#but just maybe becuz i put alot of my actual life experience into barney but just barney has it fucken rough man

[this-should-do]

god okay i knows its way to early but like im a lil deranged cuz im a lil sleep deprived and need to go back asleep but so i woke up rogbt and had deep blue by arcade fire when i went to sleep obvs and i woke up amd the "i was only a child then" lyric started playing and it kust sorta hit me that oh god barney really was still so fricken young when the rescas happened, like i think 24 25 ypung, like clearly still a grown adult but also its still so young

like he wasnt even half way thru his 20s or only just barely, like i knew this technically but i guess i just never rralized it cuz im so used to barney the character being 40 summin, and its just like god hes spent half his life under combine rule, he wasnt even old enpugh for his braon to fonish developing

and then the rescas happens and he looses everything except the clothes on his back, and like he prob didnt have that much to begin with, eother physical possessions or people like, i think ive always sorta cbaracyerized him as a guy that has a lot of pals amd work friends but he kinda struggles woth anything closer tham that, hes friendly with people but hes also kinda lonely but imstead of trying to make it better its morr comfortable to keep everyone at arms distance (i know i did summin like this for a while),

so his relationship with gordon is important to him becuz its the closest hes evsr felt to anybody in a long time and it arguably makes him a lil bit better at bejng actual friends with people, helps him learn how to be close with people (also something that happened to me, seriously having at least one friend u can be vulnerable with is soooo frickdn important for your mental health, frineds are really really important)

and then everything happenes and everything is taken away, inclusing gordon, that one world transforming close friend (and something almost different) is taken away and he has nothing, and its just fucking devestating

like if i were to loose my 1 (one) verybclose friend whos really the reason i was truly able to recover Things Tm, i wouldnt know what to do, the damage to my psyche wpuld be just so much i dont even want to think about it, so i also tbink its absolutely valid for barney to be caight up on gordon for so long even the tiniest bit, cuz i know i dont think id ever truly be able to recover if i lost My Friend even without the amount of trauma barney goes thru with the rescas and everything else

and like i know that the rescas and the combine is horrible for everyone and the loss and trauma is horrible for everyone, like older people like kleiner and eli who lived most of their lives in the relative peace and saefty loosing all of that, and really ylung people like alyx who never really got to the point where they could have memories of a time before, and its just incalculable the damage to everyone half lifes events would do to people, nobody would have it better than anyone else really, but just, i think about barney and i just wanna cry man