#THE VICTIM has all my love in the world. may she have happiness and healing in the future. this was like rlly awful | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kneelingshadowsalome · 4 months

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Idea I've had for highschool sweetheart to make könih further rot in guilt because it's silly and amusing that I simply had to share <3

In cliques of the nature of his bullies there are always the internal dynamics people outside don't see. Like how one person is never felt true compliments, only back handed ones if not just straight up insults. Fed lies about how no one else would ever be friends with them, the punching bag of within the clique to keep the glue of the group strong and firm. Naturally it would have been the shyest and most bookish person within the group. But you've known these people your entire life they didn't always act like this they used to be kind and good. (right? they, they were kind once right?) so day dreams become an escape because how could anyone be friends with you? How could anyone tolerate you? Especially after you were around the clique, how could you ever approach the quiet boy who you knew they picked on. He must hate you. You longed to be friends (don't delude yourself you didn't wish to be friends you wished to be lovers but start small right). How could you ever approach him. And then graduation comes and you're abandoned. You can heal and begin to find your personhood. You can pick the shattered pieces of your confidence up off the floor and glue your life back together. It takes years but eventually you gather up the courage to reach out to the boy after he misses the reunion. You want to apologize for your passivity at least. You must after all. (You were children and both victims in your own right but how could this ever be spoken of? You must play the role of the bystander because who would ever believe otherwise? You may have healed but there are still cracks of course.) and much later maybe he learns all this, maybe he reads it in a journal or a letter addressed to him, maybe you finally get the courage to tell him. And the guilt and rot grows like fungus over his heart, eating his anger alive and churning out something like grief in return. Not that you'd noticed the anger, you just saw the second chance, of course he would be wary of you, of course he would have changed over the decade, but a decade of growth was only done on the foundation of the boy you loved before. How could you not love the man he's become now?

tee hee I'm going insane I hope you enjoy my little ramble

Yes yes yes the delicious reveal of how it was for her, that she wasn’t having a happy time in the clique, that she, too, was suffering! ❤️‍🩹

In my opinion König would eventually come to his senses. If we’re treating this scenario with actual seriousness, he would eventually see that what he’s doing is useless and stupid and hurtful and unjust to both of them. I mean he’s clinically insane, he’s nasty and troubled and traumatized and works for a fucking PMC and tortures people but... he’s not rotten to the core. König is like a stray dog that bites if it feels like it’s about to get cornered and beaten again, and that’s his viewpoint with high school sweetheart actually. It may sound silly and misplaced but he’s just too triggered to see that he’s about to do a royal fuck-up with her.

And the unbearable shame when he realizes? When he faces the thing he has become? It’s simply too much to bear, he has worked so hard on himself & to put that shit behind him, he’s built confidence from scratch, he’s built actual, physical muscle just to feel better about himself, he probably joined the military because it was his middle finger to the world. Yes, he had aspirations and actual passions concerning the sniper dream but he’s also driven by this need to prove a shitload of people wrong.

And in walks this babe who reminds him of a time when he was nothing. Absolutely nothing. How do you love that? Because ultimately, it means you have to love yourself and who you were before you became the incredible Austrian Hulk. At the core of it is a 6 feet deep insecurity because König doesn’t feel he’s worthy of her at all.

I think the only thing that would cleanse his heart from pain is the revelation that she suffered too. As sad as it is, that’s what makes his heart crack open because then he gets to play the savior. But then comes the “Do you still love me even if I almost turned into the monster I always battled against” part… Because König would pay her authenticity "generously" by revealing the bully he almost became. And I think that’s when high school sweetheart really needs to ask herself if she’s up for this kind of shit, if she’s actually ready to love this man who isn’t as cool and tough as she thought he was, who is deeply flawed and resentful and childish and cruel.

Part of her probably knows that already and even loves his flaws, but loving König is like loving that stray dog. He’s gonna bring fleas and dried-up mud into your house eventually. Especially if you feed him and give him a scratch… Put a nice, cosy bed for him by the fire... Tell him he's cute when he whines next to your bed... Teach him it’s ok to prefer to sleep with you instead :/

#he's a problem/rescue dog #character study stuff #könig x highschool sweetheart

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poppyandzena · 15 days

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As someone with borderline in remission, whose sister has active BPD and is working very hard to manage her symptoms, it’s genuinely depressing to hear how P&Z talk about BPD and infuriating to realize how many people with BPD listen to Poppy talking about it like it cannot be managed. I worked so goddamn hard to get to where I am today, and I am so goddamn proud of my beautiful, STRONG, WONDERFUL sister for how far she’s come with managing her own symptoms. When she recognizes herself starting to fixate on people or spiral around incidents, she tries to reach out to people she trusts and listen to their input rather than immediately letting her fears and pain drown her. Sometimes she still goes under, and when she gets enough distance from these situations to see clearly, she apologizes and tries to make amends. She’s learning more every day. When her “fixation” suddenly left her in an extremely traumatic way a couple of years ago (taking their pets with them and spreading horrible lies among their mutual friends on the way out) she fought the urge to try to find her and instead contacted my partner and me for support. And she managed the emotional fallout without giving in to her impulses. I was so proud of her then, just as I was proud of myself when I had a horrible fight with my partner and had the stability to take a walk and come back ready to talk about it calmly rather than going to extremes.

If you are reading this and have been convinced by P&Z that those emotional black holes that open underneath you are just your fate and cannot be changed: please listen to me. It doesn’t have to be this way. Love doesn’t have to be a roller coaster, you can love someone and have them be a genuine place of stability for you. You can experience all of that joy without the dread of what comes when they cross the line between “favorite person” and genuine partner. The relief that comes with recognizing that you will be forgiven, that you will still be LOVED, is worth building towards. I know how painful it is to live with BPD, and I know how much more painful it feels to fight it, but the world is so much bigger and so much more beautiful when you don’t explore it constantly weighted down by dread. The struggle is worth it. I promise. I may not know you, but I know there is a path from where you are to where I am. Don’t give in to despair. Don’t accept a lifetime of being victimized by your own emotions. You deserve much better than to just survive the storms, you deserve to LIVE. You deserve to know how it feels to fall asleep next to someone you love and trust that they will still love you if you wake up screaming and disrupt their sleep. You deserve to understand that you are not lying to those you love, you truly are someone worth caring about. You deserve relationships (familial, platonic, romantic or otherwise) that grow stronger through healing rather than being shattered by any conflict. You deserve to learn who you are underneath all the debris, and learn how you can love yourself and how you want to be loved by others. I hope you find your path to happiness, whatever form it may take.

I was afraid once of getting better because I was afraid I wouldn’t feel things as intensely and/or I’d lose my creativity. But that’s not what happened. Joy unbridled by dread, love unbound by insecurity, these feelings are worth fighting for. Your loved ones, unfiltered by every painful thing that’s ever happened to you, are more beautiful than you can imagine. The world is kinder and brighter and more complex than it appears filtered through fear. And I hope you all get the chance to see it.

Please do not listen to people like Poppy telling you that this is all you will ever be. Please. I listened to people like her for far too long. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.

Thank you so much.

#poppy and zena #zena and poppy #poppy diabolique #poppy #ladydiabolique #poppy & zena

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elysian-drops · 9 months

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Something I’ve wondered as I was reading Appetence, how is it that the cut on Harri’s hand healed but not the hickeys she got later? If Harri is self-healing herself subconsciously then does that mean that she wouldn’t heal the marks that she liked receiving..? Or didn’t perceive them as threatening to her health because they weren’t maliciously intended?

Hi!

Wow, okay, I’m really happy you picked up on that detail because it’s one of those tiny world-building things that I don’t really have the time or space to explain in the actual story (but nonetheless have been really wanting to discuss 😂).

You’re right in that Harri is healing subconsciously— though, it isn’t really herself doing it so much as it is the horcrux. This may be a bit of a long-winded answer, but bear with me 😂

In my world-building notes for Appetence, I initially framed the horcruxes as having varying levels of sentience depending on what percent of Voldemort’s original soul they contained (i.e. the Diary was the most sentient and the Diadem was the least). Sentience here is defined by, more or less, how much energy/magic they themselves, as objects, contain and can exert on the world or take in (like how the Diary could possess Ginny, talk with Harri, and bring them into its memories). For example, in order for the Diadem to be on the same level of activity as the Diary (i.e being able to possess a person and interact with its environment) it would need to take in a substantially larger amount of energy from its victim due to how little it was originally imbued with— and, in the process, probably kill them off quite fast. This is in comparison to the longer feeding time of the Diary: it drained Ginny rather slowly as it was, initially, only seeking to replace the energy it was spending via her possession (this is to say that it had enough of its original own energy that it didn’t /need/ to possess Ginny from the get-go in order to interact with its environment). So that’s the general horcrux system in place.

Of course, the two biggest anomalies in this system are Nagini and Harri. As both belong to a ‘living’ vessel, their horcruxes (despite being the last ones made and therefore with the lowest percentages of the original soul) are far more active + contain more energy than their predecessors. I honestly love thinking of the horcruxes as parasites that require a host in order to become increasingly sentient 😂 Essentially then, both Harri and Nagini are ‘hosts’ who fuel their horcruxes by providing them with a steady energy source (i.e they never go dormant like the others do— aka the Diary who was awakened after Ginny wrote in it). Though in contrast to Nagini, Harri’s horcrux is by far the most active (and I would say the strongest out of all of V’s remaining ones, and, perhaps, even the Diary before it was destroyed). This is for namely two reasons: a) the presence of innate magic in Harri that the Scar-crux is continuously feeding from that Nagini lacks, and b) the original whole soul of Harri that it latched onto and made its own (which is the biggest difference as the others were attached to soul-less vessels and were therefore dependent on whatever percentage Voldemort could spare for them). I have a whole other post (which I’ll link here) that explains how Harri’s soul ended up forming around Voldemort’s, if you’re interested (I call it the Soul Jello theory 😂). But overall, this is to say that Harri’s horcrux is on a different level entirely (something that even V remarks on and doesn’t quite understand himself how it works).

Now what does this have to do with Harri’s healing? Well, I’m glad you asked 😂

So far, we’ve seen her horcrux become more and more active the longer its in Voldemort’s general proximity. Compared to earlier in the story, it now talks to her more frequently, influences her mood, her magic, has become keenly aware of its environment, and so forth— and this includes the state of her body and healing processes. As parasitic as it is, the horcrux’s goal is not to destroy its host, but rather prolong its usefulness: this means trying not to kill it outright lol. For Scar-crux, this manifests in trying to maintain a homeostasis within Harri so that she can keep feeding it— aka trying to avoid exposing her body to too much stress and having it potentially shut down. The horcrux heals things that would actively put her in danger of that stress (i.e cuts, bleeding out), and it does so without her really even knowing about it (namely by hijacking her magic for its own use). Basically, Scar-crux is always running in the background and doing maintenance wherever it can 😂 Of course, it has limitations on what it can realistically achieve. Severe cuts or broken bones? Yeah, that’s going to take longer— and significantly more energy (which, keep in mind, it has to leach from Harri). Above all, I like to imagine that the Scar-crux is quite smart about it: it knows when it simply isn’t cost-efficient to heal her on its own (aka when it’ll just cause her body even more stress and therefore more damage). For instance, take her ongoing issue with malnutrition: it would’ve been an enormous energy expenditure to try to fix that through magic, so the Scar-crux limited itself to only the little things that would keep her near-ish stability (healing minor burns from the stove, smalls nicks and cuts, keeping down her fevers, etc). Hickeys? Same thing: they don’t pose an immediate danger to her health, so it didn’t bother fixing them.

Of course, there are other limitations to this ability as well: the horcrux can’t, for example, heal wounds inflicted by Voldemort’s magic. Consider the bite wound from the beginning. When Severus goes to heal it, he remarks that “he felt some resistance to his magic” and “had seen a shimmer dance over the bite's surface”— the bite wasn’t just physical, but also was magical in nature due to V’s venom/parselmagic. I like to think of this limitation as trying to put out a fire with more fire, really— it just isn’t feasible.

So, overall, you’re right that the healing is entirely subconscious and only done when it's perceived to threaten her health! And really, bless the Scar-crux for all its efforts to keep Harri going— I certainly wouldn’t want that job 😂 Though that being said, I really do like your thought on her not healing the marks she liked receiving 👀 That's also quite on-brand for her 😂

Thanks again for the question and for letting me ramble a bit about some of my headcanons for the Appetence universe! It’s always a treat whenever I get to do that 💕

#answered #appetence #queue #appetence headcannon #female harry potter

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an-ishgardian-tale · 2 months

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From the journal of Viviane Jienuex-Vimaroix

It was quite satisfying to stand on a stage again and sing as I once did long ago. Like many things in my life I had become caught up in what made others happy. I took on a gimmick, an act that for the better part of four turns let me be anyone besides who I am and when it all slowed down, when I started to see what I had done. I was left with one question.

Who am I?

I might not have the full answer for that, but then do we ever? We go through many changes through out our lives. What served us last turn might not this turn. The best part of this? It is okay to change and do so when we feel the need. The hard part is giving ourselves permission to let go of those old habits and paths we no longer need.

I remember when I said to Father Vashax I did not know myself. Those years after my kidnapping kept me from learning all the things a teenager and young adult should have learned. I told him I felt jaded, bitter that those things were taken from me and he told me it was in my right to be, but he also asked me to examine if I truly did not know myself or if I just chose not to know myself because it was not vision of a perfect life and it was not like any old persons life.

Through that I learned who I am not. I am not a victim, I am not a quitter, I am not a burden and I am certainly not a person that will allow others to walk all over me. It had been there the entire time. The answers that I craved, the words that I needed to start healing once and for all. They weren't perfect, I am not perfect. That is the best part of all. I am not perfect none of us are and we should never be.

Every mistake I have ever made was necessary to grow as an individual. It taught me to communicate who I am. I will never enjoy conflict with a loved one or a stranger, but who does? It is okay to disagree. It is okay to fight and it is okay to be angry with someone. Anger is our mind and our body remembering a time we were treated poorly and our dislike of that time. It is our defender, it fuels us to stand up for ourselves and it lets us have a voice in a world that would otherwise silence us if we let it.

There are things that I may never understand, old wounds on my heart that I did not deserve. We are simply not meant to know it all in one day, one Moon, one turn or one lifetime. That is okay now. If I knew it all, already I would be bored. The things that I have learned from Father Vashax's has helped make that dreadful past exactly that. It is now a place I can look and see the progress I have made and the person I have become, instead of the rooms full of untold horrors that I ran from.

The other night standing on stage, being introduced for the first time in front of an audience by my birth name, made my heart feel so full. Looking out at those faces, seeing my loved there, my Brother. It was different than I expected. I felt hope, I felt love and I felt wonderful, I still do.

Mysteri L'etranger is forever part of me, she is not dead or some tragic ending. I evolved from her. She was what I needed as I began my journey. She was brave, charismatic and she believed in her personal power. Those things are still here, part of the identity that had been formed by working through my dark days. She was my shield when I felt so very alone and misunderstood. She protected me when I could not protect myself.

I have found happiness in ways I have never thought possible. My career, my bakery and most importantly, my husbands. All things I dreamed of that kept me going under the dark Moons. I made it here. To this place where I am just Viviane and I am damn proud of that.

I may never be able to answer the question from the beginning of this entry. I may never be able to draw myself a map containing everything that makes up me. That's okay, I do not need the answer today. It is what it is, I am who I am. The curator of my own life story and you know what? If you knew my story you would have a good story to tell. Twelve that was a delightful song to sing. I should find the lyrics to that "This is me" song I did turns ago as Stardust and rework the choreography. It was one of the first songs I ever did on the Stills stage.

For now this is all, more to come as always but for now how about we defy gravity dear journal.

V.J.V

#vi's journal #things she has learned #growing up #Spotify

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joelredden · 2 years

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For the past year and a half living in complete love with someone who has passed away. I now understand why nanny would say the things she did about being alone after losing pawpaw. I wondered for the better part of my life why she would'nt move on because this world is such a dismal place without love. Now, having lost my girlfriend Alyvia, who was and is still my muse of an absolutely beautiful true bestfriend from the moment we met till probably forever. Nomatter where how or when I wake up everyday longing for her, (if i can even manage to sleep) I now understand why nanny had bad sleep for such an old person, lol. After hearing this news, Im grateful i know my grandmas heart very well, after countless sleepovers falling asleep to fresh prince on the airmatresses and waking up to CMT music videos every morning to get me pumped up for a great day at school! I fell in love with music because of Nanny as well as love haha which i can say proudly she created the most hopeless romantic the world has seen. Im so grateful for the countless drives we all had together mostly maymay kayla cody and I really haha. Im so glad i got to cry to her last summer after Alyvia died. I sold my car to just fly in without notice and all I could do was cry no matter what state or city I found myself lost in looking for home because the only place i felt truly ever home was with Lyv. Nothing was helping heal this pain drowning me and in all honesty i came to Florida to tell everyone i loved them and give one last goodbye because this heartbreak is literally killing me. I remember when i was much younger nanny would go out on the porch at night and look at the stars and show me which one was pawpaw, because he was always the first star to come out at night and ever since then i always see pawpaw when i look at the stars. And shed always just say i just miss pawpaw here and there and i didnt get it then but wow. I can barely get a sentence out without it having something to do with Alyvia.

If i know my grandma like i think i do, the day her spirit left the body we know she'd been waiting for that moment in awe since the day pawpaw passed away. Love has now been refurbished and thats such a very beautful thing.

I think i kissed nannys forehead before i ran off that porch last time haha and im so happy i did.

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your friends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were once that happy. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back.

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fa7hum · 1 year

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Reunion of Requited

For the past year and a half living in complete love with someone who has passed away. I now understand why nanny would say the things she did about being alone after losing pawpaw. I wondered for the better part of my life why she would'nt move on because this world is such a dismal place without love. Now, having lost my girlfriend Alyvia, who was and is still my muse of an absolutely beautiful true bestfriend from the moment we met till probably forever. Nomatter where how or when I wake up everyday longing for her, (if i can even manage to sleep) | now understand why nanny had bad sleep for such an old person, lol. After hearing this news, Im grateful i know my grandmas heart very well, after countless sleepovers falling asleep to fresh prince on the airmatresses and waking up to CMT music videos every morning to get me pumped up for a great day at school! I fell in love with music because of Nanny as well as love haha which i can say proudly she created the most hopeless romantic the world has seen. Im so grateful for the countless drives we all had together mostly maymay kayla cody and I really haha. Im so glad i got to cry to her last summer after Allyvia died. I sold my car to just fly in without notice and all I could do was cry no matter what state or city I found myself lost in looking for home because the only place i felt truly ever home was with Lyv. Nothing was helping heal this pain drowning me and in all honesty i came to Florida to tell everyone i loved them and give one last goodbye because this heartbreak is literally killing me. I remember when i was much younger nanny would go out on the porch at night and look at the stars and show me which one was pawpaw, because he was always the first star to come out at night and ever since then i always see pawpaw when i look at the stars. And shed always just say i just miss pawpaw here and there and i didnt get it then but wow. I can barely get a sentence out without it having something to do with Alyvia.

I think i kissed nannys forehead before i ran off that porch last time haha and im so happy i did.

"love is blind. Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded.

The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space!

And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were once that happy. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back.

, ,jtr

xoxo

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pipperoni32-blog · 1 year

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The Winners (Beartown #3)

By Fredrik Backman / 5 stars

This one has definitely been a long time coming for me. I love Fredrik Backman in general, though I have a special love for his Beartown books. Not that that’s always a popular opinion - they are by far his saddest and most serious books. They contain a lot of the same core values that his other books have, but the things that happen in Beartown force you to take a look at what you’re morally willing to accept, and how very much it can take to do the right thing.

I half read, half listened to this book. I’ve loved Marin Ireland since I first listened to her doing Beartown, and I’m happy to see that she’s continued with this series as well as Anxious People. Her interpretations of the characters, the accents, and the pacing of her reading does so much to draw you into the world of the story.

In Fredrik’s (is it odd that I refer to him by first name? His books are such favorites of mind that he feels like a close friend by now) usual way, he doesn’t hold back. He tells us from the very first chapter that one of our (at least one of mine) favorite characters is going to die. That he won’t get a chance to get a long life, but die violently. That should ease the tension, right? Thanks for the heads up, now we can prepare ourselves for that. There’s no preparing yourself for what’s going to happen. No hardening your heart so that it doesn’t still tear you apart when the moment comes.

It’s been 2 and a half years since the first book, two years since both Maya and Benji left Beartown. Now, they both find themselves on their way back to attend a funeral. Things in Beartown may be the same in some ways, but there have also been big changes. Now, Beartown is the one with the winning hockey club and the council’s money. They’re thriving, and talks of upcoming expansions are one of the worst kept secrets.

A storm hits, the night before the death that brings everyone back. One of the worst the forest has seen in awhile. The storm’s impact and the wreckage left behind will only be one step in the trouble brewing for the town.

A journalist seeks to reveal the corruption in the accounts for Beartown’s hockey club, and the blame seems to always lead back to one man. Tension between Hed and Beartown rises when Hed’s rink is destroyed by the storm, forcing their teams to have to practice at Beartown’s rink. Resentment builds in a young heart. Can the community come together to save the things it’s always known? Or will the ruin be too great this time?

As much as I want to shout to the hills about this book, I find myself approaching it cautiously. Fredrik has never been afraid to approach tough subjects, not just events that happens, but the aftermaths of them as well. How do we view these? Have they become normal? Can we really accept that - should we? What could we have done to change the outcome? How could we have been better?

And the foreshadowing. You’d think as the final event draws near, the one everything has been building toward, it would be easier. We had time to prepare ourselves for this. It’s not going to be a surprise. We’ll have the benefit of seeing it coming. But each reminder, each mention that this is the last time, the last chance we get to see our people truly happy, breaks you that little bit more. When it happens, you fall just as hard.

Because of this, while I loved the book - even as I sobbed, my heart twisting until my lungs wouldn’t work properly anymore - there are a few friends that I want to keep from reading it. I saw how hard Beartown hit them. How they couldn’t make it through Us Against You, couldn’t protect themselves from the hatred the victims faced, the mistakes the community made. The Winners is not easier - it’s the hardest of them all to handle. This book will destroy you. Not that everything is doom and gloom - the good times, when we can laugh and heal. When friendships shine with such strength, and love seems stronger than anything. These are just as powerful, the heart of a story that already has a heart too big.

This one will sit with me for awhile. And though I only finished it a few days ago, already I have plans to start Beartown over again the first of next year. It seems fitting to start the year off with a momentous book, one that resonates just as hard with each re-reading.

#fredrik backman #beartown #the winners #booktalk #recently read #audiobook #marin ireland

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theboyjtr · 2 years

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I think i kissed nannys forehead before i ran off that porch last time haha and im so happy i did.

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liron-ao3 · 3 years

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Kiss to that

Destiel oneshot

"How long have you two been married?" Marcus asks as Dean and Castiel sit on the sofa in his living room where they want to find out if the man and his husband Louis are haunted by a ghost.

Dean moves to the side instinctively, not even sure why he and Castiel ended up sitting shoulder to shoulder in the first place, with the sofa big enough for them not to.

Castiel furrows his brow. "We're not married."

"Oh, sorry," Louis says. "You don't need a ring to prove your love, right?" He looks at them so kindly that Dean schools his features into a smile.

"Yeah. I mean, I'm happy for you guys."

Marcus nods and presses a kiss on his husband's cheek. Dean can see Castiel tilt his head and tighten his eyes as he watches the two men opposite them exchange easy affection. The corners of his lips curl up into a smile. Dean's eyes linger on it for a long moment.

"I think we have everything we need," Dean says, pulling his gaze away, and gets up. "Thank you for your time."

***

"It must be a homophobic ghost. Their queerness is the only thing the victims have in common," Sam reasons. "It's our best shot."

"I won't kiss my brother," Dean says firmly.

Sam rolls his eyes. "Me neither. Cass, would you mind making out with a man in public?"

Castiel looks up from the paper he's reading. "As a bait for the ghost?" Sam nods. "Sure. I've never kissed someone taller than I, though."

Dean rolls his eyes and pushes the memory of Castiel's tongue cleaning Meg's tonsils away.

"Just kissing, or do you think we need to do more to attract the ghost? The couples were all heavily 'making out' when they were attacked."

Sam snorts at Castiel's air quotes. "Nah, I think kissing will be enough, as long as it looks intimate."

Castiel hums in agreement.

***

The park looks suspiciously calm when Dean stops the Impala on the adjoining street that night.

"Are you ready for it, or do you need to practice first, buddy?" Dean asks, his nervousness hidden behind the thick mask of a grin that is so fake that it hurts. Kissing a crush is never a good idea. Dean learnt that lesson at 13, when he kissed Jenny McFarlane after spinning the bottle.

"We're going to be fine," Castiel states evenly.

Sam pats him on his shoulder before he slides out of the backseat and opens the door for him like a perfect gentleman.

When Dean steadied himself with several deliberate breaths, he walks around the car, ready to do what he hasn’t allowed himself for years now. His breath hitches as he passes Baby's hood. Sam and Castiel are standing there, their fingers already intertwined. Dean stares at their joint hands for an embarrassingly long moment before he clears his throat.

"I thought we—"

Castiel raises his eyebrow. "You're coming with us? I thought the third waited in the car as back-up?"

"Um," Dean replies eloquently and runs a hand over his face. "Mints, anyone?" Sam gives him a strange look. Dean shrugs. "Just wanted it to be good for you if you have to suck face and play gay."

"I'm not playing gay," Sam says.

"Me neither," Castiel adds, and Dean nearly topples over from the impact of both their impromptu coming outs.

"O—okay. I'm happy that sucking face won't suck that much, in that case," Dean replies, wincing at his own stupid words, his stomach tying itself into knots. Sam and Castiel will only fake a relationship. No biggie, right?

Sam chuckles and grins at Castiel. "We both know that we're not attracted to each other," he says easily as if this was a topic he had discussed with Castiel in abundance.

Wait! Have they?

Castiel nods in agreement. "Sam isn't really my type," he says, eyes turning glassy for a moment.

Dean swallows down the urge to ask him what exactly his type is. But his eyes fall on his watch. Dammit! Only two minutes until the usual attack time. The ghost is strangely scheduled. He ushers the 'couple' to the next best park bench and scans the surroundings, mainly for not needing to look at them as they start their smooching. But nothing happens for ten long minutes

When Dean is ready to call the whole thing off, Sam's phone starts ringing. Dean gives him an annoyed look. "Really?" he mouths when Sam looks guiltily at him. Oldest mistake since the invention of mobile phones. Sam raises his hand and motions to Dean to take his place.

Dean hesitates for a long moment, but then his eyes fall on Castiel's lips, glistening wetly in the moonlight. Dean sighs and walks to the bench, sitting down a little stiffly. He grabs Castiel's hand.

"Are you alright with this?" the angel whispers.

"Sure. I may not be gay, but lips are lips, right?"

Castiel nods quietly. "We should start then. Sam surely will get a good look at her so that we can find out which of our suspects it is. They are nothing alike."

Dean nods and wets his lips. "Okay. Let's do this." He cradles Castiel's face in his hand. It's weird with the stubble scratching against it. Weird, but not unpleasant. He runs his thumb over Castiel's lips, erasing any trace of his brother. Then, he leans in and brushes Castiel's lips with his own. It's not half bad, but Castiel isn't really reciprocating the kiss. Didn't have a problem when it was Sammy, Dean thinks, feeling sore.

"Go with it, man. It must be believable. Otherwise, the ghost will ignore us," Dean says, and Castiel complies.

Dean wouldn't have thought Castiel to be such a good kisser. This isn't a pizza man kiss. This one is passionate yet gentle. Castiel's hand ends up in Dean's short hair, and the hunter grabs the lapel of the angel's trench coat. It feels really, really nice, Dean has to admit. Better than he had imagined over the last years.

No, Dean hasn't lied. He isn't gay. Technically, his little brother and the multidimensional wavelength brushing his tongue through Dean's mouth with celestial intent aren't either. But hey, 'umbrella term' and all that stuff Charlie has taught him.

What a bad idea it was to kiss his best friend slash secret crush only registers when Dean hears Sam curse and a crowbar flies over their heads, right through the ghost that was about to attack them.

"Could've killed us with that thing!" Dean shouts.

"Thank me later." Sam grins. "Come on, it was the blonde. Let's get her salt'n'burnt."

Dean gets up from the bench, Castiel's hand still in his own. The angel doesn't move, a rapturous look adorning his face. "Come on, Cass. Before she returns."

Castiel blinks himself out of his daze.

***

They watch the bones go up in flames together. Castiel touches Dean's cheek and heals the cut that the ghost left there in a last attempt to keep him from bringing her haunting to an end.

"One less homophobic soul in this world," Sam says.

"I'll drink to that," Dean replies.

Sam smirks at him. "Better kiss to that. I'll get my own room," he says.

Dean blushes crimson, the red even visible in the firelight. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Sam shakes his head. "Only that there is a reason why it worked on you and not on Cass and me."

Castiel pierces him with his gaze, but stays silent.

Sam huffs a laugh. "You two are idiots! Can't you see that the ghost only attacked people who were truly in love?" He shakes his head and wanders off in the direction of their motel, not far away from the cemetery.

Dean looks at Castiel with shock-widened eyes. "I'm not—"

Castiel grins at him. "That's a shame. Because I am."

"Son of a bitch!" Dean presses out, and just like that, they are kissing again, in the middle of nowhere in front of an open grave. Who says romance is dead?

#destiel #deancas #fanfiction #destiel fic #destiel fanfic #destiel fanfiction #deancas fic #deancas fanfic #deancas fanfiction #destiel fandom #deancas fandom

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spencers-renaissance · 3 years

Text

Fic Rec Bingo!!

So instead of Fic Rec Thursday, I thought I'd do something a little different this week and recommend 25 fics based on this bingo card (although it turned into 26, oops). I kept most of these as CM because that's my blog's focus, but due to the nature of the prompts, there are 5 Marvel (Irondad) ones & 1 Sherlock towards the end!

from @lightveils on twitter, but found posted on tumblr by @cywscross <3

1. A fic with a premise that shouldn't work but does

I never would've thought I'd enjoy a fic with Spencer as a little rebellious shit because it seems so ooc, but I loved this one!

las vegas kid by trashcanbarbie - 1.9k, 1ch, Gen/Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid, Gambling, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Young Spencer Reid, Teenage Rebellion, Protective Aaron hotchner, Pre-Canon, Father-Son Relationship, Teenage Spencer Reid

JJ raises her eyebrows, “so, you're trying to say counting cards isn't cheating?” “No,” he grins, boyish and charming, “it is.”

2. A fic you've reread several times

Discipline Changes by fullofcrazyness - 1.2k, 1ch, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, Past Child Abuse, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Comforting Hotch

Jack stopped and looked at his dad, finally seeing that his dad wasn’t actually angry. Concerned and relieved, but not angry. He was about to say something when he saw someone in the doorway, white as a sheet. “Papa?”

3. A comfort fic

i'm always tired, but never of you by @iamrenstark - 2.2k, 1ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Hurt Spencer Reid, Angst with a Happy Ending, Sad Derek, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Derek Morgan Needs a Hug, Men Crying, Gunshot Wounds, Blood and Injury

When Spencer figured it out, he was stepping out of the elevator on the bottom floor of Quantico, and he went to tell Derek he loved him like he did every day, but he froze up, because he was afraid he wouldn't hear it back. (Or, Spencer thinks his boyfriend is falling out of love with him.)

4. A cathartic fic

Every Little Transgression by @58thacademic - 1.6k, 1ch, Gen, Angst with a Happy Ending, Sad Spencer Reid, Protective David Ross, Protective Derek Morgan, Mentioned Suicide Attempt, Spencer's Backstory, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-Con, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Episode: s03e16 Elephant's Memory

Ok so. Elephants memory was really good because we got Reid backstory. But I'm still annoyed that he didn't defend himself against Hotch. So this was born.

5. A fic you'd print and put on your bookshelf

One Call Away by GhostInTheBAU - 204k, 32ch, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Dubious Consent, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Domestic Violence, Rape Recovery, Referenced Past Drug Use, PTSD, Hurt Spencer Reid, Protective Aaron Hotchner, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Flashbacks, Healing, Nightmares, Suicidal Thoughts, Hurt/Comfort, Whump, Eventual Smut

When Reid's boyfriend attacks him, leaving him broken and bleeding, he calls the first person he thinks of for help. He calls the only person he really wants to see. He calls Hotch.

6. A fic you associate with a song

I associate this fic with The First Thing You See by Bruno Major. I think if you listen to the song, you'll easily see why <3

You Make Waking Up Worth It by @guccifloralsuits - 2.1k, 1ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Fluff, Minor Angst, Established Relationship, Morning Routines, Hurt/Comfort, Good Things Happen Bingo

“Morning sweetheart,” Derek says, pausing briefly to ruffle his hand gently through Spencer’s hair. The genius nuzzles into the touch but doesn’t reply. It’s too early for conversation, Morgan knows. Pretty boy may get up earlier than he does, but it takes the younger a lot longer to really wake up.

7. A fic that inspires you

This fic could have been in so many categories because I adore it, but I wouldn't have started writing Rain is a Chance to be Touched without this fic so it definitely belongs here.

Forgive Me For All I Could Not Become by @degrassi-fanatic - 105k, 20ch, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Canon Divergence, Getting Together, Angst, Case Fic, Confessions, Complicated Relationships, Near Death Experiences, Friends With Benefits, Smut, Miscommunication

In which Reid has always been good at hiding things. He hid his father's departure and his mother's illness from social services. He hid his addiction from his team. He hid his sexuality from the world. He hid his inappropriate feelings from his boss. That is until he's bleeding out in Hotch's arms, in an abandoned church, in Oklahoma. From there on out, Hotch and Reid learn to make a complete mess out of each other.

8. A fic that brought you on board a new ship

Even though it's unrequited, this was the first fic that really had me going !!! at Penemily <3

Another Wide-Eyed Girl by mallfacee - 2k, 1ch, Gen/Derek Morgan & Penelope Garcia, Penelope Garcia/Emily Prentiss (Unrequited), Coming Out, Internalised Homophobia, Derek Morgan is a Good Friend, Friendship, Gunshot Wounds, Episode: s03e08 Lucky

Derek Morgan is handsome and calls her “baby girl” and smiles at her like she’s the only girl in the room. Penelope Garcia knows she should be swooning and all she can think is that there must be something wrong with her not to react to a man like that giving her all this attention. Two years later she meets Emily Prentiss and understands.

9. A fic you wish could be a movie

Listen, I adore the soulmate trope, and an angsty moreid soulmate movie? Fucking sign me up right now

i need you now but i don't know you yet by @iamrenstark - 3.1k, 1ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Hurt Spencer Reid, Hurt Derek Morgan, Mutual Pining, Soulmates, Hurt/Comfort, Buford Mention, Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Together, Season 5

It goes like this; Spencer hasn't spoken to his soulmate since he was ten, didn't know their gender or their name or a single thing about them. Spencer's soulmate doesn't want him, and that's okay.

10. A fic that led to you making friends with the author

I'm doing two because fuck you that's why

This was one of the first fics I read of Adam's and I immediately fell in love with his writing! And I'm pretty sure that we ended up becoming friends after I rec'd it!!

Plum Sauce by @goldencatchflies - 1.5k, 1ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Canon Divergence, Fluff, Jealousy, Platonic Morcia, Episode: s07e13 Snake Eyes

Garcia tells Spencer about what she thinks happened between her and Derek. He doesn’t seem too happy about it...

I read this from Syd and absolutely loved it, and like with Adam, we became friends from there! (I mean technically husband and wife, but, y'know. Semantics.)

You Belong With Me by @spencerspecifics - 11.4k, 1ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Song Fic, Getting Together, Angst with a Happy Ending, Pining, Fluff

A fluffy Moreid fic based on You Belong With Me by: Taylor Swift

11. A fic you associate with a place

This reminds me of a chilled Sunday afternoon on my old sofa in my living room, with the fire on in the background. I read it all in one sitting and loved every word <3

Metanoia by @makaylajadewrites - 39k, 16ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Canon Typical Violence, Implied Rape/Non-Con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Established Relationship, Near Death Experiences, Frostbite, Rape Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Autistic Spencer Reid, Drug Use, Eventual Smut, Eventual Happy Ending

Oh, Derek… He couldn’t stand the thought of him bursting in with SWAT in tow, gun at the ready, only to descend those creaky stairs and find his naked, bleeding body, vacated of life, crumbled on a red-stained mattress. The realization that he was going to die at the end of this was catching up to him, but maybe it would be better that way.

In which an unfortunate resemblance to an unsub's victims puts Reid right on his radar.

12. A fic that made you gasp out loud

Gasp out loud might be a *bit* of an overreaction, but this one took me on a rollercoaster and I loved every second of it (all of bau-gremlin's fics will do that to you tbh)

The End by @bau-gremlin - 3.1k, 2ch, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Graphic Violence, Stabbing, Blood and Injury, Temporary Character Death, Hurt Spencer Reid, Whump, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt Aaron Hotchner, Sleepy Cuddles, Protective Spencer Reid

The famous interview with Chester Hardwick ... except Hotch and Reid get separated and Reid is left alone with Hardwick and a prison-made shiv.

13. A fic you found at the right time

You're Going to be Okay by fullofcrazyness - 2.6k, 1ch, Gen/Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid, Dark, Suicidal Thoughts, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Sad Spencer Reid, Hurt Spencer Reid, Depression, Protective Aaron Hotchner, Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending

Spencer was no stranger to depression. His father leaving him, his mother’s episodes, being twelve years old in a Las Vegas high school. All of those things made him very familiar with the illness. “I… I think I need some help.”

14. A fic that you would read a fic of

Chain Reaction by EloquentDossier - 42k, 16ch, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Alternate Universe, Texting, Dialogue-Only, Text Fic, Self-Esteem Issues, Fluff, Angst, Implied/Referenced Past Drug Use, Canon Divergence, Pining, Oblivious Aaron Hotchner, Happy Ending

A dialogue-only AU in which Hotch texts what he thinks is Rossi's new number but is actually the slightly eccentric stranger whom Hotch knows only as "Spencer." What follows is something neither man could have ever quite expected.

15. A fic that made you laugh out loud

The Bet by @degrassi-fanatic - 1.6k, 2ch, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Bets & Wagers, Humour, Fluff, Canon Divergence

“Fifty bucks says Hotch writes you up and sends you to sexual harassment sensitivity training.” she declares as she stares him down. Without looking away from her, Reid takes out his own wallet and flips it open to pull out a fifty dollar before placing it down right next to Prentiss’s own money. “Fifty bucks says Hotch will go out with me.”

16. A fic that gave you butterflies

The healing and dynamics in this one is just.... off the charts :')

Who Spencer Reid Loves by @blueberriesandbubbles - 36k, 11ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Rape/Non-Con Elements, Abusive Relationships, Domestic Violence, Abuse, Hurt Spencer Reid, Mutual Pining, Rape Recovery, Healing, Fluff

Derek Morgan has been in love with the resident genius as long as he's known him. When Spencer enters a relationship with a mystery man, Derek is unhappy. He is even more unhappy when he meets this man. Spencer starts acting different and Derek knows something is wrong and he has a feeling its connected to the man Reid is dating.

17. A fic that embodies something you value in life

The utter and total love and devotion in this fic just punches me right in the gut every time I reread it

A Little Fall of Rain by jack_hunter - 4.3k, 2ch, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Angst, Spencer Reid Whump, Autistic Spencer Reid, Major Character Injury, Secret Relationship, Team as Family, Dad Rossi

Morgan crept up behind the doctor and snatched the headphones off of his head, earning a yelp of a protest as he slipped them over his own ears. “Les Mis?” Morgan asked with a quizzical look, “didn’t peg you as the musical type, Pretty Boy.” Spencer snatched the headphones back. “I’ve always loved the theatre and I went to see Les Misérables with-... a friend last Friday.”

18. A favourite AU

The Curious Case of Dr. Reid by severaance - 37k, 10ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Transgender Character, Fluff, Trans Spencer Reid, Light Angst, Getting Together, Developing Relationship, Smut, Insecurity, Happy Ending (Warning for Homophobic & Transphobic Slurs)

"And your names for the order, please?" The barista asked, eyes flickering expectantly between the two before her. "Spencer," she answered, although she was not talking to the barista. "I'm Spencer." The man before her had the same idea. "Derek."

19. A fic you stayed up too late to finish reading

I stayed up one night and read pretty much all the marvel fics this author has written, but this was the last one that I simply could not resist. The next day wasn't pretty :/

The more you say, the less I know by forthenightisdarkandfullofterror - 13.9k, 3ch, Gen/Irondad, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Temporary Amnesia, Protective Pepper Potts, Not Endgame Compliant, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Blood and Violence, Hurt Peter Parker, Whump

Tony wakes up from snapping with amnesia and for the life of him can't remember the kid hanging around, claiming to be 'just an intern'. Feelings get hurt.

20. A fic that made you feel seen

heavy in my bones by hopeless_hope - 4.4k, 1ch, Gen/Irondad, Chronic Pain, Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Peter Parker, Whump, Father-Son Relationship, Dad Tony, Worried Tony Stark, Angst, Chronic Illness, 5+1 Things

Five times Peter lied to someone about his chronic pain, and one time he told the truth and got the help he needed.

21. A fic you love without knowing the source material

(I mean this is literally all marvel fics but I'll rec this one because I loved it so much)

the locker room by searchingforstars - 15.5k, 3ch, Gen/Irondad, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Hurt Peter Parker, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Arguing, Miscommunication, Crying, Whump, Angst with a Happy Ending, Rape Recovery

Peter's falling apart and he doesn't know how things will ever go back to normal again after Ryder.

22. A fic you've gushed about IRL

Genuinely, this fic is better than most published fiction I've read...

The Third Option by Uncertainty_Principle - 220k, 37ch, Gen/Irondad, Hurt/Comfort, Sexual Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Physical Abuse, Alternate Universe, Hurt Peter Parker, Foster Care, Identity Reveal, Slow Build, Disordered Eating, Homelessness

Ben and May divorced before Peter’s parents died, so when Ben is murdered Peter goes into foster care. It takes just a tiny taste of superpowers for Peter to decide he doesn’t want to put up with his horrible foster father anymore—the streets are infinitely more appealing. All he wants is to be Spider-Man anyway.

So he leaves. Simple.

Simple, that is, until Iron Man needs Spider-Man’s help. Peter isn’t about to turn down an opportunity to fight alongside Tony Freaking Stark, but he also isn’t going to let his hero know that his recruit is a fifteen-year-old homeless dropout. So they strike a deal. Peter will help Tony. In return, the mask stays on. And that’s when things get complicated.

23. A fic you still remember many years later

The Transport Series by ancientreader - 135k, 2 works, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson, Backstory, Canon Drug Use, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Physical Disability, AU, Important Character Death, First Time, Developing Relationship, Angst with a Happy Ending, BDSM, Humour, Fluff

How to become a consulting detective. // Jim's lessons are hard to unlearn.

24. A fic with a line or two that you've memorised by heart

"He has held up buildings and nuclear bombs and whole entire countries on his back. Peter’s body is the heaviest thing he’s ever held."

when my body won't hold me anymore (where will I go) by @madasthesea - 4.4k, 2ch, Gen/Irondad, Temporary Character Death, Angst, Grief/Mourning, Father-Son Relationship, Hurt Peter Parker, Crying, Forehead Kisses, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Medical Inaccuracies, Hugs, Platonic Cuddling

But he knows. He knows. He can feel it. Peter’s dead. Peter Parker watches as Tony carefully arranges his limbs on a cot. “Mr. Stark,” he tries for the dozenth time. No one hears him.

25. Free Space

And to round it off, we have to celebrate the fic that really and truly welcomed me into the CM fanfic world...

Chanel by @4x24 - 24k, 7ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Getting Together, Spencer Wears Makeup, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Typical VIolence, Humour, Fluffy Ending, Pining, Smut Heavy

Penelope mentions offhandedly one night that she thinks Spencer might look good in makeup. Spencer takes the suggestion to heart. Derek likes the new look - and Spencer - more than he probably should. (Season 4)

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hellacioushag · 3 years

Text

tw: abuse/sexual assault

the hypocrisy of people using faux outrage about others drawing parallels between tamlin and azriel’s stories when they didn’t bat an eye about someone drawing similarities between a rapist and a sexual assault survivor to justify their shipping needs is astounding. if you read the post no one was saying tamlin and azriel are the same. i’m gonna detail my own thoughts on why these two mirror each others narrative, but with key differences.

abusive childhoods:

i feel like people forget that both tamlin and azriel were victims of an abusive household. the key difference is azriel’s history has made him want to defend those who cannot defend themselves/punish those who are the perpetrators of violence while tamlin gave into his anger and violence at the world. it’s a classic tale of being an abuse victim. you either grow up to separate yourself from your past and do better than your parents or you become just like them.

tamlin’s brothers would have murdered him as a babe in his bassinet if they suspected he had potential or desire for the high lord position. we also know tamlin’s father held slaves and was aligned with others who shared his view of the world in the war. pair these bits together and we can assume tamlin’s father was a more aggressive and violent father than even beron is. tamlin grew up in a home where he did not feel safe. and when his father tasked tamlin with finding out his enemy’s secrets tamlin obliged.

he was present and possibly participated in the butcher and murder of rhys’ family. this was a significant moment for tamlin’s turn into becoming an abuser like his father. he could have lied, he could have denied knowing the information about rhys’ mother and sister, but instead he gave that information over to his father knowing he was signing a death warrant. some could argue that he may have done this because of his own father’s abusive tendencies toward him, but this was the moment imo that tamlin went from a victim to a predator.

as for azriel we all know the abuse he suffered by his family. how his brothers tortured him and tried to have him killed. how he was denied any affection or love growing up and was taught that his existence was a stain on his family’s reputation. azriel could have easily turned into an abuser himself the way tamlin did, but being dumped into the illyrian camps and finding cassian and rhys saved him from that fate. his brotherhood with them was the turning point for azriel to no longer be a victim, but a survivor.

anger issues:

you can’t deny that both tamlin and azriel suffer with anger and control issues. it’s clear in the text they both have a barely contained, deep-seated anger that could be deathly when let loose. the key difference is tamlin has no one to reign him in, no one of his equal to calm that rage. azriel has this support system and has been shown to have utilized it when needed. i’m not going to go into a full analysis on all the examples, but I will point out the main ones I think we all know.

tamlin’s explosive anger was shown when he blew apart the library when feyre and he disagreed about her safety measures in acomaf. he could have easily hurt her had she not had magic to protect her (as seen when this same moment was repeated in acowar). tamlin let his rage and helplessness consume his every thought about protecting the person he loved and instead became the very threat he sought to protect her from. he let his paranoia about her being in danger prevent him from listening to her needs and locked her in a cage. this in itself was abusive, there’s no arguing this point. the part to note is that he as a high lord had no one of equal measure to talk him down, to help him see reason. when lucien tried to step in he was dismissed and abused himself. when feyre tried to speak up on her own behalf tamlin refused to listen and as high lord his word/wants/needs were law in his lands. he had no one who could provide a healthy perspective and so left unchecked he continued his abusive behavior.

azriel’s cold, lethal anger was shown when he exploded at the meeting with the high lords in acowar and attacked eris for a slight against mor. he was inches from letting the rage take hold of him and ending eris’s life. feyre, his high lady and friend, was able to calm him down and make him see reason. azriel is a trained spy and torture master, he’s supposed to be able to keep a cool head in high stressed situations, to act unemotionally to get his job done. however reliving the trauma of seeing a broken mor and imagining eris leaving her there consumed him with rage he could no longer contain. i’m not here to justify his actions. mor’s own trauma of seeing azriel fly off the deep end is enough for me to condemn his behavior. i am however pointing out that i think his reaction was not just about mor, but about reliving his own helplessness and loss of control and letting it consume him into a lethal rage.

the key difference with tamlin and azriel’s moments of all consuming rage is that azriel had someone to talk him down and let him see reason. tamlin refused the help of his own support system (lucien/feyre) and instead gave into his abusive and volatile tendencies. azriel could have easily done that same, but because of his brotherhood and friendships he has people to pull him back from the edge.

desire for love and acceptance:

both tamlin and azriel (and all characters in this series tbh) have a strong desire to love and be loved in return. the problem is when that desire for love becomes an obsession and entitlement. it becomes harmful when you think you’re owed something.

tamlin let his desire for feyre become obsessive. he had his soldiers hunt her down to drag her back to his home. he refused to accept that she was happy and healing away from him because he was in despair without her. he couldn’t fathom that she could be finding peace when he was being torn apart. he allied himself with monsters because he convinced himself that his love for feyre was the stuff of legend and that he was acting in a heroic manner. and even when he found out that she had a mate, something that is considered a sacred bond above all things to their people, he refused to accept that the cauldron/the mother/fate could be so cruel to deny him his happily ever after. feyre was his and he would reclaim her no matter what. he would defy the mother herself for his love. the problem with this is that he did not take into account feyre’s needs. when you love someone you put their needs above your own. he didn’t care that feyre was mated, that she loved rhys, because his obsession for her and belief that she belonged to him outweighed all reason. his love for her turned toxic if you can even call it love to begin with.

azriel is a bit different, but the parallels are there. he’s not at the obsessive point yet (masturbating to pain killers notwithstanding) and he may never get there. one could argue he spent 500+ years being obsessed with mor, but his support system held him in check. that when he saw mor flirting and sleeping with others he leaned on his brothers, on cassian, to distract him and help him through the pain of knowing the person he loved didn’t love him back. and regarding elain i think whatever is between them is entirely too new to relate it to his feelings for mor, but it’s also looking to be just as unhealthy. he didn’t bat an eye about fighting lucien in a blood duel and seemed to welcome the challenge. he knows that if lucien were to die that pain could destroy elain. even if she doesn’t love lucien, has not accepted the mating bond, she and he are soulbound. if he were to die it could shatter her, but he didn’t seem to think of that consequence at all.

when he questioned the wisdom of making them mates in the first place, when he claimed “what if the cauldron was wrong?” and then rationalized his thoughts by saying 3 sisters for 3 brothers.... this is a callback to tamlin refusing to believe the cauldron would deny him love by mating feyre to rhys. questioning why he doesn’t have a mate of his own isn’t inherently bad, but implying that because his brothers found mates with 2 of 3 sisters so lucien doesn’t deserve the 3rd is. when he doesn’t talk to his brother about why he desires elain and instead talks about why fate has robbed him of a sister it stands to reason why rhys would take exception to this way of thinking. it’s bordering on toxic and i’m glad rhys was there to pull rank on azriel.

are tamlin and azriel the same?

no, didn’t you listen to anything said? they are not the same and the key difference as to why is because azriel has a support system of brothers and friends that he can rely on to keep him in check. tamlin has pushed away any form of support and has embraced his beastly abusive behavior. saying that their story parallels is not saying azriel is an abuser like tamlin. it’s pointing out why tamlin’s story is a cautionary tale for azriel’s future journey. it’s outlining that while they may share similar aspects of an abusive past, anger issues, and longing for love and affection they are not the same people at their core because of the way they deal with their trauma.

#acotar #acotar metas #acosf #azriel #tamlin #they are not the same #but they do parallel to each other #can't wait to see people say i'm a tamlin apologist #or i'm equating az and tamlin #cause people in this fandom seem to not understand how to comprehensively read

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hotchley · 3 years

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neptune’s ocean (wash this blood)

Okay so, I ended up on the part of TikTok that has A Thing for Hotch’s hands, and I decided to make it angsty. And then it had a happy Mortch ending? I don’t know...

The title is a reference to Macbeth: “Will all great Neptune’s wash this blood from my hands? No, this my hand will rather the multitudinous seas incarnadine, making the green one red.” It’ll make sense when you read.

This was cathartic to write, especially given the conversation I had today. I hope it is somewhat cathartic to read. You can heal. You can move on, you can be happy, and your biggest fears may never come true, no matter what your brain says. As usual, no proofreading, or dialogue.

Word Count: 2486

Trigger Warnings: child abuse, blood, vomit, guns, death, grief/mourning, intrusive thoughts, survivors guilt

read on ao3!

He can’t bring himself to look at his hands. They’d never been something he’d actually focused on. He’d never thought they were cute the way Jack’s were, or hated how slender his fingers were, so unlike the stereotypical hero. He didn’t pause his life to watch them carry out household tasks the way Haley always had.

Haley. Haley who is dead, and gone and cold, and whose blood coats his hands like a second skin. She loved his hands. She always told him how she loved everything about him, but his hands were her favourite thing. She loved how soft they were. How strong they were. Everything about them.

In their first apartment, with the random photos and multi-coloured walls and traces of themselves and love everywhere, she had confessed this love to him. He had laughed when she couldn’t explain what she loved, or why. Haley had thrown a pillow at him in retaliation. But when they ended up laying on the sofa, both claiming they would go and clear the kitchen in a moment, she had linked their hands over her chest and kissed his knuckles.

And confessed that part of the reason she loved them was that they were so much bigger than hers. When Aaron asked her why, Haley turned away and said it was embarrassing. He convinced her to tell him. How, he wasn’t sure. But she told him.

It was because they made her feel safe.

But as he sits in the living room that had once been full of love and life and joy and her, his hands being wiped of all of his sins as though they were as easy to bury as her body, he thought about how those same hands she loved had only hurt her.

He looks down, needing to see the traces of blood before they’re removed forever. As he does so, the limbs start to blur before his eyes. His eyes swim with tears and his throat starts to close. How many times before today has he washed them? Scrubbed at the pain until the skin turned red and raw?

How many times had he succeeded at rubbing it away? At hiding it, not just from everyone else, but from himself? And how many more times would he have to repeat the motion before his hands were clean? Would they ever be clean?

He wipes the tears from his eyes. He doesn’t deserve to cry. Not now. Not after everything he has ruined.

Moments flash through his mind all at once.

Aaron Hotchner is eight.

His father is drunk- but that��s not an excuse, not now and not ever, although he will only learn that at thirteen in a boarding school meant to destroy him- and he does not understand what is going on.

But his father has taken the belt from his trousers and brought it down on too small for his age hands until he sees blood. His hands tremble uncontrollably. Tears stream down his face, but there is no sympathy or kindness waiting for him. Not this time.

The next day, he can hardly hold his pen. Nobody seems to notice or care. So he grits his teeth and bears the pain. It is the first time he finds himself doing such a thing, but it will by no means be the last.

Aaron Hotchner is fourteen.

Someone insults his mother. And they aren’t wrong. He will realise this in a few years: that his mother was just another victim, but in that moment, he is just a teenager angry at the world for letting him live. But whilst he knows it to be true, Sean does not. Sean does not understand that their mother is not perfect, and is just as broken as his brother’s spirit.

Sean is scared. No, he’s terrified that their mother is going to be taken from them and that they’ll never see her again. Aaron feels guilty for wishing that would happen- that both their parents would be taken away, and they would be carried off by someone that can love them the way a parent is meant to be.

Sean is scared, and Aaron is meant to ensure that never happens. He punches the boy.

It hurts his hand more than it hurts the other boy’s face, but he still ends up being suspended. His father hurts his hands again. It’s in that moment that he finally makes a wish: that he would never be like his father, even if he was his mirror.

Aaron is seventeen.

Somehow, he finds himself at Haley’s home. Her parents are away for the weekend. His are still in that wretched house, playing roles in front of their guests and destroying the set behind closed doors.

His hands are covered in blood because his father hit too hard.

Jessica, who is back from college, and the reason their parents are not at home, answers the door. She starts to close it when she sees that it is him. But then she sees how scared he looks, and finally understands why Haley is so protective over this boy.

She lets him in, and does not let him apologise. She summons her sister. His girlfriend.

Haley hugs him. She has suspected this for a while now- everyone has- but she’s going to be different in the way that she is going to act. His fists remain clenched at his side as she makes this decision. Because this is a mistake. He cannot ruin her as well. He needs to walk away.

But Haley and Jessica don’t let him. Haley takes his hands and in the same way Derek will twenty years later, wipes the blood away without blinking or flinching. And then Jessica bandages them up, making sure to use antiseptic to prevent infection. It stings. He doesn’t react. It’s nothing compared to his father.

He tries to ask them how they know what to do, and they both shush him. When Jessica wipes her eyes, and Haley pats her back, he remembers the days they would spend at the church, and the women that would spend hours with them, only returning to their homes when the sun went down.

It is enough to make him vomit. They clean that up without judgment.

And then, and then-

Aaron is twenty-six.

He is graduating from law school, just like he is supposed to. His hand is shaken. He does not flinch away, even though he wants to. He doesn’t recoil because Haley and Jessica are sitting in the audience, the only people he even wanted to watch him walk across the stage.

Their cheers are the only thing he can hear.

When Haley hugs him, and Jessica tells him how proud she is, he knows it isn’t just because he made it.

Aaron is twenty-eight.

He is dancing with Haley at their wedding.

Her hands are so much smaller than his. So much gentler. So much softer. So much more human. And so beautifully void of scars. So perfect.

He makes one final vow that he will never say aloud. He will always keep her safe. No matter what happens.

Hotch is thirty-two.

He shoots someone dead for the first time. The medics come running in to check the injuries on the hostages. To confirm the time and cause of death.

He drops the gun. Dave’s words- don’t let them see you break- echo somewhere in his mind, but he cannot help the display of vulnerability. His knees buckle. He hits the ground with trembling hands. He pulled the trigger that released the bullet that ended someone’s life.

On the train journey home, he pretends to be fine. Jason and Dave pretend to not notice that he is silently falling apart.

The door to his home- the only one he has ever known- closes. As Haley holds him, he cries. And then he tries to push her away because is going to destroy her. It’s in his blood. His father destroyed him, and his father destroyed him, and it is a vicious cycle that he cannot break.

But Haley does not let go.

When the tears stop, she asks. He manages to force the truth out. Haley tells him everything is okay, and that he did the right thing, that he will move on from this. Aaron pretends to believe her, and pretends he doesn’t see her shift away from him ever so slightly.

Perhaps this is the moment their marriage starts to end.

Aaron is thirty-four.

A nurse is placing his son in his arms. Haley is watching them both with a smile. He mirrors that smile. so in awe at her for giving birth.

He’s in awe of his son as well. Jack- named for Jacqueline, the mother Hotch gained from and lost to the job- is tiny. Aaron cannot quite believe he is real. Jack Gideon Hotchner is so small, but so trusting that the arms holding him will keep him safe.

So just as quickly as the awe overwhelmed him, the fear sets in. What is he doing holding a baby so small and precious? He will ruin this child. He needs to let go.

He hands the baby to Haley, and runs to the bathroom. His meagre dinner- fear for Haley had stopped him from eating properly- makes a second appearance.

Haley knows what happened- she always does. She doesn’t force him to explain what went through his head, nor does she tease him about not being able to handle the sight of childbirth like the nurses do, so blissfully unaware of the monsters that haunt his nightmares.

Instead, Haley lays Jack down in the cot beside her bed. And then she takes Aaron’s hands, covering them with her own. She presses a soft kiss to his knuckle. Almost like she is silently promising him the same thing: that he will not hurt this child the way he was.

Suddenly, he is in the present.

Aaron is thirty-nine.

He is sitting in the living room of the home he had built with Haley. The home they were supposed to raise Jack in. Together. But now she is gone. She is gone and it is all his fault.

He let George Foyet escape. And then he took too long to work out his final plan. He took too long to get to the house. So now Haley is gone. Jack will grow up without a mother and a father that cannot trust himself to touch him without causing harm.

How can he?

He has killed a man. A person. A person who had surrendered, with nothing more than his bare hands. He killed the man that had murdered Haley, in order to save Jack, but what kind of person does that make him? How is he supposed to comfort his son by hugging him and holding him when the blood would never be washed from his hands?

How could it?

He is worse than his father.

Derek leaves him after he finishes with the bandages.

He returns a few seconds, minutes, hours- Hotch doesn’t know, time has become nothing to him- later. He returns to Hotch sobbing over all the things he has loved and lost since he was born.

Derek doesn't say a word. He doesn’t need to. He knows nothing he says will make the situation better. Instead, he takes Aaron’s hands and lets the man cry.

Healing- physical and emotional- takes time. Rationally, Aaron knows it will, but it’s still a difficult thing to accept. It takes longer than he wants it to.

It angers him- that it’s taking him so long to get back to normal and move on. The grief counsellor (the one Derek urged him to see, if not for his own sake, then for Jack’s) reminds him that it’s normal. If it were anyone else, Hotch would tell them to let themselves feel, and to give themself time to mourn.

But he is supposed to be the leader of the BAU. And although he can hardly look at Jack without tears forming, he is a father. He needs to be there for his son. So whilst everyone- colleagues, family, Jack’s counsellor, his own therapist- tells him he needs to take care of himself as well, he just can’t.

He can’t bring himself to eat. He can’t bring himself to let go of the guilt. He can’t bring himself to mourn. He can’t bring himself to accept that Haley is gone, nothing more than a casket, a headstone, photos and the memories and stories her loved ones cling to.

There is so much he cannot do. Too much that he feels.

Yet no matter what seems to happen, no matter how sad he feels, how angry he gets at the world, Derek seems to stick around. When Aaron is terrified of hurting someone he loves, Derek is there to remind him he won’t. When he is so tired he can’t even sleep, but Jack wakes from a nightmare, Derek stays awake and reads to him.

When he forgets to eat.

When counselling drains him of his energy.

When his hands shake too much to point the gun at the target during his re-certification training.

When he can’t even look at his hands because of all the harm they have caused.

Derek stays, even when Aaron cannot hug his son.

Aaron Hotchner is forty-three years old.

It has been three years since Haley’s death.

Two years ago, he let go of his guilt. One year and nine months ago, he let go of his fear of moving on, as he realised he could love someone and remember her all at once. Seven months ago, he built up the courage to tell Derek how he truly felt.

Derek had kissed him, soft and gentle and perfect. It had been exactly the same and completely different to the first kiss him and Haley had shared. Because it had been perfect, and it had been unexpected, but it had been less desperate and less messy.

Derek had kissed him, and Aaron had felt peace. He knows Haley is proud of him.

Derek is watching him. The man who had lost everything and then found a way to carry on. The man who put everyone above himself, but is learning to care for himself. The man who still wakes up screaming, but who has learnt to breathe without fear of timing running out.

The man he loves.

Jack is holding an ice-cream in one hand as he and Hotch walk side by side, down to where Morgan is waiting to surprise the boy- not so little anymore- with a trip to the bowling alley for his birthday.

Jack holds his hand out for his dad to take.

And what does Aaron do?

He takes Jack’s hand in his own, without a single ounce of hesitation.

#criminal minds #aaron hotchner #haley hotchner #derek morgan #hotch x haley #mortch #hotchgan #criminal minds fanfic #tw child abuse #tw blood #tw vomit #tw guns #tw death #tw grief #tw survivor's guilt

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flickeringart · 3 years

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Further exploration…

I’ve used this chart before when going through signs, houses and certain planetary aspects. You can find the post here.

I thought I’d move spontaneously with my own train of thought as it applies to this chart in order to explore it a bit more.

At a first glance, this person seems like a hopeful and ambitious person, hungry for expansion but conflicted, held back by insecurities and limitations. The world is an open road, a big playpen, an endless adventure for this person. All Sagittarius Rising people head out in life with a spirit of boldness and expectation, but seeing as the Ascendant and Jupiter (the chart ruler) are square Pluto-Uranus and Saturn, there are difficult dilemmas for this person to deal with. There’s probably resentment, fear, paranoia of being used and taken advantage of and strong emotional charges tied up with the desire for a good and abundant life. There’s certainly a motivation to work hard and use the all one’s inner resources to achieve wealth in the broad sense of the word. Jupiter is in the 7th house (of other people), Pluto-Uranus in the 8th (of intimate merging) and Saturn in the 2nd (material possessions). The potential success one can get out of cooperation (Jupiter in 7th) conflicts with the emotional intensity and tie to other people (Pluto in 8th) and one’s sense of responsibility and effort to acquire something of one’s own (Saturn in 2nd). The person feels burdened to acquire personal resources and may be harboring violent resentment (Saturn square Pluto) because of the influence that other people have over him (Pluto in 8th). The ease that is sought through cooperation (Jupiter in 7th) and partnering up with other people might be in painful conflict with the obligation to be financially independent (Saturn in 2nd). There’s suspicion and unpredictability in the sphere of intimate relations, a lot of storms and violent passions that might rob the person of stability and structure. This is not an easy dynamic to deal with and one might feel like there’s a difficult contradiction between the passionate intensity and positive expansion that is derived from other people (Pluto in 8th, Jupiter in 7th) and hard reality of having to achieve something on one’s own and stand independently (Saturn in the 2nd).

The pressure and requirement of being self-sustaining and solid financially seems to have wounded the person in some way, seeing as Saturn is conjunct Chiron, the archetype of the wounded healer. The challenges and hurdles to overcome might not have been possible to face. Earning money might prove difficult, or at least it’s done in a very cautious and controlled way according to convention. Saturn represents the concept of responsibility and duty – Chiron represents a wound that is impossible to heal but is coped with through philosophical approach or practical skills. There’s wounding around discipline, structure and authority and there’s probably deep inadequacy around being truly effective in the “real” world of objects and assets – but it’s coped with through adopting certain attitudes and deliberately finding practical ways to cope. The person might secure a stable and reliable source of income but doesn’t get the feeling of being of true importance, perhaps there’s a feeling of being replaceable, not naturally suited for the work that is done or being undervalued and underpaid. The Saturn-Chiron conjunction sits in Pisces, which goes well together with the 10th house Neptune. There’s a sacrificial and heavy emotional approach to career and earning a living, the person might not have any particular desire for “making something of himself” in the world and becomes more of a servant of the needs and demands of society. It would seem as if this dynamic is easily accepted by the personality, seeing as the Sun in Cancer trines Neptune and Saturn, creating a grand trine figuration in the chart. The person derives identity through the disciplined and sacrificial components of the psyche. The Sun in the 7th indicates that purpose, meaning and self-actualization happen through other people, possibly with a life partner that cooperate as to provide some kind of care and safety (Sun in Cancer) and that is gentle, imaginative and responsible (Neptune and Saturn).

Let’s go deeper into the relational realm. Venus sits in Leo the 8thhouse conjunct Mercury, which means that love is a deep a passionate pursuit for this person. It is felt through soul-touching intimacy and strong emotional binds. It would appear as if this person derives a lot of his experiences from other people, in other words, he’s accessing himself through close proximity and entanglement with others. This person doesn’t feel loved and can’t really love until he’s gotten to the most raw and real parts of himself or another. Venus is tied up with Mercury, which indicates a skill with words in expressing fondness and adoration. When he’s in love he’s communicative, flexible, exciting and very emotionally expressive. However, the sacrificial element of Neptune is squaring Venus, hinting at a proclivity to fall for an image or illusion, seeing people through rose-colored glasses and hoping to be saved through romantic union. This person might be disappointed in love and find out that one is prone to give of oneself to the point of depletion. The dilemma that has to be tackled has to do with boundaries – how far one is willing to extend oneself in the name of sustaining relationships or how much one is able to demand of a partner. There’s a savior-victim-redeemer complex tied up with the idea of love – individual integrity has to be sacrificed. It might be that the person feels that the only the attractive quality that he possesses is the one of complete acceptance and sacrifice of individual pride as characteristic of “spiritual love”. Neptune sits in the 10th, the house of the mother, and no doubt she must’ve been quite emotionally consuming, dreamy and yearning for the biggest treasures of life, the greatest happiness and the greatest love without boundaries. Of course, there’s no such thing as boundlessness in the physical realm, and acting like there is might lead to over-consumption (seeing as Neptune is inconjunct Jupiter and square Venus). “Where did love and happiness go?” is the question of such a person and the answer, as always with Neptune is “down the drain”. The lack of structure and definition that is characteristic of Neptune always become painfully real sooner or later. The person might be quite able to keep up with his job and career endeavors in Neptunian style of compassion and selfless service (seeing as Neptune is trine Saturn, the planet of discipline and material structure) but might not be as fortunate in love or abundance. Relationships require some effort as much as anything else in the “real” world. A lot of painful disillusionment and unfulfilled dreams might surface in relationships seeing as both Jupiter and Venus in relational houses makes aspects Neptune.

As already touched upon briefly, it would seem that the person has an inclination toward engaging in writing and literary pursuits. The Venus-Mercury conjunction points to a real sensitivity and feeling for communication, Mars in Libra (sextile Venus-Mercury) is in the 9th house of higher education points to a fine-tuned and socially accommodating drive to achieve greater intellectual understanding of the world. Aries, the sign ruled by Mars is in the 3rd house of interaction and communication, suggesting an inclination to assert the will through mental engagement. Not to mention that the Sagittarius Ascendant is a big indicator of the scholar type, the lecturer and the preacher. There’s a lot of personal strength derived from being knowledgeable for this person – sharing and perhaps imposing one’s insights on the environment (Mars 9th house, Aries in 3rd). Mars in Libra sextile Venus-Mercury and the Moon, which is indicative of a quite benign and socially acceptable Mars. There are no difficult aggression problems in this person as far as the chart can tell, the way he goes about things are quite smooth and void of severe friction. The martial drive is quite different from the plutonic passion; the latter being something the person would have more of an issue with. Martial drive is action that is taken on the behalf of the self in order to move forward, to move beyond obstacles and problems. The Mars drive is our personal capacity to achieve. Plutonic passion is inner emotional intensity that is ultimately outside of personal control – it’s the primitive survival mechanism that works in all kinds of quietly powerful ways. Although this person might consciously pursue is ambitions in quite pleasant and non-violent ways, there’s a lot of emotional charge stirring below the conscious surface that should be evident to anyone that comes close enough (Pluto in the 8th) and it might be extremely destructive and undermining, not only to others but to himself as well.

Let’s take a look at the Moon and the emotional nature. It’s in Sagittarius which means that the person needs to be “on the go” to have things to look forward to, to keep moving and occupied with rewarding and fun activities. The fire signs are all about honoring the immortal spirit which means that the person has to find a way to keep the spirits high and the energy flowing in order to feel good, this is especially true since the Moon makes a trine to Venus-Mercury in Leo. Mentally stimulating and warm environments that allows for spontaneity is what this person wants and needs. The placement in the 12th house echoes the Neptunian influence, pointing to an emotionally undefined and obscure person that has a hard time finding personal identity in emotion. Emotions might be something that just flows through, leaving little to no trace as they continuously fluctuate. The 12th house is related to family issues from the past and it’s possible that emotions were not something that was dealt with as real and important. Emotional neglect and isolation might’ve been the case. Since the Moon relates to the mother, she was probably quite avoidant of her own emotional truth, remaining diffuse and undifferentiated, fluctuating with the dictates of the environment and constantly mirroring others (which is confirmed by the 10th house Neptune as well).

Let’s end with taking a brief look at the father. The Sun is in Cancer in the 7th, possibly pointing to someone who is sensitive and emotionally driven, diplomatic, keen to establish a strong social identity and take advantage (not in a bad way necessarily) of other people’s skills. He would have a good sense of responsibility and duty (Sun trine Saturn) as a natural inclination toward artistic pursuits and heightened sensitivity to the imaginative realm (Sun trine Neptune). He would also be quite intense, determined and persevering, considering the Sun sextile Pluto aspect, and original, preoccupied with ideas and potential considering the Sun sextile Uranus aspect. Taurus is in the 4thhouse, indicating a Venusian tilt, a taste for the pleasure of materialism and personal possessions.

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anonymousbaev · 3 years

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Hi! Hope you have time for this one! Rfa+minor trio would they be heros or villans say if they were in some kind of superhero crap and what kind of hero/villan would they be? Sorry weird request hehe

RFA+Minor Trio+Rika and Mc Hero/Villain Headcanon

Hello thank you for the request! Not at all is it weird, the idea's very fresh, I love it! (I needed a break from my cheating fics so here's a mini headcanon!) ^~^ *WARNING: Slight spoiler for Tower Of God and Mystic Messenger (obviously haha)*

☆Yoosung☆

Yoosung would most definitely be a hero, and his hero life is probably a sitcom.

Comedy-wise Yoosung is probably the clumsy kind of hero where he makes cute and silly mistakes.

But at the end of the day, all goes well and the world is once again rescued by the great and mighty Yoosung.

In a more serious theme however, Yoosung is probably one of those protagonists that start out to be really innocent and clueless on the topic of fighting.

Later becoming really skillful with character development after a tragic event triggers a power in him? Lol (Kind of like Bam in Tower of God, anyone read that? Yes? Just me?)

☕️ Jaehee ☕️

A freaken cool hero. An ordinary office assistant for a hella bossy trust fund kid, until... evil arises and hero Baehee to the rescue.

She probably has to make a lot of unconvincing excuses to Jumin in order to go out during work and save the day.

By night, she's probably so fed up with everything. Nothing and nobody will get in her way, all she wants to do is finally get some rest and cuddle in for some Zen DVDs.

But nope, apparently the new villain is in town, she practically has to drag herself out with the most dreadful eyebags under her eyes.

Somebody please give this poor woman a break.

♬ Zen ♬

Freaking sexy villain that steals hearts, literally. But he wouldn't be a total villain, cause, hell-o? He's a sweetheart? He would never harm innocent people?

At first he'd be introduced as the 'bad guy' but you'll later realize it was all a misunderstanding. He was even helping the protagonist behind the scenes and later joins the good team.

Plus, Zen would be one of those handsome villains you just cant hate:

"B-but I have to cheer for the protagonist... bUtt I JUST CANT CAUSE UGH WHY IS THE ANTAGONIST (ZEN) SO H0T?"

Oh and, if you're the protagonist, he'd probably flirt with you.

♛ Jumin ♛

Semi-villain, and probably misunderstood like Zen. Later he would join the 'good team' as well.

You just assume he's a villain because he's the heir of the 'bad guys' company. But he's such a darling.

He would probably be the most powerful and important character in the whole plot. He got that money and bodyguards, people working for him, etc.

People's first thought to assuming Jumin is a villain would be:

"ANOTHER FREAKING HOT VILLAIN?"

👓 Saeyoung 👓

"Defender of Justice, 707 to the rescue!"

He would be such a well written hero, his story will go down in history.

A cheerful and happy go lucky hero with backstory. His character has so much of depth.

Hard to not like this fellow.

You better not mess with Seven or anyone he cares for though, because he's not playing games when you do.

All jokes and cheery, till it becomes serious and he turns into a smoking hot hero.

Cue dramatic transformation scene and he becomes extra sharp and handsome without the glasses.

♧ Jihyun ♧

A villain.

Of course the poor baby had and still has the bestest of intentions.

He only wants to bring everyone the peace and happiness they deserve.

But get too greedy, cause the world doesn't work like that and your actions can reflect to have the opposite effect.

He's lost, and he never meant for it to happen. But things that already happened, happened and scars are bound to be left.

But maybe... someone out there can show him, it's not late to make things right.

🌚 Saeran 🌚

A villain and a puppet, controlled to complete evil deeds.

But for the most part, he would be a character you will feel sympathy towards, because you know those actions aren't his intentions.

He would also be a victim saved by the hero at one point of the story.

Also would join the good team after healing to get revenge on the people that controlled him and help other victims still held captive.

🧸 Vanderwood 🧸

Vanderwood would probably be a villain, cold and distant, that being the only thing he had grown up to.

He sees no more good in the world. People never learn with kind words, which is why he believes the only way is to fight fire with fire.

Until maybe... *poke poke* you show him there's still some love and positivity left in the world?

And it may not be told at first but, secretly, he's a "violent hero" in his own way, because he only punishes people with guilt.

Bonus: Mc and Rika

🔅 Rika 🔅

She would be a villain, no questions, no question marks, she's a villain.

People would have split opinions on her character, some may call her a snake, while some may say she needs a chance of redemption. (Hehe basically Rika's situation)

But like most well written villains, she has a reason and though her actions may never and can never be justified...

With some real love and help, her evil deeds may one day come to a red light.

💖 Mc (You guys) 💖

A saint, an angel, a hero.

I swear Mc's heart is made out of gold, and they're so patient.

And though Mc's heroic story, isn't one of the typical, not all hero's wear a cape.

Mc would help a group of heartbroken fellows, either helping them through a painful past or helping them become a better person.

It might've been stressful and hard at times, but Mc made it through, they played through it, to see the Mysme crew that Mc loves and adore, obtain the happy ending they deserve.

#mysme headcanons #mysme #mystic messenger #mystic messenger headcanons #mysme v #mysme zen #mysme jaehee #mysme jumin #mysme yoosung #mystic messenger v #mystic messenger headcanon #mystic messenger hyun

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13uswntimagines · 4 years

Text

You’re in Wubble Now (Bino x Teen!Reader)

Request: R is Sue and Megan daughter(14 years old) ? Like what is being at the wubble together?

Authors note: Hey dudes, I really don’t know much about basketball, or its players, but I hope you enjoy this! Hit me up with requests, questions or if you just wanna say hi!

You smiled brightly up at the sky, enjoying the way the sun fell on your face. You had missed the feeling of the sun on your face and cleats on your feet for the past 4 months you had spent in quarantine. You were glad that wubble included an outdoor area where you could practice your juggling in. You didn’t want to lose your edge over your Aunt Tobin.

You glanced down at the ball, flicking it up to balance on your toe-box, before starting to practice the various tricks you knew how to do. All the while moving towards the place that you had designated in your mind as “goal”. As you neared the area, you tapped the ball a little too hard, sending it careening over the small fence and directly onto the outdoor basketball court. You groaned loudly as it collided with one Sami Whitcomb.

“I’m so sorry,” You tried to cover your giggle with your hand, but failed.

“Trying to take her out so Chicago Sky has the advantage kid?” Jordin Canada laughed, sapping a hand on your shoulder, and you shot her a cheeky smile. You and your Aunt JJ had a running joke that the Stars were your favorite team, though you were rather partial to Portland, just to annoy your mothers.

“Hey short stack, you’re good with your feet, but are you any good with your hands?” Sami joined in the banter, spinning the soccer ball on her finger before tossing it back to you. You smiled and caught it on the top of your left foot and began to juggle again.

“Are you kidding me? She’s got Pino’s height and none of Bird’s skills,” Breanna Stewart joked, resting her elbow on the top of your head. You huffed. Yes, you were short, and the USWNT always liked to remind you of that, but next to your mom’s teammates, you were practically a dwarf and they didn’t mind telling you about it.

Just because you preferred soccer didn’t mean you weren’t any good at basketball. Hell, you and your mom had done nothing but play pickup games in the driveway since the whole COVID thing started. You weren’t terrible, to begin with, but you had definitely gotten better if you did say so yourself. You had even pulled the basketball version of a nutmeg on your mom. Plus, you never backed down from a challenge.

“I think I could take you,” You smirked, puffing out your chest. The women laughed at your adorableness. They knew just how competitive you were, they had seen it in your determination to make the U15 soccer team, and in all of the stories about you, Sue had shared with them.

“Be careful what you ask for kid, just because you’re a Rapino-Bird doesn’t mean we won’t whip your ass,” Jordin said seriously, (gently) bumping your shoulder. You set your jaw in a way that they had come to recognize as your ‘I’m going to win any way I can’ face.

“Sounds like a challenge to me,” Sami laughed at how cute your determined face was, patting your upper back in a way that reminded you of your mom.

“Oh, you’re on. 2v2 me a Sami vs you and Breanna” You nodded at Jordin, who flashed Sami a wink. They couldn’t let the soccer players teach you everything, now could they.

****

The game was going well for you, as you and Sami were up by 12, and you were about to extend that lead. She crossed you the ball, bouncing it in between Breanna’s legs. You collected it, realizing that if you tried to dribble, you’d most likely fall victim to Jordin’s marking. So you took the shot, Jumping up just outside of the three-point area. Jordin, not expecting the move, bumped into you milliseconds after the ball had left your fingertips, sending you careening into the concrete floor.

“You alright kid?” Sami asked, watching as you got back to your feet, and gasping when you turned around.

“Shit, Sue’s going to kill us,” Jordan mumbled when she saw the gash that had formed just above your right eyebrow, and the red substance that was seeping down your face, staining your brand new Re-inc popsicle shirt.

“Kill you is more like it,” Breanna smirked, shoving Jordin’s shoulder lightly.

“And I’d be more worried about Megan,” Sami murmured as she took a closer look at your cut.

“I’m fine guys,” You grumbled, pulling your head out of Sami’s gentle hands and turning to find the basketball. The rapid movement caused even more blood to drip down your covered face, and land unceremoniously on the pavement.

“Yeah, let’s get you to the medic,” The women rolled their eyes at your insistence, Jordin grabbing one arm, and Breanna grabbing another while Sami placed a hand at the center of your back to get you moving forward.

The walk to the First aid room had been relatively uneventful, as the women wouldn’t budge on their stance that you needed to get checked by the doctors (though several other players sent you worried looks as you passed them).

“I’m going to need to call one of your mothers down here for consent to treat you,” The doctor said quietly, handing you a piece of gauge and motioning for you to hold it to the cut that was still freely bleeding. You rolled your eyes at him and nodded for Sami to call your mom. She was always more level headed than Ma when you got hurt. You should have guessed that they would be together and that they would not be happy to find out that you’d been hurt… again.

“What the fuck happened?” Megan exclaimed, bursting into the first aid room, racing over to you and glaring at the women who were accompanying you. It was kinda funny cause even though she was so much shorter than them, they all shrunk under her gaze.

“Meg, chill.”Sue interrupted, stepping between her wife and her very afraid teammates. Megan may have been short but she was called your mama bear for a reason.“What happened?” Your mom asked you directly, crouching down so she was eye level with you, and taking the soaked gauze from your grasp. You sighed dramatically.

“We were playing a game of pickup, and I got bumped. They freaked out,” you scoffed, waving your hand at the three women who were still covering inter you Ma’s gaze.

“I think our response was well deserved,” Sami grumbled, gesturing towards you. So maybe there had been a lot of blood, but your Aunt Ash had always said that head cuts always bled more.

“It was just a scratch,” You rolled your eyes, your annoyance leaking into your tone, sure that if it had been any one of your mom’s teammates, you would still be outside on the field, enjoying the sun.

“Yeah, like Kelley’s nose during the World Cup,” You am sent you a pointed look, and you froze.

“I don’t stop in the middle of games,” you grumbled, pouting and crossing your arms, pulling off a flying squirrel impersonation that would make the woman proud, “and plus this is nothing compared to the time Aunt Toby took me surfing” You pointed out, shivering just thinking about the experience. The almost drowning part hadn’t been the worst part, the cuts from the coral on the bottom had.

“You got caught under a wave and almost drowned,” Sue said sternly, forcing you to look her in the eyes, and grabbing another wad of gauze, as you had bled through the first two.

“See, this is just a baby cut compared to that, or liked the time I went skateboarding with Emily,” You shot her a grin, and she sent you back a grim smile.

“Yeah, that time you broke your collarbone,”

You huffed. It had been Lindsey’s idea for you to try and jump the fire hydrant, and Emily’s fault that she hadn’t cleared the sidewalk for you. If you had followed through with the landing, you probably would have creamed the family of 4 just trying to enjoy their day.

“I’m going to have to put stitches in,” The doctor interrupted, peeling back the gauze and setting up to treat your cut.

“You’re not allowed by yourself with our teams anymore,” Megan huffed, glaring at the three women who were watching your interaction with their captain in awe.

“Hey, it’s not our fault the shrimp-“ Jordin started to protest, only to be cut off by a glare from her Captain.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Sue said, her voice dangerously low, before turning back to you. “You’re benched for the rest of the season kid,” She finished, cupping your cheek. You closed your eyes in frustration. You didn’t want to have to sit on the bench with your ma.

“Hey, I’m not that bad,” Megan pouted at you, obviously offended by your reaction. You loved your Ma, you did, but you had way too much energy to not be able to play sports, even though you probably had a concussion.

“No, you're not,” You said back lowly, and Sue laughed at your sad face. She knew that there would be no way to stop you from playing sports, but maybe the promise of cuddling with your Ma would at least give your cut time to heal.

“Love you, my dear,” Megan whimpered, placing a careful kiss on your cheek, followed by another from Sue.

#uswnt x reader #uswnt imagine #uswnt imagines #Bino x Reader #Bino Imagine

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