#but i'm probably just hungry and sleep deprived now and i might regret doing it later ughhhhhhh

[daz4i]

going through my writing folder fighting for my life to not delete everything in it bc some stuff have a good line or two in them/to compare to myself later if i ever get better and see how i improved. it’s very hard

[defineamni]

Update: April 2024

I just knew that we lost weheartit for quite sometime now. I love weheartit. Although i visit there bianually. Old people sentiments. Sigh.

Now i lost my favorite blogger as well. I'm sad and upset. Things are moving away, or maybe should i say, memories are fading away that's why i'm holding onto these things close to my deepest soul.

I'm into my 9month working as houseman. Everyday is a stretch. Always struggling to get up in the morning. Now is Ramadhan so i push myself to have my sahur however it doesnt get better after that. Still tired and not enthusiastic at all. How the hell adults can continue working for 20-30years? I cannot go on like this for another year. Sometimes if not always I dont even know why i need to work and have this career but then i remembered, i'm a materialistic girl. Good point. To buy new clothes, to eat good food, to travel the world, to pay for wifi, to rent a house, to fill up gases, to meet new people, to become independent and just to live up people's expectation. Basically i need to continue working not to mind how dead i am, inside out. Not to offend anybody, but i dont think being a houseman is not a career, it is just a job and a way to survive. Regretting things also my new hobby. Ranting about colleagues, bosses, management, and how hungry and sleep deprived we are, is not uncommon. There you go, no time for me time. It's always their time. I cannot believe i put myself into this life. I actually chose to struggle. Cannot blame anyone. Damn. Should've become a teacher just like my parents. At least you get 2 days off, and 7-5pm working hours. I'm so tired but i still have the energy to write this, to go shopping. This is my problem. I couldnt stop spending money. Knowing that money is so difficult to earn, i lost them to some non essentials like i'm a millionaire or some sort of chaebol. I hate myself for this but i dont do that, i might hate this life even more.

Good thing is, hurm let me think...

Never mind. None for now.

I looked back my photos during uni times, i understood why i'm still single until this day. I was so ugly, i feel so sorry for people who need to see and look at me. If i happened to look and meet myself, i would hate me too. I mean how much hate can someone have towards ourselves, probably i am my strongest enemy.

I mean nowadays, i tried to improve my appearance but some things cannot be changed even if you try isnt? Really sorry, family and friends, from my deepest heart.

I just want to go Japan again but i know this year is not a good time to travel overseas. Furthermore, i dont have the time to go any way. But i still want to go there again in near future. Maybe i can find my other half there? Sorry for stupid joke.

I missed my mom so much. It has been 2 years but it feels like yesterday, the day she gone. Now i know what ayuni feels. I dont really want to go back home. I prefer to travel. Going home is tiring. To the mind and soul. I cannot do anything, my home now feels so alien to me. I cannot get used to it like before. I keep doing the same things, and no one can understand why i do so. It's not like i try to change things, i just want to keep things just like when mama still around but i guessed that is too much to ask. So i gave up at some level. Well i cannot do everything alone.