#but i kinda killed it? except when it came to parallel parking which took a few tries but 🤡 i swear aside from that it went so smoothly

[robertacolndrez]

hello beloveds i'm sorry i haven't been here much lately but things have been more chaotic than usual - just wanted to drop by to announce i finally have my fucking driver's licence LETS GOOOOOOOO

[redrobin-detective]

Ok, I’ve tried and tried and tried to write this fic because I see it so clearly in my mind but it’s just not going no matter what I do. But I don’t want the idea to die with me. The closest this came to being written was exile which was an attempt to bleed out some of the energy of this au.

Anyway, so it starts off vaguely similar to canon only more aggressive. There had been underlying tension between ghosts and humans for a while, the dead jealous/angry at the living for disrespecting them. The successful creation of the Fenton ghost portal (and another halfa) was considered an act of war and so the ghosts responded in kind. So basically all of S1 occurs fairly close to canon except ghost attacks are more violent and have increasingly more consequences as time passes. Also the attacks aren’t just in Amity Park with ghosts becoming a worldwide issue but Amity is a focal point. Regular people know the ghosts hate them though they don’t know why. Phantom is very much a controversial figure as he is a ghost but also clearly is fighting off the more violent ghosts. 

One day, not long after the events of Control Freaks, Amity Park wakes up to find three of their own are gone. Danny Fenton, Sam Manson and Tucker Foley are nowhere to be found. There’s a massive manhunt, the parents go on TV and beg for information but they cannot be found. Curiously enough, town hero Phantom was also missing. There’s some evidence they left of their own volition so the Mansons and Foleys eventually relent that the kids fled on their own. The Fentons are 100% certain the kids were stolen/killed by ghosts as a statement. And the fact that Phantom went missing around the same time means he was the one who killed them. Jazz knows Danny was Phantom but had no idea what was going on and knew her parents wouldn’t listen she just, kept quiet and privately tried to piece together what happened. 

Three years pass and finally it looks like the Ecto War is coming to a close. Young, naive ghosts attempted to raise Pariah Dark in a bid to win. It went disastrously but Phantom (who was periodically spotted around the world, deep in the worst battles of the war) and group of loyal allies subdued the king. By the law of ghosts, Phantom was named heir apparent and he declared that the fighting would stop. Humans and ghosts would have to negotiate and co-exist in peace. But he’s not king yet, no he needs to be crowned at the place where it began, Amity Park’s Fenton portal (”where it all began” has a double meaning of the beginning of the war but also symbolically where Phantom began as Kings assume the crown where their living life ended to show their abandonment of their first life and the commitment to their second). Amity is NOT happy to hear that their former hero is coming home.

Amity has been through the wringer, ghost attacks got pretty bad. The Fenton’s throw themselves into their work to cancel out the grief, they create a group of ghost hunters nicknamed the Reds (for their red blood, ghosts are nicknamed Greens) to control the threat. Valerie heads the young adult division and is considered one of the best, she drops out of school to devote herself to it full time. Oh also her dad is now the Mayor as most have died or didn’t want the job. There are still people who like Phantom and see him as a hero (a lot of Casper Kids) but it’s generally an unpopular opinion in town. Maddie and Jack are ready to obliterate the ghost that took their son’s life the moment he’s within city limits. It’s a powder keg ready to blow. It all comes to a head when Phantom and his entourage arrive.

First off, Phantom looks very different, much less human looking than when he left. He’s clearly aged like a normal teen but his eyes look much, much older.  His skin is dead white with a blue tinge to it from his ice core and his aura is super cold. His hair is longer and is very misty that kind of swirls around him and his has fangs and claws. When he’s deep in battle or his obsession, his sclera turn black and he looks scary af. His entourage is ghosts who have sworn loyalty to him, who he picked up along the way after battling beside them for 3 years. Fright Knight, Skulker and Frostbite are recognizable allies. They are not happy that their future King is back in Amity (secretly fearing they’ll lose him once more to his human life). J&M have a shot and are going for the kill when they see something that shocks them; Sam and Tucker are in Phantom’s entourage.

There had been whispers that Phantom interacted with humans, that humans were in his inner circle but this is something else together. And so are Sam and Tucker. Sam is Phantom’s General, she is talented and collected and half feral. She used to be a pacifist but the trials of war and understanding that peace sometimes needs to be fought for made her compromise. She’s covered in scars and an extremely talented fighter. She’s missing her right hand up to her forearm, she can form a ‘phantom limb’ (basically borrowing ectoplasm from her future ghost) to do some things with some powers. Tucker is the support, he uses human and ghost tech to organize, weaponize and generally keep things running. He’s covered in homemade tech (shields and weapons and computers) and he rarely removes. Both he and Sam have kinda forgotten how to interact with and really BE human after so long among the dead. They had attempted to conceal themselves but they had forgotten how strong parental love and recognition is. J&M want to know about Danny, the teens don’t know how to respond but assure them he’s alive. Phantom can’t bring himself to look at them.

This is where I start to lose track of things but there will be parallels of Valerie/Maddie vs Sam as female warriors on opposite sides who are willing to go behind, possibly compromising the things important to them, for victory. Tucker will be contrasted against Jack/Jazz as the one making weapons but also generally keeping the human parts of the team mentally/physically afloat. *Severe* PTSD for all three of them. They’re also unnaturally codependent on each other, get super anxious when one of the trio is out of sight and sleep in a big cuddle pile. They will fucking Kill You if you look at one of them wrong. Vlad will be involved, he had been jailed for war crimes but convinced Walker to stage a coup to overthrow Danny and take the crown before he’s actually declared King and is too powerful. Vlad is more unhinged here, more ghost than human (a hint on what could happen to Danny if he’s not careful). He is eventually defeated but he sacrifices his life for ghost power which, in the end, is what makes him able to be beaten.

 There’s lots of ideas on what it means to be live or dead and where the divide really is, is it a heartbeat or it is how you choose to use your existence. On how duty shouldn’t mean you need to give up everything. Because Jack and Maddie believe that Phantom killed their son and, in a way, they’re right. Before they left, the ghost war had gotten so bad and the rumors of Dark being resurrected were going around. Amity attacks were at an all time high, people in their school were being killed just because Danny went there. He realized he had to choose between Fenton or Phantom and he chose to protect the world. He abandoned his human identity and went off to fight in war. Tried to convince Sam and Tucker to stay but they followed him through hell and back. Because Danny spends so much time as Phantom, Fenton is severely neglected. His long hair is cool and floaty as Phantom but is unkempt and stringy, hanging in his face as Fenton. He’s wan and underweight and looks like a walking corpse. He knows his human half will give out soon if he doesn’t give it more attention but he just can’t there’s too much to do, too many people to save.

It would end with Danny being outed to the town, not the world, just the town. Jack and Maddie need to recon with the fact that their boy DID leave of his own choice but only because their failure to protect him (from both the portal and ghosts) made him feel he had to take all this responsibility on his shoulders. Danny also has to recognize that he (and Sam/Tuck) can’t do all this on their own and they can trust and rely on the people around him. Phantom is crowned King but he decides Amity will be his base. The trio eat more, sleep some, catches up on school all the while continuing their duties as King and court. The ghosts also see that Phantom’s humanity isn’t a weakness but a strength and will bring peace to the Earth/Zone so they also take some of the burdens off his shoulder. 

Basically I load up heavily with angst at the beginning and end with all the love and comfort imaginable. I just can’t fucking figure out the middle and my motivation will not let me write this shit out. But I can’t let this AU die bc it fucking keeps me up at night.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

The Bird Cage Symbol 🤔🕊

Morning, Everyone! I have an actual new theory for you! Are you excited? Okay, it’s not SUPER new and groundbreaking, but I’m still very excited about it. It has to do with some spoilers that were released last week. So yes, I’m analyzing spoilers. If you don’t want to read about spoilers, don’t click the “read more” below. You’ve been warned.

These were actually posted in my group early last week, and they made me happy, but they also didn’t come from TSDF, so I didn’t want to about them until I knew for sure they were reliable. I just kinda hoped they were. And they are! Yea!

Here are the spoilers (I’m paraphrasing):

The group trapped underground with Alpha’s herd realizes they’re in an old mine. They find old bird cages the miners used to keep canaries in with dynamite in them. Carol takes it to blow up the herd. Connie and Magna get buried inside the cave, and Daryl leaves the rest of the group to try and find a way to rescue them. Sounds like that is how 10x09 will end.

Okay, two major things here:

This may well end up being a death fake out of sorts for Connie. I have a hunch that even if Daryl finds his way back into the cave, Connie won’t be there. If so, he may have to go look for her. I’ve said more than once that Connie might have a death fake out (like Beth). But even more than that, I’ve been saying since the beginning of the season that Carol and Daryl will jump on his bike to go look for something, and while I’ve waffled on who exactly it would be, one of the prime candidates has always been Connie.

Of course, we can’t say for sure it will play out like this. For now, they’re simply trapped in the mine. But my head canon is that they will be rescued by someone other than Daryl (perhaps simply Alpha or the other Whisperers; perhaps someone else entirely, who takes them to the hospital, maybe?) But either way, Daryl and Carol will eventually figure out where they are and go looking for them, and they’ll end up wherever Beth is, and Connie will have a hand in reuniting Beth and Daryl, fulfilling the symbolism we saw in 10x01 (her bringing Dog back to him on the beach).

The other thing that caught my interest, of course, is the bird cage they find in the mine. Mostly because we saw a bird cage in Beth’s cell, and also many times since then. I looked up “canary in a coal mine” to make sure I was familiar with all the connotations of that phrase. We’ve all heard it before, but I wanted to be sure I had the definition correct.

It’s basically a death omen. Miners used the birds to warn themselves of carbon monoxide. It’s an odorless gas, and if they were breathing it (a very real concern when one is working in a mine) they wouldn’t know it. But CO would kill birds far faster than humans. So, they kept canaries in the cages, and if they looked over, and the canaries were dead, they knew there was CO gas in the mine and quickly got out before it killed them too.

A bit brutal? Yes. But seen as a necessity to keep the miners safe.

But here’s the thing. In this episode, the group doesn’t actually find any canaries. Just the cage. And it’s full of dynamite. An obvious foreshadow of what will happen with the dynamite. I’ll explain why I think this below, but I believe an empty bird cage (no bird in it) represents a death fake out, in which the person disappears, but lives. To be fair, this really may be more about Connie than Beth, but the symbolism is still there and applies to Beth.

So, I knew when I first read this that I needed to sit down and think about the bird cage symbol more. I knew there would be more than simply “the one in Beth’s cell” to point to. It took me a few days, but when I did, I came up with a lot of interesting connections. First, let’s list the bird cages we’ve seen. I’m sure I’ll miss a few, but here are the ones that come to mind.

1. The (empty) bird cage in Beth’s cell

2. The bird cage Carl saw in 4x09. It was technically empty, but a dead bird lay on the floor outside it.

3. An empty bird cage we saw near Glenn in 6x07.

4. And now this one, in 10x09. (I’m willing to bet there’s one somewhere around Rick, but I’d have to go re-watch several episodes to find out, and I haven’t had time to do that.

Let’s talk about bird cages in general in literature.

The first thing I did was look up “bird cage symbolism.” The biggest thing Google points me to is Maya Angelou’s “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.” I actually read that book in college. (It’s really beautiful by the way.) But I also know the reason Angelou used that analogy is that it’s common in literature. I know Jane Austin used it in Mansfield Park, but those are the only two instances I know of off the top of my head. So, as we’ve talked about before, the caged bird obviously represents imprisonment, but via Maya Angelou, it’s much more than that. Throughout her book, she uses the analogy of the caged bird (I think she’s got an actual poem in there). She talks about how the bird WANTS to sing a beautiful song like other birds, but all it has is a bitter song because it’s angry about being caged. In her case, the cage represents racism, oppression, and sexual abuse, all of which she endured as a child. 

So, it’s a book about learning to sing despite the cage. And understand, it’s not about someone railing against a physical cage. Angelou would have grown up during the American Civil Rights movement. So even though African Americans weren’t slaves anymore and hadn’t been for some time, they didn’t have any choice but to deal with segregation, racism, and it’s not like she could do much as a child about the sexual exploitation she was a victim of. 

So the title, “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings” suggests that, while most people would expect the bird to be angry and bitter, and might even criticize the bird for singing in its cage, she knows why it does that: because it’s learned the lesson that it’s better to deal with your trials with grace and still choose to be beautiful than to be bitter and resentful your entire life about something you cannot change. Sound like something that can apply to Beth? Let me mention Jane Austin’s bird really quickly. I had to research this. In Mansfield Park, they tell a story that I guess was commonly known in JA’s time. It’s about a bird trapped in a cage and asking someone to help him. He says over and over again, “I can’t get out. I can’t get out.” But even those who try to open the cage for him can’t do it. *coughs Coda* Austen uses this as a statement about how women in English Regency society not having any choices, and not being able to get out of marriages for any reasons (including abuse and deep unhappiness). She actually has a character say that about her marriage. “I can’t get out.” Okay, so back to TWD. I’m just thinking that the bird cage in Beth’s cell represented not only that she’d be imprisoned, but that she would need to learn to sing her song even during 8 years of imprisonment. In fact, perhaps that’s the only way she would ever have survived. Let’s look at Carl. Carl and Beth are very alike. They both dealt with harsh trials when they were young and somewhat petulant (Beth’s suicide, Carl when he killed that kid who was with the Governor). Both of them, thanks in part to the love of great fathers, and the group at large, came through it stronger than ever emotionally. Both have a great respect for human life and helping people. 

So I’ve always seen that birdcage in 4x09 as a foreshadow of Beth. Yes, the bird is dead, which might suggest her actual death. But I’ve always just assumed that it meant that when she tried to leave Grady, she would “die.” And it still probably does. But think of it this way. What if that cage was also a death omen for Carl? Remember that earlier in that episode, he fell onto his back on the ground while fighting walkers. And in the scene where he’s with Siddiq and is bitten, we get the exact same shot.

So, chances are that entire sequence is a foreshadow of Carl’s coming arc. We also saw an eyesight chart (his eye) and a bat (Negan) in the house he and Rick stay in. And all of S4 was one great big foreshadow, right? AND. When Carl ventured outside Alexandria to bring Siddiq in…he died. And then there’s that pesky phoenix we saw at his death.

So, what I’m thinking now is that Carl is actually a foil to Beth in this way. They’re parallels in that when both of them tried to leave their prisons, they “died.” Except Beth really didn’t. And she probably learned to accept the prison and sing anyway (I still sing) where Carl…I’m not going to say that he didn’t sing a beautiful song, but maybe it’s that he was never satisfied with that. He always wanted to venture out on his own.

Think of that in 4x08. He told Rick he didn’t need him anymore and left on his own, just to show that he could. But maybe Beth learned to accept her prison and just have faith that somehow, she’d see Daryl again. 

I think we could also apply this to the other birds we’ve seen in some way. Daryl seeing the blue bird in S9 could show that he’ll find his bird again soon. But I also think Lydia was something of a caged bird with the Whisperers. All the birds in Still and Alone (heron, yellow ones on the wallpaper, etc.) are obviously about Beth, but I think they also show that Beth and Daryl made beautiful music together, even when they were kind of trapped in zombie world.

Meanwhile, um, Coda? Annnddd…hopefully when Connie goes missing, she ends up where Beth is, and Daryl goes to get her, and POOF! Reunion!

Now let’s just say a word about the other cages. The one by Glenn was empty, and we saw it after they revealed to the audience that he’d survived by crawling under the dumpster. This is why I think the empty bird cage represents a death fake out, in which the person lives. We saw an empty bird cage in Beth’s cell as well. (Again, by empty, I specifically mean no bird.) And now we have this empty bird cage in the mine, which tells me Connie will live, but she’ll probably also disappear in such a way that Daryl can’t find her.

I’ve been looking for a bird cage around Rick, and haven’t been able to find one. Thanks to @wdway​ for helping me. We’ve scanned through 7x12, Say Yes, which had a heavy foreshadow of Rick’s death fake out, and 9x05, where he actually disappeared. We haven’t been able to find one. But there are a few possibilities. 

1) There is one somewhere, and we’ve just missed it. I’m sure someone will notice it eventually, but since I haven’t had time to rewatch every episode in detail, we definitely could have missed it. 

2) We didn’t see Glenn’s bird cage until 6x07, AFTER he was revealed to be alive. So perhaps we haven’t seen one for Rick yet, but we will. 

3) Chances are good that in the next handful of episodes, Michonne will learn Rick is a live and that will be the catalyst for her leaving the show to go find him. I’m wondering if maybe we’ll see a bird cage then. We’ll just have to wait and see.

My point is that we’ve seen this symbol being used a similar way over and over again. If Connie disappears, and especially if Daryl assumes she might be dead, that will just be more proof. And remember that empty bird cage in Beth’s cell. You know, along with the gnomes and the “no exit” sign. Just saying. ;D

Thoughts?

[aquarianlights]

Are you okay?

For the most part, yeah. As you guys know, I’m currently living in my Uncles house in Massachusetts. I’m here until late August. My uncle is very abusive to me and my mom. I’m literally scared of him so I’ve been driving around places during the days so that I can get away from the house and not be home when he gets home, which is why I haven’t really been on tumblr because I usually just end up at the beach where there is really low signal and nothing will load on my phone. So I can’t go on FB or Tumblr while I’m out there. Which, I leave the house at like 10-11am, a few hours after I’ve woken up, and I stay out driving around/exploring or reading a book at the beach until my mom texts me that she is home.

My uncle is always yelling for no reason and has put a lot of restrictions on me, ie: when I can and can’t shower. The one time I asked him not to yell at me because I had had enough, he whipped around, slapped me, and screamed at me “Life’s tough, kid. Get over it.”. And on several occasions, he has yelled at me things like “You should know how to do this at your age.”, which makes me feel like I’m worthless and stupid. And he’s always slapping me across the cheek.

He also yells at my mom (his older sister) about things like “You should know how to get there. You lived here as a child.” when my mom had never been to that part of Massachusetts before. He’s always making us feel stupid and worthless. And he’s been saying really sexist things because he thinks “Men should be men and women should be women. Women should know their place.” Things like that. He thinks women are worthless and should be obeying the men in society so he looks down on my mother and me. (Since I appear as a woman, even though I’m a man.)

He has also hit and yelled at me for showering. Like, it’s hard enough to get up the motivation to shower when you have depression. The one time I take a shower during the week, he started screaming about how he had to take a shower downstairs without a towel or shampoo. Which is when he put a restriction on when I can and can’t shower. I’m not allowed to shower when he’s home. One of my coping mechanisms is taking a long, hot bath and he has said that I’m not allowed to take baths.

And then the neighbors complained that my mom parked in front of their house. Which, my uncle lives in a town house and all the houses are connected (like apartments, but a lot bigger) and my mother and I have to park on a public street coz there’s no where else to park. And sometimes there are so many cars parallel parked on the street, that we have NO CHOICE except to park in front of their house. So my uncle comes in and starts screaming at my mom that he “didn’t want to hear any sass from [her] mouth” because he “already heard it from the neighbors.”

He also threatens both of us on a daily basis. And when I finally asked my mom to talk to him about all this, she told me “It’s better to just keep quiet or we might get kicked out.” Which can’t happen right now because my mom has to work here until August and we’d have no where else to go. But, I’ve never seen my mom act so submissive. She’s always been the dominant one in my life. I’ve never seen her act anything except dominant. So this kind of hurts.

And then, the worst part for me, is that I can hear my uncle downstairs while I’m upstairs (coz he yells) and I can hear him talking about me to my mom behind my back. All bad things. “It’s bad enough [s]he is here, does [s]he really have to be so lazy?” Stuff like that. He doesn’t believe mental illnesses exist. He has explicitly told my mother that “people with this fake depression act are just lazy” and “people with this fake anxiety act need to man up and get over it”. Things like that. Also telling me “You don’t have any real problems. You need to get over it and do this this and this.” Blah blah blah. Stuff like that.

And right before my mom and I left for my uncle’s house a couple weeks ago, my father, who is schizoid, had a psychotic break. He had been hearing a radio for days and nights and hadn’t been getting any sleep because of it and for some reason, he thought he was hearing it from me (my bedroom is two floors above his, so???). So he ran up the stairs to my room at like 11pm and started banging on the door because he thought it was locked (I’m not allowed to lock my door anymore or my parents will take it off the hinges and I don’t lock it anymore and my dad knows that so Idk why he thought it was locked?). He never tried knocking or opening it. He just started banging on the door as hard as he could. I thought it was going to break. I also had an immediate panic attack because it was all silent, and suddenly someone was POUNDING on my door. The first thing I thought was “Oh god. One of my parents had a heart attack and I need to help”. But no. My dad was just hearing a radio and couldn’t sleep because of it. So I run over to the door which is all the way across my bedroom and there’s a queen sized bed in the middle of the room so I had to go around it. Took kinda long. The pounding got louder so I immediately wrenched the door open when I got to it. I didn’t even get to say “What’s wrong” before my dad had his hands around my throat. He pushed me onto the bed and tightened his grip and started SCREAMING at me “WHERE IS IT?” and I had no idea what he was talking about. But my mom heard, of course, and she came running up the stairs, asking in a panic what was wrong. When she rounded the corner to the loft I stay in, she saw my dad strangling me so she tried to pull him off of me, which she did, and he turned around and backhanded her. My mom started screaming at him and he’d scream back and I was just laying on the bed coughing, trying to get my breath back. And my dad was shouting “WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?” and my mom kept asking “WHERE IS WHAT???” and finally he was like “THE RADIO. I KNOW [S]HE HAS IT SOMEWHERE UP HERE.” and my mom and I were both like “What??????” and my dad started strangling me again and this time my mom didn’t pull him off of me and she just kept talking to him and finally he released me and it dawned on him that he had made a terrible mistake. So he just started apologizing profusely and my mom lead him back downstairs and told me to wait in my room and she’d be up in a minute and I overheard them talking about the radio and how there was none and my dad was just profusely apologizing. And he eventually went back down to the basement and my mom came up and comforted me and told me what was going on. Then we left for Virginia the next morning.

And then when we got to my mom’s friends house in Virginia to stay the weekend before we drove to MA, I didn’t have any internet service all that time. And then we drove to MA and my uncle greeted us by screaming at us.

I honestly don’t know why my uncle is always yelling and so angry, but I can’t handle it because of the things I went through as a child. Hearing someone yell immediately gives me panic attacks and makes me cry hysterically where everyone can hear me even if I bury myself in a pillow. Which, if my uncle hears me crying, he hits me and tells me to “Get over it”.

My uncle also doesn’t want me “being lazy” and “staying around the house all day”, so I just leave almost as soon as I get up and drive around exploring or go to the beach until it’s safe to come home when my mom gets home. My uncle is pushing me to get a summer job, but I literally can’t because I have disability now and they’d take my disability away if I started working. So I had the idea to volunteer, but I haven’t been able to push my anxiety down enough to go turn in my applications to the various no-kill animal shelters I want to volunteer at. Because I don’t have anymore Ativan until next week because you can only transfer controlled substances once in your entire life to another Walgreens and I’ve already transferred them one time in my life. Which, btw, REALLY fucked up thing? Like, what am I supposed to do when I move????? Jfc. But the second I get my ativan, I’m going to turn in those applications. My anxiety has just been through the fucking roof lately. I can’t push myself to talk to people I don’t know right now. I guess coz I’m scared they are going to yell at me? I’m not really sure.

But I’ve had so many flashbacks since I’ve been here because of my PTSD. PTSD is why I can’t handle people yelling at me. My therapist has said I can have skype sessions with him, but I haven’t done it yet. I haven’t called him either, which I do in emergencies. Basically because I can’t find the courage to talk to someone on the phone or skype because I’m so anxious. I reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally need that Ativan prescription.

SO, I mean, that’s not all that’s happened. That’s barely scratching the surface. I can’t even tell you guys how many times I have almost caved to cutting or attempting suicide since I’ve been here. My mom and I have been in a few fights, mostly verbal. And I have screwed up parallel parking SO many times because I’m reaaaally not good at parallel parking and I get yelled for it by my mom AND my uncle because I “should know how to do that by now”. Which…I’ve only had to parallel park maybe three times in my entire life before this??? So… Idk.

My uncle also will not leave the house without his really old dog. And he makes him stay in the car while he’s working or going out to eat or going to the gym. The one and only time he will not take the dog with him is when he is golfing. I just don’t know how anyone could be so cruel. I’m surprised the dog hasn’t died from heat stroke in one of the summers yet. I’m also surprised he hasn’t been stolen. I just don’t understand how he can be so cruel. He also screams at the dog constantly and won’t let him in his room. Which, the dog is too old to climb stairs anyways, but he still never lets him upstairs, even when he was a puppy.

I just…ugh. I legit hate people who leave their dogs in their car. Idk how anyone could be so cruel.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being in MA. Massachusetts has been my favourite state in the US since I was really little. I’ve always wanted to live here. And I might be moving here with a friend I met over tumblr about a year from now. I love how the weather is still cold. It’s 55 degrees F out right now. So nice! *-* I can’t stand summer. Lol. I don’t ever want it to be hot. I wanna wear comfy coats all year round tbh.

ALSO I’m getting to go meet/visit about 10 friends (all of which I’ve met over Tumblr in the past few years) during the next couple month. I also get to see one of my long-time high school besties and her husband and baby, neither of whom I’ve ever met. I’m really, really excited. I get to start leaving to see people on the 8th of this month. Which is coming up really soon! It’s the 2nd now. *-* Much excite!

BUT ANYWAYS

Yeah, I know my queue ran out, which has never happened since I have had this blog like 5 years ago. I just haven’t had a lot of time with enough internet access to load things on tumblr mobile which is the only way I have been able to get on Tumblr until literally right now. I promise I will start posting again soon. Gonna fill my queue up over the next few days. I’m so sorry I’ve been gone, you guys. :c I miss you all. Thank you for all the kind and concerned messages I’ve gotten during my absence.

Normally the only absence I take from Tumblr is when I get locked up in a psych ward, but I literally can’t chance that anymore so my suicide attempts and self harm are over. Which is amazing and a really big step for me. Because if I get thrown in a ward right now, it would be a state ward because of all the wards I’ve been in since I was 18. And state wards are REALLY hard to get out of. I wouldn’t be able to handle being locked up like that. I’d legit go crazy and probably kill someone who worked there. I can’t handle being locked up at all. Psych wards are the worst thing that could happen to me/anyone. ._. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. But you guys know that already. Lol.

Um. Anyways. I’m okay, in the lightest sense of the word. I’m not feeling too depressed, but I’m having a lot of flashbacks and recurrence of self harm/suicidal feelings.

It’s not a fucking wonder that my uncle’s wife and kid left him. I’m legit scared of him. And that is why I stay in the guest room where my mom and I are sleeping with the door closed pretty much all day when I get the balls to stay home. I don’t want to leave MA because I absolutely love MA, but I miss Echo like crazy. It’s hard being away from my pupper for so long. :/

I’m sick of being yelled at and I’m sick of being slapped/hit. I can’t even defend myself or demand an apology because of the threat of him kicking us out. My mom won’t even talk to him about it because of that. I just can’t wait to leave to see my friends and stay with them for a while in other parts of MA.

I mean, we have a lot of family up here that would take us in, but none of them are close to my mom’s work like my uncle is.

I’m sorry I haven’t been on Tumblr in weeks now. I know I worried a lot of people. But it basically comes down to a lack of good internet reception. ._. If I can’t get things to load, what is the point of being on Tumblr??? Lol. I’m a LOT more active on FB. So if you guys have a FB, just search for Riley Roswell and find the picture of the boy with pink and blue hair. Lol. :p

Thank you for being concerned and sending me a message. Ily.