#but finding the blue fur is not only IMPOSSIBLE but whatever similar fabrics i can find are so damn expensive too

[mariusslonelysoul]

What no one tells you about making plushies is that the hardest part is finding the motherfucking fabric

[abizarreyodelingincident]

LU: The Sacred Beast (for a farmer)

The Sacred Beast (for a farmer)

His skin was burning.

Black particles floated up from the ground, toward a sky an unnatural shade of dusk. Spots danced before his eyes. He couldn’t… 

Illia. The kids. He… he had to stand. 

His bones shifted. 

Link blinked away tears. 

His groans of pain echoed through the air and in his head. Where was the monster? He… he had to get away from the monster before he passed out. 

The back of his hand flared, and set the rest of him on fire. Pain took over his mind, blinding him to everything but itself. He knew that something had changed in him, but as his suffering receded, so did his strength. 

Darkness claimed him, leaving him only with the knowledge of his body changed by the magic of the monsters. The last sensation he registered was that of his nails -- hard, split -- hitting a mount of dirt in the path. 

***

“Get that beast out of here!”

It took six guards pushing with all their mights, but they managed to throw Link off his hooves. The poor adventurer headbutted the stone rails leading to the South gates. He shook his head, more annoyed than hurt by the impact. On the other hand, the stone rail had crumbled. When he narrowed his eyes back at the guards, they clearly gulped.

Now, if only they'd just let him through already.

Not for the first time, Link really wished he would have been cursed into a more intimidating form. Maybe a big dog or a wolf would have been better. He certainly wouldn't have been dragged out of town by the horns, at least. Link entertained the image of those damned guards cowering before a mighty wolf before shaking his head. Daydreams wouldn’t get him anywhere. 

***

Link tilted his head as he pushed an ear against the singing stone. Some animal instinct of his couldn't help notice the otherworldly cold around it, nor the faint voices whispering through its ritualistic structure. Notes, howled to a moonless day. And fainter still, an invitation. Suddenly, he knew what he was meant to do. That didn’t help much. 

How in Farore's name was he meant to play those melodies in this form?!

Oh boy...

Link glanced around for a bit, partly out of heroism, partly out of embarrassment. He couldn't let anyone lose their hearing from what would happen next. Maybe that skull kid would, and he guessed that'd be punishment enough for the puppetry attacks. Seemed a fair trade in retrospect.

“Well?” Midna asked, scratching her vibrant flame-red hair. “Any clues, farm boy?”

He shot her a grim look, then cleared his throat. It came out shaky, and off-key.

Her shadowed form went still. “Oh no, farm boy. You are not braying that. I can't block my ears in this form. I'm not even corporal!”

Link resolutely ignored the ghostly jab in his ribs. Alright. Alright, the notes. He had to hit the right notes, correct?

Seconds later, the skull kid fled the Lost Woods, dozens of horrified critters running past him with their ears covered in whatever way they could manage.

***

The realm of the dead shifted to accommodate two beasts, sacred, a chasm away and yet less than a stride apart. Below, Hyrule Castle was witness to the impossible meeting between ancestor and descendant, proud chosen of the Goddesses and legends of grand tales.

The last notes faded away, a sense of serenity cloaking the world as both lowered their heads.

The Golden Wolf did a double take.

“... Why are you... Shouldn't you be a wolf?”

Link pawed at the ground and aimed his horns.

The Golden Wolf cringed. “Huh, right, right, sorry. I suppose I expected my descendant to be a wolf too… not that it's wrong to be something else! At all! It's just that the goddesses spoke of the Sacred Beast, and then my spirit took this form and… you know what? Let's just get to sword training, son.”

***

“A Sacred Beast to counter a Dark Beast. Giddy up, Link. We're in need of your horns again,” Midna said from his shadow.

Link didn't groan.

He had long since learned to channel his rage into rearing hindlegs and a skullbash strong enough to decapitate a bulblin. He let the shadows engulf him, took in the comforting weight of Midna on his back, then pawed in challenge before the glowing glyphs.

Beast Ganon was very surprised, a moment later, when his mad rampaging got cut short when he slammed himself face first into a snarling goat that didn't move an inch.

His tusk broke though. 

***

Link jumped at the sound of skittering pebbles. Ever since the old king had told him he was destined to save Hyrule from the Calamity, he'd been fearing failing a second time. It felt like the second he would relax, the whole world would collapse on top of him. Anything and everything that could threaten his mission would.

He'd startled himself awake every night since the revelation. Berated himself for resting, for letting himself be vulnerable in the open where any random monster, or even ill-intentioned traveler could kill him without a fight.

He couldn't fail.

He stumbled as his foot hit a root on the path, his body suddenly heavy and his sight blurry. He straightened up against the rocky side of the cliff. No. He had to stay alert. He couldn't let down his guard. Even if his eyelids weighed more than a talus.

The noise came from above him.

Link scrambled out of the way.

The creature that trotted down the slopes of the cliffside stood about as tall as a horse, and the pair of long, linked horns only added to the height. It also had hooves, but... broken or something. Link wasn't intimidated – he'd dealt with scarier – but he kept his arrow notched just in case it turned out territorial. The last horned animal he'd gone too close to had chased him up a tree. Stupid horned thing!

This one though... it brayed softly, almost comfortingly. Link blinked. Did wild beasts do that? Without thinking, he put his bow away and reached very slowly.

It did not snap teeth at him.

Did not startle away, fleeing like they could see all his failures.

His hand met warm coarse fur, and his breath hitched.

The animal nipped his sleeves, not hard enough to even dent the fabric, and knelt. Then tilted its head.

“You… want… climb?” he pushed out, struggling to find the proper words. “Me... on you?”

It nodded. Could it understand the hylian language? Maybe his hand gestures? Every other animal so far had fled from him the second they heard him coming. The only ones that didn't were the little four legged ones that barked when he got close to a stable. Tame. Right, that was the word.

He stared some more at the animal. It reminded him of... Gasping, he pulled out his Sheikah slate and swiped through the compendium. Goat! That was it. This animal looked a bit like a goat. Bulkier, and its horns weren't right, but the fur and the body was way too similar for it not to be a goat too.

Link grinned at the animal. “Goatie. You're a Goatie.”

It did the face some Hylians made when he was proud of remembering something they said was obvious. Wild almost cringed, but a burst of noise stole his attention, and he whirled around, rusty sword in hand.

“Haha, die, Hero!” some Yiga assassin crooned as it appeared in a blast of red magic and paper talismans. “Ganon's takeover will not be sto-GAH!”

The goat had rammed straight into the assassin's chest and sent them flying. As circumstances or Hylia had willed it, it just so happened that the Yiga had laid their ambush between a cliff and a hill. Whilst the goat hadn't hit them past the cliff's edge, it had indeed thrown the assassin down the hill, where they started to roll. Cursing. Hitting trees, bushes and unfortunate foxes all the way down to a small stream. Where a handful of lizalfos nested. Yikes. That looked painful.

The goat snorted, then turned up its nose at the poor Yiga.

With vivid blue eyes the same shade as his, the goat gestured for Link to get on its back. This time, he did not hesitate.

Horses were fun, Wild decided right there and then, but Goatie was so much better.

***

“Whoa! What's that thing?” Sky jumped to his feet, nervously eying the horned beast that had calmly trotted out of the bushes.

Amongst those that had drawn their swords, only Wind and Hyrule didn't sheath them back immediately upon recognition.

“Sky,” Legend deadpanned, “that's a goat. A farm animal. Not a bloodthirsty predator.”

Blushing faintly, Sky apologized, putting his sword away. “Right. I... I never saw one of these before.”

Time quickly pat him on the back, never letting the goat out of his sight. “Better be more cautious than not. Especially since farm animals can be quite dangerous in their own right. A well-placed kick from a cow or a horse will send you to the healer just as quickly as a bite from a wolfos. That goat's horns are... larger than I'm used to.”

“Yeah, I admit, I've never met that breed before. Anyone?” Legend swept the camp with his gaze.

Most shook their heads, but Warriors put a hand to his chin. “I swear I've seen one like this before.”

Even the goat looked nonplussed at that.

“Really?” Wind asked, glancing between the animal and his big brother. “You know how to tame one.”

The goat pawed the ground.

“No, no, it was during the War of Eras, and I had to jump through timelines a lot during that time period. It's not native to my Hyrule, but it's from one of yours.”

Hyrule piped up. “Maybe it's from Twilight's world? Too bad he's gone scouting.”

Wild finally blinked himself out of his daze. “That's… that's my friend. Helped me save Hyrule and everything.”

Four stared. “A goat helped you defeat Ganon?”

Wild scratched his cheek, willing himself not to remember the loneliness, the void opening up inside him as he realized his friend couldn't accompany him to the very end. The solemn look, that last nuzzle before he had to face his destiny inside the ruins of Hyrule's old heart. The tearing sound of black particles as they shot toward the sky, and nothing was left behind him...

Wild gulped. “Okay, not specifically Ganon, but I'm not sure I would have survived on my own without his help.” With a shaking smile, he knelt by Goatie and ran a hand behind his ears. His old friend gently nipped his fringe. “I can't tell you how many Yiga imposters this big fella headbutted straight off a cliff.”

Hyrule's hands stopped just inches away from the goat's fur. His legs tensed up, as if he was getting ready to dodge when he was a threat. The goat only turned placid blue eyes at him, as if to tell him 'you see a cliff somewhere?'

Hyrule's own gaze replied with 'I see your horns' which was fair enough, really.

***

Four froze on top of the stump. Wow. He thought he was observant, but that one had blindsided him. No wonder Wild and Twilight were so close. That explained a whole lot, including many things he now realized were quite humorous.

“... Alright, Twi, this'll be our little secret, but... can I just say that your eyes still freak me out? Especially from this far below?”

“Why do you think I stare at the Pretty Boy so often?”

“... Think you can teach me this power?”

***

“I swear, if this animal tries to munch on my clothes, I won't be held responsible for what happens next.”

The passive, square pupils would haunt Warriors' next nightmare.

They also involved cliffs.

***

“No wonder he doesn’t want to tell the others. Can you imagine the Captain’s reaction?”

“It’s not just that.”

“It’s a factor though,” Wild said. 

Time gave them both flat looks. “More importantly, he’s worried about their reaction to the magic he’s using.”

Four raised an eyebrow. “Why? What magic is he using?”

Time’s reply was suspiciously fast. “No clue, but that’s his secret to tell. Remember that.”

He was quick to leave, a bit too quick. Four might need to get to the bottom of this. In the meantime though, he showed Wild a smirk. 

“... I still think he’s a bit shy about his beast form.”

Wild snorted. 

***

“So, you've noticed how the old man is always calling Twilight 'kid', right?”

Wild raised an eyebrow and shrugged. “Yeah, and? Time's an old man. We're all green boys to him, that's all.”

“-except,” Legend jumped in, sharp, “he only calls Twilight 'kid'. Not you, or the little pirate or our resident smithy or, heaven forbids, me. Only our farmhand, who is coincidentally the second oldest with Warriors here.”

Wild discreetly looked for an exit, and to his despair, found none.

Warriors placed a hand over Wild's shoulder. “Look, it's obvious those two have a close bond. He's taking Twilight under his wing, showing him the ropes, having secret meetings. Not to mention the way Malon always had a soft look for him at the ranch.”

Okay, he didn't know what was going on there, but he also had a feeling he was going to hate everything that would come out of Legend's and Warriors' mouths. Tension was locking his muscles into places even as he tried to figure out an escape plan before he was subjected to an interrogation that would end up with Twilight's secret being revealed. He really didn't want to see Twilight's reaction to being betrayed so.

“Here's what we figured out. Time is Twilight's father. They just don't want to admit it so that our teamwork is not affected.”

Wild screamed on the inside.

“And you might be thinking that Twilight's too old to be his son, but consider this: time travel. Twilight is Time's kid from his future and they're both aware of it, so it's why Twilight looks up to him so much, even if they were a bit hesitant at first.”

Mental-Wild screamed louder.

“You... ”

“Don't even try. Twilight grew up on a ranch. He told us his dad taught him swordplay, and you can't ignore how similar their technique with a blade is.”

… Alright, that last one was a pretty good question. If Twilight was separated from Time by a good few generations, how in the world did they have this kind of technique? “He told me he's adopted.”

Warriors rolled his eyes and became instantly more punchable. “A weak deflection, Wild. The evidence doesn't lie.”

Legend stared a few seconds longer, then smirked. “No, no, Warriors, it's okay. I get it. Twilight and him are pretty close too. I'm sure they share a few secrets too. It's only natural. Wild can't deny or confirm anything, right?”

“No, I'm telling you he's not-”

Legend patted him on the shoulder, and was lucky Wild didn't smack him. “We understand.” Legend smugly ruffled his hair.

Seriously, Twilight better appreciate how much effort it was to keep this secret from the others!

***

Warriors threw his hands in the air. “Okay, there's no way Goatie following us is a coincidence. We're in the middle of the desert! There's no food to graze here!”

“I'm telling you,” Wild groaned. “He's the Sacred Beast, sent by the goddesses in Hyrule's time of need.”

Hyrule looked away from the ruins' carving he was trying to decipher. “Huh?”

“The Kingdom!”

“Wild, your pet goat is great and all... ” Legend carefully slid behind Time and away from the large farm animal, eyes wary. “But you don't have to pretend it's a goddesses-given gift just to keep him around. Nayru knows I've had my share of non-divine, regular animal companions too. And they talked.”

Hyrule and Wind perked up. “Oh, really?” the little pirate asked.

Legend launched himself into a succinct if entertaining description of the time he snuggled inside a kangaroo's pouch in order to jump over ravines and hidden caves. Goatie watched from the other side of the campfire, poking Warriors whenever the soldier seemed to doze off.

***

“Twilight!” Wild shouted, scrambling through his slate to summon up a bow and arrow.

Stupid world hopping. Stupid sunny day. They'd landed in one of Akkala's grassy fields, and it had seemed safe. He'd catalogued the location of the worst of Ganon's minions all over the slate, and there really shouldn't have been anything out of the ordinary here of all places. He'd told the others as much. They hadn't completely relaxed, but they hadn't been prepared either for a lynel straight up rampaging into their camp.

Nor for the small horde of lesser creatures flanking it.

At some point, the lynel had managed to corner his big brother alone by the edge of a cliff, the remaining creatures forming a wall between them. Then a club swing had ripped the Ordon Sword out of Twilight's grip, and Wild's heart had sunken lower than his stomach.

He had to save him!

Wild weaved between a pair of lizalfos that Sky and Warriors ran through the next second, ducked under a moblin's foot that was burned to a crisp right after and slid with his bow at the ready. The lynel had picked up Twilight in one of its enormous paws and lifted him off the ground as if he didn't weigh thrice as much as Four.

Heat and light flared at the back of the lynel's throat.

He wouldn't make it.

“No!”

Twilight grabbed the sides of the lynel's head with both hands.

Even the monster paused, too surprised to react.

Wild winced preemptively.

Twilight slammed his forehead against the lynel's skull.

The impact rang like a bell. 

The lynel collapsed.

Twilight landed with a dull thud on top of the beast's massive arms, and they could only rush forward in an attempt to help him away before it stood back up. Other monsters scampered, horrified at their leader being downed in one blow. Yet, as the Links were but a few body lengths away, the lynel's eyes flickered open, fangs glimmering with the flames licking the back of its throat.

With a barely human howl, Twilight grabbed the sides of the lynel's head again. It whimpered. 

The Links all stopped right in their tracks to cringe preemptively. Someone, likely Wind, muttered “Oh shit.”

The resounding crack of bones sent a shiver down their spines.

The lynel's chin dug three inches into solid ground. Its eyes rolled back into its skull, and its tongue lolled out onto its beard. It wasn't getting up again.

Twilight staggered away, glaring a storm at the retreating monsters. “And fracking stay the goshesses away from my herd!” he slurred at them with a shaky fist.

“So,” Legend began, as shell shocked as a pale Warriors, “remember when you described Twi as having a head as hard as a goron's teeth?”

Warriors mutely nodded.

“Turns out that was an understatement.”

***

Legend subtly put his magic mirror to the side, pretending he hadn't seen a pretty interesting reflection moments earlier. With faux nonchalance, he picked up Twilight's hawk mask. The effect on his sight was worth experimenting, but it was the appearance it gave that Legend sought.

“You know, this kind of reminds me,” he started, watching his fellow hero for his reactions. “In a faraway kingdom, it is traditional to don masks in the likeness of beasts to honor the survival of those that became one in the dark world.”

Twilight, to his credit, appeared entirely guileless. “Huh, and here I heard you became a phantom, unable to interact with anyone else, never to realize you've become lost.”

Well, he had the 'helpless' part right. But Legend wouldn't let that little game distract him. So, Twilight didn't want to come out and say it outright?

“What kind of beast would you want to be?”

Twilight didn't even hesitate. “A wolf, obviously.”

Four choked on his saliva.

Awkward silence fell on top of the clearing as three out of the four heroes exchanged baffled looks, before two of that same number decided that Twilight, apparently, couldn't lie to save his life.

“OBVIOUSLY!” Wild screeched.

Beads of nervous sweat rolled on the sides of Four's face as he nodded. “Y-yeah, I mean, it's kind of the logical choice for Twilight. I can't believe you don't see it.”

Wild frantically rushed to Twilight's side and gestured to his pelt and hood. “He's so wolf-like! With his... goat pelt... and goat head hood.”

“Preys!” Four jumped to his feet, struck by frankly divine inspiration. “Preys he took down like a wolf!”

Cool as a cucumber, Twilight grabbed his little brother by the shoulder and pulled him closer. There was something in his expression, something sharper, and perhaps even a bit feral. It glinted in the flash of teeth he showed, before the grin softened. “See? They agree with me.”

Legend stared, his neutral expression hiding the surge of disgust that had flowed through him at the idea that they considered this a convincing argument. The sheer insult that they thought he bought that. At least, their reactions pretty much gave away that they knew about Twilight's caprine form.

His smile intact, Twilight extricated himself from the other two's grip, ruffling their hair as he went. “Well, that was a fun thought, but I think I ought to scout for a bit, lest we get ambushed by monsters in our downtime.”

And with that, he left, shameless. Legend felt a vein pulse on his forehead as he noticed the goat emblem painted on Twilight's shield. His mind became torn between a massive groan of exasperation and crippling shame that he hadn't made the connection before. Had anyone else ever met a goat just like Goatie?

Four and Wild eyed him nervously. But the second Legend tried to hold their gaze, they decided that they really, really needed to get back to brainstorming the forging of a weapon for Wild. Good luck with that, he thought, idiots.

Mere moments later, Legend found Twilight leaning against a tree, shaking all over from silent laughter. He was clutching his ribs, whimpering as he bit down on his knuckles not to explode.

Oh.

Teary eyed, with a massive grin on his face, Twilight breathed out a long sigh of relief. “Did you see their faces?”

Legend blinked. Apparently, Twilight couldn't lie to save his life, but he could play others around him like cheap grass whistles.

Despite himself, Legend said: “I'm impressed.”

“I really shouldn't... ” Twilight admitted with a sly grin. “But you don't know joy until you've forced Wild to try and cover up for you. Even though he constantly needs someone to do it for him, he's just so bad at it.”

Legend smirked. “And here I thought you were a stick in the mud. Turns out under that exterior of a solemn, serious young man hides a troublemaker with a good poker face. What would our dear leader say?”

For a second, Twilight eyed him as if he had sprouted a second head and started dancing. Then, he snorted and patted his shoulder. “Veteran, you should see what the Old Man's capable of.”

Mildly disturbed, Legend found himself grateful when one of Wind's bokoblin jumped out of the foliage and attempted to assassinate them. It was a welcome distraction from a much scarier prospect. The short-lived attack also led him to discover the source of Twilight's shapeshifting.

The cursed stone lit up with orange lines, inches away from Twilight's eyes. “Yep, that's how I do it. During my adventures, I needed a bit of help, but now I can control it myself. Still pretty dangerous for someone else though.”

“So, you use dark magic... to turn into a goat.”

“Pretty much. What about it?”

“Nothing. I just needed to say it out loud.”

Twilight pondered, then shrugged. “I suppose that's fair. Now, I really do need to scout our surroundings if there are bokoblins lying in wait like this. You're coming?”

With a nod, Legend followed in his footsteps. He hadn't thought he shared too many points in common with Twilight, but apparently, his companion was full of surprises. It made him wonder what else there might be under that plain, good country boy façade... Eh, he supposed he would find out eventually.

“By the way, dark magic turns me into a pink bunny.”

“No way.”

BONUS

Ordon saw the serenity of its pre-harvest morning suddenly destroyed by high-pitched screaming.

“I told you he's not Time's time-traveling son from the future! See? This looks nothing like Lon Lon Ranch! It's not even in the right spot on the map!”

Legend shrugged, leaning against the goats' enclosure. One of said animals trotted a bit closer, and Legend briefly pondered if Twilight would use cursed artefacts for the sole purpose of getting the jump on one of them. In the end, it was seeing said farmer, in all his inglorious bumpkin garments that actually convinced him that the goat sniffing at his sleeves was just a goat.

“There were a lot of correlating details. Twilight being Time's son would have explained a lot.”

Twilight's subsequent pause and shrug were entirely too innocent. “Well, I am adopted and no one knows who my blood parents are, so I guess it's possible...”

“OH COME ON!”

[myaekingheart]

I feel like I should just stop hoping for better dreams because every time I mention something about having a shitty dream, I always have an even worse one the next night and I'm just not sure it's all that worth it anymore.

As much as I hate doing things out of order, I'm going to start with the second dream I had tonight because the first dream kind of ties in with something else from later on, not so much a dream as it was a scenario or imagining of sorts. So anyways, second dream I had last night was that I was in a big warehouse-style fabric store. I don't exactly remember what I was doing there but the thing I remember most was standing in one of the aisles and they had a collection of capelets hanging up on an extension of one of the shelves. I remember looking through them with the intent of potentially buying one (since I've kind of wanted to get one for a winter variant of my Rapunzel cosplay) but none of them were quite right. The majority of them were either blue or red or fuschia, all warm, thick fabric with white fur trim, except for the one at the front of the collection that was hot pink satin with black lace trim. They were cute, sure, but none of them were exactly what I was looking for. There was also a nude mock neck leotard in the exact size on the other side of the aisle that I remember thinking I should get because the one I ordered online a few months back ended up being way bigger than I thought and I've been lowkey salty about it since. I don't remember if this was part of this same dream sequence or not but I'm going to group it together anyways for the sake of being concise and because of similar subject matter: there was another part of the dream where I remember getting a box in the mail and opening it up to find a pair of yellow bow shoe clips for Snow White that I've had saved on an Amazon wishlist for a while now.

Alright, so here goes the first dream: I don't remember the exact specifics of it but I just remember being someplace, probably my apartment, and my boyfriend's dead ex showed up alive and well. I want to say I remember her knocking on the door and my boyfriend answered it to find her staring back at him with a massive grin on her face and my boyfriend just being completely shell shocked to find that, holy fuck, she's alive??? I remember being in the same room as her, maybe the living room or the kitchen but I don't remember which specifically, and feeling so fucking weird about it, as if something wasn't quite right and we weren't meant to be in the same room together or whatever. There was just something eerie and strange about it, and it all felt so fucking real. I felt like I was literally standing in the same room as her, a foot away from her, comparing myself to her the entire time. About how much smaller I felt compared to her because she was no doubt taller and fuller figured than my tiny, "heroin chic" (so to speak) frame. Comparing myself to her cleavage, her curves, her bright aura and peppy, outgoing nature. Her frilly scene kid clothes and side swept bangs and kawaii, hand-over-mouth selfie face. Meanwhile I'm flat-chested skin and bones filled with cynicism and dark lipstick and black t-shirts and a resting bitch face. I don't remember too many other specifics of the dream except for the fact that when she came back, my boyfriend dumped me. He chose her over me. I know in reality this is impossible because she's more bone than I am by now but still, even knowing she's dead and that's never changing, I still have a constant fear that he'd rather be with her than me. Which brings me to the last dream, even though it was more of a scenario since I was awake (but my eyes were closed, so a lucid dream maybe?). I envisioned my boyfriend and I travelling up north for my best friend's wedding-- my best friend lives in the same state my boyfriend's ex did. At some point during our trip, we pull up to his ex's house to see her family. My boyfriend approaches the front door, meanwhile I hang back by the car nervous and feeling incredibly out of place. Her mother answers and welcomes him inside, glancing back to me suspiciously before my boyfriend realizes I never followed him up and motions for me to come with him. I wander inside after him and instantly feel nauseous, like I know I'm not meant to be there and that it feels weird being there in the first place as this was a house I only ever saw in my imagination and in the background of pictures I've snooped through. It feels like sneaking backstage at Disneyland-- you're not supposed to be there but you've thought about it countless times and seen pictures of it on the internet but not even those can prepare you for what really being there is like. It was all so vivid, too, like I felt like I was actually stepping foot in this house, this mausoleum filled with her memories and belongings. I remember sitting next to my boyfriend on the couch in the living room as he chatted with her parents and older brother, only half listening to the conversation as I clenched my legs together and prayed for some sort of escape or emergency to get me out of there. I remember retreating behind everyone's backs out to the back porch and just staring out into the backyard, motionless and almost even breathless. I remember thinking of what would happen if her brother found me out there, of what would happen if I told him, this stranger, everything I was feeling. Of this strange and disgusting relationship I have with the ghost of his dead sister. Of how I hoped he'd pity me and tell me not to feel the way I am, but knowing deep down that that's selfish idealism and that of course he'd rather me be dead than his beloved baby sister, even if her death had absolutely nothing to do with me. I imagined sitting there in that living room with my boyfriend and his dead ex's family and feeling so out of place. I imagined her mother eyeing me like a rabies-infested rat that needs to be killed immediately and speaking to me in passive aggressive tones, ignoring me as best she could. And why wouldn't she? How dare I steal such a great guy from her sweet angel? Her daughter certainly deserves him way more than I ever will. I remember after a while, I couldn't handle it anymore-- any of it-- and just rushed out of the house, mumbling that this was a mistake and that I never should've went there. I sped down the street, refusing to look back, arms crossed and eyes locked on the ground in front of me, not even caring where I was going. I didn't even know where I was going. So long as I got as far away from that house, I didn't seem to really care. I thought anywhere would've been better than there, or at least until I reached a wooden fence surrounding a big, green field with a single grave in the center of it: her grave. I must've jumped the fence because I remember approaching it and feeling like I was going to be sick, and then sitting beside it with knees drawn up to my chest and just staring at it, and thinking how strange it is to be sitting right there above her dead body, finally in the same vicinity as her. Praying that that was the slap of reality I needed to finally knock some sense into me, to stop worrying about if my boyfriend would still choose her over me if she was alive, because she wasn't alive and that was the hard truth solidified right then and there. I remember wondering what happened at the house after I left, imagining her family being offended at my abrupt departure and wondering if my boyfriend would grab his things and chase after me, try to find me, make sure I was safe or whatever. My mind defaulted to that being the case, that he'd come after me, which would probably be the most likely case, but fearing that perhaps there was a chance he wouldn't. That her family would be important to him than me. That he'd rather stay with them enveloped in grief for her than retrieve me from a strange, unfamiliar place or a self-torturous situation. I still think that should've been me. That I should've died instead. I'm the one who deserves to be decomposing six feet under. Fuck, here we fucking go again with this shit. It's like the self hatred and obsessive thoughts about this will never fucking end.