#but healing- and becoming someone who wouldn't do this- isn't impossible. it'll always be something he can reach one day if he really tries

[tommyssupercoolblog]

not putting the reblog banner on this one bc it would feel disrespectful. anyway big fucking mood, felt in my soul. trying SO HARD not to think abt the drama rn.

[voicestm]

I know most people aren't gonna talk about it. Because it wouldn't occur to them or they just.. Don't have the experiences to pull from. But I do. And I don't always leave in trauma from my own life but Astarion is a little different. And as I'm digging my fingers into him.. And keep learning more and more about him, the more i begin to love him and see just a little too much of myself in bits of him.

So this is your time to exit the chat if you don't wanna see some hard truths.

Astarion would miss, mourn and feel guilt over Cazador. It's nearly impossible to explain if you haven't been through the trauma or have someone close to you who has.. But there's usually a certain switch that gets flipped when you're trapped with your captor for any length of time. It's one of few ways we learn to survive so long under their thumb. And it takes years of hard work, really hard work, to get to a point where your first natural reaction isn't .. "Don't talk about them like that. Don't say that. Don't think that. You don't understand. They didn't mean to." And so much more that it's impossible to write it all out. But there's this gut reaction to defeat and deflect. Even from your own inner voice. Oh, and the guilt. The loneliness. The.. Sheer otherness you feel. It's hard. It's so hard that most people probably don't talk about it with people who haven't been there cause it feels like they can never understand. And you don't want them to! Do you have any idea how broken we feel? How broken we are? We wouldn't wish that on anyone. Even if it meant some understanding. But that being said. Astarion knows exactly who and what Cazador was. He doesn't forget that. It's nothing something you can forget. But. It's in constant fight with everything else. A war between logic and good sense and emotions. It'll take him a long time to be healed, so that he doesn't always feel that way but he'll never be free of it. It'll be with him until death. And I think when Astartion ascends and there's that moment where he screams to never say his name.. It's a call back to that. Those deeply rooted emotions that abusers implant in their victims.. It's the best means they have to protect themselves. To make their victims their biggest advocates. And even when the victim becomes their abuser.. That's still just right inside of them. But there's been no healing and the lashing out is so much worse. And the self hatred? Oof. There's just not words for all the ways you hate yourself for missing and defending your abuser even when you know you shouldn't. But honestly.. That's a longer discussion for another time.

[aceghosts]

2 in 1 Quizzes

Just cleaning out the drafts and posting these uquiz results.

Rooney Shepard

healer's burden

most of what i can say here is sheeesh….yikes…..ouch…. so you don't have a savior complex, because you understand that's toxic. you're not here to save anyone: you're here to heal them, with or without them knowing, because you love so much and care so deeply and you're very stubborn about it. there's no one on this earth that you wouldn't give a helping hand to--but it's called a burden for a reason, because this isn't a one-person job. as a protagonist, you're determined and selfless, but as a person, you probably need a break. heal yourself for a little, okay?

the steadfast

your soul is filled with the strength of one who has watched too many break before them. you set high standards for yourself and those around you, sometimes impossible marks. you know how the world should be and you're determined to make it so. was tough love what you needed? or was it the only thing you were ever offered. there are some things you cannot bend to your will and your bones will break before you turn back the tide. let go a little and breathe in the air. have you even stopped to look at the empire you built? have you noticed how far you've come?

Hunter Delaney

the spiteful wonder

ooooh, you're underestimated--and pissed about it. are you a middle child? hm. these are protagonists who get told to do one thing and do exactly the opposite. life is on your terms, not anyone else's. your failures and successes are on the same level of consequence, but you do feel as if something about the world is inherently unfair--and you're just reckless enough to think you can change that.

the strong-willed

your soul has touched darkness and so you learned to wrap yourself within it. you felt fear and decided you would never let it control you again. you're not always all sharp edges and cool stares, but you refuse to be prey again. you turned your teeth into fangs so you would be the one to bite. you learned to growl louder than all the predators who stole your innocence. it may seem like you don't care, sometimes you try to pretend you don't, but i see the way you sharpen your knives when the ones you care about are hurting.

Riley Callahan

universe's accident

you don't think you're special, but you really, really are. and yeah okay, maybe you weren't supposed to be here, but damn, we're glad you are. whatever prank the universe pulled, it was backfired beautifully. you're the type of protagonist whose flaws become their greatest assets. your boughts of bad luck eventually come back around as bonuses to you and what you protect as miraculous coincidences of earned convenience. always remember--there are no accidents.

the wonderlust heart

your soul longs for your adventure. sometimes you're filled with so many ambitions and dreams you think you might burst. you rush about in a frenzy, afraid to miss out on all the opportunities life has to offer. you see the world with all it's light and all its darkness and can't help but see something beautiful in every part. every star and every shadow. you say you're running towards your goals, but sometimes i think you're trying to escape the ugly things you couldn't paint over.

Emerson Wright

along for the ride

now this isn't so much a protagonist as it is someone with a lack of boundaries. but hey. who am i to judge. you're here because you just are. things happen to you, you don't happen to things. there's no "fateful day", there's simply "ah, shit. here we go.". and to be fair--it truly can be so enriching, and a lot others around you might've missed out on some of these life-altering adventures you got to be a part of. but consider--you can't be a side character to your own life. whether you feel it or not, you do matter. so stop the car, or drive yourself for a little. it'll be worth it.

the analyzing heart

you have the soul of an intellect. you like to figure out how things work, you want to take them apart and put them back together again. you strive for answers and you're not afraid to ask the difficult questions. one day you'll have to learn to accept not everything can be explained away. it's okay to let your heart bleed. it's okay to let your soul long for impossible things. the most incredible mysteries are the ones that are never solved, but merely felt.