#but nobody is worse than my mom when it comes to stubborness | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tedajournal · 7 years

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12/8/12

So I never got to finish talking about ole girl yesterday. It’s a snow day, somehow, and I have a lot of time on my hands, so I think I want to continue where I left off.

Anyway, yeah, she was beautiful or whatever, but looks alone aren’t enough to keep me interested very long. I started to stop paying attention to her even though we were sitting near each other.

My mom started asking small, simple questions about her to be nice and to get to know her a little bit. She Tara was nice and seemed to not mind the questions at all, but she did seem a little reserved, or even shy for some reason. Eventually I got sent back to the concession stand again and this time there was a really long line so I was gone for a good ten minutes. When I was walking back to my seat, my mom was giving me this weird smile she does when she’s about to tell me something particularly juicy or something she knows I’m gonna like. I sat down and she whispered to me that I really had to talk to Tara. I was like, “What, why?” I’m an introverted person or whatever so it’s hard for me to talk to or even want to talk to a stranger for no reason no matter who they are. She knows that too, so she started building up small talk with Tara again and made me ask a few insignificant questions to her. Again, it seemed almost like she always had a little more to say but couldn’t get it out. What Why would someone who looked like this seem unsure about themselves about anything? It totally went against my first impression of her.

My mom could tell I was beginning to lose interest and not really want to talk to her anymore because I felt like she just really didn’t want to talk to me either and I still had no reason to want to talk to her. My wannabe girl, S_____, was still there and I was rushing on her hard at the time, I really didn’t feel like talking to or getting invested in someone else. After a brief silence between Tara and I, I got a text. From my mother. Who was sitting right beside me the entire time.

It said something like, “This girl is a music nerd like you. Talk to her about that, you f--ing loser,” or at least that’s how I remember it. I felt my eyes widen and I got excited. She told me that they had been talking a lot while I was gone, and that she was actually a really interesting person. Then she started telling Tara about how I’d joined the marching band last year and how quickly I adapted to it. Tara’s dark eyes brightened as she looked at me with an impressed smile, and I felt as if my heart was in a trap that pulled my chest inwards. Her heavenly aura was sensed again, and I know if it were possible for black people to blush then my face would’ve been hot red. It was so weird and significant because I don’t feel that way about people I don’t know. It was obvious I felt it for real then, however.

I was so trapped in that time that I can’t really remember like any of what happened next. I know we talked for a while and both seemed really interested now. She still seemed a bit reserved or that she always had a little bit more to say but held back for some reason, but it was obvious that she still actually cared about our conversation and the things we talked about and it was really nice talking to someone who had similar interests as me. Maybe she doesn’t like music as much as I do, or not even close, but I enjoyed talking to her legitimately and that’s all that’s important to me. She even plays bass in her school’s jazzb band! I was really impressed and excited and, in hindsight, she looked about how I felt when my mom was talking about me in band.

Eventually, we kind of just stopped talking again and my mom sent me another text. This one told me to geteher ask her for her phone number and that she would explain later. I was flabbergasted. How did she expect me to do that? I was flabbergasted. How did she expect one me to do that? I was terrified and shy because I really wanted it in reality and normally I’m fearless but when it comes to things like that I became petrified. Like, she seemed interested in the conversation, but not interested in me. And why would she have been? I don’t think I’m really all that, especially not compared to her in my eyes, and I didn’t even really say anything good about myself to her either, or anything that would’ve given her the impression that I’m a n enjoyable person.

I couldn’t ask her. I couldn’t really say anything to her after that. My mom kept trying to convince me to but I wouldn’t budge. It’s really not that I didn’t want to, because I really did, I just couldn’t work up the courage to do it and it wasn’t because I was afraid of rejection, but I was afraid that she would give me her number just to be nice even if she didn’t want to talk to me, and to me that’s like 100% worse than rejection.

Eventually Tara, her sister, adn her aunt (whose name is S_____, although I am unsure if she is a Ms. or Mrs. so I switch between the two) hd had said goodbye and got up and started to leave. My mom gave me that look that says, “It’s now or never.” My dumbass chose never. Mom looked at me, shrugged, and said “Okay, then.” For some reason, whenever she does that it really bothers me and I got up and started to go to catch up to Tara. I had a sudden burst of confidence that was just enough to get me going, and once I start something, I really don’t like to stop.

Every step I took made me feel heavier, hotter, more tired and out of energy and I wanted to turn around, but to have turned around after I started would have been to admit defeat, which I was absolutely not willing to do. I’m a mixture of Andy Eda and Tracy Banks and all my ancestors before them, their legendary determination and pure stubborness runs deep in my blood. Once she was within earshot, I tried calling out her name and quickly realized that absolutely no sound came out of my mouth. I tried again and managed a whisper. I was really starting to hate myself. I forced myself to say it loud this time, and the three of them turned around, looked at me, and smiled. I regretted ever leaving my seat.

Tara came up to me and asked what was up so I just asked her for her number so we could keep in touch. I’m really good at feigning confidence when I don’t actually feel it, so I managed to speak mostly clearly and calmly, although I stuttered a bit because for some odd reason earlier this year I developed a stutter that comes from time to time regardless of what I’m feeling although it is more prominent when I’m feeling either shy or excited or a similar strong feeling. She said okay and that she’d put it in my phone so I gave it to her while I tried to hide a big, dumb smile that I felt coming on just beneath my surface. She handed me the phone back and said bye again and I told her I’d see her around to which she replied, “Yeah, definitely!” I smiled as I turned around and looked at my phone when I realized at was looking at my contact book with no new numbers in it.

To say that I was highly disappointed is an understatement. How could I ever think someone like that would want to talk to me? I got what I felt I deserved. I giggled at the thought of how confident I was just a few minutes before, yet I was proud of myself for not giving up when I wanted to. In that moment in pain there was acceptance in myself about who I am, that I’m nothing more, that I’m nothing less. It was truly bittersweet.

I went back and told my mom what happened. Rubbing it in her face when she’s wrong about something I don’t or didn’t want to do always makes me feel better. But based off of the look on her face I could tell that she was legitimately confused. “It must’ve been an accident,” she said, but I told her I didn’t think so, I think she just didn’t want to have to see me hurt or disappointed. She heard me say this, but she didn’t really respond to it much more than “Maybe so.” She decided we should leave too then.

When we got in the car, h truck, she was like, “Hold on, I forgot something, stay in here with your brother and sister.” She came back a few minutes later smiling and said, “I got her number!”

I was so embarassed. She tried telling me that Tara laughed when she told her what happened and that it was a mistake that she must’ve pressed cancel instead of done and that she was glad my mom came back, but I didn’t believe any of it. I told her she probably just gave it to her because that was a weird situation mom put her in, but then she was like, “Alright,fine. Don’t use it then. It doesn’t phase me either way.” Of course, my stubborness took over again as I took this as a challenge and quickly entered the number into my phone. She smirked smugly at me.

I asked her what she was gonna explain to me before and she was like, “Oh yeah. Tara was the one who wanted your number.” My jaw dropped. She could tell I was absolutely lost, so she explained the whole thing to me.

Remember when I went to the concession stands for a long time? Well, it apparently just so happens that they were able to get her out of her shell during this time. Go figure. Ms. S_____ told my mom that Tara and her siblings lost their mother when they were younger and they have stayed with their other aunt since then who is incredibly overprotective, but means well. As a result, They have really poor social skills. They are shy around people they don’t know and don’t really know how to make friends or talk to people well. They got on the topic because Ms. S_____ was teasing Tara about me and telling her to ask for my number and my mom was like, “Leave that girl alone, S_____! Ain’t nobody worried about that boy,” or something like that, but apparently Tara was like, “No! It’s not that I don’t want it, I’m just really shy...”

It made me feel better about it because while my mom is very supportive of me, she’s never been the type to lie to make me feel better. Tara is really smart too, she said, and she wants to go to college for computer security of all things. I was so impressed. Still am.

So I texted her, and here’s where I began getting confused yet again. She replies really slowly, but always seemed really interested i our conversations at the same time. We texted for like, a week, and everyday the time of her last reply of the day before she texted back was earlier and earlier.

I stopped trying to start new conversations until about a week or two ago. She seemed genuinely happy to hear from me again and be talking to me again. Why hadn’t she texted me in all this time? She still texted at the same speed as before, which doesn’t really bother me anymore. We texted late last night until I got tired last n around midnight, so we said we’d talk again tonight. I texted her around 3, but I got no response. She’s been looking at my Snapchat all day.

See, one of the things about her is that she seems almost impossible to read. On one hand, it bothers me because I feel like reading people is one of the things I’m best at and with most people I’m right about 97% of the time and when I don’t have that sense of knowing at least an idea of how that other person thinks or feels, ma I feel lost and vulnerable. I also love it because I feel like I’m drawn to her and it makes me extremely curious about her. It makes me want to know everything about her, and the fact that I’m not getting the time and attention I want only makes me hungrier.

I think, maybe I’m just underestimating her social disability. I know plenty of introverts and loners, but I don’t think I ever met anyone who really wanted to connect to people but simply doesn’t know how, not (only) because they are shy but that they literally do not know what to do. Maybe I can’t understand her yet because I never had to deal with anyone like her. I said myself that she seemed unlike anyone I’ve met previously, but I wasn’t sure how. I’ll just be patient and try to give her as much time and space as she needs. If she didn’t want to talk to me for real, she wouldn’t have said the things she said to my mom or seem interested and invested when we talk, right? Right. Good look, Tara, because you just might be stuck with me for the long run.

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