#but i am worried that my panic is actually falling into agoraphobia at this point

[cherriesandcharms]

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[thiscrimsonsoul]

You treat PTSD with so much respect and care, and I admire and appreciate that beyond words. Sadly a lot of people don't believe it's real, because they can't see it. My grandfather was a child in London during WW2. No explanation is needed. After all these years, he still experiences panic attacks and he's waiting for a bomb to fall on him in any minute. Children were evacuated, but the noise and death were still there... PTSD is real and it haunts people. You show that so well through Wanda!

{out of paprikash} Thank you so much for saying this, it really means a lot. I actually strive to portray PTSD and all mental illness with as much realism and basis in fact as possible. It is extremely important to me that I do not sensationalize or romanticize it at all. I often worry that I am not living up to that standard, but I would like everyone to know that I strive for it in everything I write.

It was difficult for me at first to write a character with PTSD specifically. I myself am an introvert and have or have experienced generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, germophobia, OCD, emotional co-dependency, misophonia, and agoraphobia-like fear of certain public places and situations. So I feel very comfortable writing those things because I have firsthand experience with what they are and how they affect someone’s life. I can describe them from a first-person point of view and can easily relate the physical and psychological effects of any one of them being triggered in some way. But PTSD is not something I have, nor do I know anyone who has it, so when I began to write characters with it, I quickly realized I needed a better understanding of what I was writing about.

I am more used to performing research on a topic before I write than just jumping into something. This is because I am more used to writing novels than rps. For novels, even fiction and even high fantasy, require a certain level of consistency and realism, especially for real human afflictions like PTSD. It doesn’t change because your muse can wield magic, for example, heh. So for things like that, one really needs to make sure that one has the necessary factual information at hand to be able to write accurately and realistically. Someone with PTSD should not only recognize what a character is going through without you explicitly telling them that they have PTSD, and should be able to relate to their experience. Now, to be fair, PTSD is a multi-faceted condition and not all people experience all facets, and not all experience them in the same way. Each person is different, and to some extent is depends on why they have PTSD in the first place. Something like being on the front lines of a war vs. being in a traffic accident vs. being the victim of an assault or chronic abuse situation, those could all produce PTSD in people, but it will manifest in different ways.

So… right now I currently have seven muses on Tumblr with some form of PTSD. One was a victim of child abuse and mental conditioning (Luther), one is a war veteran and torture survivor (Raiden), three were experimented on and lived through traumatic events (Matt Addison/Nemesis, Wanda, Pietro), one lived through a specific traumatic event (Aryx), and one was imprisoned and forced to watch family members be executed (Carlos). Luther was the first of these that I started writing, and shortly after I set up his blog I also began working on a novel the main character of which was an Iraq War veteran. He was a sergeant had PTSD from being captured and witnessing the executions of the men in his platoon over a two-year timespan. When I began the novel was when I became really concerned about sensationalizing or romanticizing PTSD, and I was especially nervous about it because I had no experience with it whatsoever. I also did not want to disrespect veterans at all. The events of the character’s past were not to focus of the story, but they do drive many of his motivations for certain decisions he makes and result in nightmares and flashbacks. Anyway, I decided before continuing any further to do some research, but reading about PTSD was not enough for me. reading about any kind of mental disorder doesn’t tell you what it’s like to have it, or what a person sees, hears, feels, etc. when certain symptoms arise. So… I decided to conduct a few interviews.

I interviewed a couple of my dad’s friends who were war veterans and then I chatted with a few people online who responded to a post I made about wanting to learn more about PTSD. That was very helpful because  had no concept of what being inside a flashback is like, what it’s like when it begins, what it’s like when you come out of one, how long or short they can be, and the types of things that can trigger them. I learned about all the different symptoms and how some people can have one persistent symptom or many that come and go. It was very eye-opening and I really gained a respect for the disorder as well as for people that live with it. It is something that can affect sleep patterns, which then can translate to a lower quality of life overall if sleep is disrupted to enough of a degree. It is something that can be debilitating, dangerous, embarrassing, etc. if flashbacks occur in public or while driving. SO there were a lot of things that I hadn’t considered at all before I began writing and I’m so glad that I spoke to people who had firsthand knowledge of this so that I might learn the reality of it, and not just what is shown on TV.

I ended up scrapping the book anyway because I just had this nagging feeling that I was somehow being disrespectful to veterans or people with PTSD. Whether I was or not or whether it was just my own insecurities as a write, I don’t know. It just didn’t feel like it was my story to tell. But I did continue to write Luther, and I have always enjoyed tackling characters with complex emotional and psychological issues. I like to take them from the depths of their worst times through recovery and redemption arcs and through to the better times. That, for me, is the most fun I can have with a character.

So after Luther I picked up six more characters that I write with PTSD, and I feel I have a very good understanding of the causes of it and the sorts of triggers that can result in symptoms. The characters specific personality comes into play as well. If they are already an anxious character, they may experience more panic attacks or lost time than other characters. If not, their anxiety may manifest in other ways, like excessive anger or dissociation. I can honestly say that no two of my seven muse babies with PTSD experience it the same way, nor do they present with the same symptoms. So it is a challenge to write, but I enjoy taking them through that healing and recovery process. PTSD can sometimes be lessened in severity for some people, but for others it lasts a lifetime, so approaching a “new normal” is often necessary for the characters. Learning to manage it, getting help from other muses, or even just discovering that they have the disorder in the first place are all issues I’ve tackled with my muses.

So I do take it very seriously, as it should be taken, and it means a lot to hear that someone thinks I am handling it well and not in the over-hyped, romantic, TV sense. Thank you for sending this in! =)