#but it is difficult to share them without risking doxxing myself

[tj-crochets]

On a lighter note: Part of my job is processing contractor paperwork so that they can be paid. Today, instead of sending in any paperwork, I had a contractor email me a random Amazon link????? I did not click it lol

Hi I have spent five hours trying to solve a paperwork problem of a missing form for a contractor (on top of all my other work today) and he never went to the location on his paperwork! The form is almost definitely there!!! Hi hello I want to scream

[detransition]

Hello, I am a desisted person and I know it's not as difficult as detransition, but I want to share my story.

When I was 14 I decided to ID as genderfluid, which later on led me to IDing as NB/male. I became a little bit more confident than when I was before. I felt free. I felt like all of the pressure that was put on me for being a woman was lifted. Still, I would admit to being female and recognising that transition wouldn't fix a lot. At 14 I actively owned that fact and didn't even care. I think I wasn't even thinking of myself as NB. It just gave me a way to be "quirky" and "cringy" as a girl, without being a girl. Now I was quirky side character who everyone loved, not the weird girl.

I had a dream of how I perceived my female self. Ugly, weird girl who no one loved. My NB/male self on the other hand was confident and sexy. Someone everyone loved.

I also had the delusion that IDing as a man/NB would also free me from misogyny. But, boy, it didn't. I was extremely internally misogynistic. Trying painfully to be one of the boys, because girls are liars and gossip too much. Also the meme culture portraying girls and women the same way the sexist people did. I felt that finally I can relate to them! It's the "to have fun life, free of worry, ignore misogyny! In fact take it as a joke" logic these people had.

I am grateful that even in my genderfluid days I was extremely critical of a lot of gender stuff. And later on, hung out mostly with transmedicalists. I know this might sound tone deaf, but it's thanks to them I didn't transition. At least they taught me about the risks of transitioning (until most of them were permed by the reddit, tumblr and even twitter).

Truth be told, but trans community was built from the roots up to silence anyone who disagreed, even ban transgender people from their own support centers. The harassment was awful, but you couldn't say a thing, because of fear of being cancelled or worse - doxxed. This fear was instilled into so many of them it was obvious to anyone watching from distance.

When I desisted it was painful. I even had a mental breakdown filled with anxiety. The idea that I have lived my entire life as a lie. I felt the reverse effects. Immediately wanting to conform to gender roles to prove I am woman enough. I even had another anxiety filled breakdown later on... had to take meds for it... This experience showed me how I perceived women in general. I finally started realising how internally misogynistic I was. How I hated myself and other women. It took months to fully heal from the identity crisis I was having, but now I am living freely as a GNC woman. Recently I have gotten a short haircut, which to me is a sign of betterment.

Those days are of the past, my fears as long dead, though still come up at times. But I am managing emotions so much better. I've gained more of confidence and self reliance. After talking to other women I found out I was not alone. My internal misogyny is also away. Truth be told, while traumatising experience, helped me grow in ways I couldn't have imagined before.

☀️