#but no instead everything that ever happens to me is a cognitohazard

[bogkeep]

thoughts, repeating.

[o5-10]

I don't remember how I felt about what I did in that reality that wasn't that you all forced me through, if I even felt anything at that point, but I am irrationally wishing I could bring myself to do it in this reality, the one that does exist for me. I doubt I ever will. I shouldn't want that, but between my inquiry going ignored, which I should have expected, and remembering how she responded to everything I have been doing for decades by throwing it all in my face with maximum spite, I am just not feeling very amicable. It's not that I expected an answer from them, I can't expect that from them, and it's not that I thought she would be grateful for my actions, but I had hoped she would understand.

I think I am cycling through all of these memories specifically because I cannot sleep. The problem with this is that these memories are making it harder to sleep. I'm used to not sleeping for extended periods, but the level of exhaustion I am at, for reasons I cannot figure out, is such that I haven't felt since the day Six would consider the start of our romantic entanglement, last I checked. Not the day we actually agreed on, though. There are many dates that could count for that for us, which is strange. I'm rambling.

The point is I am stuck in the most vicious cycle of not sleeping I have experienced in a very, very long time. I am more exhausted than I ever was during that dream state (calling it a "dream" feels wrong). I am the kind of exhausted I was when I was so blasted from the damned cognitohazards that I could not even get microsleeps in and had to have been on day five (5) without even that much, and maybe day eight (8) or nine (9) without sleep except microsleeps, and I was running on maybe three (3) hours before that.

I was so exhausted at that point that, when Six came to check on me (I can't get into the logistics of this, since this was while he was still under the restraining order, but I am too exhausted to explain that part), I tried to get up to do something, I can't remember what right now, insisting "Don't need help. I'm fine," followed immediately by my legs completely gave out and I just crumpled. All I could say about it was "I just go here now." And then we started texting instead of speaking out loud, because it was easier to process the words, and he hit send too fast, I then, in my infinite eloquence in that moment, responded with, "Join the club. Hitting send club not the floor club. You can be on floor too if you want though." And he just carried me to my room at that point, because I was not going to be getting back up any time soon, but he did it badly, half of my body was dragging on the floor. Not the point. I am getting distracted. What is wrong with me?

What I am getting at is that, while my body is still doing what I want it to right now, other than not gifting me reprieve of this exhaustion, this is exceedingly not normal for me, it's actively impeding me, though I am ahead enough on work that I should be fine on that front, provided no one needs anything from me, which, One might, and I can't refuse if he asks. Anyway, this has only happened to me once, well, I guess twice, technically, since I lived through the assassination twice, thanks for that, though I didn't have as much support the second time. Irrelevant. Nothing abnormal ks happening externally, most of the Groups and Persons of Interest who could inflict this kind of thing haven't been very active recently. The Insurgency would be unlikely to try it again, but even if that wasn't the case, the Insurgency cell nearest to my location got pulled into a pocket dimension to contain their scurvy, which is a uniquely contagious form of scurvy that has only been observed in Insurgents. After the attempt on Twelve's life last December, most of our enemies decided to lay low for a while, for obvious reasons.

All of this is to say that I am confused and vaguely alarmed that this is happening to me seemingly without cause. I don't know what I did, but I desperately need to undo whatever it is as of two weeks ago. If I end up working myself to death because of this, I think I will be happy with that end, because that's what I wanted, but I feel it would be somewhat inconvenient if it happened so soon.

I want to stop feeling and I want to stop having bodily needs. Thankfully Six has been distracted from checking in on here, he would be displeased with how I am speaking. Three and Four also might be. One would be proud, though.

I'm going to stop typing and post this, now. I apologize for writing so many essays today.

[roboloops]

Okay. Uh. Been doing some thinking. Some theorycrafting. About shared enlightenment mechanics between our universe and the goddamn Elder Scrolls universe. Mostly because I’ve been locked up reading The Elder Scrolls deeplore for a few days, and started to Realize Things. Buckle up, cuz I need somewhere to dump this absolutely shit-tier garbage thinking. Also, uh, if you aren’t, like, ultra-super wasted? Everything below this is going to be a massive cognitohazard and might fuck you up real bad if you read it. Fair warning. 

Alright, strap in.

Okay so in The Elder Scrolls deeplore there is a series of concepts called the Godhead, the Dream, and CHIM. Basically, all of existence in TES -- every individual person, every plane of reality, all of the cosmos, literally everything -- are not "real." Everything that IS is actually a Dream of some unknowable being called the Godhead. The Godhead happens to also the shared existence of two other sleeping primordial gods, but that aint important here. So all of the world in TES is part of the Dream, so everything in the Dream is actually the Godhead. Nothing exists; everything IS NOT. In-game, nobody realizes this, save for a tiny handful of legendary figures in history. It's difficult to reach this realization, this enlightenment, because knowing that the world is a dream isn't exactly the same as understanding what that means, understanding that all that IS actually IS NOT. To an individual who fully comes to understand the implications of the structure of the universe, there are two possible reactions: 

1.) Say I AM NOT. In realizing you are part of the Dream, and in turn an aspect of the Godhead, you assert that you don't actually exist. If you are not an individual, you are not real. This type of enlightenment is called Zero-Summing, and people who Zero-Sum immediately write themselves out of existence past, present, and future. The Dream essentially just deletes you. 2.) Say I AM. Despite the mounting evidence that you are not real, you assert that you are. You assert individuality in the face of the all-encompassing oneness of the Dream. The truly enlightened realize not only that I AM, but also, and I quote the lore here, I ARE ALL WE. This a grammatically weird way of saying that you realize if you are part of the Dream and thus you are the Godhead, then everyone else is part of the Godhead, so then everyone is one. This realization and this state of being is CHIM. Those who hit CHIM can, essentially, control the Dream.

I AM AND I ARE ALL WE and CHIM are not super 1:1 with Gnosis, but I'm gonna draw the comparison. CHIMsters are in theory able to alter reality to their whims, but it's incredibly difficult. One of the best examples of it in deeplore is the Conqueror-Emperor Tiber Septim changing the climate and landscape of an entire continent to better fit his armies during an invasion. The abilities that come with CHIM and the nature of reaching it are similar to Gnosis and wasting: characters in the Sim hit Gnosis by realizing that their world is a simulation -- i.e. "a Dream" -- and can use waste powers to alter the fabric of their reality. The difference is that CHIM entails surrounding individuality, and Gnosis doesn't quite include that. So it's not super 1:1, but the groundwork is there. So let's make it interesting.

Gnosis is essentially the I AM of SburbSim, not quite the I AM AND I ARE ALL WE. To borrow non-SburbSim Sburb mechanics, the Ultimate Self is a little closer to full-on CHIM; instead of surrendering your individuality the the complete oneness of the universe, you surrender it to the complete oneness of your self transcending time and circumstance. TES lore doesn't exactly have alt-timeline stuff, so we can't make that exact parallel between CHIM and Ult-Self, but the play the same role as the highest form of enlightenment. To use grammatically weird CHIM language, you might say the Ult-Self is I AM ALL OF I, or maybe I AM ALL I CAN BE. So, two questions: can we get a full I AM AND I ARE ALL WE with Farragoverse mechanics, or an I AM NOT?

We'll start with the later: I AM NOT a la Farragoverse. This isn't a thing we've seen, exactly? It's not a Sim mechanic, and no one's extended personal lore seems to have it, afaik. But I think we can theorize a pretty easy hypothetical 1:1. Imagine a wasted player who understands something about the nature of a simulated universe that others might not, or taking it way more nihilistically: "I am not real, and there's nothing to do about it." Then, poof! They're gone. The use waste powers to delete their data, write themselves out. They're beyond dead. They cannot possibly assert any individuality, because they're fake, so they stop "existing."

But can we hit I AM AND I ARE ALL WE? I don't think we've ever seen a player so, so embroiled in their understanding of world-as-simulation that they reach an even deeper level of wastedom. "If am part of a simulation, and everyone else is part of the simulation, then I am everyone else and everyone else is also me." The oneness of all creation. I have no fucking clue what that kind of nirvana means in the context of Farragoverse. It's a selfless sacrifice of individuality; in TES, CHIM is characterized by an unending love for all existence sourced in a pure self-love that extends to the rest of reality in realizing that you are everyone and everyone is you, and so thus CHIMsters often are totally benevolent non-actors. They just sort of vibe. Godhead Pickle Inspector from Problem Sleuth is a good comparison; one PI ascends, he's no longer to respond to any commands besides ">GPI: Fondly Regard Creation." Which makes this a long, long fucking reacharound to make a comparison between Farragoverse and Problem Sleuth, I guess.

It's like, what if we extended the Ultimate Self beyond an individual’s own selfhood? "If I exist in the simulation, as does everyone else, then we are all one." Apply the concept of the Ultimate Self to that realization, and... well, fuck. Suddenly you encompass the selfhood of every version of every player across Paradox Space? And that probably just fucking fries you dead or turns you into a vegetable.

Or, if you have someone who encompasses every self in Paradox Space, maybe you get someone who creates a recursive version of reality inside their own being. A Dream. Reality-inside-reality. In TES lore, someone who creates their own dream inside the Dream is called a Dreamer or the Amaranth, and that recursive dream is also called an Amaranth, because everything has to be confusing for some reason. So maybe this kind of Beyond-Ultimate-Selfhood is how we get the Farragoverse corollary for a Dreamer and an Amaranth. Or like, one way we get it.

Now, in TES fan theory, there's something called Anti-CHIM. Basically, Anti-CHIM is a person attempting Amaranth while still being apart of the Godhead’s Dream. They want to be the Dreamer while still being the one being Dreamed, and thus believe everyone else is apart of them while they themselves are not apart of anything. It's fundamentally contradictory. It's asserting that you are everything and everything is you but you are also still a distinct individual, in direct contradiction with the Dream... Wait, is that just Gnosis 4?

No, it can't be. The hyper-contradictory of an anti-CHIM is, like, you learn the biggest and most incredible secret in the entire universe pertaining to yourself and every single being in the past, present and future and you decide that you don't give a shit. You like you. It's... rejection. "Despite all the evidence supporting the fact that I am not real, that I am not an individual, I have decided that actually I am real and I am individual." You recognize that the universe has made a decision, but have decided that it is a stupid-ass decision and have elected to ignore it. You reject the tenets of reality and decide to live your own. Rejection. Hope.

Anyway, uh. Yeah. In like 1300 words, that’s what I’ve been thinking about for two days. For some fucking reason. I don’t have any conclusions? Just a bunch of what-ifs and potential types of wastedom baste on similar mechanics in Elder Scrolls lore. Thanks for letting me waste your time.