#but i can't keep having my commute fuck up my whole day with pain it's unsustainable

[privateanxieties]

these final hours

Summary: When your job becomes too overwhelming, Frank decides enough is enough. A brief conversation reveals that things run deeper than he thought.

----------------------------------------

His verdict comes down one Sunday evening, breaking you from the melancholic stupor you're well into traversing.

"Alright, that's it."

There's a part of you that wants to protest immediately. It's always the first one to make itself known, because it's the one that feels the most fear. No, you cannot just quit your job, no matter the toll it's taking on you. No matter how many people tell you it's making you fade. No matter how little you stand to gain from keeping it up. Because if you do, then - then -

"Don't look at me like that. I said that's enough. You ain't going tomorrow."

There is, however, another part of you: the one that could cry out in sheer relief just by being presented with an out.

You don't even know what it is, exactly. Everyone has to work who was not born fortunate. People have much harder jobs than you do, and they get paid even less. So many struggle to make ends meet. You have neither the long, nor the short straw. The work is completely average, though perhaps below your capabilities. Definitely below your studies - God knows you're not justifying any of those student loans, save for maybe lots of jobs requiring some kind of degree these days. No, you can't quite grasp where all this melancholia with regard to your job originates.

When you really look at your situation, you have to abstain from getting carried away by overwhelming disappointment over how unjustified all this grief seems. Things could be a hell of a lot worse. People go through things at work that render them suicidal, and here you are, on a Sunday night, sad that you have to wake up for your commute.

"Sweetheart, you gotta talk to me. Alright? Can't handle seein' you like this. Nothin's worth it, you hear me? Ain't a goddamn thing in this world worth what this shit does to you."

Frank's hand on your knee makes you immediately tense up. It's instantaneous sensory overload from a simple touch and you can't explain it. It bothers you that you can't explain because it's another thing that's wrong with you. Another overreaction to an inoffensive event.

Before you can move away or even just barely take a breath, the warmth of his skin disappears. You hate the relief that washes over you. Who feels better when someone they love stops being affectionate? You, apparently. Always against the grain.

"You know I'm not making you do anything. Yeah? Need to hear that you know that."

A nod is what you manage, but eye contact has yet to happen. You theorize that if it were to happen, if you were to see him in this moment of wild vulnerability, you'd probably want to run from him and all else in the world.

"You don't have shit to prove to anyone. You included. Can't try to beat yourself into a mold if that mold's just gonna take away all the best parts of you."

Your chest rattles, and you try to keep your breath from becoming a pained gasp.

"You know, just 'cause I read doesn't mean I'm good with words. That's all you. But I'll say whatever I gotta say to get through. I ain't losin' the woman I love to a fucking job. And I sure as shit ain't letting her believe she's gotta do what the world says she's gotta do. Break herself as many times as she has to just to get approval. Can't do shit with approval, I'll tell you that."

Against all odds, words tumble out of you like a knocked over pot of crayons. Sharpness everywhere.

"I fail at - at everything. I haven't done one thing right my whole life. I quit everything I start. Everything - Frank, I can't st-"

An involuntary sob rips straight from your heart.

"I can't stand myself. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of my days not belonging to me. I'm tired of getting nowhere. I'm tired of not having any good reason to be like this. Every day I have to know, I have to wake up and go to sleep and never stop knowing that I am the way that I am. And I wish something would just happen so I don't have to keep-"

It stops. The flow of words you've never said out loud, even to yourself, stops dead. The silence floods the remaining space without delay but it, too, does so fruitlessly.

Frank has heard enough. Enough to know exactly what you've sworn you would protect him from.

"Will you look at me?"

The softest plea. You don't think you've ever witnessed it.

"Need to see it. Yeah? I need to see it in your eyes, what you just said. And then we'll figure it out. But I need to know, sweetheart. Because if I gotta protect you from your own mind, Imma be honest with you - I need different gear."

It's a weak attempt at humor, but not completely unsuccessful. Mostly you just know that Frank means every word. And you know, as your gaze meets his at last, that the part of you that always resists outside help has lost some strength. You're not too far gone to be able to admit that your thoughts have been getting bleaker. It's a newness that scares even you, who's been down this path before. Somewhere, it seems a turn arrived that even you weren't aware you'd taken.

But Frank is nothing if not relentless. There is no road he won't track you down on and no path inaccessible to someone of his determination. You can see it in his eyes, along with the subtlest glimmer. You're making him worry, and when Frank worries, he plans. Ten, maybe twenty steps ahead - which is why he locks away your phone with his guns for the night. It's safe to say you won't have an alarm for tomorrow, and the relief that fact brings isn't unaccompanied by guilt. Frank soothes it with promises and his unique brand of realism - you'll get through everything together, as long as you're honest. No more hiding, no more detours.

You're not sure how good you'll be at it, and when you voice the thought to him, Frank doubles down as he pulls the covers back from the bed and you both slip under them.

"You know what being good at therapy looks like?"

You hum your curiosity.

"Not needing relief anymore. Promise to let me know when we get there. Yeah?"

You press your fragile promise into the skin of his cheek, tucking your head below his chin and wrapping as much of your body around him as possible and, for the first time in weeks, drifting off instead of fighting to sleep.

.

.

.

-fin-

A/N: just a short piece that I hope brings you some comfort if you need it.

[gwydionmisha]

how do you keep up with all these articles and websites? With twitter being down the shitter, and tumblr recycling month old posts, i havent been able to find a good central news source. I figured I could use RSS feeds, but these sites post SOOOO frequently that I find it overwhelming. any advice?

it's an eclectic process. I watch some TV news which gives me a heads up on things happening. So does dreamwidth and tumblr and friends with different areas of interests that will let me know about things happening in the areas they watch or in their countries. I also watch a couple of other progressive aggregators with sort of Venn diagram interest areas with mine. So some stuff over laps with things I already read, but there are more things I wouldn't have spotted on my own that are important and/or interesting. I also have a bunch of searches I do for longer running things, and things I'll do a random periodic search on to check in with ongoing situations that mostly fell out of the English language news cycle.

I started out doing history articles and archeology news, that sort of thing. Then there was a little commentary. Then Us politics went completely berserk and I ran out of time to properly read and post breaking news, let alone the things i still care about but are so much less world on fire. I try to squeeze some in at the edges never theless.

It helps that I read stupid fast with a high comprehension rate. also, I'm disabled and don't work, so I have time other people don't have, even working at whatever pace my body is up for that day. I can just go lie down if need to. I don't have to force myself to type much if my arm is completely fucked that day. Most people have a whole lot of time sucked into working and commuting. Most aggregators are working to some sort of schedule if only self imposed.

A lot of why my out put rate is so uneven from day to day is some days I am too busy or ill. Some days I do a ton of reading and prepping, but am too ill or tired or in pain and can't post much of it. The massive output Sunday evening was an example of the opposite thing, where I hadn't time to read, but I had a ton of links read and preorganized, so I could toss them onto the dreamwith scaffold and post them very fast at the same time on Tumblr, so I gnawed through some of my backlog pile.

(I post a sorted aggregate on dreamwidth once or twice a week at https://gwydion.dreamwidth.org/. Tumblr they mostly go up in batches).

I am doing this on the most basic level out of love. I love learning stuff, hence my origins over on livejournal before the Russians got it, sharing links to articles about cool things people dug up. I grew up in a political family. I've been watching politics since the Ford/Carter debates. I do care about the world. I want things to be better. I can't march. I can signal boost, and write, and share links, and call politicians to complain about stuff. It means a lot to me when people I don't know look at what I do and it helps them in some way.

I would be reading news regardless. I learned at the age of eight that when confronted with horrors, that for me personally, I do best if I study the enemy. This allowed me to work out how best to resist and survive. all these decades later, my survival strategy dishes up news links organized in anxiety friendly ways on dreamwidth, and in the more chaotic but blacklistable form here on tumblr. I'm anal retentive about news tagging to help the people who aren't here for that or who aren't up to staring directly into the void with me and drinking from the news fire hose. I never even expect my closest friends to read all my output, because my volume is rather excessive.

Don't feel bad if you aren't up to it, some days or weeks or months. My adaptation is wildly atypical and for most people this would be unhealthy.

If the news is too much, it's okay to take a mental health break. I do ask that you vote, because we need everyone, regardless of country to save the world. The news will still be there when you are up to it

Any aggregate has a bias, both selection, and the other kind. there are things i don't cover because I don't know they are happening or because there isn't time. There are a whole lot of other things that I don't or barely cover because they aren't good for me. it is so much harder to see absence than presence.

My best advice to you, is to find someone like me who gets a lot of the things you are interested in so you can at least skim headlines. More than one is better, but if you get stressed out by the output keep it simple. Find some news sites you trust or if you have a good local paper get a subscription. (I used to read the paper everyday, but my local paper is extra bad, so I'm all online now). Read articles on things that interest you. If you are up to it do some searches on topics important to you.

Whatever you do, never read or watch one news source exclusively. Every source has biases. If all that history training has taught me anything, it's that.

Remember that no one can read everything and that's okay.

I have no idea if this helps. I just stopped to read your note before bed, so I'm a bit rambly.