#but ive had a really shit few days and motivation is fleeting

[ink-livi]

Drawing Cleo but my pen keeps dying plz send me the strength i need to finish this tonight 🙏

[tc-oceaneyes]

This is a fleeting post bc im busy as hell, the school year is quickly coming to and end and I still dont know how to come to terms with parting with my tc or saying goodbye but its fine

ANYWAY this has been on my mind

Last week I was answering questions in class or whatever and I kept getting them wrong. I was making stupid mistakes basically. He knows that its not a reflection of my ability, hes literally joked with me about getting questions wrong before which is way out of his character. I just wasnt on top of my game that day but he got quite pissed off at me. He said something like “it was part of your homework to revise this topic idk why you didnt just do it” but the thing is ive had a french oral exam, irish oral exam AND a music practical exam all in the last week, each of which has brought its own dramas and difficulties if you will. It was a lot to deal with and I didnt really have time to revise and it wouldnt have been a stretch for him to understand that seeing as every student was in the same boat.

But naturally, I felt really shitty seeing as someone I really fucking like got pissed at me but to make everything worse another girl (whos really sporty and guess what he LOVES sport. Im not involved in sport which poses more problems than you would think in a sport orientated school) answered questions wrong and he was like “have more confidence in yourself” or some bs like that. I got kind of upset and felt hurt (which is stupid i know) but managed to keep it to myself. Then he asked me another Q and I got pretty much every part wrong again and I was visibly quite bothered. I kept my head down, usually I look up at him and engage through body language or whatever but I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack (first one I would have had in a while) so I was solely focused on preventing that from happening. Luckily it didnt happen but he just kept probing me with questions while I was quite clearly upset. He didnt dismiss me or anything he just rubbed more salt in the wound. And he knew what he was doing, I felt him staring me down as he did this and it made me feel horrible. I had tears in my eyes for the rest of the class and he just didnt bat an eyelid.

The reason why I find this really insulting and hurtful is because I dealt with mental health issues a few years ago when I was much younger. I have since overcome those problems and I’m a completely different person. I’m more confident, motivated, equipped to deal with shit, etc. But he was present for said mental health issues a few years ago. He knows and he remembers how bad I was. I struggled with anxiety and he knew that. He knew I was fucking bothered but he didnt stop. He didnt even say anything to me about it since. I briefly spoke to him on a few occasions over the last week if I was missing his classes due to oral/practical exams and he was really nice and supportive and wished me good luck and all that. I just still wonder why he pushed me too far that day. A few of my friends are in his other class and theyve gotten upset before and he didnt push it, he just left them. Why didnt I get the same treatment? Was he just having a bad day or was it some weird power/dominance thing? Idk but it makes me feel weird. Sorry for the big long spiel, congrats if you read all of it lol