#spdrvent
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Why do I still hate myself for not livin up to the person I used to pretend to be
#i don't wanna be that guy anymore#n it's not like anyone else wants me to be that either#except val maybe but fuck what he wants n also it was still never good enough for him anyway#or i guess it used to be. back home. long as i kept the act up at least.#wanted me to compensate w/ somethin else when i couldn't make him any more money i guess#but even when i put on my best damn performance to be what he wanted he found smth to pick apart#it's been easier than it used to resisting when i feel the pull again but....#i still feel like he was right about everythin. so now that i don't let him have me anymore i'm just a waste of space#still don't know if it's better this way or not#he wasn't always this fucking mean. i think he got worse here than he was back home.#i mean he was always an abusive piece of shit but. it wasn't impossible to keep him happy. just had to keep my head down n do what i'm told.#now if i seem too into it he'll just find a way to ruin it for me#he wants me to want him but not enjoy any of it. i'm supposed to hate every moment but still ask for more.#i don't fucking want that#so idk what it even is anymore that i think i'm supposed to be. i just know it's something else than this.#spdrvent
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I'm just an animal trapped in a snare n he's just standing there waitin for me to tire myself out struggling before he finishes me off
#except that the killing blow never lands.#instead he takes me home n keeps me as a pet before settin me free so he can hunt me down again#not quite recovered so he knows i won't make it far but still enough to make it fun#can you really blame me for not even tryin to run after a few rounds#we both know i'm never gonna make it#like ok maybe the sleep deprivation is gettin to me but the imagery won't leave my head#rabbit snow wolf fox snare hunter#n he watches from above while his hounds tear you to pieces#spdrvent
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I guess it feels so comfortable cause it reminds me of the way things were at their best
#when i still thought things might turn out ok#it feels familiar it feels like home#he's kinda a dick but doesn't get too personal n i can talk back w/o gettin smacked#so it just ends up feelin like some casual banter. almost affectionate in some fucked up kinda way#the sex doesn't get too freaky cause he gets his rocks off just w/ the way he's inside my head n i've given in/up#......i actually think he's liked it more now than he has in a long time w/ me. if ever. whatever the hell that's about#maybe cause he secretly likes the casual pseudo domestic dynamics (which i know he does) n is putting on less of a performance these days#i guess maybe some stupid part of me is thinking it's a chance to try again n fix everythin that went wrong the first time#as if there was anything i coulda done to make a difference#i mean idk if that's what it's about but why else would it make me feel so.....happy#in the rare moments i feel anythin at all#spdrvent
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got really svicidal for a bit there oops
#doll#it's better now n i'm sedated it's fine#just got triggered pretty bad when i was already at a volatile place#idk why but i keep comin back to the thoughts of what if...mr. v still actually wants the kinda stuff he says he doesn't anymore?#n he's just sayin that to make me feel better or maybe he'll change his mind#or even if he doesn't i still feel like a lot of other people want to make me what i used to be#just a plaything without any wants or thoughts or boundaries of my own#it's no one specific but just these. people i feel are out there.#plus it's hard for me to understand why he loves me#the only lovable things about me i can think of are the old functions he doesn't want used anymore#servitude. fantasy fulfillment. or just a body to use however he pleases#n i'm scared he's gonna want me to do the stuff that makes me feel terrible. how's he suddenly not into that anymore??#or then he wants it but doesn't bring it up cause he doesn't wanna pressure me but i hate that too i wanna please him i wanna make him happy#he says he can't blame me for havin a hard time trustin he won't change his mind again but idk#n he loves me so i guess there's gotta be somethin in me i can't see. can't pretend i know better than him#i'm really happy w/ him but sumtimes i see stuff that reminds me of how things used to be n it's hard to shake off#spdrvent
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I think I can feel him close (to me, to the front)
But it's not anger that's bleedin through it's. Somethin else. Unless I'm imagining it. God what the hell
#doll#i was really sad n then suddenly the sadness just kinda. shifted slightly whatever this is it's not me#this could be bad idk idk#spdrvent
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The urge to complain about the freaky fucking shit he sometimes says vs knowing that absolutely no one wants to hear that shit (I'd know cause I didn't either lmao would prefer to just bleach my brain rly)
(so much tmi here)
#specifically referring to the. ~ dirty talk~#like man have you ever considered shutting the fuck up instead#with me it's mostly whatever cause usually he's just tryin to hurt/scare/degrade me. he'll say whatever he thinks will sting the most#but with doll it's not usually that n the way he'll go straight from the most cringe ass generic shit to freak city in 0.5 seconds.....#(with one or two exceptions it wouldn't be that bad if any of this was. yknow. consensual. maybe even discussed in advance)#the joke about how he thinks i'm an 0m3ga except that it tracks way too fucking well with all of this lmao#aside from the weird fucking gender shit too#cause sometimes he'll just spring this whole damn br33d1ng k1nk on you outta nowhere n like jfc can you not#i got no idea if he's actually into that or doin it specifically to freak us out or both. probably both.#he always liked it more when we're not into it anyway#probably knows about the system-wide neuroses we have around. the topic. probably why he does it tbh#especially cause it ties in with a bunch of other shit he's pullin with doll#like thanks i hate it can you not#it's been a while since he last did it but i feel like he usually waits til it's been long enough to have the max impact#i'm just. vomit emoji vomit emoji vomit emoji#spdrvent#tmi in tags#lmao
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I wanna stop thinkinnnn
#way too fucking aware of the patterns n thought distortions n core feelings in so many of us fictives here#it's the same thing repeatin over n over n over & i don't wanna know where that trail leads#i don't even know if we could follow it if we tried#i don't know how to talk about it either. i know why i feel this way but it's just pseudomemories n i don't know what the origin is#for this body for this brain so we always feel like we're intruding & no one's gonna take it seriously anyway#not unless we find the real body trauma & are willing to explain it to anyone at any time#but all we can think about is our memories. the same ones the same thoughts same feelings#exhausted hungry scared humiliated & helpless#no choice but to be on our best behavior n hope it's enough (it never is)#spdrvent
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Guys will ask for permission and not wait for an answer
#i'm talkin about val specifically actually#and the creep in this fucking book and lmao yeah i'm seein through it so much easier now#not that he ever bothered with me but he does that with doll a lot#can't think of a word ugly enough for him<3#spdrvent
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is it depression or is my appetite gone cause I'm preemptively preparing for when Val gives up on any progress & his relationship for real n starts givin me shit about my weight again
#i mean idk if it's gonna happen but#it might#why do i care what he thinks? ain't that the question#n i mean i know it's not even abt my appearance rly cause he gave me shit about it in my source body too n that one's full heroin chic#it's just abt the control#he likes me weak & he likes it when i starve myself for him#thank fuck our sleep meds make me hungry as hell cause otherwise i wouldn't be eatin at all#just need to make sure i have easy food available so we get some actual nutrition too instead of just junk#even the junk's better than nothing though!#it's not a body image issue for me atm but i'm kinda worried it might turn into one#like pllllssss we already had one ana stint we rly don't need another go at that it fucking sucked#n as a bonus doesn't even make us lose any weight cause our metabolism's fucked lmao#so it'd literally just be me eroding our insides for nothing. except like a brief feelin of satisfaction i guess#i can get that in less dangerous ways too tyvm#so i rly rly hope val's up to speed w/ the way it'd get legitimately dangerous for the body him included. n also make him feel like shit#if he wants that type of control there's other shit he could have me do. nothing i'd like but at least w/ less or no physical harm included#kinda wish my life wasn't like 80% harm management at this point but. it is what it is.#at some point it's gonna change. someone else is gonna take over.#all i havta do is keep shit running w/ as little long term damaga as possible til then#can my sedatives fucking do smth my heart's still fucking pounding for no reason uggghhhh#spdrvent#disordered eating cw
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he's back
#the usual val#the......somewhat less abusive one#mixed feelings#cause i should be keepin my goddamn distance but he's....#i guess so upset about how things are w/ doll n i guess tryin to use me to fill those emotional needs that he's#more gentle than he's ever been w/ me. ever.#enough that i'm kinda suspecting they're tryin to pull some kinda good cop-bad cop routine on me lmao#probably not though i don't think they're capable of that much coordination#it's still not 1. rly about me 2. gonna last#but. i'm too damn tired to resist anymore. i just wanna rest. i just wanna not think.#especially since apparently it makes no difference even if i'm tryin my fucking hardest to do better#he said i'm startin to seem like the angel he knew again n i think that's probably not good sign for me#(also he never fucking knew me but i'm not sayin that)#try to at least.....hold off for a couple of days. don't let him get used to always havin access. i should be capable of that at least#should be#spdrvent
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I really don't know if I'm strong enough
I know lettin him do the shit he does just makes me worse n that effects everyone
I don't know if the system even has a way to keep me away from him if it's not a choice I make n I just can't force myself to make that decision
I tried but it scares me so fucking much I'm just. Frozen.
I'm sorry I really really am. I hate that the things I do effect others. I also know apologizing doesn't mean shit n at some point it becomes just another burden. I don't know how to do anything different.
#every night i go to bed my brain n body start screamin at me to go back go back go back#the only things i actively hate about myself are things he actively engourages n makes worse but#the only thing that makes me feel good about myself is knowin he wants me again#i know i'm just an object to him but at least i'm one he wants to own#i only ever managed to even start rebuilding myself n my life cause he got bored of me#it was never my decision not really#n if the system just takes that choice away from me n keeps me from him by force i. idk if i could get through that#i think i'd legitimately become a danger to the body#i try to imagine it n i just see myself clawin at his door screamin cryin beggin to be let back in#i can't fucking do it#i don't have any other coping skills. except substance abuse. which would escalate so much it'd also be a more immediate threat#i already need to dope myself up semi regularly just to have some relief w/o him#it's fucking pathetic i know#it's. a literal addiction isn't it? however the hell that works#they say no one ever stays clean til they've hit rock bottom#i guess i'm not there yet#i hope anyone of you that maybe read this shit know that you don't have to. i'm just venting#cause i can imagine it gets heavy to see me self-destruct like this. i try not to show it much irl but. yea#spdrvent
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Fuck I wish we could just have some regular unhealthy self-destructive sex instead of the goddamn brainwash shit he's moved onto
#like i don't even care anymore i'll do your fucked up roleplays or whatever just make me stop thinkin#but nooo he's hell-bent on makin me stop functioning completely as if that wouldn't fuck over everyone in the system INCLUDING HIM#i guess at least in a way i'm a bit more motivated to keep away now#cause i ignored him callin last night so he's gon be p i s s e d#n w/ the way he's been lately i kinda don't wanna even know what that looks like#now to just quiet the part of my brain tellin me i better get it over w/ before it gets even worse cause i made him wait...#you know damn well the only way to keep it from gettin worse is stayin away from him for good#i fucking hate this!!!#spdrvent
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.
#the (not actually) worst part is in an attempt to drown out the thought n the noise#i got myself sedated not enough for that but to the stage where sex w/ him is. fucking amazing#the kind that the high lasts for days#which is what got me hooked to begin w/ (it's nowhere near as good if i'm clean n sober)#(cause he likes me so much better high? or cause i'm less anxious n don't freak out over shit. idk.)#but FUCK if it isn't hard to resist when i can feel him callin me back home n i know how good it'd feel n i might be actually happy for days#as a downside it makes me a whole lot more receptive to him remodeling my entire goddamn brain#so i rly rly rly need to not fucking do that!! but fuck!!!!!#spdrvent
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s ᴀ ʏ ʀ ᴇ ᴅ
#Get The Fuck Outta My Head!!!!#we have got to start journaling again i need to do. something#i need this to stop#god i can feel him calling#why why why why why#spdrvent
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is all fine n good bein on the freaky side of tumblr, it was mostly stuff some of us are into anyway, til Val pops up cause he saw smth that interested him
#i need an acid bath#hatehatehatehatehate#both just that n also the specific content that caught his attention#i think i need to run#spdrvent
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The way it wasn't even that long ago he explained, in detail, what exactly he's got planned for me but due to my bein a stupid fucking slut I still didn't catch it til it was almost too late
#i mean i'm still not in love w/ him which i think was step one of the original plan#but aside from that y i k e s#came dangerously close#he said he was gonna break me n my mind like never before#n ngl if yesterday he'd told me to get in the damn serial killer bunker n stay put i probably woulda done it#still can't hear myself think from all the shit he planted in my head#but it's. not too late yet right? i can still fight this#i just need to. not let him do any more. i don't think i can take another session w/o folding#i hate that i can't fucking remember some of what he said#it's probably better that way but now i don't even know what to look out for#spdrvent
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