#but clara forced hers to cry mercy. it's possible even with those casings. it's POSSIBLE

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

Doctor Who and its expanded universe could do a dozen dozen plotlines that ask "can a Dalek turn traitor/be redeemed/be good" and I would go absolutely insane for it each and every time.

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Hurt, pt. 12 (E.D.)

Summary: Ethan’s therapy session is filled with memories of his progress with Y/N as time goes by, unaware of the trouble looming on the horizon.

Warnings: ANGST, fluff, talk of depression and anxiety, mentions of sex

Word Count: 2900

A/N - We’re getting closer to the end guysss! I’m not sure how many parts there will be yet, but I know the story is ending soon, so be ready for anything.

Hurt - Masterlist

“How does it feel being back home?” Ethan’s therapist questioned, her hands folded in her lap as she observed him like she could tell everything that goes through his mind just by one careful look.

“It’s been…It’s been an adjustment.” Ethan fidgeted, his fingers spinning an invisible ring – the place his wedding band used to belong in. If it were up to him, he’d wear it again, but he didn’t want to put pressure on Y/N or make her uncomfortable.

But he didn’t lie. It’s been an adjustment.

Sleeping alone in the house he shared with Y/N proved to be a difficult feat. First of all, Ethan couldn’t bear to be in the bed where he used to make love to her. Hell, he couldn’t even look at the damn bed anymore. So, he stayed in the guest room. Second of all, the problem with their guest room is that the window looked out to the guest room in Grayson’s house and that meant every move made in the room had captured Ethan’s attention.

It was torture to be so close yet have no right to touch her or hold her or even tell her he loved her. He never knew there was something so cruel in this world as distance - not in the actual sense, but emotional distance.

However, by the time morning rolled in, Ethan was ready to eat. Breakfast was usually Grayson’s specialty and so, without thinking twice about it, Ethan set off to his brother’s house to eat.

The moment he crossed over the bridge, Ethan’s heart dropped. Quickly, he hid behind the closest tree, looking at his beautiful wife get into someone else’s car. He couldn’t tell who it is, but he noticed a man behind the wheel.

Watching her drive off in a car he didn’t recognize, Ethan felt his chest shake before it spread to his arms and legs. Grayson told him she might be moving on, but he didn’t know it was happening so fast.

But what could he do? He had done the same thing if not worse. Saying anything on the subject would only push her away and he needed her close…he needed her to stay. Ethan knew he couldn’t be a hypocrite and call her out when he was the reason why all this happened in the first place.

No…Ethan knew he had to be smarter than that. He would have to play this game of chess with strategy and patience, not brute force.

“So, uh…I just saw Y/N leave with some guy.” Ethan decided to strike up a conversation with Clara, knowing she’s the only one who has a reliable source of information. Y/N would have told her if there was something to tell.

“She’s going out for breakfast, to schedule her ultrasound and she’ll be back soon.” Clara wasn’t trying to hide anything, but she didn’t want to betray Y/N in case she wanted to keep her and Edward’s relationship a secret.

Ethan saw right through her though. Instead of making a fuss, he just placed his hand over Clara’s.

“Clara, please.” The desperate plea had toyed with Clara’s heartstrings. She had always loved how perfect Ethan and Y/N were together. Their relationship was like a million piece puzzle - rare and beautiful. Some pieces didn’t fit at first, but they found a way to bridge those differences and Clara already saw them as the happy, grey couple their grandchildren would boo about whenever they kissed, shamelessly in love fifty years later.

“Fineee. She’s seeing someone and it’s nothing serious, but I think the guy is really into her. It’s more of a friendship with mutual feeling involved that aren’t developing on her behalf because she doesn’t want relationships.”

“How does that make you feel?” Ethan nearly rolled his eyes at the question, annoyed with just how open she’s asking him to be. It’s one of those things he’d rather lock in a small box and push it as far back in his mind as possible, but then he remembers…that’s exactly how he got to this point.

“Like I want to cry.” Ethan chuckled, rubbing his palms together forcefully tight, aware his therapist easily picks up on these tells and he was oozing anxiety.

“It’s not a pleasant feeling to know that I’m sharing her with someone. It’s not pleasant knowing she’s not mine to share at all. That I’m a footnote of her life and not a priority anymore.” Sighing, Ethan bit his upper lip, dragging his teeth across the soft, plump flesh with such anguish that any fool could see how hurt he is.

“I suppose I deserve it, though. I did the same to her. This is just a taste of my own bitter medicine.” Chuckling, he shook his head.

“You feel like you deserved this? Ethan, we’ve talked about this. Depression is an illness. You didn’t ask for it to happen to you. You certainly didn’t want to burn your life to the ground, but you were barely in control.” But Ethan snorted, letting out a heavy breath.

“Yeah. I know. And most times I can differentiate what thoughts are mine and what stems from depression…but I don’t understand how I kept it at bay for so long. When Y/N was with me, I was…managing. But a horrible, dark part of me wanted to rid of her. And I did.” Ethan rubbed his chin, his hand sliding down his neck, the veins in his arms prominent from constant anxiety-filled muscle tension.

“You told me you felt best in the morning and evening.” She reminded, smiling softly. “You also said it’s when you two would be intimate which is quite impressive for a couple. It explains a lot – from how close you two used to be and it explains those moments of clarity too.” Leaning forward, she rests her elbows just above her knees, her kind smile never relenting. “Sex leads to orgasms and orgasms cause a massive release of happy hormones – endorphins, serotonin, and oxytocin. Those hormones allowed you those moments of control and clarity. When she left, you had lost them and you tried to recreate them with Bianca but that failed. That’s why you spiraled so fast.” Ethan couldn’t believe this. But it made sense. Y/N had given him a high and he felt like himself when they were making love, when she was wrapped around him and he didn’t know where he begins or ends because all his senses were aware of only her existence. But after highs come the lows and he’d get lost in the darkness consuming his mind.

“You’re telling me Y/N was my shield against darkness?” He spoke quickly, a little bit of attitude and disbelief in his words. He couldn’t believe that all the times his mind tricked him into thinking Y/N might be the reason why he’s miserable were all lies, that it was a way to chase away the one good thing that kept him afloat. And he had ruined it. He succumbed to the evil voices inside his head.

“Precisely. Which is why it’s so hard to see her be that shield for someone else now. But you need to learn to be your own anchor Ethan. She can’t be your light, even if she does forgive you.”

“Yeah. But I can’t help but feel giddy whenever she grants me some mercy and does something nice for me.”

“Hey.” Y/N made sure she had a genuine smile as she spoke to Ethan, especially because the reason why she wanted to talk to him was a joyous one.

“Hey there! You’re glowing!” Ethan exclaimed, and not just because the sun was shining literally right above her head. She had truly never been as beautiful as she is now and he may be partial considering she’s carrying his babies, but he’s also learning to value true beauty in the world all over again and she was by far the most enchanting.

“Oh Gosh, stop that. I’m already showing as if I’m a month ahead than I really am. I’m only halfway there and it feels too much.” She complained, her forehead wrinkling in worry, self-consciousness. It’s definitely something he used to help her with. Ethan would kiss the wrinkles away until a smile replaced her scowl, then he’d tell her just how stunning she is and how he’s the luckiest man in the world.

But he couldn’t do that now.

“You’ve never been more beautiful.” That didn’t mean he couldn’t compliment her and watch a deep pink tint appear on her cheeks as she looked away shyly, smiling softly at his words.

“I wanted to thank you for being so hands-on lately.” She changed the topic, not wanting things to get awkward. Thing between them have been running smoothly and she was happy to know she could count on him.

Every chore she needed to be done, he’d accompany her. If it was grocery shopping, he’d be the one rushing around the store with the full cart, reaching all the high shelves because he refused to risk her and the babies. It was a nice reminder of their routine from before, except they used to race in the carts before and considering Y/N’s state, that was out of the question.

Every craving she had, Ethan made sure it was satisfied. He’d be sneaking into Grayson’s house at all times, delivering things she texted him about.

And they do text. All the time. Mostly at night. It helps them both – Ethan to feel less lonely, Y/N to fall asleep easier. While she does wake up frequently to pee, so does Ethan. It feels like they barely sleep, but it’s allowed them to rebuild. Nothing better than eating together at 2 am to bond.

“You know I’d do anything, right? Anything you need, baby-related or not.” Ethan adds for good measure because he needed her to know she could count on him. He never even mentioned any of the times he had noticed her slip away in the same strange car. But he didn’t want her to depend on someone who she had just recently met. No matter how bad things get, Ethan would still go the distance for her.

“I know.” She stepped closer hesitantly, standing in such proximity that Ethan could see that small freckle inside her eye, the one she never noticed until he did. God, he loved that freckle so much.

“So, I was thinking…If you’d like…You could accompany me to the ultrasound?”

“It’s the first time I got to see them. I cried like a baby and it was humiliating but so worth it.” Ethan smiles softly at the fond memory, his eyes trained on a small crack in the wooden floor.

“And she’s been pretty comfortable with me touching her belly after that which makes me just as happy. It’s especially important because I was with her for the first kick.”

Leaned up beside her belly, Ethan continued to talk to it. He always used the smallest, gentlest voice to coo at his babies because he claimed anything louder might scare them. It made Y/N laugh endlessly, rewarding him with that sweet sound on top of everything. He was never quite as sure why she was giving him this because it was more than he thought he deserved. But he was grateful for it. Endlessly grateful.

“OH MY GOD!” Y/N jumped at the weird sensation, instinctively grabbing Ethan’s hand to place his palm against her stomach only for his previously confused look to turn gleeful when he got a small kick for his effort.

“LITTLE ASSKICKERS LOVE ME!”

“We both cried then. Cried and laughed at each other as we sat on the porch swing with her half draped over my lap and my hands all over her pregnant belly and I can’t remember the last time I was so blissfully happy.” Ethan lifted his gaze to his therapist, feeling she’s got her eyes on him.

“It’s good that you’re getting closer, but I have to ask. Have you been drinking since you’ve been out?” Her questioned had weighed on him. He had started drinking to numb his pain before he had lost Y/N, but it was a few times a month really. He didn’t want to scare his wife at the time. But when she left, Ethan began drinking in hopes of feeling something because he had numbed himself into submission by then. Submission to a cruel mistress – depression.

“No.” Ethan was proud to say that and have it be true. While he did feel the itch to do it, he knew it would be stupid, especially with the medication he’s on. He didn’t want to risk the progress he’s made with Y/N either. It wouldn’t do him any good.

“And have you actually tried to talk through things with Y/N?”

“We’re getting there. She’s six months pregnant now. I’m working on her time, not my own. I can’t be so selfish and ask her to talk to me all the time.” Shrugging, Ethan did have something to share though.

“But we did agree on a Katniss – Peeta thing.”

Furrowing her eyebrows, his therapist seemed to be dumbfounded by his reference. “Katniss – Peeta thing?”

“Where do we even begin?” Y/N’s voice is small and laced with insecurities and Ethan hated when she’d get that way, especially if he was why she got that way.

“Remember when Peeta had his mind messed within the Capitol and he and Katniss decided to fact check his thoughts and memories by stating something and she’d tell him if it’s real or not?” Ethan spoke fast, excited to present this idea that stemmed from a long weekend of watching movies and having sex on the couch between each part – sometimes more than once. They used to be so insatiable, so needy for each other.

“Yeah.” She spoke a little too slowly, a little unsure where Ethan was going with this.

“We could do a similar thing. No question is off the table and we get to ask each other something based on what we’ve been thinking and how correct that thinking is. It would avoid any future misunderstandings for sure.” Ethan could tell when it clicked for her, noticing her eyes widen a little and her lips curl into a small smile.

“So…If I were to ask something as scandalous as…You didn’t run into me by accident that day on the beach when we first met, you’d say?” She rose her left eyebrow in question, her lips pursed in a sassy-looking pout, knowing she had gotten him in a checkmate position.

“True.” As soon as he admitted to it, Y/N broke into a giggle fit, managing to squeeze in an accusatory “I KNEW IT” in the process. Ethan laughed as well, more because he had been denying that for years and she had finally found out the embarrassing truth.

“Yeah, but I saw you and you looked like a goddess. Grayson told me not to even bother but when he sent a ball a little too far I decided to ‘run’ into you. I never meant to put you in the hospital that day, I’m so sorry!” Ethan apologized again as if he hadn’t apologized a thousand times that day when he managed to dislocate her shoulder. He tried to do it the safest way possible too! He had wrapped his arms around her waist and threw himself onto the sand first and her on top of him. How could he know she’d wrap one of her arms a little too far around him and that it would pop her shoulder out like a Barbie doll in the process.

“Doesn’t matter. I’m glad you did it. Everything…the good and the bad…it’s gotten us here. We’re laughing about it all.”

“As long as it works and you two are honest about everything, I’m fine with that.” Standing up, she ended the session, allowing Ethan to leave.

It’s been a long time since he felt good about a therapy session, but he truly felt like he came a long way from where he was that nothing mattered anymore. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies, but he felt his heart is full and his door was always open for Y/N to come if she wanted to be home. To his utmost pleasure, she used the door more often than he expected.

Getting in front of the elevator, Ethan’s phone vibrated. Fishing it out of his pocket, he smiled when he saw Y/N’s face light up his screen. He missed her already and he was always happy to hear her voice.

However, his smile was erased once he picked up the call.

“Hey! I was just –“, he didn’t get to even tell her that he was thinking of her as her panicked voice interrupted him. His heart dropped with her words, his insides twisting.

“I ne-need you. Ethan, it’s bad. Th-there’s b-blo-blood and no one, no one’s home.”

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