#but at least i don't delude myself into thinkin it won't happen again
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Not to pretend I'm no longer losin my damn mind or anythin but it does make me feel kinda sick now. Thinkin bout the way I was this close to convincing myself I'm (still) in love w/ him
#i mean i don't know if it's totally on me but. he didn't say anythin about it this time#or make me say anything#he's just been.....so totally fucking different i forgot what he's really like#i always do that shit happens n i feel fucking awful for a day or two n then it's just gone#i've like....compartmentalized him into two different people n they don't even match his subsystem#it's the real him the one that he always seems to regress back into. the one who hates me n fucks w/ my head for sport apparently#who treats me like a toy n makes me do things he knows i fucking hate n calls me every degrading thing he can think of#but i just. forget all of that when he gets like this. i know it's just pretend at least i tell myself i know that but#it's fucking hard to even wanna remember when he takes care of me like he said he would. he makes the thoughts go away n my head go quiet#he doesn't push anythin i don't wanna do n tells me i'm pretty n that i don't need to change anything n that it's not my fault i'm sick#praises me for eating cause he knows how hard it is for me n reminds me to take my meds n i just. how am i supposed to fight that#i know it's all pretend but it's all i ever fucking wanted#i can't function in this reality#i tried so damn hard n it just. it all falls apart anyway#i'm not built for this i need too much n have too little to give n i can't even fucking communicate in a way people understand#right now i don't wanna see him n it scares me knowing how easy it's for him to just. make me give myself up completely#but at least i don't delude myself into thinkin it won't happen again#believing that never made it easier to resist it just made the shame worse#i'm already ashamed enough all the time#i'm really scared i do still love him though#he's gonna fucking break me#spdrvent
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