliberately.

[nerdygaymormon]

Hi there! I'm in an institute class about wrestling with difficult gospel questions, and I have the opportunity to share thoughts from the queer community. The focus is very much on loving members regardless of circumstances, and I was wondering if you might have any gems of wisdom I should bring up? Things that would help straight, heteronormative members of the church to learn about, in regards to loving their Queer siblings.

Thank you for everything you do!

When I talk with non-queer people about what it's like to be queer, there's many aspects of our experience they've never thought about before. I'm going to throw several ideas out there and hope it sparks some additional ideas.

1) Most queer people grow up being socialized as straight and cisgender in heternormative families. It's quite a disruptive process to come to understand that my life experiences don't match what I was taught to expect and that I'm actually not cisgender or heterosexual. That leads to an identity crisis and is often accompanied by anxiety about what this means for their life. Especially if they grew up in a conservative environment, like the church, where they don't see examples of queer adults living happy, successful lives.

2) In order to get along, many queer people remain in the closet, or may choose to only be out in certain situations but not in others. For example, church can be seen as hostile so not the environment where they want to be out. Think about what that's like, to have to conceal an important part of who you are, to feel people would not accept you if they knew this important fact. To feel like I have to pretend who I am in order to be acceptable, that's not feeling like you belong.

3) Coming out is an act of healing. Being in the closet takes so much mental energy. Before coming out, I was very careful and couldn't truly be open in my friendships and other relationships, I was fearful of being discovered. There's a dissonance between how we present ourselves and the way we view ourselves that goes away when we can be honest about who we are.

4) Some non-queer people are unhappy when someone comes out, "I don't want to know who they're attracted to." While being gay is about who I'm attracted to romantically and sexually, it's much more than that. It influences how I interact with others, who I'm more likely to bond with. Studies show gay people tend to be more artistic and creative, more intelligent, better at reading the emotions of others, are more compassionate and cooperative. When I tell someone I'm gay, it is a much more comprehensive statement than who I might get a crush on.

5) Queer people experience so many little and big acts of casual bigotry and micro-aggressions that we generally assume a space isn't safe unless there's some sort of indication to the contrary. Non-queer people may think we're overly sensitive when something unkind is said. To a non-queer person, it may seem these things don't happen often and only a minority of people do them, but as the recipient of these comments & actions, they are common to our experience.

6) Can you imagine a 40-year-old queer person choosing to join this church? Being told they don't fit into God's Plan, being told that there aren't queer people in heaven, being told they can't date or seek a romantic relationship. Why would someone join a church that says you can have joy when you die, but not during this life? If everyone, not just queer people, experienced church this way, there'd hardly be anyone left at church.

7) Same-sex behavior (courtship, sexual activity, pair-bonding, and parental activities) has been documented in over 450 species of animals worldwide. This is normal & natural. Maybe it's not queer people who are broken, maybe it's those who are engaged in a willful self deception against logic and the reality of the world.

8) There are far more questions than there are answers at church for queer people. We read in the scriptures about a God who says all are alike, that God is no respector of persons, yet we come to church and are taught there's a different set of rules for queer people. That’s just one example where queer people find the God we know doesn't match what we find at church. It's sad, but often queer people leave the church in order to have the same happiness and love that straight, cisgender members are allowed to have while staying inside the church.

9) Think about how you'd react if your parent, your spouse, your child or your friend came out. I promise you'll never regret saying you love them. Far too often people come out to disbelief, being told it's a phase or the trendy thing to do. I understand it can cause a lot of worry because chances are they'll wind up leaving church, it can break up a marriage is a spouse comes out. Think about the unhappiness that person has experienced hiding who they are, conforming to conditions that didn't fit them. Trust queer people to do what's right for their life, to make the best decisions they can with the information they have. We need friends and loved ones, please decide to remain in our lives and to be happy for us and the journey we're on.

10) Queer people are people. We come with a great deal of variety, but all in all we want the same things in life as other people do.