#but also not so painstakingly... tedius? exhausting? i'm not sure how to phrase it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

slippery-minghus · 5 years

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ugh since someone at my work got fired last week the schedule has been completely out of whack. i don't get consecutive days off this week, and then i'm working six days in a row again. including a few shifts that are later and not my usual one.

i'm sure i'll get through it fine but it's really hard not to look at it with my usual "this is going to break me" mindset. i'm becoming a lot more resillient, but damn i didn't want to test it like this.

#day to day life is so overwhelming and exhausting when you're autistic lmaoooo #i can't help but experience the present moment in such excruciating detail #especially now that i'm not in a situation where all i'm doing is just biding my time to get to the future and dissociating as much as i can #i dont really know what the happy medium between those two extremes are...#when the world is neither so terrifying you are desperate to escape #but also not so painstakingly... tedius? exhausting? i'm not sure how to phrase it #it'a kinda like the opposite of dissociation i guess. being painfilly present in the moment #and also terrified that that present moment may well be the last straw #because i'm so used to that being how my life works--i am fragile and the next thing to break me may come at any time #but for the past few months i've really been getting my strength back #it's agonizingly slow going and i am still too exhausted to do as much as i think i should (tho will i ever?)#(the answer is no i wont as long as i keep holding myself to NT standards)#(but i'd at least like to be able to socialize a few times a month. maybe even someday be able to socialize enough to have a partner)#(but that may be wishful thinking i dont know)#anyway i have been doing much better but it's still so hard to go into my oncoming work schedule feeling optimistic #i'll come out on the other side. i just hope i dont have to go through hell to get there #personal

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