#but nope they get defensive (not in a mean way) and my anxious autistic arse gets overwhelmed and disapointed and idek
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#i just need something to go fucking easy in my life#i just want to be able to get the thing i want without it falling through at the last fucking minute#or to go nowhere#or for it to be gone when i finally get the courage to go searching for it#jobs - a fucking advent calendar - a coat - plans to see friends - plans in general - a new phone#all i wanted today was to buy a new phone because mine is basically on it's death bed#i've spent the last 3 days searching and researching in my downtime because i know i'm getting money from my Opa at some point#and i /need a phone/#and just when i'm like “someone tell me to buy this because i need idk permission? someone to cheer me on and tell me this is the idea?”#my sister's partner says something about how they don't want me to get the dame type of phone they just got#and now i can't get it without feeling guilty as fuck#even though i love their phone a lot?? and have been looking at their's and my sister's and my mums to try and choose a new one#and even increased my budget to get their one because i liked it so much and like to try before i buy for things because *anxiety*#but nope they get defensive (not in a mean way) and my anxious autistic arse gets overwhelmed and disapointed and idek#and i have a breakdown and cry for idk how many hours#hell i'm STILL crying about it - and other things my brain decided to throw at me when it realised i was crying already#but like I am trying so hard to just stop the tears. i'm ignoreing them. it's just tears no sobbing nothing drmatic#but i can't fucking stop and i fucking hate it and i've tried fucking everything and the onlythink than has helped#is ranting like this. not even talking to my sisteror calming breaths. because here i can be honest and not care that people are seeing it#becaues you guys don't know who i am you can't try and fix it for me (my sister and mum's immediate reaction). i can just rant#and you can listen if you want. no obligation. im not a burden you can't see my face or hear my voice#but yeah idk im tired and dehydrated and sad and overwhelmed and dissapointed nad angry and frustrated and *sad*#katy liveblogs life 2022
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